Tag Archives: Faith

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Reflections

Even when I wake up while I’m dreaming, I love my coffee and headlines and then maybe a blog entry in the morning.  I’m so, so looking forward to the migration to working 30 – 45 hours a week instead of 60.  The latter number starts to make you feel only semi-human after a couple of months.

My friend’s bf was sweet.  Her neighbor needed a rescue and came over and then her actor friend and roommate also came over to pick up something that they had left at my friend’s house on Saturday, so it turned into an outdoor dinner party.  The risotto with tomato, garlic, and basil was phenomenal.  I had flash fried zucchini and summer squash and did my tomato trick.  The trick is that you take a tablespoon of basil and pinch it (like to hand grind it) and then put it on sliced tomatoes and add liberal amounts of garlic salt to them.  It’s incredible.  So, we had salad, risotto, and grilled chicken.  I don’t know when Italians started grilling chicken breasts, but my cousin did that last weekend too.  We never really ate boneless breasts of chicken growing up, but we did use meat mallets and a sharp knife to make cutlets that were washed, salted, floured, egged and then given a light coating of bread crumbs.  That sounds good for this week one morning when I cook for the boys at five am.

My ex texted on Saturday.  I didn’t get it until over an hour later, because I was on my morning bike ride with my colleague.  This was the same colleague that I ran the 5K with recently.  It was odd.  It was recommendations for a couple of things to do with my son in her town in June.  No thanks.  I already have to spend two nights in the mountains in June, so I will stick around home and things to do minutes from my house while I finish up this course and my client load.  I wrote, “Thanks.  I hope that you and _______ are well too.”  I have this weird intuitive thing wherein I know that although her son won’t consciously remember me that our bond will have a heart connection.  That makes me feel better.  I guess that although the chess board is shelved that I will get these weird text recommendations from time to time.  It’s highly unlikely that I’ll take her recommendations either.  My friends don’t shell out unsolicited advice.  We have heart connections and don’t need to force friendship.

I don’t want to build a friendship with her.  It doesn’t make any sense to do so either.  She’s an ex and is not family.  I don’t want to drive 80-miles roundtrip to hang out for a couple of hours.  It’s bad enough that my first cousin and her two kids who my son adores live 42-miles away roundtrip.  It was funny, when I was still seeing my ex in August, my cousin drove up to one of the lake happy hours that my ex hosts in the summer time and the first thing she HeyTelled me was, “If you two stay together, you got to get her to move further south to civilization.”  She doesn’t know my ex well.  My ex will not only never leave her town, but she’ll never leave her house.

I’ve crossed over this part wherein I know that I will meet a girl, but don’t know if it will be this summer or two years from now.  You get to a point–I’m at the five-month mark–where you are very good at being single.  I do want to go out and have fun with new women, but can wait a few weeks for that one.  I’m looking forward to my friends’ going away party in two weeks.  I invited lonely girl and church girl too.  Friendships mean the world to me and make realize how lucky I really am.

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Busiest Sat

What didn’t I do yesterday?  I dropped my dog off at Day Care, ran a mile and quarter with one of my bosses, I did my typical Boot Camp, but we had a sub, I watched my son play soccer, I went shopping for groceries, I heard back from one of the therapists, as I plan on referring one my clients out for specific treatment, I got 3.5 inches of my hair chopped, I cleaned myself up, I had some water and met the Scorpio, I ran my 5K with a colleague and her friends, and then I had two beers with the bday entourage.  I have to write after church today, and I have to walk my dog before I go.

The Scorpio was back with her ex, so I was very careful about talking to either of them.  She touched me twice, and then her gf took her into the bar on the side, and when they returned, she didn’t touch me again.  When they left–which was way after the 5K was done and they had remained at the bar, she walked over to me and said, “It was really nice to meet you,” so now I do know that my colleague who had a bday told her that I said that she was cute.  She’s very cute.  We had that eye contact thing as we shook hands the last time, and a huge smile spread across my face.  We shall see how long she stays like her ex this time.  Again, that sounds like me.

I ran into a woman who I hadn’t seen in five-years.  I had only recently taken her phone number out of my phone.  Her gf was very cute.  She has lots of relationships, and I always think that it’s funny that I’ve dated so much too, but that is exactly why I plan on slowing down right now.  I honestly don’t want to force anything.  I want to see how girls are with their friends–I got good data on that last night with Scorpio–and I want to do stuff together first with any love interest.  I don’t even know what I would have done with my ex except hang out outside with our boys, eat dinner, and take a night walk.  I guess that we did listen to music sometimes, but often that was when we were having sex.  We had an insta-relationship.  No thanks.  That doesn’t work.  It also has not worked for me to just start having sex.

I really didn’t do that though with the last woman who I had sex with–not meaning my ex.  Peter Pan and I hung out, listened to music, ate meals together, did a summit, and talked very easily.  I was very bothered by the way that she said that she would have to be beaten by her brother to get him out of her parents house (One of her brothers is an addict.), that she lied about her career and then rolled with it, her over attachment to her roommate, and because she had a mythology about her being the most easy person in the world, she was beyond reproach.  I just wanted to have sex after karaoke one night, so I did.  Also, it did help damper the feelings that I had for my ex.  However, I did that right with delaying sex.  I did so for 7-weeks, but she lacked integrity in general.  The thing that I missed was my other new rule, and that is hanging out with friends together.  She has one guy friend who she plays golf with, and then her roommate who is straight, but her bf works out of town all the time.  So, I think that Peter Pan already had a gf, and it’s her straight roommate.

Again, there was no one of interest at the bar.  Everyone really drinks too heavily for me and others seem cliquey and phony.  I had one good conversation with a girl from the east coast who came in on an ancient Schwinn.  The bar owner who I have known for six-years helped her take it downstairs and then she gave me a tour of the whole place.  It is really cool and is definitely the best bar that she has ever run in our city.  She gave me pink boy briefs with the bar names on the crotch, so I put them over my running pants and wore them all night.  This girl on the ancient bike was good friends with Scorpio, so that was good, because Scorpio heard me making her laugh hard.  We shall call this girl Cruiser.  She was smart, but not cute, but could maybe be a good friend.  I’m going to friend her today.  Late that night, I brought her bike up from the basement and she said, “Wow, that’s impressive.”  I assumed because I just carried it up the stairs and lightly placed it right by the door instead of rolling it up, she was surprised.  I hope that Scorpio saw that too 🙂

I’m doing very well single. I know that when I network it’s good.  I want to get my dissertation done and work privately more all summer.  These paycuts from the day job have really messed me up financially.  I know that I’m getting my feet back under me and my heart healed.  I’m well on my way and have not ever actually felt this balanced.

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Single Scorpio

So, my friend was chatting me this evening and asking questions about ASD diagnosis.  I was kinda annoyed having to do shop talk while I was just logging in, and was a little short, but she didn’t even notice.  Then she told me that I needed to race one of her friends.  I had cyberstalked her page and knew the name, and this lanky blond really stood out and had an incredible body, but she has a really gummy smile.  I had dated this cowgirl who didn’t have a nice smile in December of 2008 and stopped in February of 2009.  She also had an amazing body and great ass, but her teeth were terrible.  They even made her lips chap the next morning.  She was stellar in bed too, but the teeth combined with her little girl voice killed it for me.  I’m still probably in karmic hell for my break-up with her…

Anyway, I played the age card and said that this lanky blond would waste me in a running race, and she said that they were both 32. 6-years is a big difference.  And that is opposite in the Chinese Zodiac too.  The woman with whom I had my coming out affair was 6-years older than me, so I guess that I didn’t like the smile of the woman who I should have a race with probably had a deeper meaning.  I do believe in intuition and chemistry…  Then she started talking about this other blond…

I asked her to get onto a computer and tell me when her bday was.  She’s a Scorpio.  She just got demolished by her ex partner and went back to her.  Then my colleague said, “We all screamed about her mixing with her ex,” because “that girl was toxic,” and she is not really “ready to date.”  Sounds like me.  Except I have the darkest brown hair that everyone argues is black.  But, chances are that she has light eyes.

Anyway, she and I should get to know each other if we have chemistry.  That is there or it’s not.  I wasn’t attracted to the picture of my ex, and I was to this girl’s pic.  Now, it’s the face to face thing.  And my upholding what I have promised myself, and that is dates in the daylight.  Maybe we can run or lift?  I hope she likes to hike.  I don’t care if she drinks beer.  I’m just ready to meet her, and am hopeful.

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Driven

What is it with all the driven people?  I had a massage this morning because these last two weeks at work have actually been a pile of shit from which I can’t wait to come through, and my therapist, who has been rubbing my act for 10-years told me that with our trail (We live blocks apart.) all torn up that the cyclists are getting on his nerves.  I made the analogy of marathoners and avid roadbikers and determined that they are both zealots, prior to drifting off into the land of stream of consciousness and no voluntary movement.

I’m fit.  Quite so for my age, but I would never run all the time or would I bike until I dropped.  I, frankly, have waaaay too many other things that I’m interested in doing with my time and seek balance.  Plus, I’m not driven to the degree where I live under a misapprehension that I can perfect my body or bench 150-pounds.  Well, I would feel badass if I could do the latter, but would never do 3-sets of 15 of those.  I would like to add some heavy stuff to my day C and just have to buy one of the counselors from work lunch at a soul food place for that 😉  Oddly, he is my ex’s type and actually lives just miles from her…  Small world in which we reside.

We run our family 5K tomorrow.  I hope that my ex doesn’t decide to run it with her son and dog.  Frankly, it’s her neck of the woods.  It really doesn’t matter.  I’ll embrace her, choke back tears when I hold her son, and she’ll clap me on the back–“Way to go, pal.”  So, gross.  A woman who is worth TONS of money, raised a couple of kids, and now is single parenting her own, but can’t be even slightly vulnerable.  This woman who sat in her red, wool coat all night buttoned to the top until she left without saying goodbye when we attended an event that was honestly in the memory of her father.  So driven, yet in the opposite vein, one who runs from raw emotion with the exception of when she makes love.  I’ll never understand her and know that I really don’t know her.

I vow never to be like that.  I don’t want to appear cold.  I’m not formidable, nor am I impervious.  Although I am driven to make a better life for my son and I, I do believe that true love is rare and connection means everything.  Here is to you, sweet girl, wherever you are.  I know that you’re out there and one of my drives to see you; although, I don’t know you or have I yet seen you.

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Dinking around

The biker doesn’t have a gf, but I don’t think that I should fly far away just to hang out with her and have sex.  Although I could really use some sex, and believe me, I could, I don’t think that something just for the sake of doing it is a good idea.  We all have patterns.  I don’t want to go back to mine.

My last relationship was different, and I think that it is simply because I’m at a different level with respect to what I know that I do honestly want.  Just hooking up when some girl is available, or having a here and there long distance fling is not ultimately what I’m seeking.  I was different and in the end I was more heartbroken afterward because I thought that my ex and I would work through our constant fights–actually saying her jumping my shit all the time and me being in shock is more accurate–and then we’d raise our sons together.  That was a fantasy though, because she goes off on everyone, and I have left my childhood behind.  I don’t need a woman to alternately complain and yell at me.

In that song “Detours” by Sheryl Crowe she seeks someone who is awake, and while I do that, I’m not destroyed as a result of my last breakup.  She also wishes to love with a “paper thin heart.”  While the slow, year long death tore me up, and I cried a whole bunch last fall, I am not altered in terms of my ability for passionate and intimate love.  With the turn of this calendar, I have not shed a single tear and we will be midway through this year before long.  I have definitely changed though.  I didn’t know her.  I had written to church girl and I told her that I don’t want to get caught up in the land of dopamine and the elixir of passion before I truly know who a woman is.  My ex and I got sexually involved after just under two weeks, and honestly I knew that she pushes away when she thinks that someone is being casual to her.  I ignored it.  Now, I’d be less likely to ignore something weird like that, but I want to have open exchanges about how a girl fights.

Describe for me, your temper?  Is a a slow, burning kind of thing and then you finally release?  Do you fly off the handle a lot and are you easily irritated?

Have you fought with a good friend?  How did you work through it?

I used to be really hotheaded.  I’m just not like that anymore and it’s rare for me to raise my voice.  I never raised my voice at Shane–not once.  Although I must admit that she and I had that free and easy dynamic wherein we sat quietly.  In fact, she would have a soliloquy for sometimes up to two-hours because I was the only one that she talked to, and I was like a captive audience.  She didn’t ask me any questions, and I was finally glad for her to simply shut up.  I wound up really missing my friends too when I was with her for two-weeks, because we have an even talking and speaking exchange.  Some of my friends do irritate me, and if talking about it doesn’t resolve, I just take space from them.

I need to admit that I have not ever resolved conflict well with a lover.  I need to work on fighting well in my next relationship.  I know what good communication is when you fight, and when Shane was completely sober, which was rare, we could talk through things.  However, the resolution never involved her compromising with me.  It was her decision.  So, in that way I have improved.  I won’t allow a girl to bowl me over and make decisions for me either.

I think that I’m just done dinking around.  I probably won’t go home with anyone at the party in 10-days.  I may not even get any phone numbers.  I think that more than likely, I will just have some fun and laughs.  I don’t want to go back to hooking up, and I don’t want to second guess my instincts with a woman who doesn’t want to compromise either.

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Snow Day

Well, it took until April, but I got it!  I always have these lofty plans that I’m going to work lightly and let my intern hold down the fort, but yesterday we had some stuff come up that only I could address.  I got up at my normal, ungodly hour, checked my email and then my job’s website, and went back to bed.  It’s so great when I can fall back asleep.  My son came in and cuddled me about an hour-and-a-half later.

So, today I’m very happy, because my son is contentedly playing Legos and I’m typing with coffee.  I’m going to make ham and cheese omelets with green onion (And I will have to omit cheese from his, because he doesn’t care for cheese much) and then work some.  But, NOT my day job.  That is closed today as are many city entities.  I won’t even check my email.  It’s not bad in my city though…  I think that most of this storm is where my ex lives.  I’m NOT complaining.  🙂  It is nice to be home, and know that I don’t have anywhere to see clients this evening either.

Our family 5K is this weekend.  We will have to get some sleep on Saturday night because we have to get up really early.  I hope that we don’t have to run into the wind.  I found out on Sunday that I don’t like doing that at all.  Rain is forecasted, so we will need our raincoats and some dry clothes.  I think that there is live music and such afterward.  I’m going to time myself, and then see how much time I can shave off of it six-days later when I run mine solo.  I would like to learn to do 5Ks in 30-minutes and 10Ks in about an hour and fifteen.  That’s my goal.

I’m in that loathing of dry spell mode.  That means that I could go home with a random girl next Saturday.  I hope that I don’t.  My preference is fun social stuff in the daylight with plenty of girls.  That is the good thing about my second 5K, because I will meet a bunch of girls during and after it when we go out for my colleague’s birthday.  I should promise myself to get phone numbers only.  These girls are way younger than me and party a lot.  I outgrew that phase about four-years ago.

I have these strange fantasies wherein I meet a girl at the Art Museum or a book talk.  I’m looking for someone who doesn’t give me shit when I make literary references or when I make jokes that are more metaphorical.  Shane used to tell me how weird I was all the time, and while that’s true, I didn’t like the way that she always had to say it.  My last ex used to give me shit about my use of polysyllabic words, and it was obvious that she was at least slightly bothered that I had made time to continue my education.  I would like to meet a girl who is comfortable where she is, and doesn’t mind that I like music, books, and art.  Peter Pan loved books and music, but she lied about where she was so she could sleep with me.

There have got to be authentic women.  I’m one.  I want to run into one.

 

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More Randomness

I got so very little done this weekend and it’s sad.  It’s already 5:30 am and church girl is coming over for dinner tonight after my son’s dance class.  That means that I have to sweep, mop, vacuum, and clean the bathrooms upstairs.  I’m not in the mind to care much, which is sad, but I will do it.  I couldn’t run much yesterday and my feet are really sore.  I think that my body is kind of against this half marathon, but I will do it.  I’m just old.  My 26-year-old workout partner has a shin splint and says little about it, so I can deal with my bum leg and creaking feet.  It is not going to be easy, but I will finish it.  Then I plan on running only 1 – 2x a week, because it is really hard on knees and other joints.  Glad that I learned how though before I turned 39 🙂

I have to work on my dissertation today.  It’s down to the wire with data collection.  I also need to remake my night client schedule.  This stuff kills the day job, but my intern can hold up the ship today.  I’ll let her know soon and leave her a HeyTell.

We have had so much stress at work.  It’s unreal.  I will get through this week, and am glad to have taken up running, let me tell you.

We are going to get a large snowstorm.  I guess that my prayers for more moisture are working.  Haha.  The birds are talking about it. I guess that “Snow White,” is not all that fictional.  They are sounding pretty riled up already.  I need to cover up the hole our dog dug when she was still a nut puppy, and also spread the rest of the wildflower seeds so they can cold stratify and come up at the end of May.  My backyard is another thing.  Getting grass to grow in sand during a drought is a real treat.

My son’s best friend’s Mom just texted…  She is taking my son for three-hours on Saturday so I can make all the copies of my taxes to send.  I owe so much to this state.  It’s ridiculous.  She is a great friend.

The dog keeps shifting her weight all over my sore and fragile feet.  Nothing like her joints shifting all over the tops of my runner’s feet.  Lovely.  She keeps sighing too.  I think that she knows that today is a workday and will get bored with her puzzle and PB-stuffed, frozen Kong waiting for the dog walker to come.  It’s going to be so nice to only be about 30 – 35 hours away from the house instead of a minimum of 55.  I just have to get through the next 7-weeks.  You can do anything for seven-weeks, and maybe I can start meeting some nice girls too.

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Fun, yet odd

We went out last night–it was a couple of my colleagues and a couple who I know who is traveling all next year and a friend who used to work with one of my friends when she lived in another state.  Like many people, she has just moved here.  The bartender was happy to see me, which struck me as odd.  I had not been to that bar in five-months and she obviously remembered me.  She has an awesome haircut, huge blue eyes, and a really incredible body.  Even my colleagues were saying how hot she was.  I flirted with her just a little bit, but in a respectful way too.

Afterward we were sitting in some straight back chairs that really could be in someone’s living room right by an open window (Yay, springtime!), I noticed a fairly butch woman sitting at the bar chatting quite a bit with the hot bartender.  I was shocked.  I told my colleague her name and said that we had a falling out about four-and-a-half years ago.  Then I was like, “This is really stupid.  Especially given that there are 58 lesbians in ______ .”  So, I got up and said, “Hey, aren’t you _____ _____ ?”  And she said, “______ !”  She embraced me a long time.  Her partner is 6-months pregnant and they bought a house in that district.  I was really impressed with that.  It’s a trendy area.

She texted me a few times too.  I need to text her back today.  I’ll be just south of there today conducting some testing in executive functioning with a client for a private boss who I have.

The other girls got there about 20-minutes later and we were laughing so hard and being obnoxious and bizarre.  We have tons of inside jokes and always create more.  The one couple is one that I hung out with all last fall through now.  I wish that they were not moving, but it’s an adventure for them.  We had a great time.

Later, they were giving me a lot of shit about not getting the bartender’s number.  Finally, I said, “You guys, she is at work.  She is swamped with drunk frat boys.  And I just saw a woman who started an orgy in my house in 2008 with a bullwhip.  I’m just not into non-organic development anymore, or just sex with no attachments where I live.”

At the time, 2008, I was super attracted to this one girl who was a childhood friend of a girl who I went to middle school with, so I engaged in some of the debauchery, but that was the year that I had remained celibate.  It was a really weird party, and an odd time for me in general.  I had only been out just under a year, and was really dealing with that I was always gay, so I did whatever occasionally.  That party was probably the oddest thing that ever happened when I was in attendance.  It was just some weird stuff and making out that went on.  We were all wasted.

This girl, who was now sitting at the bar, wound up naked sleeping in my bed.  I had to tell her that cuddling was fine, but nothing would ever happen between us.  I’m picky about who I sleep with.  The exception was Peter Pan last summer.  I just needed to have sex with someone other than my ex, and she really presented as a solid person until her lies unraveled after I hung out with her for two months.

I know where I am with respect to relationships.  I would have some flingish stuff, but it would have to occur out of state.  I would prefer to build foundations with some nice girls.  And I am gun-shy too, so it’s unlikely that I will be having intimacy with anyone around here for awhile.  I’m fine with all that too.  Time to get ready, buy cleats, watch my son, work this afternoon with a client, and then do my Day C.  At least a best buddy is making me dinner tonight.  I have a great life.

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4

I like Astrology.  I don’t have much use for anything past an ascendent, but I think Sun, Moon, and Ascendent are cool, and of course, I do think about Venus placement right now too, but I don’t think much of the other planets in daily stuff.  Anyway, in the summer time when my ex was planning her coup (Meaning that she was ready to sleep with me after a three month hiatus.) she said that her soul number was 9 and that mine was probably 9 too based on Astrology and bday and stuff.  It’s not. It’s 4.  Apparently, you get along best with your soul number when it’s the same or if you’re even, being with another even number.

I had some weird stuff transpire on Tuesday and a friend of mine gave me some immediate feedback.  In the end, she had seen a sign off of a road with the word, “Fair” on it, and the first date of the fair was her Mom’s bday, and the second date of the fair was the day that she was in surgery to save her Mom’s life. (Her mother did not live.)  Later she sent me a HeyTell at 4:44 having no idea that 4 is my number and said that she was thinking of that sign “Fair” and that she was between two cars.  One was 444 in the number section, which her Mom always said is an angelic number, and the one behind her was 999.  So, I don’t think that it is time to do the “friends” card with my ex.  Some day, maybe, but right now I just don’t want any of her energy and definitely not her non-emotional, rational, and combative self that she is championing at this point in time.  She is on her own path.

So, I had an incredible day yesterday.  I had to confront a colleague about her insensitivity and general lack of professionalism.  I had to give a parent a good news, bad news scenario about her 11-year-old in terms of ability and possible diagnosis.  My client who really needs to (by her own admission) stay consistent with her counseling just skipped session without so much as a text.  And, I ran a 5K on the treadmill.  My heart rate average was 160 as well.  I also was able to talk to my workout partner for the duration, so I have built up some endurance.  I would like to run outside on Sunday, so I’m going to with her.  I have not ever done pavement–well, not since 6th grade.  Our family 5K is next Sunday.  Our dog is so crazy that I’ll have to get in a zen place with her darting and beg the nature Gods not to put a rabbit in our path.

It sure is rare to be a licensed psychologist in the area where I work.  I’ll probably have to leave, which is just part of my journey.  It’s inconvenient, and will involve probably my getting on the road thirty minutes earlier than I do now, which will be challenging for my son, but I think that it’s time for me to move on to a place where I can get settled.  I also have to complete this doc, so it’s the last step.  I will need to stay put though, if they complete my training.  That sounds like I’m becoming a Jedi…  I wonder what Yoda’s soul number was?

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Leave the fear

I am going to do some vertical climbing.  I’ve never done it, and am very scared of heights, but it’s guided and was only $50.  I have to wrap my brain around it, but I just don’t believe in living with fear.  I started climbing mountains in 2008, and I have done some ledges and the like in addition to being on all fours when it gets steep, but I have not done vertical….  Yet.

I was driving up a forest road in my old Accord in 2008–it’s actually a very nice car, but I had to give it to my ex out of fairness–and parts of this road were missing at the time.  People kept turning around and I was like, “Nah.”  So I did this weird maneuver around the side of the ditch and then swung the wheel 180-degrees, but I dented the shit out of my oil pan.  It’s not like when you do something like that you can exactly turn around, so I just bombed up, but my car was smoking and lead to my having to repair it later.  The roads were turning from private, to missing, to zoned for parks, to National Forest Roads, so when there was a switchback later and a little driveway, I just turned around.  It was 5:45 in the morning.

I wound up driving around an old mining site and to a paved road, and finally parking low in a pass area.  That is how I completed my first summit, and I did it solo.  It was a much more difficult mountain in terms of technicality at the end and hugging a sawtooth and some scree when you would wind up a bit off trail, but I did it, and I did it completely on my own.  The latter was kinda stupid, so I did wind up climbing with another person after my first summit.

I think that is interesting, because I’m actually terrified of heights, but that’s the whole thing… I don’t believe in being hobbled by our fears.  People say trite stuff like “Face your fears,” but more than that is examining what you can do to pass through them.  I don’t think that when you live somewhere as beautiful as I always have with the exception of when I was in undergrad and my first round of grad school that you should let things that make you anxious rule you.  So, I just don’t.

I have given away my heart and been nakedly vulnerable.  I have completed 11-summits.  I have paddled down a strange river through tree roots and under swampy trees and weird spiders.  I have hung onto the back of a girl on motorcycles and jet skis.  These are not my comfort zones, but I have changed as a result of engaging in these activities.

So, now, in June, I’m going to climb some verticals with equipment.  Ultimately, I will be glad that I tried it.  Face what terrifies you.

I think that the path to being whole is truly being authentic and honest with yourself.  That is so easy to say, but really difficult to work through when you examine and then change.  With being vulnerable and naked with your emotions, it is worth the gamble, because you just change.  I think that when I give the sermon, I would like that to be a thematic tie.  I need to take a peek at my readings and face that fear too.  I speak in public all the time, but don’t have to talk about things that I’m not deep in understanding or require me to connect to my experiences.  But, that is the whole approach to being spiritual right?  It’s not dogmatic, sanctimonious, or does it suggest that one way is right.  It’s scary, but I want to face it like my vertical that is coming up too.

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Lucky lessons

Church was cool and like a culmination of things, which is probably what it should be like, on Easter Sunday.  I had a pretty damn busy Monday with two acute cases in addition to my regular afternoon caseload.  I think that I finished set A, but I can’t remember, because the weight room was packed when my partner and I got there and I was not in the mood to keep good count.  (I mean my workout partner, and not my partner-partner.)  I was angry yesterday, and the weights helped, but I know that I didn’t spend what should have been my last 30-minutes of my night wisely, because I drank beers and chatted two of my work colleagues who have become friends.  I stayed up way too late and had pretty shitty sleep.  The nights that I have class can be long if I don’t get down time in between.  I will think about tonight, which is only 11-hours of work including a run, as a gift as is getting home at 6.

I was thinking about the message today, rather than yesterday or even in particular during church.  (I had a lot to do during the service.)  Our pastor told us that the gifts that we have been bestowed were freely given, so they are to be used as an extension of our hearts and our true selves.  Meaning that we can express them in a manner of our choosing.  That gave me a lot of clarity this morning.  I figured if you get anything from a relationship with someone that is actually a gift if was freely learned.  You simply cannot make someone understand or get something from you, but if you come out changed, it is ultimately a good circumstance for you.

I’m ready to date again.  I know that I am.  I wish that it was simple to meet nice girls.  I also wish that the bar scene was a bit different, but it’s not, and I don’t think that I will meet a wonderful girl in a bar, but I could.  It will have been four-months since I have kissed anyone in just two weeks.  That is a good amount of space.  I had heard that half the length of your previous relationship is optimal, and interestingly, that would be during my evil mud obstacle race.  Can you meet your one when she is covered in head to toe with mud?

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Not shocking

I really thought that she was pleasant on Friday morning because she was getting laid…  Turns out that she broke it off with her girlfriend (ALREADY) and she thinks that she says / does things without realizing their impact although she tells her that she loves her.  That gave me a lot of pause.  She would honestly do her lovers a good favor if the stuff that she says that they do, she’d do.  Wow.

Months ago, I’d have called her and flirted a bit and then would have gone up there to have sex with her tonight.  Those days are gone, because I’m not in love with her anymore, and grew really tired of the three C’s.  Those are critical, controlling, and competitive.  It’s really cool in that song “Hallelujah,” which I do know has been covered three million times, when it says, “love is not a victory march.”  It’s not.  While I do love her, I think that one of my dear friends is correct when she says that she is confused and has lots of interpersonal work to do.  That is independent of me.

Speaking of issues…  Here is one of mine.  Damn crush on “the girl next door” has not subsided and it is SUPER sucky.  I think about her all the time, and have darker thoughts about stuff that she confided in me about the way in which her relationship is going.  Then I think, “Well, this really might not last.”  That is hideous and makes me feel so badly.  If I was still Catholic, I’d stay up in there all Saturday night talking about that.

“Father, I commit sin a lot because I love women and can’t pray out the gay at all.  And boy, have I tried.  I know that I’m telling a celibate this, so probably on a lot of levels it is difficult for you to wrap your brain around it, but that’s not what I’m confessing.  I’m confessing that I am perhaps falling for a girl who is in a committed relationship and I listen to problems that they have and that sometimes makes me happy.”

GROSS!  How did I become this person?  Gotta get back to morality.

I need to meet some girls, dammit!  The snow is gorgeous right now and it’s sunny today.  I think that since it is my turn to pick (and pay for) lunch with my bday twin so we are going to eat in Cap Hill.  There were TWO lesbians at the cool fundraising thing last night and they were snotty and married.  Beyonce says that “all the single ladies” are supposed to put their hands in the air, and they were not doing that last night.  Damn, damn, damn.  Honestly, I had a lot of fun last night though, but they str8 guys were the ones talking to me.  Oh well.  I can work on my dissertation.

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Going great

We got my son’s room organized completely with the exception of his closet and a toy box.  I have sooooo many plastic guys, metal cars, and just random crap to take to the Thrift Store in addition to all his size 6 clothing.  I would say that we probably have about two hours or so left in his room.  Not only can you see his floor, but his closet is not barfing out his art supplies and old cleats and such.

I just have not been able to locate one of his shin guard covers.  However, he has worn those for two seasons, so the guard may not be big enough anyway, so I could justify buying new cleats and shin guards.  You can buy those in a bundle and his soccer cleats are size 2.  My son is a horse, so I will have to buy him 3.5 as it is for his new shoes.  It was cool because his best friend’s Mom had gotten him his basketball shoes for his first season.  It was not cool that our dog found them and ate the pull strap off the back of one shoe.  Those were thrown out, because he doesn’t have need for them again.  He can wear his high top Chuck Taylor’s this August for camp.

His best friend’s bday party was fun.  I didn’t get a chance to be able to get my non-dating lower half bikini body ready in terms of maintenance.  It’s funny how carefully shaving gets so rare when you’re not getting laid, but I was super glad that I had not shaven when we got there, because that Rec Center pool was probably 30-times more crowded than the two that he and I use in our city.  The noise was deafening.  Thank God that we had dinner plans at our friend’s house.  I needed those microbrews.

The only thing that was slightly special about the playdate portion of the night was that we had to bring our dog and one of the Moms is so allergic to dogs.  So, of course she was jumping up on the French Doors and being a shit.  We had people scouring our house–I have not been able to hire this daughter-father team since 2010, but they do an incredible job.  Our hard woods are completely clean and the bathrooms are shining.  I had no idea that they would still be at my house 3-hours later.  We took our dog and thanked our friends for being so accommodating.  Our dog had been at Doggie Day Camp for six-hours, but they live across the street from a dog park, so she tore it up there too with a boxer and a whippet-lab.

She is sleeping now while I wake up–again–but this time only with a slightly sore throat.  I’m going to get through this thing with no antibiotics.  I’m proud.  It has been hell.  I’ll do my first round of cardio tonight, so I can lift tomorrow.  I am not hacking up my lungs right now or am I blowing my nose over and over and over.  So, I think that before my week off, which is the week after next, I should be fantastic.

Today is church for at least two-hours given my announcement role, and a small brunch at least with one of my friends.  Then we can do some laundry before we go to my parents’ house for dinner.  I’m sharing the lentils with smoked chicken with them, and my Mom is making biscuits for my son.  I’m not close in particular with my parents, but I am honest with them.  Just can’t see them much due to my boundaries for my health.  They are just grandparents to my son too, but they watched him for over a year before I put him in daycare.  My father is good with little kids, but when they start to talk, he is weirdly permissive and passive-aggressive with my Mom and tries that shit with me too.  “Your grandmother wants you to do that,” and that really makes limits difficult.  I grew up in “The Shining,” because he’s Bi-Polar, and has only been on meds for three-years.  I’m not exaggerating even slightly, and do know that I have chosen an alcoholic and a volatile-cycler last because chaos is normal for me.  It’s not a bad thing to be single for some time.

I asked my friends again why they didn’t know anyone who I could date or chill with.  They said, “Well, the one who is single is butch and overweight.”  I showed her a pic of Shane and said, “See?  Butch is fine as long as it’s soft and you have nice features.”  They remarked on how pretty she was and then asked why we still weren’t together given our two years.  I told just one bar story and it wasn’t a scary one either, but was comical for the part I had chosen.  They both cracked up and said, “Oh.”  That was the end of that.  Honestly, it’ll happen when it’s meant to.  I’m not sleeping much because of the lack of exercise and this shitty cold, so it’s nice not to wake up a girl this week.  Life will calm down and I’ll be somewhere, and a girl and I will just notice each other…

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Ready, set

I saw the best thing early this morning when I woke up to have a coughing fit.  It was one of those Venn diagrams, which are often touted by educators, but it has three overlapping circles with “self” inside of it.  It was in a blog.  I had to post it.  Captions at the tops of each of the circles talked about what people need from people in their lives.  I’m paraphrasing here, because I closed my social media site after posting it–after all I’m in the mode to unplug except for this activity.  Self included: people who always make you smile, people who always teach you something new about the world, and people who you want to spend the rest of your life with, which applied to self, which was actually the word “you” on the diagram.  That’s it.

I’m pairing down.  I only kept non-close people in this first round of unfriending from my church community, because you do see them every Sunday, and could wind up cleaning up their yards and doing food drives for them.  Plus, not to be homocentric, but it’s something that I’ve noticed over the last 18-months, they would do anything for my son.  Tons would show up if he were sick, and probably some of them who I have never said a word to or even made eye contact.  I think because many of them never wound up having kids, they love the few kids who attend church.  Some of them know who I am too.  As an example, a guy and his boyfriend grabbed me as I was exiting the large liquor store that is part of the local grocery store that I use.  He said, “We go to your church.  We love to hear you read.”  I don’t think that I’ve mentioned prior that I have a husky, radio voice.  No clue who this guy is.  But, connection would be extended in the other direction if he or his bf were sick or something.  You help people in your community.

I don’t want former colleagues who don’t keep up with my son on there.  I don’t want people who don’t have similar values on there.  I don’t want any exes on their except for my second girlfriend, who I lived with for three years in college.  She is barely bi.  I am the only woman who she has had sex with, and she has two kids, a straight marriage, a great career, and lives 350-miles away from me, because I went to college out of state.  She also relentlessly teases me, has known me 20-years this fall, and will “get” me on some levels that new people just won’t.  Of course, my ex-husband is also on there, but shit, I’ve known him 19-years this fall, and we share a child.  He doesn’t really get himself on the whole, but he is part of my life.  My ex-gf from college falls in the “make me smile,” and “someone who I want to spend the rest of my life with.”

Church girl never wrote back.  I recall, I believe that she promised to call after our first date as well, and never did that–although, I did have to cancel our second date.  I don’t think that she’s consistent.  That’s something that I am.  I’m also willing to work hard and see things through.  Please recall that I wrote the apology to her more for me, because I wanted her to know what truly was bad timing and that I believe she will have peace, prosperity, and a wonderful girl in the future.  Her first partner died.  I don’t know how.  But, we are not dating, and I made my honest, authentic olive branch.

My ex cannot always make me smile.  Mostly because interactions with people is chess with her.  She must control all moves.  My ex taught me 4 new lessons about the world.  I thanked her for those the before the last time that I saw her.  My ex is not someone who I want to spend the rest of my life with.  I’m glad that we dated, she left good lessons for me, but I don’t want to see her or seek her out.

I’m really ready to move forward.  I’m so good on my own and can chill with friends in three to four hour intervals any day of the week.  They are my family.  I have a beautiful son.  Our dog is very sweet.  I have kept my house and my car and have stayed afloat amidst pay cuts and huge health insurance hikes.  I’m set for a future, and very much looking forward to the next steps on this journey.

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No agenda

I wrote to the girl from church yesterday and did so, as I wrote, more for myself than anything else.  I had no agenda doing it, but rather wanted her to know about what really was bad timing on our part.  We had a nice first date.  We talked fairly easily and were good just walking loops around the park–I think that total we spent about three-hours together, which is a long first date.  I think that it was easier because she and I had seen each other and also sat together several times.

I told her the truth.  I explained that ours was definitely a favorite of my first dates, and I have had LOTS of dates.  I also explained that my ex came down the following week, and then I found myself back in the same pattern, but after two months, I realized that I was the one who had changed and she hadn’t.  I told her that I don’t desire a friendship with her, but on the off-chance that we would run into each other, I’d like to be civil.  About five-years ago, I told a friend, “There are twelve lesbians in ______ , and they all talk.”  I repeated that for sometime, and then just decided to increase the number each time someone said, “______ , there are more than that!”  I’m only up to 51.  This is a cliquey and small community.

I still don’t know if she’ll go out with me.  She seems to hang with the fifty-ish women from church.  But, honestly, I always call it the Church O’ Boyz.  There just aren’t many women there period.  Also, she has had tons of stress as of late because she has been unable to find employment, and belongs to the “no expectations, no disappointments” school.  I don’t go there.  I have hope and trust in my journey and know that it leads me exactly where I need to be everyday.

My cold is better.  I did wake up very early coughing, but rested in bed for a few and now am typing.  I have the coolest thing in the world right now, but haven’t turned it on yet this morning.  It’s a little wireless speaker with a BIG sound.  I stream Pandora from my phone on Bluetooth and have music nearly throughout my house.  It’s even better than those Bose systems and was a fifth of the price.  I want one more speaker so I can always have music everywhere in my 50s ranch.  I don’t have carpet upstairs so the hardwoods help carry sound.  I love it.  I’m a music freak.

All is quiet on the ex front.  Yay.  I think that it helps to write an answer to a question in the subject of an email and then attach only a link in the body.  That is my comfort zone.  Hey, I’m creepy, negative, and selfish and have zero compassion, so might as well be that way.  Speaking of which, I have to tell one of my best friends that I don’t want her to move in in June.  Yikes.  It would ruin our friendship.  I’m taking her for grass-fed burgers and brews tonight.  There is live music too if I can stay up.  That gets really hard for me when I have two beers and I have not been able to exercise.  I just have to be honest with her; although, I do know that she needs to decrease her bills by $300.

Seems like I’m being honest with everyone.  Good path, that.  I honestly have thought a lot about the way that the girl from church pulled me closer to her so our abdomens were pressed together when we embraced after our date in August.  She grabbed my arm too and ran her hand down it.  I’m bigger now than I was in the summer too, so she may want to do that again.  Also, sometimes she has played with my hair in church.  I am going early today, but when I do see her again at a later service, I’m going to flirt.  Hell, I’m single.

I wonder if there will be some nice girls at the 5Ks in April.  Who knows?  However, I draw the line at on-line shit.  I had a couple of girls from there in 2008 – 09, but they were not women that I would have ever organically run into, so.  One was a cowgirl who lived in a neighboring state.  She was awesome in bed, but not a great kisser.  The other one was a damn Gemini who did all the back and forth mindfuck stuff.  I let that one completely go and then three-months later she wanted to do a summit with me.  WTF?  Sounds like Bette though.  Hmm…

I know that she is out there.  I’d love to go to dinner with the girl from church, but the ball is in her court given that when we had a date, I was like a cautionary tale.  I apologized for that, and told her that I wish her peace, prosperity, and a path to her ONE.

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Steps

So, I don’t think that the girl from church will go out with me.  That’s fine, because I probably present to her like a cautionary tale.  Let’s rewind.  After the tragedy that took place this summer, we were at a prayer service together.  That’s because on occasion, I had been looking at her across church and I thought that she was cute, but at the time, which was last spring, I was trying to sort out my shitty relationship, but was still very much in love with my ex. Post-it note that one.  It’s an important key to me and who I am.

This past summer I did not sleep with my ex.  In fact I did not sleep with my ex for three months, and then we reconnected for two months and slept together outside of the context of relationship until winter began.  I have been single (COMPLETELY) this winter.  I am proud of that, because I have mindfully and with lots of reflection moved through our break-up.  I have also gotten to a point wherein I am not consciously looking for anyone.  I honestly believe that a girl will cross my path.

Flashback to summer: After the regular church service ended, I talked to this girl finally.  We had a good conversation, and then she told one of the transgirls in the congregation and one of her good friends that she was going to sit with me.  We attended a prayer service.  I had been sleeping with Peter Pan a bit, but when her bullshit / lies unraveled and she got clingy, I told her that this was not the stuff of slow, getting to know you dating.  I bounced.  So, I figured since I did, I’d ask out the girl from church.  I did.

We had a great first date.  We walked from church to a neighboring park.  We ate homemade pasta salad and summer fruits and drank sparkling water.  We walked around the park several times, and unfortunately she got blisters 😦  Then I walked her back to her car and told her that I’d like to see her two weeks from now and have a drink.  At the time, I didn’t know that she was a recovering alcoholic.  I don’t know all of her story; although, I do know a lot about her.  Anyway, I told her that I had a great time, and then I embraced her.  She pulled me closer and then pressed her abdomen on mine.  I’m pretty sure that she wanted me to kiss her, but Peter Pan took a lot out of me the month before.  I no longer trust girls who I don’t know.  I pulled away–I didn’t even put my face in her neck–and then she grabbed my bicep and also ran her hand down my arm.  That was clear.

Then, my ex did a powerplay that week and came down for dinner so we could “talk.”  Fuck?  Yes.  I tried really hard those two months, and didn’t talk to the girl from church on the phone again until October.  She also knows that my ex has historically driven me nuts.  She probably won’t go out to dinner with me.  I get it.

I really don’t need any friends.  There are several who I miss so much and who I don’t get to see.  One of whom has four kids, and is really the sole supporter of them, so I really do have to come to her.  I don’t though.  I haven’t seen her since October either.

Back to one of my values.  I’m monogamous.  Shane was not when I met her, and honestly that didn’t matter all summer that we had sex.  At that point in my life–I was newly out and 34–I didn’t care to have a girlfriend and just wanted an FB.  Sleeping with Shane has lots of benefits.  She gives, which is unique for a woman like me who had two str8 girl gf’s as a adolescent.  And she is very good at what she does.  However, once you have slept with Shane for some time, it gets perfunctory.  It always works because Shane is after all pretty much a sex addict, but it lacks spontaneity and connection.  The sad thing about Shane is that she always used to say to me, “Don’t fall in love with me.”  She said that all summer and then for about four months that winter that we reconnected.  However, she stopped saying it when we went to NM.  Because she fell in love with me.

That was pretty consuming.  To have Shane fall in love with you!  So, I tried with her, because I am monogamous and because having a girl like that fall for you certainly gave me lots of pause.  Plus, she told me in NM that I was the best lover that she ever had.  She still says that to this day, and talks about missing our sex life.  I won’t ever sleep with her again, because we were really just a summer fling.

I didn’t care who Shane was sleeping with the summer that we met.  Later in winter when she reconnected with me on NYD and told me, “I’ve missed you so much.  I have never stopped thinking about you,” I thought that we could just date.  No, Shane also loved the love triangle.  I told her in a letter the following summer (after we had known each other a year) that she really liked juggling two women, and that it was highly unlikely that you could meet your one in a bar.  I wrote, “You liked the Pepsi Challenge of the triangle.  I.E. “Let me service her, and then get my needs met.”  She didn’t like that and just went off on me.  That’s my thing really.

If I say something to a girl that is my belief, why can’t she just say, “I get that you see it that way, and here is my perspective.”  I even talked to Bette about my trying hard, but it was not enough because it left her feeling that I had zero compassion.  That’s her perspective.  My being the sole driver, making meals, tending to her boy occasionally (I love him so much.) while she showered or whatever, making pictures, writing out cards, and just shutting up and holding her was not enough.  To her, I lacked compassion, was creepy, negative and selfish.  Although, I don’t get why she’d feel that way about me, but I do honor that is her perspective of who I am.  In that case, it means that we should not have a connection anymore.  I don’t know anyone who thinks that when I make efforts, that is who I am.

I have taken to writing to a mystery girl in pen at night before I go to bed.  I’d like to meet a new girl.  So, I write about good hugs, good conversation, passion, and connection.  I don’t write about good conflict resolution skills, but I think that those are of value too.  Can you call in your one by putting out intentions to her?

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Nakedly mean is back

I told her that we didn’t have bad timing because she already has a girlfriend.  Then she unloaded on me and said that I completely lack compassion and that is something that she never understood.  Frankly, I got sick of the “timing” card, which was always bullshit, so I called that.  She admitted that she never wanted to drive to me so she could see me.  That is what stung the worse, and I always assumed it.  I get being tired, but my world is that it is always better when I wake up next to a woman when my week has been long or bad–but I didn’t say that.

All of these exchanges are via email.  I told her that I don’t know a single person who thinks that I lack compassion and I listed all the straws that I grasped at including always driving to her–sometimes several times in the same weekend–just to be with her to support as best as I could, especially after she lost her father.  She does not acknowledge that, and it’s because all people have drawbacks to her.  They are failing her.  They don’t give her an even exchange of what she gives them.

People do have weaknesses.  People do fuck up.  Maybe that’s true, but I don’t lead with them, because I would be sad and miserable.

Additionally, I told her that because I don’t know anyone who thinks that I lack compassion, I am not meant to be close with her, and she agreed.  We will see how long.  I don’t care though.  I tried to be her friend, but she has this bizarre flavor wherein she lists what a great woman I am and how “proud” she is of me, only to then tell me that I lack compassion.  She must still think that I am creepy, negative, and selfish too.  Again, those are not things that even my good friend who I have always had since 5th grade thinks.  Consensus is that I’m direct, honest, and straightforward.  I’ll take the consensus, because I only entertain a friendship with her for a day or two.  In fact, I only entertained a relationship in the same manner after September.  I told her that we don’t show up to the external world in the same way and that I wish her peace.

So, I have a few sentences.

  1. Fine.  How are you?
  2. Good.  Just working.
  3. Great.  He is doing tons.
  4. How are things for you?
  5. Hours for school are hard.

Cool!  I have read enough Hemingway to be able to do this stuff well.  That’s it.  It’s on a rolodex.  (However in the days of SIM cards and synching your email to your phone, those days are over.)  But, I can open this entry when she does get in touch with me again so I have my list.  Those are the ONLY things that I will say to her.

My girl from church and I didn’t get to talk on the telephone yesterday.  Damn.  I think that she likes being pursued though.  I don’t have time for that though, and haven’t had to do it much.  I came out at 33.  I lived with my college gf, and my hs gf lived across the street from me.  I’ve never had to pursue much, and generally do like the quote that those who want to be caught are the true catches, so I’ll just wait to hear from her.  That is what is best with introverted Water Signs.  And believe me, I have had three–fourteen-years worth–and also a few dates with a girl who was exactly her sign.  The secret is…  Don’t overwhelm them.

She has to work all day on Saturday, and because she has been unemployed for so long, I completely get that.  I left her a VM and said that the offer for dinner is always open, because I’d like to get to know her better and that if I need to get a sitter, so be it.  Yesterday, I actually had to serve communion as well.  She came up in a large group of transgirls and when I smiled at her, she flushed.  It was very cute.  I texted her later that for what it was worth she looked pretty today and I was glad that she took communion from me.  It’s nice to flirt.  I’ll see what transpires.  I do think that summer is a good time for me, and even if it’s super hot and burning again, I have done my hard work moving through a bad relationship, and I even had my sex-only rebound thing.  I’m looking for more.  I’m going to go to my friend’s church a bit this summer too.  I also have two races in April, and then one in June, and one in July, and a cycling event in September.

Church was beautiful yesterday.  Having been raised Catholic, I can’t think of a time that lent has been beautiful, but it was in my church, and the message was that we are not alone ever and that we are all works in progress.  I sat by this guy who I really like.  He is sweet and fairly quiet, but very bright.  He and I both had tears during the service.  My boy came bounding up with paper dolls right before the last prayer for communion–of course with wounds on some of them–and said, “They are all different.”  It seems that they are still doing diversity in the children’s liturgy.

I don’t want to “get things right.”  Rather, I want to move and learn from a woman who walks my path and and I walk hers.  I’m good with being “in progress.”  Remember that Bill Murray only really does want Andie McDowell in “Groundhog Day,” but he has to become well-rounded and authentic before she will even notice him much?  I am good with where I am.  I don’t put others down, and I know that I can be good to those who I know and nurture.

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Fears

Many behaviors that we exhibit, which are complex and seemingly not sensical at times, are merely a function of our level of anxiety that we experience when specific in situations.  I am worried about being unable to get along for an hour, but I know that I am much more well-polished with those skills than she is.  For example, I have to see my ex-husband literally all of the time.  I am completing clinical hours after work, so he has to pick up our son after school.  It is rare that we have disagreements and I simply refuse to engage in anything similar to a power struggle with him when he explodes.  About quarterly, he annoys me with an explosion of temper, but I don’t say anything to our son.  I tell him, “I’m not going to engage with you like this,” and I probably could have done stuff like that with my ex too, but she attacks and dehumanizes with her words.  That is for her and her new girlfriend to work out 🙂

She is anxious.  She emailed me five or six times last Tuesday, and last night–very late–she did so twice and from her social media site.  When you have been with a controller and you are trained like I am, you know why she does what she does.  However, I don’t have to open the next email from her, because it’s similar to the first one.  She will not “see” anything, because I won’t open it, and if she really, really wants to share songs with me,  she can email me to my account and send one of those “read upon receipt” sending conditions.  She doesn’t attach a file, but rather says, “I like the beat in this song,” or “You’d love this song.”  Some of these contacts make me feel like she is trying to get me to add her back, but I wouldn’t do that for anything and maybe never.  Wow.  Even Shane is better with following friendship rules.

I had written in some summer entries that what you do for a living does matter.  Peter Pan introduced herself to me as a teacher, but is actually an assistant who does not work full-time.  Not only was it distasteful for her to lie for two months, but it also made her free and easy, fly-by-the-seat of your pants, screw at one in the morning before you go home attitude make a lot of sense as well.  What you do for a living effects your show-up factors.  My ex is used to everyone around her lying to her and getting away with things, so she crafts control through methods that seem legitimate.  I’m just used to her, so I simply know why she does things in the method that she does.  If she can truly switch careers next year, as she has made a good product, she will likely soften some, which will be very good for her son and those who she caretakes.

I told my shrink that because I do what I do, I may be alone forever.  She laughed, and said, “No, but you are likely to be more discerning with relationship.”  What I am really glad about is that when I’m just enjoying–not when I’m fighting or being treated badly–I don’t even think psychologically.  However, when a relationship is ending or has ended, I do know what my exes will do.  Again, I just don’t have to engage.

We need friendship ground rules.  I’ve been thinking that it could be necessary to tell her that I am am very much on-the-fence that we can be friends.  I think that we can be cool and be amiable, but I believe 1) your partner is your best friend, and 2) she is so intense that the level of friendship that she and I would have–meaning with which I am comfortable–would not be fulfilling for her.  What do I want?  Very little to be honest.

Infrequent contact seems more normal to me, as does hanging out annually or a couple of times a year.  I have to also be honest and also say that it would be much easier for me to come over to her house after snowshoeing when I have a girlfriend who is there with me.  There still exists this power differential and I don’t know if she can keep her mouth shut about sex with me.  I guess that many of these musings shall be answered after Thursday.  I have to go commute in through the snow in an hour, so I’m signing off for this day.

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Simple

I had dinner with my new friends last night–I met the first girl through one of my best friends who is currently living in CA.  It was excellent.  I’m so entrenched in making all kinds of Italian and Asian dishes that I forget about simple foods.  She combined mushrooms, seeded tomatoes, and then coarse chopped green beans, carrots, and kale.  Finally, she added beef at the end and made it in a large stock pot.  My father always used to boil and make polenta, but she buys the tubes and fries the discs in olive oil.  It was very good, and luckily, she also had a big favorite of mine and that was sweet potatoes.  I brought a red blend that originates from the area of Italy that my grandmother is from, and, of course, my salad.  Her girlfriend kept complimenting the salad and also polished it off 🙂  YUM

It was another easy night.  Their love story was that they met on Craigslist, but they had seen each other on other dating sites, and were intrigued, the only one my new friend had ever responded to was her, and she said that she had always been seeking a healthy relationship.  She had been in a 5.5-year one in another state, but wanted out of it for a long time.  I told her that because I had that very long str8 marriage, and was with him for a total of 11-years, I won’t settle now and tend to end things after I have given what I know from my experience is every last try.  She told me that is a good thing to do, because relationships shouldn’t really be that hard.

I tend to agree with her.  Life is the thing that is wrought with twists, turns, adversity, and difficult circumstances, but your real partner should just meet that with you and own her emotions.  She should not have to tear you up and rage around you more than she just wants to be held.

We laughed really hard.  We played a progressive card game.  Her mother and bf were in NM, so they were excited that I brought our dog.  My friends were house and dog sitting for my new friend’s mother.  The dogs actually played for nearly 4.5-hours.  Mine is happily sleeping right now after breakfast because she got that, my attention off and on yesterday, many trips out to the backyard, and a long walk in the University district last night.  I actually didn’t want to go last night, but I’m getting so damn old to stay out past midnight.  Some of it is just that my work requires early mornings as does my son, so my internal clock has altered.  However, I didn’t want to leave and just kept noting the ease.

That’s what I’m seeking–ease.  Peter Pan thought that she was easy, but what she really was is selfishly spontaneous.  She doesn’t plan anything, and just lets winds blow her where they will and because she is a pleasant person most of the time, she can just show up and usually get some good convo or sex.  However, although I’m seeking ease, I’m also seeking a grown-up.  I was married to a child and have dated two children as well.  I like fun and someone less serious than I, but I do want an adult with grown-up values.

foodforblog

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Foresight

One of my friends calls me a little strega.  Her Italian grandmother was that way.  I think that must be a peasant term though, because my son has a book that obviously takes place in Eastern Europe in which part of the title is that word, but I identify and look most like my Italian side.  My friend, who is half Italian, means it like clairvoyance or what is called “being sensitive” by Proloux.

It isn’t just the whole thing with my ex who moved away, but it’s also that my recent ex emailed me yesterday.  She emailed me when I was looking at the friend across the table from me and getting ready to tell her that because she was so close with her grandmother, she should be going to the event that I have two tickets for at the end of the month.  The event involves flaky pursuits related to death.  I didn’t tell her about my tickets, because we got busy with our kids.  My ex emailed that she would keep her promise to me and would go.  I think when I was ready to ask my friend, my ex emailed.  I had intentionally left my phone in her car because I didn’t want to drag it around with me while we shopped and ate.

When you tell people that you are intuitive and that you know things, they look at you as if you’re a crackpot.  Although I have to rely on empirical, and also short-term methods at work, I do feel and notice factors that others probably pay no attention to, and I can feel energy.  The energy can be 50-miles away or six states away too.

The same friend, who I was with, who calls me strega, who has a kid eight-months older than mine said that when you are intimate with someone, some of her or him is always part of you.  I certainly have felt deaths and other things from my exes.  She is probably right.  I didn’t tell her that my ex emailed, because I would have gotten an earful.  I went back to our conversation and plans at the time.  In fact, because she is the same friend whose ex husband has cancer, I always concentrate only on her when we are together, which is typically twice a month.  When we left the store we were all shopping in, I told her that I had to tell her what I felt two-weeks ago.  I told her the whole weird story about my ex who moved though, and she said, “I knew that you’d tell me something like that.”

It wound up that I couldn’t confirm plans with my ex for the event until really late last night.  I was at my friend’s house after we shopped, and then I had to cook, walk our dog, eat, and play with my son as I promised this weekend.  He didn’t get to bed until an hour-and-a-half past his bedtime.  It would probably be nicer if I wasn’t so into good food.  Most people micro cook whatever, and I know that days are longer because I do cook.  Oh well.  Last night was a pretty late one for my son’s school night.

Initially I was a little flustered when I read the email.  Then I got to a place wherein I didn’t have to or think it appropriate either to disclose stuff, but rather emailed a few sentences.  I guess that I kinda followed suit and just did well wishes, but I also thanked her for dropping me a line and confirmed our plans.  It will be weird to have  a drink before if she’s dating someone, but I’m the one who wanted to be amiable, so.  I can’t tell if she is or not.  We should only very rarely run into each other, so I think that pleasantness is really possible.  That makes me happy given where I was when we were together.  I’m just simply ready to be vulnerable with a girl who is nice to me, and who I get along with most of the time.

On Saturday, I told my friend’s sister (We went to a bday party for a kid just three-years younger than my son.) about how I’ve changed during these nearly six-years.  I am ready for a real connection.  Passion and lust aside, I do want to seek compatible interactions.  I just still am confused how you meet girls.  I’m ready when I see her.

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Focused Forward

My office partner is somewhat of a mystic.  I met her nearly five-years ago, and when I was talking to her f2f for the first time, I realized that she would introduce me to my next girlfriend.  It took me over a month to admit this belief and truth to her, and she said this woman’s name right away to me.  We definitely tried, but we had weird timing.  She is also five-years younger than me, but from what I understand, her current partner is older than me.  Anyway, I’m sure that if I am ever in a meeting with her again, I’ll flush probably.  There is something about her that is purely fantasy, because we probably all want the one who got away.

One time in a large ladies night venue we met by chance and we talked–screaming in each others’ ears over house music is more accurate–and when she realized that I knew well her hometown and the surrounding area she paused and said, “I can’t believe that you even know where that is,” and we just looked at each other saying nothing, but sustaining intense eye contact.  Had she not been on a date–I didn’t know that while we were talking–we probably would have had to start kissing then.  Nothing ever happened though, and my office partner told me that she was too much of a player anyway, but now she’s settled in with an older woman who has a child that her ex birthed.  My office partner does know things.

However, I do still think that working the office again, as I did for just over a year in another position with this woman is interesting.  It could be that she is right, that my time with the right woman is around the corner.  She told me that yesterday.  And yesterday at work was unreal.  I have always believed when there is dissension and discomfort or even chaos around that things are disrupted and allow for balance.  Meaning yesterday was rough, and maybe tonight there will be a super hot girl at the Rec Center Pool Party that I’m taking my son to 😉

I know that I want things to be gentle and kind with my next girlfriend.  I think that I am being gentle and kind with myself, and that is always a first step.  I agree with the Ted talk that says that you cannot be kind and gentle with others if you are not first kind and gentle with yourself.  I want to focus on moving forward and doing well.  That I can really do.  I wouldn’t mind running into a girl who is on a similar path.

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Understanding

It is interesting to me that I could feel one of my exes so viscerally last weekend and it didn’t go away–especially since she really is sick.  Although I don’t really believe in closure when something ends, I do believe that there is knowledge and some change in one’s self when a stage or journey comes to a close.  I ended things with the woman who I spent the better portion of two years with right before my bday when I turned 37 in the fall of 2011.  The roughest thing is that I didn’t have a period of transition or silence that I’m taking right now though.  I started up with my ex after three weeks, and that didn’t give me the right amount of space.  I’m hoping that delaying intimacy will give me more space when I do meet a nice girl or some nice girls.  I was only with my ex for about a year and some change, and since she would religiously remind me that I didn’t have enough in common with her and qualities that she was seeking in a long-term partnership, we only were truly together and felt safe with each other for three-months, and she always had a proviso that she would throw up in my face even then, because she didn’t like the tone of ONE of my emails.

So, I probably can’t call her the the woman who I had to email “the drunk” anymore, because she only has one glass of wine at night.  I do believe her, but I also am educated enough to know that the triggers for alcohol abuse are multifaceted, and think if she were here, or on vacation that she could not exercise moderation.  Seeing her out of control is something that I don’t want to ever do again, but my son misses her and my son is also the love of her life, so she can certainly stay with us this summer and also sleep in the bed in the basement when she makes her trip to the midwest.

She also had a cancer scare.  I’d call her Steve McQueen, because she used to remind me of his character in “The Great Escape,” but my recent ex looks too much like him, so I can’t…  I can’t come up with anything, because I really know her as just a heavy drinker.  Anyway, she is six-states away from me, so I can refer to her as that.  Medical professionals sent a piece of her thyroid away to medical testing lab, and they say that they caught it in time and there was no cancer–she got this diagnostic information yesterday, but I think since that she also had a breast biopsy last fall, that it is a matter of time.  She eats mostly all highly engineered and refined soy products and rarely cooks, and most of the time, she’d just drink when I knew her.  She stopped exercising after she moved here (where I live) within about 3-months as well, and that was back in 2008.  She is not the picture of health.

I told her that I had told my shrink last fall that I would be her friend if she was on Step 4 of a recovery program, and now fate has thrown up health issues so she must recover.  She didn’t respond to anything that I wrote.  Although when she caught me up on her last 18-months, I responded and wrote about each topic and sent words of concern and empathy.  She did not respond to any of the details that I gave her about my ex or Peter Pan.  She said something flippant.  That’s ok, but that is where I realize that my shrink is right, my ex is just scared and gets critical, but is way more of a step toward what I want than the woman who moved six states away from my son and I in 2010.   She could either be overwhelmed that my ex was the love of my life, or that I confronted her about her alcoholism.  I don’t care, because I made my peace with her.  It’s not closure, but is learning and being authentic.

Being at peace is an amazing feeling.  I told her that regardless of the choices that she made, I wouldn’t be with her because of her use of alcohol, which is scary.  Even if she is recovering, I don’t want that, because it takes a very long time and you must be clean for a good period to not experience recidivism.  I wish her health and recovery from what I hope is nothing serious, and also from the abuse of alcohol.

Then there is my ex…  It’s so complicated to be in love with someone who you can be with due to bad dynamics.  We wouldn’t have to have them either.  We could just be and she would not have to get on my case.  My shrink says it is fear, but it makes me feel so bad and inadequate.  I can’t do that.  I just can’t.  However, as I’m still on that journey and not at peace, I don’t know what it means.  I’ll wait until I understand.

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Closure

No, that is bullshit, because I don’t believe it.  I just wanted a one word title this morning before I go into work and my night site.  People are dynamic, and as they learn, change, and have other influences which are external or result through connections with others, and they also change with respect to grieving the loss of another or a relationship.  I know myself well enough at this stage of my life that I just wait and think and act when I know that it’s right or it feels like the right thing to do.  When I was younger, I’d fly off the handle and simply react, but I’ve outgrown that.  This change is one of the main reasons that my ex and I wouldn’t work.  She says almost everything that pops into her head and is also hot-headed.  I don’t do that anymore and have learned to simply slow the hell down.

I woke up on Sunday with the drunk heavy in my mind.  After talking to a few people (close friends), I determined that maybe I should confront her in specific about her alcoholism.  Yesterday, this feeling turned to my being worried that something happened to her, so I just e-mailed her.  Turns out that she had her thyroid removed.  We have exchanged some e-mails and I certainly told her that I always worry about her health and what she does to her body that it doesn’t need.  I feel good about my contact too.  She had emailed me 8-mos ago and I only answered it now; although, I did so in a completely new thread.  She said, “I miss you both very, very much,” so this am, not wanting any mixed messages, I told her about my internship plans, my lack of desire to ever move, and that I am seeking a healthy relationship.  However, it is interesting to be back in touch with her.  We have known each other four-years this summer.  Wouldn’t that be great if I could get to this comfy level with my ex?!?  She left a bizarre message for my son on Monday morning.

I don’t believe in closure, but I’m tying up loose ends.  I’m living authentically and mindfully.  I work around the clock, but I still take time for me, connect to my son, and stay fit.  Now, over the next six-months, I want to meet some nice girls.  My cousin told me that I could delay sex about as well as I could grown horns when I was with her last night at Happy Hour.  I just want to actually know the next girl I date.  We shall see.  Or you will, as I nakedly chronicle my many years of dating here!

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Flake with goals

I succumbed to having an internet reading done, and my number is 4, and because I’m not deep in knowledge of numerological stuff, I don’t know what it means exactly, but my chart does some shifting on Tuesday.  That would be the 22nd.  I do get that.

How the hell do you meet new girls?  I met the drunk as I have said, in a bar, and then oddly, I went to a church for the very first time in many years (And this church was brand-new to me.) two weeks after I told her that we would not only be totally broken up but cool contact for a year or more, and I prayed to meet new friends.  That is the truth.  I went to a BBQ on THAT Sunday and met my ex through an ex-colleague’s (who is hosting a Happy Hour on Monday) colleague.  My former colleague’s friend from work is best friends with my ex.  (It sure as hell is hard to blog incognito, but I am afraid that I would make clever names for everyone that would hurt anonymity.)

I texted my new couple friends who I adore yesterday.  It is her bday this weekend and she said that her girl was treating her like a princess.  That is very cool.  They met on a highway.  That is the truth as well.  They were both driving over the Continental Divide–one solo, and one with friends–and the solo one needed CDs.  She signaled the one with friends to roll down her window and said, “Do you have any music?”  The solo one was married at the time, and the other one was involved with a woman who would not be “out” and say that she was her girlfriend.  They took a year of hanging out when they both moved here before they ever dated.

My good friend met her girl at work because she womans a front desk.  Their story, which I only heard last Sunday was cute because you could spot my friend as being a lesbian from far, far away, but her girl is very feminine.  So, when my friend was not getting it, her now-girl said, “Well, my ex-wife and I used to go there for coffee.”  The rest is recent history.

My colleague and her partner who I have been hanging out with as of late met in HI.  They were working in different fields, but wound up talking a lot as when you live in that state, you are on, an island.  I don’t know which one of the islands, but they have a sweet story as well.

I don’t know how my friend that I have through another friend met her girlfriend, but my friend who was here for her bday and Christmas said that her girl is very sweet.  I can’t wait to hear their lovestory.  The both seem really mellow.

You can’t really tell by looking at me that I’m gay.  I have a feminine presentation, but I’m muscular and assertive and have a very deep voice, so when someone new hangs out with me, they usually know.  They don’t know superficially though, because I just present bold and for the most part, women can be outspoken, at least in this area of the country, without drawing too much attention to themselves.  I don’t have to come out to anyone though after they have hung out with me three or four times.

My straight colleagues tend toward loving jewelry or talking about men a lot when they are more extroverted and straightforward, and I think that makes it so no one would question their sexuality.  I’m pretty friendly with everyone at work, so they know who I am, and I’m sure that they would mention a girl to me if they thought that I’d hit it off with her…  So, again, how do you meet women?

I’ll keep putting my bad, single self out there of course.  I can do that starting tomorrow at my ex-colleague’s Happy Hour too, as she has a collection of friends who she has always thought that I would hit it off with, and it’s funny to me that when her colleague was interacting with me two years ago that she thought that my ex and I were exactly the same.  My colleague told her, “You can have my friend exchange emails with your best friend, but probably nothing is going to happen because my friend is really picky.”

And I am, and I was not attracted to my ex via picture when my ex-colleague sent me one.  I thought that she had great arms and was a little bit cute, but definitely did not look like my type and looked way older than she is because she is always in the sun–you can’t do that here, because you get leathery.  My ex is not that photogenic as it turns out.  However, in one picture that she sent me much later, I thought that she had beautiful eyes.  And she does, and has the best ass that I’ve ever seen.  She was my first short girl.  Then Peter Pan was super short, but that wound up grossing me out.  I like a little heft and do really enjoy height, because you get those great legs then.  Uh oh.  Getting shallow here…  Been a month since sex, so that tends to happen as a derivative.

When I met the drunk, I told my buddy who works a front desk, “I’m going out tonight, and if she’s cute, tall, smart and funny, she is going home with me!”  And my buddy said, “Good luck with that,” in a super snotty way.  She was pissed as all get out when the drunk walked in and met my gaze and gave me a great smile.  I like that too.  I have been with three women with incredible, light-up-your-whole-face, smiles.

So, I’m ready.  I plan on riding my number waves of four, but will do so sensibly and try at least to somewhat stick to my 20 daylight dates.  I hope.  I don’t delay sex very well.

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Save it for the cookies

I’m not sure if there is a script for this whole looking thing.  I wish that I could say that I can do completely casual for a a long time.  However, if I think back to every girl who I slept with the exception of the little liar, I have to be very attracted to a girl in order to date her.  So, when I reflect further, it’s maybe not possible to have tons of hang outs with single girls.  I don’t do well with anything open.  I wonder if I can be very attracted to several girls at once.

Maybe it subsides when you learn that…  She chews with her mouth open or she doesn’t wash her hands with soap?  I don’t know.  I do know that as soon as I’m in a relationship with a girl, I don’t even look.  One of my best friends calls me “bizarrely monogamous.”  I just think that I work hard and pour myself into things very strongly, so I don’t have energy to expend that is significant in different directions.

Something interesting happened with one of my clients lately.  She told me about how she originally didn’t like a girl who became her best friend, and then over the course of a year, her “best friend” did some really shady shit to her.  I came to that she has good intuition and should not ignore it–meaning that she knows quickly who is who.  I told her that is her lesson and that is never to second-guess because she gets people quickly.

I know that I can’t follow a script, but I get people quickly too.  I won’t rush my year-before-living-together, but I will trust that I know.  My ex did push and pull and wordsmithed what I wrote and later what I said within two weeks.  The little liar just didn’t “feel right” to me and I succumbed to her pursuit games.  And hell, I met the drunk, in a BAR!  I wish that there was a factory approach to finding an incredible girl, but it just doesn’t seem to work that way in the world of dating.