Tag Archives: Journey

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I’m different

It occurred to me yesterday when I was telling her some details about my day that I’m the one who is really different in this relationship.  She has reminded me that we are just dating, well, then that’s what I’ll show up for and it’s not much really.  I have dated–lots.  That means that we will probably talk right before most weekends and just see each other and that’s it.  The thing is that we talked everyday for six-months, and then it got weird, so we began the dance of what 7th graders tend to do and that’s the break-up/make-up cycle and then I was completely fed up with it Memorial Day, so I bounced.

At that point (May), I was surprised that it was completely over and I was definitely listening to her HeyTells a bunch the following morning, but unfortunately, I wanted to leave a message for a friend and it was on her name in the menu, so I accidentally left her a blank one and that is how we began talking again.  I asked her to go to counseling.  She answered that question f2f six-weeks later and when the answer was, “No,” I had a fling with a semi-friend–who is actually too intense for me–and then when she found out about it, she FLIPPED.  That was odd, because when she wouldn’t go to counseling, I figured that we were done forever.  I had two dates that Sunday.  That knowledge caused her to take me off her social media and not talk to me for 12-hours and then she demanded to see me.  I think that is the only reason that she had sex with me, tbh.  “If I can’t have you, I don’t want anyone to.”  Our sex life is good, so if we can have sex once or twice a month that is fine by me.

We would need counseling though.  She is finalizing the property divisions between her and her ex-partner.  She was with her I think for about 6-years, and now, 7-years later, they are finally splitting their properties and the older children are really out of the picture.  That is a long divorce.  I don’t move that slow.  I do wait and observe, but not for 7-years.

I don’t think that she will go to couples’ counseling with me in January.  I think that is why she told me that I should see my psychologist when I was venting about work.  I am currently quite professionally dissatisfied.  I know what I need to do though, and will do it.  I don’t need to pay money to see my psychologist like she suggested.  In fact, like a guy, she is too quick with advice most of the time, so I probably won’t tell her what’s going on for me.  Doesn’t effect dating much, but would effect a partnership.  We couldn’t have a partnership anyway without some direct work with a therapist, so I will probably just date her for awhile.  I do need to get my doctorate done as a first priority, so when I can see her, great.  That’s really it for me.  I’m no different than where I came to on Memorial Day

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Unsteady

We had a rough night on my bday.  I think that I need to remind myself that she truly does drive the bus and tends toward a more rigid view of that when she is stressed or shaken.  That can work or it won’t.  I’m not going to invest all my soul into something that is not reciprocal.

I drove up on Thursday and unfortunately her check-up appointment did not go at all well.  She will have to have surgery.  This will translate into my being unable to support because she admitted that she will push me away if she is truly sick.  I think that I understand that, because if the tables were turned, I would not ask for help from her because of how far away she is.  I think that I would ask one of my friends who is single to move in rent-free so I wouldn’t have to go back to my folks’.  In my heart, I know that she is not really sick, but has torn an area that had become weaker when she had her son.

Friday was good.  Connecting with her friends surrounded by beauty was wonderful.  The rough accommodations for sleep made me feel lucky that we could go back on Saturday.  I know that leaving all the women was both a good and bad thing, but I just wanted to connect to her completely.  Her son had gotten pretty sick.  We took good care of him and he was well enough to ride bikes with us on Sunday.  Monday I drove back down and worked.  Now, I’m sick.  Not super sick, but I do have a sore throat and am tired.  I’m glad that we will know what type of surgery or course of treatment she needs as of today.

Our connection is good.  She said that the weekend taught her that we travel well together and show up in a social situation well together too.  I agree with both of those conclusions.

I also know that there is very little chance that I would ever date another mother again.  It doesn’t appeal to me for a variety of reasons.  I don’t want to juggle someone else’s kids, I don’t want tons of inflexible time compromises, and I would rather start fresh with kids of our own if partnership was possible.  I have fallen completely in love with her son, and I would not want to loose him either.  I don’t want that.  I also don’t want to chase girls anymore.  I want to do half or less of the legwork.  If we don’t work out, I would wait for girls to come to me, and I mean that.  I don’t like it when I extend myself and I don’t get texts back and the like.

Last night she was in overly positive mode, which is disingenuous.  When I am sick, I tend to seek out people who make me laugh so I can have a distraction.  The night when I had already fallen asleep she texted that she wished that I was there to hold her and that she was sorry for the emotional volatility.  I actually don’t feel like she impacts me in that way.  I know her.  There are superficial things that I don’t know about her, but I know how she shows up.  Right now, she will push me away for awhile, and that is what she does when she is dealing with things.  That’s ok, because I never contacted her first all summer, so I can keep busy with life all the while getting my doctorate done.  I also know enough about dating, so if we are meant to continue, life won’t get in the way.

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Futures

I think that because I have always put out the intention that she is the one who I want to be with, that there is a chance that we can be together.  I got two therapist’s vitaes and saved them to a file that I’m making, which includes a contact who was recommended by one of my colleagues who is also my friend.  The timing is bad though, because she is still trying to finalize that property division between her and her ex-partner, and continues to work around the clock.  Dust really needs to settle for her before she can have a partnership and build something with her son as a family.

She had a date with a woman who got gamey and strange this summer.  Sounds so familiar to me because I have dated for five-years and can’t even count the number of them that I have been on–many of which have yielded nothing–and I have been with two women for more long-term situations.  I was with her for 8-months and was with my ex for much of two-years.  However, I find it troubling that the commitment piece has not been mutual for me for large amounts of time given who I have chosen.  This time around, I am hopeful that she and I can build a real commitment, which is based in passion and the desire for companionship with one person.

I can hold that I did make mistakes with her during the 8-months that we were together.  I also think that when things get tough, I tend to be more committed to bouncing than the girl.  I think, “Fuck this.”  That is not the stuff of an ltr.  I want to think, “I will stop at nothing to make this relationship work.”

We are going away for two nights.  Given that neither of us are campers, I’m sure that it will be interesting to say the least, but I am excited to get to spend time with her in the mountains and be around her friends finally.  I have met briefly many of them, but have not had time with them in typical conversation.  I also just want to be outside with her and trek around.  We have not gotten out of town together in 10-months.  I can really sense where things had gone awry previously and where they should go in our future.

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Immediacy

So, when I work with kids and also do some work with adults I sometimes have to ask them, “Where are you right now and what are you experiencing?”  That kind of in-the-moment focus helps one not drudge up the past and also aids the ability of a person to be fully present and focused on moving forward.  She came over late last night and we just enjoyed each other fully, and I also made a full breakfast this morning for both of us and my son.  One of the highlights was when my son’s dog busted into the bedroom and lain her body on her.  I told her, “That one is mine, and you’ll have to find your own.”  She loves her and it is obviously reciprocal.  We wound up being all of us piled in the bed and she held my son too.  It was a sweet morning.

Last night she told me that she wanted to get naked and I said, “Well, that sounds great to me,” and she quickly followed it up my affirmation by saying, “Well, not a naked cuddle.  My intention is to fuck, so I just want to be clear.”  I actually really like how direct she is, and still hold that hers and my sex life is incredible and would be impossible to parallel.  We had quite a lot of sex and then drifted off to music via my iPod in a docking station.  It was nice.  We would have had some more lovemaking this morning, but we got in pj’s because my son was awake and all cuddled together eventually.  I can still smell her perfume in my room and will be missing her tonight while she is in the mountains with her mother and son and some of her “adopted” family.

I told her that I just want to hang out with her.  She told me that she just has to be sure.  I told her that there is no “for sure” things, but that I’m not about to bottom line our situation or think that she should trust me within 6-months.  She said that if I gave her an ultimatum, she would bounce.  I didn’t remind her that I told her that I didn’t want to continue after we had tried to reconnect in July and she presented like a corpse, and that it was she who continued to contact me constantly.  I honestly thought because I had hooked up with a girl a few times, and also had two different dates with two different girls that we would never speak again.  Then she got it, and that was if we truly were operating with immediacy, we need to just enjoy and not be so damn guarded.  Saying, “my intention is to fuck” is a great start.  We need to stay here…  Laughing, talking, enjoying each other and our intimacy as best as we are able given very busy and separate lives.

I still love her and told her all last night and this morning.  We do love each other.  We do have incredible amounts of passion and wonderful intimacy in convo and also the sexual realm.  I know that we are in love, and hope that we have the ability for a commitment.  She told me that I treat her better, am not selfish, and say things that are sweeter and sound different than they did before.  She is still grieving her loss, working on finalizing all aspects of her “divorce” from her partner who she has not been with in 7-years, and just wants me, to be me.  I can do that.  It’s the only way I know.

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Actually different

I get it now, but it took all this time away and my holding that her ability to withdraw emotionally from me would not work ever again.  I want to maintain a connection with her, and don’t want her to pull away when she is scared or when she feels like she has to control a situation.  The only thing that I think that wigs her out right now is that I slept with a girl when we were separated this summer.  I also had a couple of other dates too.  I don’t think that she understands that I just take what she says to me at face value, so if we are broken up, I’ll do whatever.  Ultimately, I’m looking for a partner and one to raise my son with in the end.

I knew that I was in trouble when she got out of her driveway and that was more than a month ago.  My attraction to her is intense and consuming, which is why I didn’t want to see her.  So, we talked and laughed and she said some funny stuff to me.  I kept turning red, which is actually completely ridiculous when you have been with a woman for eight months, but she still really does it for me.  At one point she said, “How many times are you going to get into your pantry when you blush?”  She also made some jokes about being dead inside and I told her that I was glad that there was no formaldehyde anywhere around because I just wanted us to be genuine with one another.  So, we were.  It was easy.

I do understand that this venture won’t be all easy, but I don’t want any of that back and forth bullshit that we had.  So, I just lay low and wait until she wants to connect.  With all the shit that goes on in her life, I’m glad that she does make as much time for me as she does, and it’s a lot.  We had a nice weekend together this weekend.  It was a date on Friday and a little connection plus time with her son on Saturday.  That is good enough for me.  I’m just going to see how things play out this year, and then go from there.

I still love our sex life.  I still think that she is funny and sexy.  I love her eyes.  Her body feels perfect in my hands.  I very much like that she thinks that I’m funny, a great lover, and that I’m smart and intellectually stimulate her.

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Never over

I let her have dinner with me two weeks ago.  I don’t know what this experience will ultimately entail, but I know that based on some interpersonal work that she is doing, that she is different.  I know too, that she wonders if she’s lost me or if I will suddenly starting dating someone.  She was funny and open, and that’s a side that I have not seen since last fall.  She is in there, but is scared that I will just decide to explore intimately one of the connections that I have with either of these girls.

The first girl is obscenely too young for me.  A ten-year age different also involves some stage of life disconnects that would impact a relationship significantly.  It is also obvious that she is mad at me for breaking our date last weekend, but I don’t have the bandwidth to see two girls at once.  She was somewhat remote yesterday and promised to call Sat, and did not, so I didn’t say when I approached her that I was back seeing my ex.  No reason to when after our date you didn’t contact me much.  I think that I got one text, so it was simple for me two weeks ago to say that I had too much going on and couldn’t keep our date.

The other girl is quite reserved and shy, so she won’t make a move and honestly, she would be a wonderful friend to me, and that should be where it stays.  I seek passion.  She gives me those non-hug hugs as well, so nothing will ever happen.  I kind of am an introvert collector, but it’s been much easier for me to date an extrovert.  I’d rather that she and I just spend time together to get a good friendship on track anyway, because my extremely social lifestyle would put her over the edge if we had a relationship.

I had to change some plans with my ex this past weekend and she came unhinged.  I reacted too much to it too.  I need to remember that she has not gone on a vacation in 8-years and that she works around the clock most weeks.  I don’t want to call her at work again, but will answer when I am able at my work.  Changing plans is not good, but I don’t come unhinged when they are changed.  I’m ultimately more flexible and patient though.

The appeal still is that last fall was gorgeous in every way, and that we have a deep emotional and physical connection.  She held me tight on Saturday night and told me that she was too spent to make love and told her that was fine.  She said, “Who is this?” I told her most of the truth, and that was that sex will usually happen if you have a strong connection and I noted that during our summer of separation.  Another factor is that for a minute this summer, I kinda dated a girl who would have shown up to do me any day of the week, and that left me empty.  I want my sexual activities to matter every time that I do it.  Yesterday morning we had a couple hours of wonderful contact that was some of the best that we have ever had.

I just want to hang out with her when it makes sense, less the intensity that ultimately feeds problems.  I don’t have to engage when she is angry about something that has only to do with me on the periphery.  I could date, but I don’t want to date.  It’s too much work unless someone is honest about being into you and has confidence and drive to meet you half-way.  I’d rather get the things done that I have to, and continue to work on a possibility for relationship with my ex.  It seems crazy, but deep, passionate love is crazy.

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The Good Fight

What will I do if I still feel this way after next fall?  It has been so beastly hot as of late that I will just be glad for the season to turn, but honestly if she continues to hold so much weight over my heart, what will I do?  Nothing seems to help.  We were so damn happy last fall, and nothing compares to the way that I felt then or how much of myself I gave to her.  I’m not sure when or if those conditions could be met again.  I could do some low maintenance thing with a girl, but I probably could not give too much of myself and that is not fair.  The last girl who I dated was just too needy and thought that she was beyond reproach, but I wonder what would happen if I met a really incredible girl?  Would I even “see” her?  I’m incredulous.  I wish that there was some way for my ex and I to actually be together and enjoy each other without rancor.  I am still in love with her.

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Cultivation

I am really hoping that this year I am able to get some distance between my heart and my ex.  It’s not that I ever contact her, because I just don’t.  I actually also wrote her a letter about where I am, as she has been incessantly contacting me and I’d prefer that it would abate.  She had told me to tell her when I move on because she told me that she only wanted to hear that from me.  Dating for a couple of weeks was a mere distraction, and in the letter that I wrote her, I told her that I had been distracting myself for a couple of weeks and stopped.  She knows me so very well and is a mature person, so she will understand the subtext, and I’m sure that it will piss her off to high hell.  However, I had to just see if this girl and I were compatible.  However after two weeks, she presents as clingy when her roommate is out of town, so I’m not sure if I can even fully tend to a friendship with her.  I think that she is just young.

My ex is not young.  We are exactly the same age.  Our birthdays are just three weeks apart, and being with her did not involve any explanations.  It was easy to talk and interact with her.  I just wish that she would have been less stressed so she would have treated me better, but I guess that is not in the cards for us.  I’m at this stage where I am vulnerable though, so I told her that I knew that she had contacted me and that I had not contacted her back until now, but it was because it’s just very hard for me to engage with her.  I just wish that we would have been able to work out the nuts and bolts of our relationship in counseling.  However, I suppose that she and I were not meant to be in a longterm relationship for some reason.  I would like to build one, but don’t want to sacrifice what I believe is treating others right and building a future or do I want to be with a dreamer who plays all day to escape dealing with real issues.

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WTF

I don’t know what I am doing.  I know it’s a new girl, but really what does our life path even have the possibility of holding?  She talked about how much she loves kids and would be a great parent and sees herself with a kid, but now since sex, she won’t even hang out with us.  He would have no clue that we were dating, and the rule, which I actually know because I AM a parent, is that you don’t wake up together unless cohabitation is probable.  I don’t think it is in this case with us ever, but I will take time to see.

Here is why I don’t.  I’m working full-time and parenting full-time.  She cooked for me last night, which I thanked her profusely for doing and it was good, and when she came back to my house after 10:00 pm having played some rec sports, she was mad because the ref made only calls against them and they lost, so I had to hear about that for 10-mins.  Really that is souring your mood that much?  She never thought that my day entailed leaving for work, working all day, going to two grocery stores, cooking dinner for my son and his Dad who is graciously watching our son for the next three weeks, working out and then watching her cook (While I opened a beer for her.  She has probably had over a case that I have bought this last month.), and then we had sex.  When she left to play rec sports, I walked my dog.  When I came home, I was spent.  I didn’t even want her to come back, but she had left shoes here.  I listened to her bitch about the ref, I got her stuff to clean her scrapes, but I didn’t drink beers and hang out all day so unlike her, I was falling asleep.

My day is different. Our days will always be different because she works part-time.  As trivial as it  may sound, what you do for a living does affect the way in which you have to organize and live your life.  It’s not just her looks that are polar opposite of my ex, it is also her lifestyle, which is a solely free and easy one.  This is the first time that she made a meal for me and I have made her about 7.  She said that I took advantage of her.  I don’t get that.  Does not add up and seems odd after a few rolls and undefined dating.  I was tired, have been working after my vacation, and I always spend time with her.  Very odd.

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Willpower

It is hard when you are getting to know a girl with whom you wonder if she has a lifestyle that could fit yours to not text your ex back or even engage with her.  I supposed that it just goes back to what my psychologist said and that’s you can’t control her contacting you, and you can control your reaction to it.  So, she has been all over my social media page and commented on one activity and a picture of my son, and I thought that the text that I had gotten while I showered was from the woman who I am currently seeing, but it was from her wishing me a happy workday and telling me that the office is lucky to have me.  It’s sad, because she does this…  She treats people like shit and wonders why they don’t engage with her after the fact.  My reaction is that she still has a very strong hold for me and I can’t contact at all for three-weeks and that’s just for a bday wish.

My current and I haven’t really rebounded from the fight, but we did have sex last night very late and connect.  Because of the disagreement, she makes lots of jokes about our fight, and some of her jokes have that injured feel.  She is probably like me and that is basically a forgiving person, but she is incredulous that it will happen again.  There are some things that I must accept about her.  She is loyal to her roommate and believes that she meets her needs less sex, she is still very much tied to the negative feelings about her ex and some border on emotional vengeance, and she does not see longterm potential in what we have.

I tend to go with what the person who I am dating gives to me.  She is sweet.  She is earnest.  She has a free and easy lifestyle and does not want to be constrained in particular; although she enjoys time with me.  I suppose that I am open to meeting another woman, and that part of me feels sad that this is my approach with such a sweet girl who I can laugh with so easily and who makes time for me.  I will take over the next who knows how long the lessons that I get from her and add it to what I am ultimately seeking.  I still am looking for a compatible partner.

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I have issues clearly

So, I took my son to my folks’ house during the lunch hour and met her for a impromptu date yesterday.  I fed her meter–actually I parked her car too, as she had trouble getting in the spot–bought her a couple beers and pizza and we went home to have sex.  It was nice, as was the conversation that we had, but then she suddenly looked at her watch and said, “I told [my roommate] that I’d be home at four, so I have to go, as much as I’d like to stay here and have sex all afternoon.”

I told her that she has to get home to someone who doesn’t give her what I do–which I had said in a smart aleck, in jest sort of way.  Then she said, “I have been in a relationship like that where I was told, ‘Oh, you can be an hour late.  You can be half-an-hour late,’ and I’m not going to do that anymore.  I like to tell whoever I’m meeting what time I will be home and do it.”  I said, “OK.”  I got up and got dressed.  That was not what I was saying, and I was joking, but I was pissed at the abruptness of her transition, and because she is so attached to her roommate I was really aggravated.  Also, I took my son elsewhere to do something nice for her, which I paid for, orchestrated, and was not implying that she needed to be late.  I was joking around.

As I was getting ready to leave my bedroom, I was seething, because she was comparing me to some girl who she was with for over three-years, and is probably 10 or more years my junior.  Then, the kicker was that it was 50-minutes until it was 4!  She lives 15-20 minutes away from me.  I told her the time and she said, “Oh, I looked at my watch wrong!”  I was infuriated.  Last night when we talked for a two-hours she said that I blew her looking at her watch incorrectly way out of proportion.  I told her that it seemed convenient, and she was insulted that I thought that she’d lie.  I told her that with the fervor that she started leaving, it seemed so dissimilar to the way in which she rolls.  I figured that she was going to go out, do whatever around girls, and wanted to get the hell out.

So, she is now aggravated at me for thinking that the watch was an excuse and that I want her to be with me all the time.  The latter is completely bizarre.  I have to admit that she triggered my ex-partner stuff.  Recall that my ex-partner was not exclusive with me, always slept with another girl, and “fell in love with me” when she had moved to the Southeast.  I do not want another fuck buddy again, and do want to be of value.  I guess that if you have as many relationships as I have had that you have what Missy Higgins sings about which is scars.

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Semi-gf

Remember in “Singles,” when one of the main characters is sitting in a coffee shop and says, “Hand me that phone, I am going to call my new, semi-girlfriend?”  I don’t know if I even really want one right now, and I do know that my schedule is daunting for all who are around me.  I was with my best friend and her family yesterday and she said, “Isn’t there one night that we can have dinner together next week?”  Things are going to go from busy to insane within seconds here, so I don’t know what I am capable of in terms of relationship maintenance.

Also, I would NEVER live with girl until I have known her a year, so I am not sure when you switch your relationships when many falls come around, how you will have a partner to do the day-to-day with you.  I told her and it is unfortunately very true that I have been part of a catch and release program for sometime now.  However, what I imagine myself being in is a longterm partnership.  That is what I’m seeking though in all honesty.

She left yesterday morning before I left to take my dog on a walk.  She was in text contact most all afternoon and then came over to connect and have more sex in the late afternoon.  I didn’t ask her to come over, but she kept asking what I was doing and when I would have my son with me again.  Then she had a family situation to deal with, which stressed her out, and we wound up talking quite a bit on the telephone before bed.  Then she texted and said that she still wanted to be talking to me, so we did.

She is sweet.  She is romantic.  She is an earnest and aggressive lover.  She is young.  She is scared to be vulnerable and open with me, so I will do what I do with anyone in that boat and that is give space to her while being consistent and solid.  In conclusion, I really do like her, enjoy time with her, and am grateful to have a girl to sleep with and connect to while I am working on my wounds.

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Growth

I got mad at her last night, and I’m not going to lie.  She told me all about what her housemate and she have decided about dating a mother, and I told her in addition to neither of them not being parents that they really don’t need to make me out to be a Springer episode.  And they don’t.  We aren’t doing family time, and the latter was only done with my ex because it was the first and only time that I fell head-over-heels in love and believed in a one.  Also, I loved, loved, loved her son, and really can’t click to her social media page because I don’t want to see him.  I loved him and I still do and probably wouldn’t have put up with her shit as much with no backlash had I not felt so connected to him.

Now, I want concerns to be dealt with right away, so I told her that she and I would be seeing each other every other weekend until we make some decisions.  This is dating at it’s purest form and that’s it.  Speculating about my abilities as a parent when your analogy is your str8 sister and your nephew and two nieces that you see about monthly is a poor one.  She knew that she crossed the line and I don’t want her and the woman who she lives who she addresses as “her wife” to make assumptions about me.  It’s judgmental.

I won’t be judged.  I won’t be defined.  I will slowly see what we are.  I will make some decisions after some time has elapsed.  I will communicate clearly and efficiently too when I’m triggered.  After it occurs, I will write about it, and put it away forever, because I wish that my ex could have done that just once with me.  I’m not going to make hash marks.  That is NOT me.

She called me back 5-minutes after we hung up and asked me to tell her a joke.  She said our conversation was odd, and I didn’t remind her to put herself in my shoes, but I did call her back several minutes after we hung up again, and told her one.  We will have fun tonight though…  I just know it.  I’m done with it, told her where my limit is, and I won’t even put energy out where she can talk about my son who she has seen twice.  I want us to discover what “we” are and that should be free of my kid.  That is where my ex and I got convoluted anyway.  No texts since Thursday from the latter, so I plan on enjoying this night to the hilt, and having some good, illicit sex as well.

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Kindness

The friend who I have been sleeping with is so kind.  I can’t believe how conscientious she is about contact and staying connected to me.  We talked last night before bed and then texted some more.  I really hope that she will finally get some sleep.  I like just being able to talk free from resentment and simply enjoy when we are together.  I think that she and I really do have some destiny to stay in each other’s lives after we see out what it is that we are doing.

My ex texted me last night.  It says that she misses me and that I will always have a piece of her heart.  I don’t even know what that means really.  I think that given what she does for a living and how she controls her friends that she is not able to separate how she shows up with others or even differentiate between her work and friendships.  Even with her best friend, who she doesn’t see frequently, she still makes comments about and to directly in terms of the way that she leads her life.  It’s really a classic Adlerian paradigm, and I’d rather be with someone and just be.  I want judgment reserved.  I’ll delete her message in a little while.  I won’t contact her again.  I’ll wish her a Happy Birthday, but I don’t want contact.  I really do want a year’s worth of space.

I want kindness.  I’m seeking it and give it anytime that I can.  If someone is leading her life in a way that I don’t think is good, I can say that it wouldn’t be for me, but it probably works for that person.  A good example is a friend who I’ve had for 25-years who has done break-up / make-up with her partner for 4-years.  It would not be for me (And I have told her this twice), but I think that is the dynamic that she and her girl have, so it must work for them.  Kindness and consistency works for me in addition to honest and open communication.  I like having sex with someone who is kind, consistent, and honest with me too.  I am having a good end to my vacation this week.

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Momentum

I feel really good.  I think that although I did coerce her into coming over last night that I was good to her.  She was sore given her camping trip and fast-paced lifestyle that she has.  Also, she had not slept in four-days.  I should have taken melatonin, so I could have slept more soundly after I gave her a deep massage.  Next time…  Saturday that is.  I felt bad that we woke up a lot because I am–let’s face it–stoked to have a naked woman wake up next to me what will be three times this week.  That is so rare for me, and is honestly what I’m looking for longterm.  As is someone to make breakfast for everyday.  That was nice too.

I told her that my lifestyle may not work for her because this will be my busiest 10-months, but if she just wants to see what may develop given that I love hanging out with her and enjoy our sex life, then we can just see what it’s like when we spend more time together and settle into the fall.  We really had some good chemistry there and it is sooooo good to be back in the saddle again.  With my ex, things that were that satisfying became few and far between, so it’s also gratifying.

I’m just going to take this situation day-by-day.  She has housemates who are like family to her, and she frankly does not want to disrupt that much, so it may be that she is not really in the boat for a partner.  I’d be fine with us just having sex and seeing each other when we could and then becoming friends after I’m done with this busy, busy year.  What will be, will be and I feel so much better than I did and am grateful to not be pining for last fall with my ex.

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A taste

That is the bad thing about sex when you are not used to having it as much as you’d like…  You want more.  Damn.  She is out-of-town and I have my son.  I suppose that we will sleep together this weekend anyway.  Damn again!  I wasn’t going to do this kinda thing with her.  Physically, she is not really my type at all, but maybe I’m just so happy to liked for who I am and have someone interacting nicely with me that thinks who I’m sexy and smart.  That’s a good thing.  Sooooo superior to selfish, negative, and creepy when you are unwilling to drive to me, are unsure that I have longterm potential, and want to be free of sexual intensity.  Well, the latter sure has a different spin when you fuck until 5 in the morning and then do it again at 7.

I did tell her that she needs to be dating a non-mother and probably someone her age or younger.  She said that she has done younger.  I will tell you too that she was the first thing on my mind today as were some of the particulars from the 6-hours of sex.  When I called her this morning, I told her that I have no idea what we are.  The thing is that I just want to take a year and see, but I also want her to find someone way less complicated than I am.  I will be working constantly August – May and I have full custody of my son.  That is not constant sex, which is something that she likes.

I can also tell you that for right now, she is nice to talk to and that I’d do her right now if she was in town and I could get a sitter.  I fell in love hard once and it was simple for three-months, so now I think that I feel more comfortable going back to slow, organic development.  I shall see and truly have an ease with her, so I will just take each day with her and see what becomes of it.

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30-day trial is not applying right now

I had hot sex last night and this morning with a friend of mine.  She and I have known each other very vaguely, but we have been hanging out a ton since mid-June.  We went out and when the night waned on, I realized that I was going to sleep with her.  She is also vaguely in love with me, which made it flattering.  She is very smart too, so when we talked about our fate and a one-time thing, it was obvious to me that is just want she wanted as well.  It was nice, and it was very nice to forget about my ex for many hours.

The only thing is that she is ready to date, and I can date every other weekend.  Given that she does not have kids of her own, that is what we could do.  I told her what we both already knew…  We are at different stages of life, that I would not bring my son around our dating, and that she is worth way, way more than a rebound thing.  She deserves the whole package.  I need to heal up completely anyway.

I won’t sleep with her again anytime soon.  I want to do social things with girls and build up my circle of friends.  I used to say that I don’t do my friends, and I wouldn’t, but I just wanted arms around me as did she, because for her, it had been a long, long time.  She is a brand-new friend anyway, because I have known of her, but not known her really until last month.  I hope that this intimate connection will be an impetus for her to meet a girl who is not a Mom to date.

The thing that is amazing is how open she is.  My ex doesn’t take anything that I say at face value.  It’s a competition or I am not being truthful.  With this girl who is my friend it is polar opposite–as are her looks–which meant that I had to talk to her somewhat about the obvious reasons for our sex.  I have no regrets.  It made me feel vital and will help cure me of my ex’s spell.

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Leave it

I think that my ex did some girl on Friday night, so of course she gets into contact with me under the guise of supporting me because something awful has happened to some of the families who I work with and that she wants to “support.”  I did think about her all day and I actually don’t care that I said that she was the one who I wanted to hug me via text.  It’s true.  I  think that she was on my mind, because there was pain and pressure resulting from the problems and we had pain in our relationship.  That was our normal rhythm.  But, I do feel good about leaving her a VM saying that I have plenty of friends and if it was 5-years later, we could totally catch up, but right now, thanks for checking in on me, but what I miss is being her girlfriend.  I do get that she will always push and pull me and that is more her issue than mine, because I’m for real.  And I know that I can leave it…  Just like my dog is typically able to do with those things that would cause her pain or she does not need.

I am glad that I’m writing, because I don’t feel jealous now.  I was in Nancy Drew mode when I woke up this morning, and really the girl (Or even if it is a guy, because she does enjoy sex with men.) doesn’t matter, but what does is after she did it, she misses me.  In fact, I completed a 9-mile hike on Friday and she commented on the album in the middle of the night on Friday.  She can’t stop thinking about me.  Me.  The one who was a blue-light special who she won’t drive to, doesn’t know if I have longterm qualities, and just needs to see if we are compatible.  Well, at the end of the day, we will not have a longterm relationship, because she will not let it just be and grow, but instead has to look for “hidden” meaning in what I say and put parameters on my behavior that she controls.  So be it.  Now, I need to focus on the fact that she’s an ex and that I don’t need another friend.

My cycling partner’s family was in town last week.  I really liked meeting her sister; although my son was a mess and making interesting choices when he was upset.  I know what we can focus on this school year, because he is actually doing much better with compliance, so now we can work on confidence.  That is a good analogy for me too.  I am a good rule follower in relationship, because although my personality is fairly strong, I usually bend because I’m naturally adaptable.  This time around I will be cognizant about where my girl bends too.  Compromise and flow.  I really like that my cycling partner’s sister said about me, “I liked meeting her.  She is such a genuine person.”  That is me, and I know that I can find genuine too, because that is honestly the energy that I put out there.  Tomorrow or later in the week, I am going to start writing about my 30-day plan.

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Realization

I don’t like nominalizations as a general rule, but I guess I am here and that is what the outcome is because I’m completely single and it is one of those abrupt ending things.  I got really angry with her because her approach is competitive and superior.  I realized that would be hard for me and my son to navigate when she and I fought.  I was also really hurt when what I was reduced to was 1) not be willing to drive to me, 2) not sure if I had longterm qualities, and 3) wanting to date in a casual, but exclusive way.  All of smelled of I want you to know how not into you that I am, and you have to chase me while I call all the shots.

I have realized that I am at least initially attracted to these controlling, addict types of women.  They have this appearance and semblance of security wherein they really just want to craft a world that includes how others around them will behave.  I don’t actually miss her, but I miss the way it felt to fall in love with her initially.  How does one keep love going?  I think I could have had I not been attacked so often.  That I do not miss or do I miss the way that she would loose her temper walking her dog or when an employee of hers did something that she didn’t agree with in terms of performance or decision-making.  She is the type of woman who puts others on the constant defense in general.  I think that she likes to be intimidating, because then when those around her have had enough and leave, she can tell herself that they had failings or weren’t accountable.

I used to be so sweet to her.  I was reduced in the end to being hopeful, but ultimately realizing that we would always have an external factor in our relationship, which at the end was halting the physical component in our relationship.  I have great friends and I do get to see them often, but I do live alone with my son and my dog.  I don’t want to be living in this big house without a family that includes partnership.

I learned that I can be rawly vulnerable.  I mastered the ability to connect before and during sexual intimacy.  I developed the desire to keep my body as strong as is possible with many duties that I have.  I have started to put things that are small first in my house so I live in order each day.  I know that I am worthwhile and that I deserve lasting love, and even though everyone says that we all deserve to be loved, I appreciate working toward it and making changes that I can.  I will make mistakes, but I’m willing to behave differently.

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What does she want?

I still don’t understand where she is.  She chats me last week and says that she wants what I want too, eg. being held, co-parenting, and not feeling like she is carrying the weight of the world on her shoulders, and now the difference between she and I is that she doesn’t really have to have a partner.  Well, make up your mind.  You sure have about not going to counseling, but you still want the cake to consume don’t you?

She tells me that she misses our sex life and that we should try that as an approach.  I told her that I have had a loveless commitment, and I’ve had a fuck buddy, and now I’m seeking partner.  I guess that we have a lot to talk about today.  Again, she plays the role of seductress very well, but it feels like she has to keep one foot out.  I’m worth much more than that.  She said that we can’t make a relationship work, but doesn’t want to be analyzed or does she have time to go to counseling.  Given that she neglected to see the woman who she sees during her father’s last month, death, and disorganized funeral, I do know that the latter is true.  To be true to myself and respect myself, I can say what I want in just over four hours.

  1. I want to share my daily life with someone
  2. I want to wake up next to her and go to bed next to her more nights than not
  3. I want a family and the possibility to have more children
  4. I want to talk about things before they become problematic and evolve into bad patterns
  5. I want someone who even after some time, we still have trouble taking our hands off of each other
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Wonder

So, a brand new friend came over for the traditional 4th of July BBQ last night and we played with my son, talked, ate, laughed and connected.  Notice that I say new, because in fact, I met her at my friend’s going away party last month as that girl was moving to the West Coast.  We get along really, really well.  It’s easy and it will stay easy because of variety of reasons, but it’s sad that she does like me.  That won’t grow for me, because with sexual chemistry, I can feel it immediately and if I can’t imagine things, I don’t stare into your eyes, at your mouth, look at your ass, and glance at your hands, it won’t happen ever.  I know that is not cool, but I’m wired that way and passion doesn’t grow for me.

I was not only thinking how odd it was that she and I can just talk, but I was also thinking how good it is that when she challenges what I say that she gives me examples about what others do, etc., but doesn’t attack me or make a fundamental attribution error saying that decisions that I make, make me who I am, when in fact, they are simply decisions and not character flaws.  I also don’t like having my words dissected so they can be used as evidentiary support for why I have ulterior motives or am being deliberately evasive.  Why does my ex still have my heart?  Well, because in matters of the heart, rational thoughts don’t enter in as much as we’d like.  I told my new friend that it would really be great if I had a switch over my left breast, but I don’t, so I will just have to gain some understanding on Sunday and then make some rules.

She thinks that I will continue this waiting around thing, and I assured her that I won’t.  Otherwise, “coffee” would not have had those kinda thrilling aspects when I got compliments, or when we smiled as often at each other as we did.  I am glad she is taken, because I don’t want the swing through the rebound with a girl like her, and I really need to get my act together before I date again.  But, after some connection and time, I would be ready to date another girl again.

I wonder what Sunday will hold.  I think that I know because she is pretty transparent.  I think that she has now had ample time to build up her case for why I messed up our relationship.  That’s fine if that it is what she has to convince herself of, but I know that we’d have been fine if she didn’t start breaking up with me after the first of the year, and by the third round of it, I just tended to agree with her.  The final straw was the dramatic going into the spare bedroom when I was not only not near her or was I talking to her.  Honestly, when I think about that, I wonder why I even went up there over Memorial Day?  When you know that you have  a few good days with someone and then she goes back into a cycle of worry and anxiety, which translates into her attacking you, that will probably always be her pattern.  I don’t understand why she has my heart actually, and I wonder how long it will take to have it be ready and open for something new?

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Clairvoyance

Is this what “actual girls” really expect you to have?  There must be a reason that I have been with three Gold Stars, as they were pretty transparent.  A couple of my friends have said that my ex was my “first real girl,” but I lived with a barely bi straight girl in college, so I am not sure, but I do not get my ex.  What does she really want and expect?  I sure as hell don’t get it!  And when I was married to a man, I just wanted him to listen and not tell me what I did wrong or tell me how I should have handled things when I had a bad day at work.  I did not expect him to anticipate my needs and would directly say, “Can you just listen?  I don’t even expect you to respond,” which did translate into him making a hostile look while he listened, but then again, he does things so much better than me.  Anyway…

So, of course the contact CONTINUES.  And I don’t like the way that some social media sites keep you signed in if you are just simply using your cell, so I may disable that feature if possible.  She acts like we have been hanging out or something and can just do idle chit chat.  What kind of shit is that?!?  We have not seen each other since the 25th of May and that ended in total crap, so I am not sure what she is thinking.  She also wants to say that I am the one that is too busy, and that is bizarre too.  I asked her what was attractive about an 80-mile roundtrip in three-hours wherein I watch her paddle around a lake and get all kinds of emotions stirred up?  She changed the subject on that one!  Lord.

Sunday cannot come soon enough for me because she will just keep contacting me.  Why TF will she not go to counseling with me? I don’t get it, because if someone is on your mind this much and all you want is for them to hold you at night, then why don’t you want to make the relationship work?  I do not understand her.  I do need some loose ends tied up though so I can move on, so I really can’t wait for the weekend to get here.  I may not comprehend things any better than I do now, but we can make some rules so I don’t have to be pissed like I am.

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Dday

So, I’ve got a week.  That’s good too, because she actually is driving me nuts.  She said that she was thinking about me in a naked way last week, and a few hours later, she called and was sarcastic and flirty, and then we lost signal so she played her game by not telling me why she couldn’t call me back (She could have quickly sent a text.) until she was going to bed.  She is mean and manipulative.  The thing is that saying that to her won’t get me anywhere.  I just want to tell her that I’m not comfortable with much of a friendship until a lot of time has elapsed.  As she makes commenting on my status and activities in addition to pictures that have me in it a religious exercise, she can stalk me since she added me last week (She had taken me off when she told me that I was selfish, negative, and creepy.).  I don’t ever click to her page and may turn off any updates from her soon.

I just need to start getting over her.  My cousin is afraid that I will sleep with her next week and then feel guilty.  She needn’t.  That I won’t do; although, I am sure that she will be seductive, which is another form of her manipulation.  When she asks me directly if I’m either still attracted to her or if I want her, I will answer honestly.  Although I do, it wouldn’t feel right even in the moment because our relationship has gotten so gamey and fucked up.  I will tell her that even though I asked twice about going to couple’s counseling, her non-answer was enough for me.  I will also explain that I just need time off and I just believed that we needed to state our intentions uninterrupted and face to face.  Using her words to “not personalize it” when I don’t contact her at all should be that she understands that in order for me to heal, I don’t want to be intimately connected.  Again, maybe next July we can see what is what, but for now, we should embark on a Christmas card relationship.

We will need parameters and ground rules.  I’m going to ask that we don’t raise our voices.  I have only done that once at the end of a VM, but she is a screamer.  I also want us to completely hear each other out, and when I ask, “What do you think of that?” I would prefer that she tell me rather than say, “I’m just listening” or “I need to process,” because I know what that yields.  She keys up for why I am wrong much, much later rather than just validating how I feel.  That approach makes me really glad that I’m not her girlfriend and makes me not want to ever have her very close.

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The Right Things

I told the psychologist who I pay yesterday that I am doing all the “right things:”  biking, lifting, working in the yard as much as possible, working part-time, seeing my friends, and today I’m going to my cousin’s house so my son can play with his second cousins.  She told me chop wood, carry water is the right approach, and it is.  But, do you know what is even more important?  Getting good sleep!  I feel like a million bucks right now.  I also have a good distraction in that woman who I don’t see really, but who I got a good charge out of hanging with last Wednesday.

I want to be clear, because my only gay friend who I see often gave me a lot of shit about her.  I am not a cheater, and hope that a couple of years from now I am at their commitment ceremony.  However, I’m around if they decide that they don’t have that future thing.  I’m doing my thing an waiting for a girl like her who catches my interest, because I’m ready to be vulnerable and put it out there to try again.  Like John Cusack says in “Say Anything,” “I want to get hurt.”  I’m not a masochist, but I do believe that you have to put it all out there to really keep a lasting love.  I’m willing.