Tag Archives: Journey

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Coming down the world turns over

I’m doing well today and was during this week in general.  Monday she just couldn’t leave me alone.  I kept my line mostly firm: we should take a real break with no communication, but she continued, and I just didn’t respond.  One of her HeyTells was awful too.  I think that a small dog bled to death in her arms as soon as she got home on Tuesday night, as it had been attacked and stripped from it’s owner.  I couldn’t get follow up information because I don’t want to give mixed messages–no communication means just that.  So then of course she texted me at 5 in the morning yesterday and HeyTell’ed me too, but since we have all of our shit back from each other it’s not necessary to communicate and she is going to have to get used to that.

What’s distasteful to me, and is at least somewhat responsible for my firm line of no communication now, is that she not only continued telling me how selfish and negative that I am, but on Friday, she said, “I was creeping her out,” and that was a direct quote from her most recent partner who sent that to her in a text when she thought that she was cheating on her.  She just does not seem to sort much out, and lets previous experiences color who she is currently dating.  However, we must note that she has not ever dated…  She has had long-term relationships.  That’s all.  I’m looking for one, but won’t force it with a woman with whom I constantly fight.  She is my ex-girlfriend and we need this strict space, but I’m incredulous that we will ever have anything.  A Christmas card style relationship is comfortable for me right now, and I don’t see much shift.  She said simply horrible stuff to me and it frankly makes no sense that she’d want a friendship.

I know that she will contact me more.  If I’m so creepy, selfish, and negative and her life is perfect with all kinds of support, why can’t she leave me alone?  Also, I found another thing really unsettling.  She told me that she could be the best friend who I have ever had.  I guess that she never heard me say that my friendships are concentric circles and there are just a few people in that center circle who are truly my family and in my heart.  I had a dinner party when I turned 37 last year and every friend who is part of my soul was there.  It was amazing and the food was fantastic.  I love cooking and feeling the energy in my kitchen as my friends and family are conversing and vibing off each other’s actions and words.  That’s my life and I’m grateful.

It does give me pause though…  The timing…  To be very happy to get home early from work, hear “Help,” and see a woman running.  Then having your work clothes covered in blood from a little dog who you are trying to save.  That is macabre and frightening.  The timing is strange though, and knowing her as well as I do, she will say that because I didn’t reach out and connect to her when she told me what had happened on Tuesday night that I’m selfish, negative, etc.  That’s good, because she is not the best friend who I have.

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Shared Meaning

I can tell you what I’m looking for…  Not a woman who is exactly like me, but one who is open to discovering with me and has that sense of adventure.

I’m not sure that I have been approximating what a well-lived life is, because sometimes I am not balanced, so I’d rather reflect on I what everyone seems to say these days, “Put it out into the universe,” which I think comes from that somewhat Eastern movement on the law of attraction and what one is interested in for focus.  So, at least for today, I will write about what I value.

I love being outside and feeling the sun on my skin.  I love the way that water sounds when it is unsettled either from the tide or when it is disturbed by a motor and laps against an embankment.  The sound of water creates pause in my whole being.  I also like the noise that water makes when it is rushing when the table in a river is up.  When you begin a summit there is water around typically and I love knowing that growth is implicit in my surroundings.

Being on top of a mountain and feeling the wind cover your body while you look literally at the world makes you feel small and like you don’t really have a single problem.  When you come down and laugh full of natural endocannabinoids from your summit and have a burger and a beer, you have never felt so happy.  Snowshoeing up to a glacier lake and working your legs give me a whole feeling too, and again, I love afterward to share a meal with someone who I love and can laugh with about anything.

I love to cook when I come home, and if my day has been awful, I also open a beer and drink while I prepare a meal.  I love to throw dinner parties and hear my friends laughing in my kitchen and enjoy pieces of their conversations.  Music is my soundtrack and I break out into song with good friends or make references to song lyrics all the time.  I want to get back into practicing guitar and can’t wait until my son picks up an instrument!  He is dancing now, and although I can’t, I love to watch him dance because his energy takes on a life of its own and he is expressing himself.  In a woman, I find dancing sensual and appealing because you can see things in her that you didn’t see before, and I love novelty.

Adventure is critical for me, and it can be simple adventures like the good memory that I have holding hands crunching through the snow and then naked hot tubing under the stars–it’s like a pleasant surprise to have romantic things like that just unfold naturally, and is the ultimate expression of one’s chemistry with another person.  Organic flow is what I really mean when I think of adventure.   I love to travel and see new places.  I love meals that are well prepared and looking at art.  It would be really cool to see a new city and rent a bike and race around on it to discover tons of it quickly and then be able go back on foot holding a woman’s hand and feel the air on our faces while we look over the scenery that we took in quickly and now want to take in more fully, and at a slower rate.  It could be a preview from the bike with a return on foot because walking and hiking are somethings that I also value.

I taught myself how to ride a bike when I was eight, and I still feel youthful when I ride my pos Mt Bike down the street, around trails or on a singletrack.  I can race it as hard as I want or just glide down hills.  I love the wind rushing on my face and going for hours.  I feel strong and alive when I watch the clouds and the afternoon wane on while I’m on my bike.  I am sooooo looking forward to my new road bike.  I can’t wait to take her on her virgin ride and see a sunrise on her.

Quality of light is important for me too.  The moon casts a beautiful sheen across lakes, and the angle of the sun on a woman’s face at different times of day shows her beauty outdoors.  Seems that I value being outside, using my body, cooking and eating, and connecting and laughing–all of these things are made better if you share them with a beautiful woman.  I think that I do attract these things, so I must be lucky.

When I think of my son, I value that he is thriving, feeling well, and learning a lot.  Love of nature, being well and whole, and learning as much as he can from mentors should be his focus until he is ready to leave our house.  When one is balanced, he can give unto others, which is probably the only “Christian” value that makes sense to me.  In addition to being glad that he is enjoying sports, getting excellent grades in music, I am most grateful that he is regarded as the most kind and appreciative of diversity by his current teacher.  I hope that if I am lucky enough to add children to our family with a partner, and that this virtual child is able to feel well, be outside, learn and truly share.

I’m thinking that these desires and wants are what I value most, and my partner could make it more powerful and teach me things that I don’t know yet.  I’m prone to fantasy, but it is not just an escape for me, but rather I tend to think of it as what I see in my mind’s eye as a possible future.  When I imagine this partner, in one fantasy, I am outside with her and we are having one night away.  It wouldn’t have to occur much, but I would value it when it did.  She and I could maybe have a meal on a deck near loud rushing water when the table is up and have to sit very close together so that we would be able to hear each other and then we could hold hands while the sun sets.  She’d make me laugh a lot and I would be taken in completely by her eyes.  We could leave the doors to the deck open so when we made love you could hear that deafening roar of the water in the bg.
That kind of connection while in nature is important to me and my sense of meaning, as is going back to our kids and enjoying them after we had a night away like this one, because I think that meaning too, comes from raising a family together and meeting the challenges of parenting together as a concerted team (as co-parent that is my more pragmatic side, but is equally important for my shared meaning that I hope to have).  Life is like rushing water, but your partner can hold your hand, be by your side, or simply look into your eyes and you know you are together.  My sense of meaning comes from the knowledge that although independent, I am not alone.
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Over and out

Wow, last night was one of the most miserable nights that I have ever had.  Honestly, it evokes a breakup hiking date that I had in 2009.  I will reproduce that here, as I want to get lighter after sleeping next to nothing last night.  Then I just want to meet someone and actually fall in love again.  That was a great lesson from her.  I finally actually fell head-over-heels completely in love and gave my heart to her.  It started hurting after the second of the year.

This morning, I was deleting drafts in my e-mail and came upon a thread that she and I had written to each other at the end of November, and she told me that she was always ready to wrap her body around mine.  I loved that!  Yesterday, during the time that we never really had a date, she finished up her chores and not only did I never get a kiss, I got pushed away when I finally hugged her after being with her over 5-hours.  It still evokes the hike breakup:

“Wow!  What a piss poor hike yesterday was.  First of all, she called me when I was lacing up my boots and sounded so sullen–much like every conversation that we’ve had on the phone after she canceled via e-mail three weeks ago.  Then, when I get up there, she gives me a hug that you’d give in greeting to a wedding guest or colleague.” (me, 2009)

Both of these women wanted a friendship with me afterward and did push and pull.  Honestly, could it be in the water?  My now true ex lives 5-miles or so from where this woman lived when we dated.  Jesus.

I went up there.  She was repairing her son’s bike and looked totally hot, but she is not all that out in public; although she has had two long-term partnerships, so I just brought stuff in and gave her space to finish up.  No, we didn’t wind up hiking or going to a movie.  With her, I don’t know why I ever made date plans, because nary a one of mine was ever honored.  The funny thing is that she suggested a picnic two weeks ago and for the last two months she said that she just wants to do “normal” stuff like see a movie.  But, hell, we didn’t wind up seeing a movie either!  I never know what she wants!  I’m wondering if she does…

Very odd, but she honestly has to feel like she is driving the bus at all times, so I let it go, but yesterday started off bad when she HeyTell’ed me and I could tell that if I didn’t pack my bike that she was going to chalk this up to my being an asshole.  I’ve been sick, so I didn’t want to bike until later in the weekend.  I just didn’t have the lung capacity.  That aggravated her as it did that I wasn’t hungry.  I wanted to hike!  She said yes to that on Tuesday, and that would have helped my appetite after being sick and not feeling hungry.  Additionally, walking is easier on the body than biking is.

She told me that we should get some mineral water and get massages.  She left, got a pedicure, and I got a massage that did move all the toxins out–I’m not at all sick today–but made some old injuries that I have very sore because the guy could not speak English and it was a clothed one.  Not my preference.  I pay for a guy who I have known 8-years for the regular kind, so this was really just moving a cold completely out and spending $70.  Of course that didn’t make me happy.  Plus, then we were an hour apart on what was supposed to be a date.

Still no contact in the car.  I touched and caressed her arms and leg, but she told me that I was negative.  I still don’t get why I should have been happy about yet another complete departure from the dating plans that I made.  I wanted to look at her across a table, as that had worked when we had fought before, so I asked her if we could go to a bar real quick and talk and that is what sent her reeling.

Last fall in both September and October, we had a glass of wine and talked and it ended nicely.  It helped us to reconnect, and is decidedly better than trying to have conversation in the house of your lover where it is not neutral territory.  Last month I had a beer in the very cool brewery that she took me to in her town, and it was fairly nice too.  We actually connected intimately the following morning too.  However, she basically said that I may not be an alcoholic, but she’d never go to a bar.  Made no sense to me, so I said that we had been to the brewery very recently and she said, “That’s why I wanted to go on the bike trail, because we would have ended there.”  I didn’t want to bike last night!  (I didn’t say that.)  She followed this comment up with, “And something else you should know about me is that I’m not a bar gal, and I’m not a hiker.”

I bought a six-pack, drank one in her kitchen and had a bizarre convo.  At least we took a nightwalk and saw the moon on the lake.  So, we walked awhile and then she said that we are just too different.  First, I wanted two different ex’es back, then I had too many close connections where I live and could never move, then we don’t have timing right, and now we are too different!  I was upset, but tired of the litany:  You are not into me, and that is fine, and I’m totally sick of push and pull.  I wanted my guitar back when we got to her house, and she said that I was creeping her out, so I didn’t touch her, got as much of my shit as I could, and left.  I emailed her when I got home because her son is always elsewhere on Friday nights (emails are quieter on her phone and don’t force her to look because her son’s caretaker only calls or texts if she needs her), but she had already texted me twice about how she loves me, but we are too different, and that she wants a friendship after space and time.  I was grateful that I had ended my email that I didn’t know that she would even get last night with this:

“So, let’s just take some real space, do our things and see if the fall brings back all the wonderful memories and the possibility for friendship.”

I will need that much time.  My falling out of love started last month when she said that she would never leave her house.  It continued.  Our last intimacy, which was incredible, was two weeks ago.  That will be the last too.  I do think that she’ll contact me this summer.  I’ll be conscientious, but I don’t want to see her until after I turn 38 (at the end of summer).  The only thing that I will do is send her a birthday card in the mail when she turns 38.  I don’t want her as a close friend, because although my group is not homogenous, we definitely have things in common and don’t lead with what is wrong with each other or how starkly different we are.  She and I aren’t that different, but we will never live together and I wanted her to be my partner, and I know that she wanted that too, but required our potential journey to be all on her terms.  I can’t do that.

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Chillax

She always says that to me when she is finally heading home and we are talking on the phone.  Admittedly, she doesn’t do it really during the week, and I know that because she doesn’t, so she tends to deeply resent our situation and sometimes me too.  I was livid the day before yesterday when we hung up because it was like talking a corpse.  Why bother?  Three-and-a-half-hours later, she HeyTell’ed and apologized and said that she didn’t have good coping skills during the week.  I said that I think that it is more that she wants someone shoulder burdens of life with her and I’m hobbled from 40-miles away, which is true.  Of course, she took that as that I want out soon.  OMG!!!

I told her that love her and I want to have some conversation about shared meaning (what we value about life), but not for a couple of months.  And, I don’t.  We should date.  We never have dated.  She is completely tanked by the weekend, so we eat and sometimes watch part of a movie on a Friday night.  We have also done some Sunday night connection time when she doesn’t have hers, but I have always had mine less two nights.  We parent and half-assed date.  Time to enjoy dammit!  I’m making a quiche tonight–where the hell does one find a picnic basket that will accommodate a pie plate–and putting together fruit and stuff.  We will hike and then I have a little entry that I decided not to blog about being outside, cooking, music and adventure.  I’m going to read it to her under the trees and then we will actually catch a movie.  We haven’t done that (just the latter) since December.

Sunday would have been hot for about an hour, but my son decided that cleaning our living room was above him and acted like a total ass.  He slammed his door on her son and got his finger stuck in it.  He was contrite, but I’m tired of his tantrums.  We have had a good week, but the expense was that he did something in a fit and hurt her boy on Sunday, so the outcome is that he is guilt-ridden and well-behaved this week.  We wound up playing in an indoor playground in a mall by my house and it was fun, and she was really understanding.  I’m grateful that she has raised two other kids and understands that sometimes kids are in foul moods and have tantrums.  Not fun though.  We would have hiked, but it was too windy so we had to switch gears.  I wasn’t expecting company so my house was too messy, but we made it work mostly.  My son did a bunch of good stuff last night and asked me to call and leave a message for the psychologist who we saw twice and will work again with this summer.  He knows what he should be doing, but is too smart sometimes and admittedly manipulative.  I would much rather co-parent him with someone.

Tricky business, that.  I haven’t known her long enough honestly.  Breaking up with her directly was the best thing that I could have done though, because she is reflecting more and certainly not leading with what’s wrong with us.  There is something wrong with everyone and most kids; although much of the latter can be due to developmental things that kids have going on for them.  Finding your common ground and seeing if you want to build something takes time.  I have to be down here for another 15-months because of school and my work contract, so we have time.  IMHO, she will have to adjust to the miles because I can’t pop over there much with the exception of summer, and it’s not impromptu or “Hey, I was thinking of you, can we have dinner together?”  She will have to adjust to being completely alone, and ultimately, that is good for her.

A friend was talking to me on the phone last night and reminded of something that I said five-years ago and had honestly completely forgotten.  When I did my final separation (We had been separated for four-months three years previous), I told my friends, “It is going to be hard to be alone, but ultimately, I know that is what I need and how I will grow.”  That year was the hardest one that I’ve had, I think.  At least it was top three for difficulty, but I learned so much about who I am.  I think that she needs to miss me, think about things, and get stronger on her two feet without the distraction of taking care of another woman or just having one around fairly easily.

So, now, onto tomorrow.  I want to have a beautifully romantic date.  I want to enjoy her turquoise eyes and laugh tons.  That’s the intention that I have for Friday.

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Empathy

I get so angry all of the time and want to play the bullshit card, but I need to work on my perspective taking.  This week was more informal than last and this one started with fantastic lovemaking and tender exchanges.  It just fades away by week’s end and drives me fucking crazy.  I want to say, “Then why did you call me and ask me if we could just be light and easy until after Memorial Day when we get to go away kid-free and afterward make some decisions?”  Light and easy to you translates into infrequent contact and really being put in a friends’ queue.  I honestly think because she thinks that she is the best friend in the world that I will want that at some point.

Redefine as friends is the ultimate bullshit anyway, is it not?  You didn’t work as partners so you’ll work as friends?  That analogy is poor.  Very poor.  Especially when one is admittedly judgmental and is the queen of unsolicited advice.  I listen to it now, because I would prefer to go to counseling and then take the plunge to live together.  If we had our “friends hats” on and she started in about my parenting, I would say, “Hey, I didn’t ask, so I really don’t want any unsolicited advice.”  She’d be smoking pissed at me, but my BFFs seem to think my son is not too bad, and that I do the best that I can.

That being said, I do know that there is a world of difference when your son has never had to share your affections and is with you and a love interest.  I was with the drunk for 11-months before I even introduced her to my son, and he had a colossal meltdown on the sidewalk of a busy street in an overstimulated state when we transitioned from a city cultural event fair that he didn’t want to leave right in front of her.  She took it as kid behavior, which it is.  You know the kind that you witness when you are childless and go, “Wow,” and either think that the parent should not have taken the child out in public or you want to disappear into a sudden chasm in the floor or earth because of how embarrassed you feel for that parent.  It’s fantastic when it happens to you!  However, she was cool about it.

There is nothing cool about the way in which my current works with my son when he melts down.  And because he knows that I love her and sees us hold hands, he gets what a six-year-old should get, and that’s jealous.  When I do settle down with a partner, he will have to adjust.  I do get that.  However, I don’t need to hear how it’s that he is a mess.  He’s not.  He is fairly well-adjusted and listens to most adults.  He just doesn’t always listen to me, but we work on it, and with a soon-to-be psychologist as a parent, he will always probably have to “talk about” it.  Tee-hee.

So, she has lost a caregiver.  I’m sure that it’s painful.  I have had lots of losses, but not that one yet.  I have also had a bizarre loss right before I started high school, so I’m different when it comes to grief.  Sublimation has made me very good at children’s grief work too.

She has the weirdest job in the world.  It does pay.  I will never make what she does.  But, the levels of stress are unreal and because of the nature of the work, she honestly cannot talk about it at all.

She has a tiny child.  Although he can walk and has begun talking, he is little and not regulated with his patterns.  I remember that, and honestly never would have dated seriously when my son was that age.  He was about 6-months older than hers is now when I had a coming out affair, but, I knew it would not be serious.  She is looking for a co-parent, but because of the last two paragraphs, that is a tricky business.

I do feel better after venting.  She pisses me off and I don’t do casual.  It will be interesting to see how family time is tomorrow.  I want a time warp to October, dammit.

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Little less rough around the edges

A friend who I shared a mental health office for a year-and-a-half told me once, “You are really loving although you are rough around the edges,” and my ex-husband said, “She’d be cool if she could tone it down a little.”  So, I just hung up with her, and I get what those two statements mean.  Maybe her purpose in my life has been to see how I really do come off and what I can do to soften even more.  She can really be tough.  It’s amazing to me that two weeks ago a friend had dinner at my house and said, “I can really see how you have changed and are much less direct.”  Again, after you date and spend many nights alone for five-years, you tend to see what you’re like.  You have to evolve.

A major difference between she and I is that if I’m meant to walk this earth alone, I don’t mind at all.  I sometimes feel that I’m trapped in the body of a 17-year-old boy in terms of my libido, but that can be remedied like I did in the summer of 2009.  I could do that.  Please know that my preference is to find a partner, but if I don’t, I will be just fine.  I always am fine.  I don’t really need anyone with the exception of my son.  I used to have stronger social needs too, and those have subsided as well.  If I have adult conversation over dinner once or twice a week, I am totally fine. Mainly because I spent the first at least five-months, if not a full year, of 2008 totally crazy, but I did get good at the solo gig.  I’m very good at it, and the derivative is that I won’t co-habitate until nuts and bolts are mostly tightened.  I don’t want bullshit day-to-day without groundrules.  Time-outs are also critical.

I do need to say that she really needs a good lay right now.  She’s pretty transparent.  I’m at home pretty sick currently so we spoke when I was heading back home from dropping my son at school and she was being kinda bitchy.  I think that both of us feel that when we do have intimacy that we tend to wanting more.  It’s only been three days, but we’d be ready and it is tender and passionate.  It was funny that on Saturday night it didn’t have that make-up sex quality.  It was intense, but loving.  We just need to take some time.  The one thing that I won’t bend on is the whole couples counseling thing.  I will walk if that is not honored.  I will ask at the end of next month or the beginning of June.  I hope that she consents.  If she doesn’t, I have to stop our sexual relationship and go back to the dating pool.

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Stairsteps

I’m nearly positive that she wants it to be over.  We had a terrible conversation yesterday.  We have our face-to-face on Friday night.  She still flies off the handle and gets really stern and short.  And, honestly, that she doesn’t think that she does the back and forth is truly bizarre to me, but I guess that there’s two sides to every story.  When I listen to her talk about her ex-partner (She has had two.), I can hear that break-up / make-up in it too.  However, I can’t do that.  I think and observe, and when it’s over, it’s over for me.  And I’m pretty sure that’s where I am too.

I know that I’ve written what I want.  What I don’t want is someone who can’t take me positively and from the point of what she wants.  Remember that line in “Beautiful Girls,” when the heroine from “Goonies” who is no longer a teenager says, “One makes a decision based on what one wants, not what one doesn’t want.”  I would stay with her if we could meet half-way twice a month and do couples counseling.  That’s it.  Otherwise, I don’t think that we are doing well enough to stay together.

Yesterday, I wanted to make love to her.  It sucked.  Physically, she is really consuming.  The thing is that when you have two or maybe even three kids in the house, that stuff becomes less frequent, because you’re really tired.  So, if you have that classic Avoidance-Attack pattern in the mix too, you would probably never have sex again.  So, we can choose at the six-month mark to work through our large problems with someone who we pay or we can bounce.

I’m at that point where the push and pull for me is more part and parcel of my grief.  I’m reasonably sure that we can’t do anything about our problems without getting an outside perspective.  I just miss her a ton and remember all the good that we had the first three-months that we were together, and I think that if she was more solid about me, we’d have more.

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Day 2

Well, last night she texted.  She told me that I was being sterile and basically forcing her into my definition of “space.”  I don’t know what else taking space and time is.  But, I did text back and told her how sad and furious I was.  Then, this morning, we actually spoke, and I read her my e-mail.  She was quiet.  She always is when I express tons of emotion and when I ask her what her reaction is she always says the same thing, “I’m listening.  I do that a lot.”  The implication is that I don’t.

So, I did leave her a VM tonight which is unacknowledged right now wishing her and her son goodnight and good sleep.  My own son is not here again and my house feels so empty.  My nanny had a conflict and I don’t have two anymore and I can’t take tomorrow off because it is required day to get paid.  My father can take him in tomorrow for me and I’m grateful to have their help.  My Mom will make him a proper breakfast that I never have time to do because I have to be in my office by 7.  Honestly, it will be good when next week comes and I have a full week of work and some space of my own back into my typical routine.

I think it’s just the assumptions that have made me so pissed.  She says that she just wants me to tell her things without asking questions, but usually what it amounts to is that she tells me how I am.  I am fairly open.  Not completely open, but it is a derivative of trusting her so fully and then having to pick of the pieces of my heart in Jan and Feb.  March helped me sort it all out myself.  I’m sorted.  I’ll be the first to admit that I’m still in love with her, but I don’t want all these conclusions about me to be drawn without simply first asking me how I feel or why I reacted the way that I did.  She thinks that she is the expert on everyone who she knows and that just isolates people.

It is interesting to me that after I told her that my e-mail was full of rage and I read it to her that my anger mostly subsided.  Then after my own real therapy session (Meaning one that I pay for.) was over, I felt pretty good.  I still miss the way that she smells and feels and our intimacy.  I don’t miss her assumptions and the way that I feel like she sees me.  Also, I am not sure that although she doesn’t want to be alone (She admitted this to me today.) that anyone will ever meet her standards or simply be good enough for her.

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Day 1

Won’t it be funny and a good therapeutic exercise to post days after being newly single?  I think so.  So, after the shitty convo I left three messages (not psycho dialing), but with HeyTell, and that’s all that I wrote.  I’m good.  I got a love letter last night.  I was at the Club.  I had a good time with my friends too.  I’m not going to respond.  Actually, I did already and some of it was really sarcastic.  I just didn’t send it.  I’m not impulsive.  I’m not going to send it either.  She and her best friend have a “pet theory” about me.  Just goes to show that when she fills in the gaps and is the expert on me that she doesn’t know anything.  Here is something that I wrote in the e-mail that I didn’t send.  I like it.

“You seem to have me all figured out.  It’s not a charitable view of me either.  I don’t approach you like this, and I’m looking for a woman who takes me for what I am.

All your love?  WTF does that mean?  If this is how you talk about your loved ones, then I really don’t get it.  I just don’t.  I’m not sure what our future holds.”

I guess that I’m in the Anger stage of grief right now.  It’s because she can be cruel.  Tori Amos says, “Don’t give me respect.  Don’t give me a piece of your preciousness.”  And it’s not.  Her terms of endearment are for everyone and she says, “I love you,” to people that she freely talks shit about.  It’s like my local BFF told me once, “Don’t ever assume that people are any different with you as they are with others you see them with.”  Got it.

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Learning to listen

So, maybe I don’t listen fully.  I think that I have been rendered so much on the defensive–honestly, it’s like warding off blows–that I’m probably just talking to deflect.  I know that I’m not a bully though.  That is complete shit.

I have this book on keys to a strong and loving marriage, and I think that I do a lot of the things in it that are good, but I obviously don’t listen enough to her.  That seems to be her strongest complaint.  That I’m selfish and don’t listen or do I respond to her needs is what she says when she is telling me why she is not sure that she wants to invest any time in it.  There are these A’s that you can follow when you have a chronically angry partner.  They are to agree, apologize, and then add.  So, it would look like this I think, “I can follow through on making sure that I have tied up loose ends that I promised this weekend.  I’m sorry that I didn’t make it a priority.  I felt like I would get around to it, but things were so shaky in January and February that I went remote.”

I think that it’s hard to listen well all the time.  However, I do want to give this a fair shot over the next two months.  I do love her.  I don’t know if we can or if she would even like to do so.  I can’t control her, but would like to see if we can rebuild our foundation and get back to what’s important, which is simply loving each other.

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I think that I’m falling out of love

On the second of this year I texted, “You should not incessantly irritate your one.”  And it’s worse than that now, because she can’t really have a single day with me when she doesn’t say what will not work for her long-term.  I can’t really do this, because one, how do you know what works and doesn’t work for you with the exception of abuse or cheating until you have learned how each other works, and two, isn’t this stage supposed to be more romantic than hard, cold facts of non-negotiation?  I’m sorry, but at the six-month mark, you don’t really have enough under your belt to know, but she knows what won’t work.  Well, I really want to save her the spiel.

So, what will I do?  Tomorrow I will check in on her when she gets the rest of this medical procedure done.  I drove her to part one tonight as an emergency basis.  Honestly, I want to say something sarcastic about that fact, but I won’t.  I’ll just say that is what a girlfriend should do for you.  You should be with her when that happens and not rely on your neighbor.  Your neighbor will never be  your partner, and I’m seriously starting to wonder if she actually wants one.  Bitching at someone constantly and concentrating on a person’s shortcomings is just sick.  Look at the good, build from there, and talk about how you want communication to look.  Focusing on what you DON’T want just makes you feel negatively toward your significant.

I’m not making any plans with her.  I’ve said that before about other girls and that scares the shit out of me, actually.  The thing is that above all, I want to be valued.  I’m not here.  I don’t need her.  I’m looking for a partner.  I’ll miss her son, but I can’t take the complaints about me all the time and then the “I love you,” texts afterward.  That is too weird and not what I’m looking for.  She may be my one, but it is like that damn Ingrid Michaelson song, because “it’s one day in the future,” and does not seem to be now.  I’m honestly fine with that too.

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We shall see

So, I have a date tonight.  It will be great to actually see her because it’s been five-days.  My psychologist said that we are just in the basket of relationship, which can get scrunched, and we have to just show up each day.  Yesterday was not a very good day.  I was exhausted having worked 7 – 4:30 and then had to rush to get food and take my son to sports.  When we got home, we were just a few minutes from his bedtime, but he was hungry again.  I read to him and got him squared away and then was chilling, and listening to music.  She said a couple of things that were nasty.  I was just tired.  “Baby, you sound exhausted,” would have been easier for me to receive than a completely unfounded accusation and telling me had it been true that she’s dump me.

That is not a goodnight.

However, being naturally pragmatic, I am keeping my date tonight and seeing if we can also see each other on Sunday as well.  I need to tell her that was a poor message to have last before I did drift off to sleep.  However, I slept great, and did get up in time to workout and even lift a little bit this morning.  My goal that I want to start this week is developing my upper body.  I have definition, but overall I’m weak and when you consider how strong my legs are, that should be more even.  More…  Balanced.

I do not feel balanced in terms of my relationship right now.  Again, I had said that I would develop a mantra a couple of weeks ago, which now I see more as a broken record.  I would like her to be my future, but I don’t know where or when.  I know that she only wants one thing, but I’m hoping that we can just enjoy.  Honestly, if it gets really caustic like it has been, that is not enjoying.

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So?

What do I do now?  I kinda wish that I had been writing two falls ago when I knew that I had a shelf life with my ex, but the analogy is so poor because I only got caught up in wanting us to work for about three-months and then I spent an inordinately long time realizing that we never would and that really she just wanted to control me by having me far, far away from everything that I knew.  This situation is totally different, because not only am I completely in love and respect her, but she doesn’t want to control me, she just wants a life for herself and her son that is predictable and that she knows.  I get that, because I want to do that too.  I also know what my life is like where I live and now with it currently getting so much warmer, and I will soon be having some time off, it means that I can be outside within seconds.

I don’t like being in the car.  In fact, I hate it.  I used to live rural when I was in school and when I had rotations for school in other towns, I would put 600-miles on my car within a week and my back would be completely compressed all night.  It’s 90-miles a day just from her house to my building.  My current route is 16 total (roundtrip).  Anyone with kids will tell you that this amount of driving also takes you away from your kids that long too.  Unfair to my son who sees me within minutes when he needs me, and also puts a brand-new dynamic on our mother-son relationship.

I called one of my good friends who I see monthly for dinner at my house.  She gets along with my son so well too and is great with kids.  She popped over and had dinner with me and we all took a walk.  She told me that if I moved because she works really far south, she could see me three times a year meeting at a mid-point.  This example is just one of many, because my friends are very busy with their lives and children, etc., so it would take really concerted effort to get together.  I wouldn’t see some of the people who pull me out of my head at intervals and who I share meals with frequently.

Then, there is the matter of my parents and my son’s Dad not being able to do much with him without careful planning.  Blood matters.  It just does, and they should be able to get to him within 20-30 minutes.  It is really picking up my whole life and moving it; although, it’s the same state.

The main difference about this move and the one I considered for a second is that she already has a gig and people with whom she feels connected, and a entire outdoor routine up there.  I have built the latter for the cold months this year, and will continue to expand my repertoire for outdoor stuff where I am.  I get a bit down when it’s cold, and that is sad, because honestly, it is never really cold here.

When I was considering moving, I realized that I could not be outside as much as I liked where my ex lived.  That really didn’t matter much to her, because she was not healthy in general.  My ex did not have a circle of friends yet where she was and was willing to try another town so we could build something.  I’m not saying that I miss the drunk, I’m just saying that we could have built some new things together in a new location for us both.

I realized that she doesn’t give up anything at all if I move.  I give up a lot.  I also am giving up tons with a woman who really does have a laundry list of complaints about me; although, I do know that she is in love with me.  I’m looking for less rigidity and some celebration of me and what I offer.  I think that we will probably have to redefine and it may be soon.  I know that she told me to take the next 6-months so I can fall in love with where she lives, but honestly, in addition to liking how close everything is where I live and all of the opportunities that I have to expose my son to such as diversity, classes, and other learning opportunities without the commute, I also don’t want to be in my car 90-miles a day for half the year and miss my friends all the time.  It’s a recipe for later resentment for a woman who really doesn’t want to shake things up for herself.  She knows what she wants.  I feel like an add-on again, and I definitely felt that two-years ago.  I want a girl to choose me and build something that WE decide.

Honestly, I can’t really exit until it is inevitable, because I love our intimacy.  Obviously, I don’t have any band width to date because it’s like entering into something with a cheater.  I think of her all of the time.  I guess she was right to lead with us having an expiry date, and the aftermath of what our redefinition will look like is going to be painful.  I’m not anxious for it to start, honestly.

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She told me she will never move

So, I was floored.  I got mean.  I apologized.  I want to hold that she didn’t come at me from a place of love, but at first that we had a shelf life, which colored the whole conversation and fucking crushed me.  I think at this age that you don’t fit neatly into a woman’s life.  It’s also complicated when you are blending kids that you birthed independent of one another and have dreams for them.

I want:

1. Someone to build a life WITH me and being willing to make compromises

2. Sexy

3. Smart

4. Funny

5. Sees good in me

6. Adaptable and balanced with her approach to things

I’m going to ask if I can come to her on Friday and play with her son on Saturday this weekend.  I’m actually going to do it right now.  I am not as raw as I was that she didn’t approach me from a place of love now, because love for her bike and lake is greater because it’s longer-term.  That is actually a good analogy for most things.

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I can feel her

Oh, my girl and I have had some nice exchanges, messages, and direct conversation this week!  It’s amazing to be this connected to a woman and that is brand new for me.  I’m no stranger to when I’m dating someone to watching my phone and being encouraged when she calls or texts, but with her, I can sense her and we have synchronistic channellings of each other.  It’s odd to be with a girl who you are so much alike and sometimes that makes the sparks fly when we disagree or just have a different timing or less intense reaction.  It’s completely bizarre for me to be with a girl more intense than me too.

Again, I used to be like her.  Friends called me a hothead and now I’m more into waiting and then engaging when I feel solid and know what I’m going to say.  I have cultivated a lot of patience and it serves my son and I well.  I’m also patient with her.  She gets down because I forget some things or repeat something that I’ve said.  Like I’ve held for a long time, she has high standards.  I know that my standards were not lowered, it was just that I had resigned myself to thinking that it was not in my path to have a partner.  Now, I’ve revised my list.  Revisions occur because I’ve found my partner.

1. I want someone who is willing to gamble and shake it up with me.

2. #1. Includes building a life with me in a place that is new for both of us.

3. Making new paths together and valuing the close ones who matter.

4. Listening fully and openly to concerns that I have.

5. Realizing that I’m the one who she wants.

These are the intentions that I’ve been putting out for a week solid.  They have resulted in some good interchanges coming to fruition.  We are really on the same page right now.  I don’t want her to think about the future per se, but just love time with me and be open to us as a possibility.  We are honestly building our future currently.  The only thing I think that I need to practice now is saying, “Shh…  Let’s be still and enjoy.  There is now, and we are each other’s future.  Let’s work that out in the fall when our calendar has completely turned together.”  I’m feeling a new energy, and dammit, I LIKE it.

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What a difference a day makes

And a night.  Amen.  I want this venture to work.  I know that now that I’m older and certainly wiser that I’m ready to get married.  I want to build a whole life out of choices and experience mystery and that unfolding that only comes when someone ignites everything inside of you.  When she talks about things, I get hot.  When she looks into my eyes, I meet her gaze and feel heat rising to my face.  When she kisses me, it burns into me.

I have no idea why I told her…  Again, I’m sometimes like Homer Simpson, but I have burned out on kissing everyone.  There was this time period wherein I actually stopped kissing my ex, and then when she would kiss me, I’d stop.  We didn’t even enjoy each other when we were intimate and got sort of a business like approach to it when we did have sex.  Very odd.  There is nothing business-like with my girl.  She fucking slays me.

How does one keep it going?  How do you build trust and how does she know that you are really that boring?  You don’t do anything that is odd or not part of what you mean.  You just want only her and know that if she would let down her guard–not worry, never second-guess, and just take a total leap of faith that you’d do anything for her and her son?

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A little bit of flexibility

So, Friday we spent the night together and it was good to talk and connect.  We were both exhausted, and again, I think that as we are both mothers, Friday nights can be kinda like collapse time rather than anything hot and probably always will have that flavor if we decide to make the plunge.  If we do, I would hold firm that she and I pick something…  Together.  I don’t think that it’s equitable to move into somebody’s house where they have memories from previous stuff and I don’t think that either of us moving into the other’s house makes sense.  She has held firm that my area is NOT an option.  Although I do love it here, and have spent 30-years total in this city, I have some bad memories. I would be willing to move.  Not into anybody’s house.

Let’s go back to the drunk.  She wanted my son and I not only to move 6-states away, but she also wanted us to move into her parent’s house!  Not that they were there yet, but who the fuck wants to live in somebody else’s house?  How is that making dreams and decisions together?!?  And that’s what I’m looking for.  I’m looking for someone to make some decisions WITH me.

The town of compromise actually has some good schools in it too.  Ethnic and cultural diversity is important for me as well, and it’s a stone’s throw away from a great little city.  As long as we could financially make it make sense, I would be down for a move in about two-years.  I could easily give up my house and I would like it if we could make some new friends and connections together.  When you are this age, you don’t always fit into your partner’s friends circle easily.  I think that my friends in general are accepting and just glad that I’m in love for real with someone, and I’ll always see them.

So tonight is actually a date-date.  Which is good.  I need some intimacy and connection in that realm.  It’s odd that I put such a high premium on it, but I do.  With her, it’s so incredible too and has it’s own set of emotions that are tied to it.  You can honestly feel love expressed physically, and I thought that stuff was bullshit until now.  Truly.

Well, it’s not.  She is who I want to build a life with in the future.  I want us to raise our boys and have at least one more kid, but do that together.  Closely aligned with that is that I want us to do everything together, which includes working on the nuts and both conjointly of cohabitation.  I love her.

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I just don’t know

Pause, pause, pause.  I don’t think that I’ve done that badly. I think that most of my entries are about what an asshole I am.  I’m not that bad.  I drive in traffic and have exclusively since December and my schedule is tight, but I don’t think that makes me a bad person.  There are some things that you don’t want in a gf.  The reason that I know is because I have done A LOT of dating. I keep thinking that is probably a good thing for every woman to do.

I’m telling you if we don’t see each other this weekend that I will probably have a lot of trouble continuing.  I don’t feel particularly acknowledged for what I do, but I do know a laundry list of things that are my shortcomings.  That is super imbalanced for me and not the way in which I aspire to live my life.  I will give her this card and the personal present that I designed though no matter if I just drop it off or not.  I do love her.

She has TONS of complaints about me.  That’s actually intriguing to me, which is a little sick, I suppose.  I haven’t been with anyone who was bothered by anything about me less my intensity and abrasiveness.  It makes me think that some of my shortcomings are unique to our union and I always come back to how similar we are.  I have said this to my psychologist, and I will say it again, I think that her level of criticalness is much like how I used to be.  I’m just different now and much of it stems from being completely alone and dating.  I’m strong on my own too, so I don’t need to tell others anything about themselves.  What’s problematic for me is the lack of gratitude for the fact that I’m trying harder than I ever have and that it still doesn’t seem to be enough.  I won’t be enough.  I’m terribly imperfect and don’t apologize for it.  Everyone has drawbacks.

There are some things that I don’t think that she’d compromise on anyway.  My son and I don’t fit simply into the life that she has either.  It’s not really just my friends down here; although, they are my family, but it’s my lifestyle.  I have tons of schools to choose from and literally live on a bike trail.  I don’t have to use my car much in two months, and won’t except when I’m climbing in the summer after my son learns to ride.  I try to live greenly too and the commute kinda makes me feel badly–it’s a lot of gas and emissions.  We don’t live close together.

This is a completely new tone for me and it’s impersonal. I think it stems from some resentment from not being acknowledged and being told that I’m something that I’m not.  I follow a schedule and I think that all women in our age group do, so that’s not being self-involved.  I don’t want shit pinned on me.  Damn, I am hurt.  I’m not sure what I’ll decide this weekend.

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Made it through a beginning of the month weekend

The moon is nearly full, is it not?  It was tenuous all weekend and then as usual, something that I said, which followed logically for me was inflammatory for her yesterday.  Shit, just after she had just called me “honey” too.  I think she gets what I was saying now, but it’s so weird to piss off your gf all the time and have to explain yourself.  Part of this is my fault, because the peeps who I hang out with have known me four-years at a minimum.  They get me.  I’m in your face, and totally WYSIWYG.  The thing is that I’m a good person and a nurturer.  I’m not used to be challenged at the character level.  I have a good soul and would do anything for my friends.

So, it still feels like I barely dodged yet another break-up.  It’s a shitty pattern.  I don’t feel safe at all.  It’s the way things are with a woman who has to look for loopholes for a living though, so it’s probably my lot until she trusts me.

I want to be with her this weekend.  I miss the way that she smells and feels.  Friday can’t come soon enough for me and I can’t wait to connect to her.  I love her.

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Maintaining

So, I have completely lost it before after a break-up, but that was well over four-years ago.  If that’s what this hand holds, I won’t go off the deep end and will instead reach out to friends and get things done.  Forward motion is best.  One of my good friends relocated to the East Coast a few years ago because her husband is completing his residency and I was talking to her several weeks ago right after my gf had broken up with me a second time, and she said, “Don’t you get it?  She’s testing to see if you will leave her.”  I was baffled because I won’t.  I’m here, and I have never said anything else aloud or held in my heart that she’s who I want to be with.  Another friend of mine with whom I work said, “You know that she is going to break-up with you again, so all you can do is change your reaction to it.”  I guess that I need to change my reaction to that I have not heard, “I love you,” in five days too, because I do love myself, so I should assume that she loves me too.

I had an appointment with my Psychologist last night and talked through all of it and she said, “She has been through so much and continues to go through more, so what you can do is stay balanced.”  I said, “I don’t want to get broken up with because I can’t do it again!”  She said, “Why?  What will happen if she tells you that she doesn’t want to be with you anymore.  You have a lot of evidence and you believe also that she wants to be with you, so why can you not ‘do it’?”  And I really had to ponder that one, honestly.  Why does it matter if I get a cold e-mail or text today?  I can just call her and say, “I don’t want to write or talk about this stuff right now.  Let’s take a week because you have had probably the worse week of your life, and then let’s talk face to face.”  I need to maintain my sense of balance and not get thrown off.  I don’t like being there.  I want to stay with what I want and be stronger than I ever have been.

I guess my other entries were pretty rigid.  I had this sense of what I will and won’t put up with or something.  I want to build a life with her.  She is amazing.  She may be on the fence about me, but I’m certainly not about her, and honestly, my maintaining what is the truth for me is all that I can honor.

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Need for me

I know that I need to write today, and I knew that before she left me her message.  She will begin a cycle of grief.  I think that is completely personal.  So, I’m going to write what I know right now.

I love her.  I want to build a life with her.  She is like no one.  She has the highest standards of anyone who I’ve ever met.  I’m not easily intimidated.  I’m so good on my own too, so we will see what our future holds as some more time passes.  I know that if she breaks up with me for good that I’ll be just fine and will keep on doing what I do.

I was a bizarre shell of a human being for a year and still exhibited some questionable behaviors afterward after I finally came out.  Why didn’t I come out sooner?  The funny thing is how big of a lesbian I am.  I would say that in terms of femininity, I am pretty middle-of-the-road, and certainly men look at me and the ballsy ones will approach me and hit on me, but it’s pretty rare that I have to come out to anyone.  The quintessential Tomboy, and very much into playing hard, laughing and being physical are part and parcel of who I am at my core.  When kids from high school found out that at 23 I had married, the common reply was, “______, is married?  To a man?”  I stayed in that marriage for nine years too, which was baffling given how little we had in common and our playmate role even had fallen away after about 5-years of knowing each other.  This fall I have known him 18-years.  He’s ok, but doesn’t have any goals so I sometimes I have trouble respecting his decisions.  I have not missed living with him for what will be five full years this fall.  That’s the thing, I’m loyal and want what’s best for others…  Historically…

We had started working through this relationship and couple’s text and some of the preliminary chapters combined with my blogging and my own therapy has lead me to know that part of me has fallen away.  I’m only still loyal.  Now, I want what is best for me and my son.  I broke up with my with ex because she was a drunk and a control freak.  I don’t think that she ever loved me.  The woman who I had my coming out affair with didn’t ever really love me either.  I know, too, that my ex-husband never loved me either, but was young and interested in propriety and doing right by his family.  I get that.  We have some similar values.

Now, I want what’s best for me and my son.  The stupid dating shit that I’ve done isn’t good for either of us, and yields my feeling empty.  I like how circumspect I have become based on my lessons yielded from dating hell.  I’m a lesbian version of a “Sex in the City” character, seriously.  I’m just not an empty sex afficionada, so I can’t be Shane.  Of course, I have had sex most months for two years, so that’s probably easier for me to say, but I would prefer not to have another FB.  Those kinds of unions do not yield a relationship.  Even if I try, those kind of girls that you start out just doing are not the ones who I want to settle down with because I’m pretty concrete.  If I get together with you because I want to have sex, that’s what I want.  If something organically develops, it still probably was based in lust and not in being compatible.  I’m looking for settling down with someone and growing together, or I’ll just have sex occasionally and do my thing.  I’m an independent and strong woman and won’t settle.  Not even a little.

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Ready for whatever my path unfolds

Who knows?  I don’t.  She is going through a horrible time.  Simply awful.  I can just show up for her and her son, and be who I am.  Even if that person is one who is defensive and wonders about how likely it is that I’m going to get some concrete or for sure stuff so that I can feel safe, or if I can continue on this path with a woman who is like no other.  I don’t know a person at all like her and I have tons of friends and work with the public.  She is unique and awe-inspiring.

I spent most of this weekend with her.  I’m tired, but feel pretty good on the whole.  I just wish that we had some time just with us, but with both of us being mothers, that will always be few and far between.  I think that I could have supported her more if we hadn’t been parenting her boy–who I simply adore–all weekend, but I think that at times of crisis, that kids are a very good distraction.  He is a sweet, funny, and a cheerful little guy.  They help.  I can remember playing with Hot Wheels and Matchbox cars with my son when I was on autopilot for about 7-months when I had just come out and finally moved my heart and mind away from my coming out affair.  The latter is difficult.  I was really messed for some time.  Then with lots of dating, I really weeded out what I don’t want.

I don’t see drawbacks with her.  I do think that she is more sensitive than I, so I have to watch how I react and ensure that I’m doing what is asked, but I’m not sensitive, so we don’t always see situations the same.  Frankly, I’ve had enough relationship experience to know that she is hard to find.  She is sexy, an incredible dancer, smart, funny, quick, athletic, and has the best body and eyes that I’ve ever seen.  I want to be with her and build our life.  That does not waver.  She is the one who I can see being with for the long haul and raising our complete family.

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Finally

I can’t believe it is finally back to where it needs to be.  Of course there is never going to be an erasure, but at least she knows that she needs to work on some things.  I am continuing.  I’m here.  I’m in love with her and believe that she is my one, but I’ve come to the cold, hard fact that you may not be able to be with your one in some lifetimes.  I had a reading in 2008 and I’m supposed to be just starting to come into my own as of October of the year before last.  I certainly knew in that month that I was never going to move, so I do believe it.  This October I was on top of the world in love and sure that we would build a life together.  She changed after Thanksgiving.  I have not.

She said that she wants to have more fun with me and be in the moment.  There is no other place that we can be because of the infrequent times that we can actually see each other.  It’s rare.  We had a nice time after the kids got calmed down on Tuesday and her Mom was there too, and I will get a date on Sunday, which will be nice.  I’m very much looking forward to this extended weekend in general.

I can hear my tone.  I’m cautious, and I didn’t ever have any caution with her and now it’s here.  It can make me matter-of-fact, but maybe by my being aware of my trepidation, I can instead make space for it, and then I can just be me and that girl is fun and caring.  I can do that.  I probably need a mantra.  I continue to say what my therapist says and that’s “You can’t bend the river.”  I know that it flows and you don’t stop it.  I want to get back into fun and never be without passion.

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Perhaps it is karmic retribution

I had to laugh a bit, because I remember in a Simpson video game that I played before I had my son, in which Homer would scream, “Damn you Karmic retribution!”  I have to find some humor in this situation, which really could be derivative of all the vagary that my ex and I went through last spring that ultimately ended in the summer.  I would try to have the “you are not right for me and what I want,” convos but she would FREAK out on me.  She also had problems with alcohol abuse, so it made these types of ending discussions that much worse.  We had some trips planned, so we just saw them out.  I was done, but did fly one last time because I figured given I had spent a couple of years with her, so I owed her F2F for that final convo.  That was a scary few nights, but it is all good.

Things have been off for some time, but then we would have good times in between, so I’m wondering, and it begs the question really, is this what I did?  The main difference is with the exception of saying some things that have been hurtful on about four occasions, I have been very good to her.  My ex was a drunk and volatile and not good about keeping in touch with me.  There were many week periods that we didn’t even talk on the phone, and we were distance!  She was not the most conscientious.  I may be an asshole and somewhat insensitive at times, but I’m a nurturer to a fault and I’ve done lots of ground work for this relationship.  That’s the difference.

There are other parallels too.  I re-read the Dear John we have no foundation letter that I wrote to my ex in September of 2010.  I told her that because we started the way that we did, and she had no space between the other girl who she was always with while with me, prior to moving and then wanting to just go exclusive with me, that we really had no future.  My one tells me that when I sent the slow-it-down e-mail that I permanently hurt who we could be.  I get that.  Although, I never believed that my ex was my one, and in fact, I didn’t believe in a one UNTIL now.  With my ex, I do remember always thinking that we could never be serious because we were non-exclusive FBs who met in a bar.  Seriously.  That’s not a foundation.  So, if I screwed up our foundation, perhaps it is like the Justin Timberlake song.

My best friend said “Nothing is that simple. Especially karma.  Give her time and space.”  I will, but I can’t see her alone too much because I want to rip out my soul.  It kills me.  I want to take her into my arms, kiss her neck, and take off her clothes.  When someone is overwhelmed with everything that is the last thing that she wants.  So, I can hang and have family time, but I have to preserve me.

I think that this entry probably sounds whiny.  Or that I somehow expect my path to be easy and what I’m entitled to.  I don’t believe that deserve has much to do with it, but again, she is all I want and I can’t imagine anyone else touching me.

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Waiting

I knew it was inevitable, but I figured that I had until the end of March.  I have been completely off with regard to the timing of things.  I get what that means!  I have made some predictions based on patterns of behavior, but I have noted that people who I know or know through others have been accelerated in terms of decisions that are made or courses of action.  We live in this fast-paced world wherein everyone responds with fervor and tying things up as fast as they can.  Over the years, and in my last pseudo relationship, I learned that slowing down has its benefits as does delaying gratification and waiting to respond.  I can’t believe that I have actually learned that lesson and can apply it myself.  This epiphany is especially unbelievable when I watch my son.

He gets so pissed all the time when things don’t respond as quickly as he’d like them to, or when they take time to develop.  I know that I used to feel that way, but I just don’t now.  Five-years waiting for a true connection yields patience as does raising a kid like mine who is intense and lacks coping skills.  The latter, I never had.  I coped with things that I shouldn’t have and have done so amazing well.  But, I was never even remotely patient and just expected things to work.  Sometimes they don’t, and other times, they do with the passage of time.  You just don’t know and you have to trust, like my psychologist says, “That you can’t bend the river.”

What will I do?  Write a book.  Literally.  Done with coursework does not mean done with a doctoral degree.  I’ll also do what I’ve done for going on five-years, and that is be good to my parents and friends, and parent my son.

What will she do?  Probably tell me her perspective.  Think that she has mine figured out.  Miss the way that we connect on every level.  Maybe give me a chance.