Tag Archives: Learning

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Plague of insomnia

I have been with a headache for days and I think that it’s attributable to the fires.  I hate summer fires.  I took one of the evil meds, which seemed to work for sometime, but then got me all fatigued and tired, so I went to bed early.  I should be writing a report, and I may do that after I blog.  I just can’t sleep though.

Scrubs is something else.  I ran next to her–I was supposed to show her some weight forms at her athletic club–and we talked.  So, she has this ex who she really wants to settle down and make a life with, and I’ve seen pictures of her and she’s hot.  Also, superficially they seem to make sense.  She still does stuff with her, but has been put in the “undefined” queue a few months ago.  (I promise myself to tell a girl to fuck off if she ever says that bullshit to me again.)  It’s obvious how much she likes her though, but she has been going out on all kinds of dates with all kinds of people, and recently had a nice one with a man.  I told her, and I mean this, “If you can do that, it’s infinitely simpler, more conventional, and easier on the whole for others to ‘take.'”

When we went upstairs to the free weights, I did show her the forms, but she was interrupting me and talking and commenting.  Maybe it’s because she had to watch because it’s not good to do cardio on days that you lift, so I was simply illustrating the forms, but she was getting on my nerves.  I told her that she was a pain-in-the-ass.  She had talked to this girl before we started.  I’ve seen this girl out over the past few years.  After I ran through what this day of weights looked like, she talked to her at length again. When we got to the car later, she told me that she and that girl had a fling last summer.  I quickly did the math.  WTF?!?  I asked, “How does that work out?  I met your other fling on my bday trip in early fall…”  Then I realized that in addition to now-undefined girl, and trip girl, she was also doing gym girl.  AMAZING.  She can keep track of a lot, and seems to be a very good juggler.

Then I noticed her thin upper lip.  How she is wrinkling around her eyes very heavily, and that her teeth are pretty big and fairly crooked.  I guess I know what I’m doing with Scrubs…  I’m making a new friend who I can hang out with when I don’t have much to do.  She is TROUBLE.  When you see trouble, your brain makes her less attractive.  Thank you self-protection.

Then there are the entourage of the heavy drinking and sometimes fighting girls.  I’ll see one of them at the end of next week for stuff in my house.  That’s about all I want to do with them.  I don’t want a friendship with any of them, and when you are fighting with your partner and that gets pinned on me, and I didn’t KNOW you two weeks ago, I think, “It’s time for twelve steps.”

Everyone is doing the very best with what they’ve got.  It amazes me that what many do have is a path to destroy themselves and create pain.  I think that years ago, I would have tried to support these people in their internal struggles.  But, that’s the thing… Their choices are theirs, and they get what they need from making them.  However, I don’t have to get entangled in their choices with them by sleeping with any of them.  I think the clinical term is joining.  I don’t need to do that.  I’m holding out for true connection, excellent conversation, and health.

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Much improved

Monday pretty much sucked.  I also had a potassium fall and my left bicep was twitching all to hell.  I just have determined that no one should be electrocuted.  Very glad that I finished the event on Saturday night, but won’t do it again.  I like our little local 5-mile adventure race, and now that I know what to expect, I want to get a good time on that one next year.  No electric shocks and not running up blacks (ski hill) = more manageable.

Tuesday I actually even got a little work done.  Had some need to text Bette because I finished that race well.  So, now I’m going to have to write two more reports and then go to the art supply store for work tonight.  Wish that I would have slept more, but not really complaining.

I’m in my 4th month of continuing not to date.  I have been completely celibate for six-months as of Saturday when I did the race challenge.  I think that NOT dating takes up less energy and when you have a little flirtation mixed with possibility for fun hang outs.  It yields that you don’t have very much expectation.  I took a walk with my cycling partner yesterday, and I told her that I have no idea what Scrubs and I are doing.  I also reiterated to her that she needs to find out what she’s doing with her ex before I would even consider kissing her.  I am teaching her how to complete my Day A weights on Thursday.  I look forward to hugging her.

Lez Children must be avoided.  Pride Sunday was really strange and I told my workout partner that I felt like I was in a throwback to five-years ago when I was newly out.  I just don’t do well drinking all day, and it frankly reminds me of my relationship with Shane as well.  Not enough goals and things that make you happy, imho, if you prefer to pound alcohol the ENTIRE day.

I haven’t had a summit yet.  I would like to get one of those one.  I think that I want to plan a climb on July 3rd.  I’m not even sure which one yet.  I’ve only done eleven and think that if I can fine jumping off platforms, I can increase exposure.

I have only Bette to thank for this level of fitness, so I did so.  Then she said that she wanted to send me pictures of her race, and I said no thanks.  She sent me some school stuff from her son.  I do miss him.  He is a cool kid.

Pre-screening is the only thing that I will do while I am NOT dating.  I don’t want to get involved with a woman in anyway that’s physical unless I really know her.  Then you can ignore things under the pretense of “getting to know you,” because you are already getting o’s and all the dopamine.  No more of that for me.  It may mean that I’m single for a year or two, and that is just fine by me.  I don’t want to gamble or be an ex collector.

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Anticlimatic

I remember graduating from college, finishing my first fully empirical research in 2000–which I presented in 2001 as a paper–and giving a seminar that I wrote to all special providers who do not conduct intelligence testing, and I feeling like, “What next?”  I think that when you do complete something which involves lots of steps and preparation, at the end of it, you do rather wonder what it meant and why it is, indeed, done.

I dove under barrels in a five-foot deep muddy water pit and hoped that I had cleared them so I could dive under the next one when I was in freezing water.  I was electrocuted and felt one shock run down the length of my left side to my foot.  I ran up a halfpipe that was greased and caught the hands of two men who I don’t know, and being so dense (hehe), they had to get their buddy in the middle to pull me up.  The “race” wasn’t actually about time, but it was more about finishing something completely stupid to say that I had done so.  I looked like a cutter at the party and the bar last night.  I’m covered in weird lacerations and am bruised everywhere.

The funny thing is, at this point, I am just really proud that I did it.  We have a 10K, and what I would like to do most is get my finishing time reigned in to be a good time.  Again, I will just be setting new goals.  When you have your health, and you stay fit and vital, your “endings” are really more guideposts for your next “first.”  I don’t want to stop running, but I will only do so once or twice a week.  When I race, I want optimal performance for me that won’t be compared to anyone, but me.  I don’t feel anticlimatic about anything related to the race or my future events.

I’m going to end this entry talking about Pride.  Again, I had wonderful conversations with people out and about, but didn’t get to talk to the one very hot girl who was with a couple of her friends.  Definitely my physical type, but probably very young and maybe bi or just newly out.  No problem.  The pool party, however, was a MAJOR problem.  Those girls have a relationship characterized by fighting, and they basically sit and drink all day–and then one goes into their bedroom and sleeps.  Not my thing.  I don’t want a girl like that or do I want to be around anyone (even friends) who thinks fun is drinking all day.

Being outside, connecting to my friends, learning new physical activities, and being me is what I want to do.  I’m feeling solid this summer and love where I am.  Nothing is particularly shifted, but that yields balance.

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“Battle Scars”

Such an incredible video. I love these lyrics too.

Today, it is way less about ending a bad relationship for me. This post is more derivative of the cuts, bruises, swelling, and lacerations that are all over my body after my crazy race challenge yesterday. Here is to being able to walk around Pride!

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Would be nice

I’m at a bad point with my celibacy.  I guess that at this stage of my life, I don’t do well at the 6-month mark.  Scrubs was supposed to call me this morning, and I guess that she’s not.  But it’s not like she is in a place to aid my celibacy, because she is still in love with her ex; although, she thinks that she can hang out with her with the understanding that she can do so carefully and try to avoid getting hurt.  That is a tall order.  But, speaking of length, that would not be a situation that I would want to touch with a ten-foot pole.

I dreamt about Bette last night.  It was blended with one of my best friends, because the setting was a dog rescue that was going to be partially a source for a documentary.  (One of my best friends is an animal activist and therapy dog trainer.)  We were working together with two of the dogs.  Awhile later, she kissed me and it felt really good, and while we kept kissing, I took off her clothes.  I can remember the way that everything felt.  It is actually funny the level of detail that I can remember about being with her, and I don’t have a charge anymore while I sit here and type, but it was very nice in the dream.  That portion of the dream ended when owners of the dogs who were there to show parts of the rescue had come to get their animals.  We had to quickly get dressed, but were both flushed, so it was easy to tell what had been going on.

Last night after most of a Day B–I didn’t finish because my partner had gotten there way before me and I want to have all of my energy for tomorrow–we made some dinner.  We stayed up very late last night laughing and talking.  It was so much fun.

I cannot believe that we ate an entire quiche lorraine last night

I cannot believe that we ate an entire quiche lorraine last night

I told her that when Scrubs was ready, that I would just fine with being her rebound sex, because I just would really like some sex.  I told her that I could say, “I know that we are not meant to be in a relationship together, but if you need some distance between your ex, I’m fine with giving you some intimate attention.”  I kept writing about and thinking that she just doesn’t seem consistent.  She resurfaces every once and awhile and this is really the only time that she has said that she was going to call and didn’t.  She knows that 5 is my typical start time too.  It could be that she got called in earlier or something, but I tend to think that she just forgot.  I’m sure that when you are trying to navigate things with your ex, you get kinda inconsistent.  I know that I did.  But, there is something else about her that I don’t understand, but gives me pause.  We shall see as we hang out.

I really don’t want to do anything with the Designer and her Partner.  That has layers of stuff that I would rather avoid.  I do wonder what their friends are like though.  Honestly, if it’s not an interesting time, with all the happenings this weekend, I will probably leave and go downtown and kick around.  I just need to get out and do things.  It’s not that I need to take some girl home, it’s that I would like to have some options of getting to know you stuff at some point.  Perhaps it is not meant to be very soon, and I’m honestly fine with that.

When I met Shane, we had that chemical attraction and then had the most stimulating conversation about digital diploma mills and technology’s effect on relationships.  It was an incredible conversation, and I still can’t believe that it happened in a bar.  I had one mission that night, which incidentally was four-years ago in five days, and that was that I wanted to have sex, so I took her to the train station and then we made out.  I said, “Do you really have to go home, ” and she said, “No, I can do something else,” and I said, “Like come to my house?”

But past does not necessarily have to be prelude.  Let’s say that I sleep with a woman on Sunday…  I think that I have dated enough to sleep with a different kind of girl than my last two super controlling gfs.  That is not the order of operations that I wanted to follow per se, because I do know what sleeping with girls who I don’t know has yielded.  But, if I apply the same logic to my being single, I do have to realize that there are probably some women who are single who have been so for some time out and about, and with this weekend being Pride weekend, they may be out in droves.

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Meanwhile…

Back at the drapery store or ranch…  My workout partner and I went to run today, and there was a class for seniors going on in the weight room until 10:30.  We took a small walk outside and dodged running sprinklers as best as we could.  When we got home, she wasn’t hungry, but I was so I ate about six-servings of the quinoa salad that I had made with roasted asparagus and Italian green olives.  It was a little gross and I will definitely need to run later, but not until after the plumber fixes (hopefully) my floor drain issue.

Our dog had shredded our sun shades in the livingroom several months ago, and the assembly was a nightmare to get taken down, but my intern and my workout partner helped me.  Then I took the cushion whose top has become sun faded and the blind to the drapery store.  This turn is where the mundane gets interesting.

I was asking the guy sitting at the counter in the drapery store how my blinds could be fixed and he told me flatly, “They can’t.”  Nice social skills, pal.  I decided to talk to a white dog playing in the store instead of him, and the woman who I believe owns this store came to help me.  I believe that this was the same woman who had helped me when I recovered my favorite recliner.  She said that I wouldn’t want the old rails on it anyway, so why didn’t I just match the blinds as best as I could.  So, I started working with her instead.

Next this girl probably in her late twenties came into the store.  She was wearing a pink stripped button-down and jeans.  She was a cute, young blond with her hair up.  She decided to strike up a conversation with me, and wound up also helping me see if there was fabric that could be ordered to recover my chair cushion.

We talked about her dog and I showed her a picture of ours who had ruined the blind in question.  She talked about her bull terrier who was throwing her red ball and then retrieving it when it rolled away from her.  She liked my dog, and made pleasantries with me.  I thought that she was kinda looking at my legs, but figured it was because I looked like total shit in running shorts, a sports bra, and a stretched out tank from 1998.  Then she started talking to me about her ex gf.  Interesting.  Then about her current partner and raising this dog who is pretty anxious given that she was abandoned by her ex.  Finally, when I was leaving, she gave me a business card with her personal cell on it.  We have been texting.  Apparently, I’m going to a pool party and she has some “friends” for me Pride Sunday.  Could be an interesting weekend.

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Hang Time

We had an extremely busy weekend.  I did my last Boot Camp with my boss and also my workout partner before our crazy, dangerous obstacle half, and then went straightaway to a bday party for a girl in my son’s Hip Hop class, after that was pictures for recital and then we headed home.  My basement had flooded the night before so I cleaned it up, and then when I showered (Good Lord, did I need it.), I flooded it again.  I hope that it’s just the main sewer line that needs to be jetted.  I don’t have nine-grand laying around for a new sewer line.  Please!

Today after church I cooked a little and then packed it up and took it to a very busy park.  We picnicked, played frisbee, took two walks with our pup, and a hot mother played with my son and showed him how to throw and catch a football.  Str8 or not, she was really fun to talk to and had a great ass.  My friend who met us said, “Sad to see you go, but very fun to watch you walk away.”  Hahahaha!  It was cool, because my son was super snotty and moody and she heard him, and then said, “Sometimes I wonder why the alpha male woke up in the morning?”  I laughed and told her thanks and then when I came back, she had her son, who was probably five-years older than mine, ask him to play.  She and her brother-in-law played catch with him and taught him stuff.  I gave her a couple of cans of the craft beer that we were drinking.  She was appreciative, but perhaps not as appreciative as I was given that she played with my son a bit, and I could talk to my friend.  It’s so funny because the sermon today was on generosity and noticing it in others.  I noticed it.  She was a very compassionate and caring Mom.  Hot was just a bonus.

I’m pretty damn happy.  My friend had to move in because her girl and she are not quite ready to take the shack up plunge.  I think that I want to clean out my office and get another roommate.  When I have to start paying off this doc, I don’t want to have much debt.  With us making less every year at work, and health insurance for my son and I tripling, my debt sucks.  And when I do my post-doc, I’ll have to make nothing.  So, I think that I want to live with peeps for awhile.  It would be good for me, and perhaps for my son.  I’m going to put out the good roomie finder juju.  Just hanging out and doing things that float my boat.

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Remember

I went out last night and bullshitted with the bartenders and talked to one girl at length.  She was super butch, but funny and smart.  I enjoyed myself, went to the car with a spring in my step, and talked to my workout partner and then slept like a baby.  I have a job interview in just over an hour, so I need to pop in the car and then head up there.  One of the bartenders knew where I was interviewing, because his father used to work there.  I don’t subscribe to or endorse coincidences, so I thought that was cool.

There was a time a few short years ago when I’d leave the lesbo bar and would feel so badly.  I hated the way that I felt.  I believe now that most of it was because I thought that I should be with someone.  The thing is that I met Shane in a bar four-years ago on June 19th, and that yielded a summer of fun and then all kinds of weirdness after she fell in love with me, and I convinced myself that I should make something work.  Why make something work?  Those efforts are for 3-5 years down the road when stuff hits and you have to navigate it.

For argument’s sake let’s say that there was a super fit, light-eyed girl who was single who sat with me last night and we chatted.  We can go farther and say that she got my number.  I’d still be who I am now.  It would have been exciting and interesting, but I’d have figured that perhaps she was pissed at her girlfriend and went to the bar to make her jealous.  I also would have told her that we should meet for a bike ride sometime in the the next month.

Bette was so important to me for close to a year.  When she started her stuff of breaking up with me, and then really needing to sleep with me, and then engaging in fights with me, and then calling me or showing up to make plans for sex, I just kinda let my heart die.  That’s not the kind of love that I want.  It sounds a lot more like a relationship sponsored by the sensationalist and fear-based media in which anxiety prays on what I would lose without her, or how alone I would be if we didn’t talk.  I’m alone.  No one texts or pursues me.  I’m fine.  In fact, I know that girls who I know don’t contact me because they are not the right girl for me, or am I for them.

It’s good to come home and talk to a dear friend and go to sleep.  This friend of mine only gives advice when I ask, and we know many deep, dark secrets about each other.  I would never let those go in one direction.  I don’t fire questions at someone to get data, so I have a way to keep them needing me.  There is a genuine, open, and honest experience with others.  It’s authentic. That’s the path that I walk.

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Begging to be told

I have some little things floating around in my brain… I want to tell it and talk about what these random thoughts are percolating in my head that is probably mostly a consequence of only working part-time and adjusting to that schedule SUPER FAST. I went to pick up the girl who I wound up caravanning with on Sunday night and her niece was in the kitchen. This girl is more upperclass than what I’m used to and I think also comes from money, so although she was in scrubs, she said, “Would you like a beer?” I told her that would be something that I’d never decline. Her niece who had been watching me said, “You sound like my mother.”

I said, “Ew… That’s definitely a Top Ten List something that I don’t want to hear,” and I looked at her again, and said, “There is probably no way that I could be your mother.” Then she said, shudder, “My mother is sixty.” I took it wrong though. Without skipping a beat, I said that was perfectly charming. We laughed and started up a conversation with my date who opened the beer and handed it to me. Rich girls do have very good manners. I think that there must be a difference between those who come from money and those who have made money. Bette doesn’t have anywhere near that level of finesse. The present girl then said that she was heading upstairs to change.

Her niece kept watching me. When she did we talked easily. She asked how old I was, and when I told her that I was 38, she said, “You look good!” A little color rose to her face, and I figured she was about the age of a graduating senior, so I said, “Oh, remember, I’m 60,” and then I winked at her. She flushed more and continued to talk. She then asked if I was single, and I said, “Very. I haven’t even been with anyone in 6-months. It feels good to be on woman detox.” Then she said, “I should ask ____, about that because I’m pretty curious.” I said, “I think that it’s kids in your age group. They don’t really see sexuality as an issue at all, and then girls, in general are always socialized well; therefore, being allowed to touch each other and holds hands and such. It seems like a natural extension. But…” I had to glance at her a little more while she was casually drawing and sitting down across the counter in the kitchen from me, “I do think that you are straight.” Then she said, “But, I’m very turned on by women,” and again more color rushed to her face.

Ha. That is some good stuff. Here is a child 15-16 years my junior who is all torqued up talking about women with me. I had this rebound thing last summer with Peter Pan when I was 37, and I found that her 31 was waaaaay too young. I highly doubt that any 23-year-old would hold an appeal for me, but it was fun, and it was interesting. I think that I need to grab a drink tonight. I have a damn job interview at 9:30 tomorrow morning, so I will have to take the boy to my folks’ house so I can do that. (I’m still not sure what I’ll be doing for supervision next school year.) I’m going to go out a bit and maybe even bar hop. I need to let these musings in my mind and body have a little life in them. 😉

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Delusions of the Exes

I think that I casually mentioned that Shane had written the same day or day after I had to sit in a presentation with my coming-out affair.  It’s so odd to have a coming out affair when you were 33, but my hs and college gfs were covert.  Anyway, the delusional one is not my coming-out affair. I gave her a simple hug and had a professional conversation.

Shane is super delusional though.  She wrote a disjointed letter that my son barely listened to and sent a complicated star device and a toy plane.  My son is 7.  He cannot interpret the stars and the wheels would take my perceptually-challenged self hours to interpret, so it’s just buried somewhere.  He has not played with transportation devices in three-years.  She is like one of those unfortunate distant relatives who we all have who still think that we are suspended in toddlerhood or something.  The saddest part of that is that she thinks that they have this relationship.  If she wants one, she would have to call him once a month, as he changes quickly.  Sad, really.  I do wish her the best, and wrote her a thank you email that day.

So, unfortunately, when you have kids and you spend over a year with someone, you and your kids interact.  Hell, Bette and I even did blended weekends for awhile, but I promptly stopped those early in 2012.  I still miss her son.  He is a gem.  She’s super lucky that he won’t remember me at all.  My son has been asking to talk to her for a couple of months, but like most seven-year-olds, he loses interest and lacks follow-through.  Well, not last night.  He was adamant about talking to her.  Of course he did have to leave her a message.  She left him a voice recording the following morning, which was today.  I played it for him and he asked to call her back.  He took my landline in my bedroom, his dog, and left.  I unloaded the dishwasher.  He came out shortly later.  Then I got two texts.  One was thanking me.  The other was apologizing if I took offense at one of her comments.  I said, “I have no idea what you’re referring to.  He sequestered himself in a bedroom with the dog.”

She talked about him at length.  I responded.  She honestly is a pretty good mother.  I think she’s harsh as all get out and I don’t want to be her friend, but she is honestly one of those people who has a soft spot in her heart for kids.  She asked to take him for a burger this weekend, but I explained that he has rehearsals Friday and Saturday, but that she could see him anytime that she wanted to.  I sent her two recent photos of him, and one had my intern in it.  She thought it was my gf, and I said that she is a 29-year-old str8 intern, but that I had a good gay story, so I left it on a voice recording.  I’ll reproduce it in brief here, because it’s funny.

I’ve been cross training since November with my workout partner.  She knows my son well though, because she is working with him as she is a Speech Pathologist.  My son reads too well to qualify for speech, but he has a lateral lisp.  This information is bg, and not the story.

Here is the story, and why I was with this particular girl, who I’ve been cross-training with this school year.  We were walking our dog after lifting weights and eating dinner.  She was talking to my son about his gf.  My son is super tall and actually very good looking.  A 5th grade girl called this house this year and left a VM and completely freaked me out, but again that is just more context.  Anyway, he likes this girl in his class who happens to be Black.  My workout partner said, “Do you like Black Girls?”  He answered, “Oh, yes.”  She said, “I like Black guys.”  My son said, “We are the same.  But, we are straight.”  There was a long pause and my son said, “You’re the gay one, Mom.”

It was funny.  My son is a bit of a nut.  That was a good exchange, was not overly personal, but was not an invitation into my personal life, but was about my son.  So, I thought that would be good, but she texted again a very stupid joke.  I let it go with no response, so 5-hours later she left me a long voice recording with race tips, and offers to send photos about her race.

Jeez.  I finished my 5-mile, and had fun.  I can finish my crazy half.  I don’t need advice.  Having a friendship with someone who doles out advice and tips is not a friendship.  Honestly, it reminds me of a stereotypical man who must be the best (Most of her tips were based on the race and her training that she had just completed, and how they could help me.) and be the one to help and fix.  Ani says it best, “I’m not a kitten stuck up in a tree, and I don’t need to be rescued.”  Also, when will she get that I didn’t ask?  I don’t need her for a friend or anything else.  I don’t appreciate unsolicited advice either.  If she wants to see my son, she’s more than welcome to take him snowboarding or out to eat or whatever.  I don’t need her.  She has strange ideas about relationships with exes in general.

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More See Saw

Dammit.  I was at my son’s End-of-the-Year Picnic when the Director of the Day Treatment called.  He said that he doesn’t know if he can get me adequate supervision next fall and spring.  I got upset and came home and did two applications, which wound up taking over two-hours.  In fact, it may have been 2.5 hours.  Lovely.  I’ll meet with him tomorrow.  My current supervisor will conference in on the call, which will be helpful.  We shall see.

I need a new nickname for the girl previously termed as “Lonely Girl.”  She is just like the rest of us, and doing the best that she can with what’s she’s got.  Honestly, she is newly divorced.  She and her partner have only been split for two-years and some change.  That is not enough time to get clarity with what you want, or how to co-parent divorced.  That takes time.  My ex and I have been not living together for nearly six.

I wanted to pick her up, but she was on call, so we caravanned.  My friend and she were from the same town, so that was a good connection for her.  She kept saying how cool they were.  My friend’s partner and she are in the same industry; therefore, she really liked them both given that she had something in common with each of them.  I do have great friends.

I don’t know.  She gives good hugs.  I had a date with a jailbait girl who I refer to as “Church Girl” last summer and I liked her hugs.  They are the same sign too.  I like water signs.  They have a good damper for my personality.  I just want to see what transpires.  What is meant to happen will.

I still like her dimples, and was very excited that she also wore a skirt (Well, mine was actually a skort, but hey!), and that I got to see her legs.  I want to meet some of her friends, I want to cycle with her and hike, and I want my workout partner to meet her.  Maybe we are each other’s wingmen.  Maybe we will be on a couch someday and start kissing.  I don’t know and trust that what is meant to be, will just develop.

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Hmm

I had a wonderful day yesterday, so now I’m reflecting on it.  Now, I’m looking forward to my hump day, which would have started out with a 30-mile bike ride, but it seems really cloudy and like it could continue to rain.  I don’t like slipping around inclines on trails on my very light road bike.  I don’t think that it actually rained much at my house, but there are huge gray clouds, so my new cycling partner and I are going to do an afternoon ride tomorrow.   I did my Day A yesterday, and it combined with humidity and heavy clouds promoted the best sleep that I’ve had in weeks.  However, I had a really somewhat unsettling dream.

I was in my black cocktail dress that is fitted at the waist, and I am not sure why I was because I had a slew of adolescents in a day treatment program with whom I was working.  Lonely girl was there and working with them as well, because she was giving information on psychopharmacology.  It should be noted that I would never be in a slinky black dress if I was working with adolescents or if I was at work, but I was.  She was talking to me, and then when I was talking to a group of boys, I turned around and she started touching my back, and then started tending to a blemish that I apparently had on my low back.  This dress is not backless, but it was in the dream.

Later after the clients were in her huge backyard in a group, she and I were drawing on a white board and talking about ethnicity, and I told her what everyone who just meets me and is somewhat gauche says, and that’s “What are you?”  I get a range.  I think that I look Italian, but I get Greek, Asian, and sometimes get asked if I’m Latina, which is more confusing since I do speak some Spanish.  She laughed.  We talked more and I sat on her back porch.  She sat down and put her legs around the back of my right arm and moved herself against me.  Then she pulled me to her with her legs, and wound up having her lower body completely pressed against my upper arm and her knees were against my stomach and back.  I could feel her heat.  At that point, I was really turned on and she asked if I liked her.  I said, “Well, I certainly find you attractive, but we have a house full of kids.  I’ll have to come back tonight.”

Wow.  I think that all the manifest content of that is that I really do miss sex in general.  It’s been a couple weeks shy of six-months.  I told my workout partner last night that I know that I let my ex say abusive shit to me for as long as I did because she met companionship needs and that I knew that when I stopped seeing her (completely) that I would have a dry spell.

This particular round of celibacy is somewhat self-inflicted because it’s rare for me to be attracted to someone.  I was not attracted to Peter Pan, but thought that she was sweet and earnest and it was really flattering to have someone so into you when your ex was doing more push and pull, and you hadn’t had sex with her in three months.  That was last summer though.  I am not attracted to lonely girl.  And she only texts very rarely.  She has a nice smile, gorgeous dimples, and I like her hands, but she really is not someone who you’d want to date.  I’m done with rich girls too.  I think that I also dreamt about her because one of my best friends just broke up with her bf who slept with his best friend a couple weeks ago.  He had been in love with his best friend his whole life.  She said, “It would be like if you and I got drunk and hooked up.”  I said quickly, “That would actually be a mistake because it would affect our 12-year friendship.”

Sex does affect a friendship.  With Shane and with Bette (my actual exes), I was not friends with either of them first.  So, I’m cool with both of them, but don’t seek them out or makes plans to see them.  This particular girl who I dreamt about and I are pseudo friends.  It’s not a friendship though.  It was odd that I lain in bed for sometime this morning before I got out because I was given pause.  I was aroused when I woke up.  In the dream it was easy for her to pull my arm against her with her knees.  I think that it’s good that if she does get into touch to hang out, I will have my son and she will have her daughter.  That will put a halt on any moves she might have.  Maybe it’s a cautionary thing.  She has a terrible reputation with the 40ish outdoorsy set who I met last September.  It’s all regarding that she is not one that you’d want to get into a relationship with, but I think if both parties are open, that is their business in terms of who they sleep with, but I’m not into open.  I don’t have time for it either.  I also don’t want to have sex with someone who had a relationship with one of my ex’s best friends.  No thanks.

I wonder what I will have capacity to do on Saturday night.  Probably not much.  The race is only five-miles, but it’s got a lot of climbing and lifting combined with water.  My son is doing the quarter-mile, so it will be really nice to see him on a weekend that is not mine.  I’m proud of him for trying.  I imagine that when I get home, I will not be into doing anything but taking a hot bath and using ice and Tiger’s Balm.  My intern and her best friend are going to eat dinner with me, so I am pre-cooking on Friday night.  These are those times when it’s really nice to have an uncomplicated pinch hitter.  Like an ex who you’d never want to be with, but are cool with.  If I’m being completely honest with myself, if Shane were still ten-minutes away, I could see myself saying, “Hey, can we hook up for a couple of hours this weekend?  Is there a window wherein you will not be having a drop?”  That would probably piss her off, but she and I had the most consistent sex of anyone who I’ve slept with, and I would never want to be with her.  It’s rare to have something so uncomplicated.  Gotta eat, clean and write.

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Day off

I can’t see clients tonight…  In about an hour my son and I are going to start working in the food pantry in our church.  We will go back to distribute the boxes of food this evening for awhile.  We will have to leave late afternoon to go over to my parent’s house.  My Mom is making something for us for dinner.  I hope that it is ok to hang out with them tonight and they aren’t fighting too much.

I have been reading through all kinds of blogs before I go to bed at night.  It is really interesting when I encounter one in which the author does something for a living similar to what I do.  I’ve not run across one who is raising a kid solo–and tbh, I have never read one yet wherein someone has sole custody of a kid in general.  My friends asked me yesterday why that was and I said, “I’m the one who is most equipped to be a parent.”  This task includes when he is amped up by the moon, and alternately non-compliant.

I keep him engaged.  I taught his best friend to ride a bike yesterday, and I introduced him to my cycling partner and her bf yesterday while we picnicked.  He played in and around an irrigation ditch with various little boys at the park while we three chilled on a blanket.  My cycling partner made the best quinoa salad that I’ve had in my life.  Usually it’s just fine, but this was phenomenal.  I managed to dump it in my car and garage getting the cooler out last night.  Consequently, I wound up cleaning for nearly an hour last night though, so there is little of it to eat today.  Sad.

I need to straighten things up in my house today so I can just happily work this week.  It is pretty cluttered around here too.  What I’m hoping for is after we work in our food pantry I have a second wind of some sort that can carry me through some household stuff while I have a break in between food distribution and dinner.  I’ve been really tired lately.  After I had the cough from hell that did not lift and had to take antibiotics, my immune system has been complete shit.  I have a sinus infection, but I want to treat it without medical intervention.  I have my dangerous five-mile on Sat, and it would be keen to have full lung capacity.

Summer is in full swing.  It’s a matter of my following a good writing schedule.  Cooking great meals.  Connecting with friends.  Doing a variety of things with my son, and basically just staying happy.  I think that I can do that, and I’m off to great start.

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Mix it up

I’ve gotten really good at this single thing.  I like it too.  Oddly, I do especially at night.  I can work out.  Read and write.  I can drink a beer or two after I’ve worked out, or I can determine that my walk is enough cardio and not work out extra.  I don’t have to worry about anyone’s moods or do I have to explain my client schedule or have feelings of guilt when it goes into the night.

I did have clients through the night, which I won’t anymore!  Woo-hoo!  (My class ends June 30th and my job is open 8 – 12 as of next Tuesday.)  I was at the art studio for about an hour on Wednesday, and when I’m not working with my girls on projects, my son and one of his friends can make art.  That is going to be amazing.  I think life is going to be keen.

I’m doing my scary obstacle half in three-weeks, and then two weeks after that I’m learning how to rock climb.  Everything else for the last month of my partial vacation will be easy, and I just have a little 10k, but I’d like to have some social stuff in between all the writing that I must complete.  That will start tonight.

After I had my dinner party with the women who are in longterm relationships (We can’t have marriages in this state.), I have kept in touch with all of them.  I’ll see at least two, if not three, of the couples tonight, because one of the couples are going on a year-long vacation.  They don’t have any kids right now, so it’s a good time to do it.  I invited lonely girl and church girl.  We will see who shows.  I don’t really hustle for newer friends.  It just has to have a good show-up factor, and if it doesn’t, I don’t add them as friends to my life.

Being out and about tonight is something that I’m really looking forward to though.  I’m going on a 35-mile bikeride with my supervisor this morning, and then am eating lunch and having two beers with my colleague who is my new cycling partner.  I only have one client before the party.  Summer is getting in full swing.  I’m lucky.

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Zeitgeist

There was another natural disaster that killed 24 people this week in the US.  It left a lot of debris and devastation.  Like many people, when weather tragedies occur, I wind up thinking about wars, because they are tragic too; although, entirely human made.  I’m thinking of those families and will do so in church.  For some reason, I don’t talk about war or weather extremities with my son, and he doesn’t ask.  I guess not having a tv with reception does shield him from scary thoughts in his seven-year-old head. Anyway, I wanted to reflect on tragedies a little this morning, and thank people going into this long weekend.

My Dad is a Vet.  He didn’t see combat, but he decoded conversations which were intercepted.  He doesn’t speak Vietnamese, but it was easy for him to pick up German in school and he spoke it well enough to transcribe phone conversations.  He can’t really hear much now though.  That’s ok though, because he doesn’t really like people.  I know that he likes his grandson though.

I thought that I should say thanks before we come up on a weekend–and mine is actually a four-day one–to people who believe in God and country.  I know that I don’t have those kind of convictions, but I do think that there are many people who don’t see things as I do and believe in this type of service.  That’s following your passion.  Now, I will tell you that my heart skips a little beat when some of my more concrete high school kids who I know enlist, because they will not test as officer material and will probably be on the front lines in various imperialistic and capitalistic ventures.  Scary.  I don’t like dwelling much there tbh.  May God and well wishers keep them.

I read a post today, which was old, but was surprised that my opinion was not included in the 60 comments.  I know that I’m weird.  Some of my odd approach is the courtesy of dear old Dad, but I was actually shocked to not see anyone elude to what I think is behind many slow recoveries after a national disaster.  The writer wrote about the earthquake in Haiti, which I knew killed hundreds of thousands of people.  I knew too that it killed people who were indigenous to the island.  They are extremely poor.  The irony is that the hotels on that island are apparently unparalleled.  Scary contrast, but much like the way of the world.

My Dad is a Marxist.  I think that posting something like that could cause an onslaught of rage.  Socialism and Communism are threatening topics about which to blog.  People have in their heads that the country China is Communist, but it’s actually an Oligarchy of rigid control.  Anyway, the purpose of this post is that I’m really just thanking little people who follow their passions, and people who have deep convictions to serve an entire country.  Thank you for your beliefs.  Thank you for your commitment.  And with Father’s Day coming up very soon, thanks to my Dad for always making me think.

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Finality

I have had this damn email for too long.  I’m not sure how long actually, but today in my son’s class (while I watched him dance), I realized that it carries energy in my draft box.  I don’t want that energy.  I like, “Good.  Hope you two are well.”  I don’t want it to be anywhere, but here–namely–because it invites reengagement in conversation and the like.  I burned her name on a piece of paper last summer with a sentence that I wrote.  After I blew the ashes and it had gone out, I unfolded the paper and it was blank.  All my handwriting had disappeared.  I have decided to put this email here, and then I don’t want to say much more about her.  I got what I needed and want to go to my friends’ party this weekend with it already “sent.”

I’m going to be as clear as I can.  I don’t want to pre-arrange seeing you.  I’m sure that we shall run into each other by chance in the future, but I don’t feel comfortable with a friendship or actively cultivating something close.  We had a good trial run of things for 15-months, and I don’t want to try to convert our old situations into a “friendship.”  I’m not there, and want to heal and move forward.

I think that we struggle to understand one another, don’t get along, and live far apart.  It doesn’t make much sense to attempt to turn a painful lost love situation into anything when it’s so difficult just to get together, and even relate to one another.  If we were meant to be friends, it wouldn’t be this hard, so I think that is life telling us something.

I don’t think that you know me all that well, tbh.  I think that if you did, you wouldn’t believe that I had “zero compassion.”  But, what I have come to is that it doesn’t matter at all what you think I’m like. If I’m creepy, negative, and selfish and don’t have compassion for others that is just what interactions with me yielded.  It gives me pause, because I don’t know anyone who possesses those qualities or have I ever told anyone that he or she were that way.  Such a strange thing for me, and I can’t wrap my brain around why that is the result.  Honestly, I’m not sure why that is your pitting of me, but it doesn’t seem like I should be part of your circle.  You should be around nice people.

I’m simply not that way.  I’m a lot of things, have tons of drawbacks and the like, but I just like to laugh and connect with others.  People who I chose to spend time with help me understand the world better.  I surround myself and am blessed with wonderful friends.

I can remember not being able to wait to wake up to email you to share about my day, get information on what you were doing, who you were, and what motivated you / made your heart tick.  I quickly fell head over heels in love with you and had an incredible three months with you sharing my whole self and feeling so gratified looking into your eyes or being in your arms.  I wouldn’t trade fall of 2011 for anything.

As I’ve said, I also yielded being able to make sure that my son has a wonderful meal when I don’t see him until the following morning, I realized that he actually needed a dog, and I really am in phenomenal shape now, which I know may improve my overall health and life quality.  The last thing that started toward the end of September nearly two years ago was that I trusted myself enough to give my heart away.  Those are pretty good lessons resulting from ending a relationship.  I am lucky.  Sorry that it only worked in my direction and you never got your four quarters.  They are coming for you or are already there with a really great girl.

Glad that we are cool.  It means a lot to me that you and I will be able to comfortably greet each other when we do see each other.  Peace and light your way.

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Tanked

I probably got six-hours worth of sleep.  The light comes in so strongly in the morning.  I got up, had some coffee and then went to my Boss’ Boot Camp, and it was brutal because it was on asphalt.  Our Boot Camp is on grass and trail when we do it outside.  I didn’t even bear crawl because I didn’t want to tear up my hands.  So suburban…  Crawling in a dusty parking lot in between traffic cones.  But, hell, I wear my gloves so my callouses are smaller on the palms of my hands where my fingers start, so I’m not going to tear them up on asphalt.  I did 26-minutes of cardio stations though with no rest and did manage to cut my wrist, forearm, and bicep flipping the tractor tire at one station.  Butch moment 🙂

I rode my bike with my colleague again, but we didn’t go all the way to the reservoir today.  We rode an hour, and then my client was a no-show, which stunk.  I shopped for books for graduation presents.  I love book stores.  This one used to be on the trail from my house and now it’s more downtown, but I love it so much.  Although I cannot afford it, I bought Brene Brown’s new book, and think that I’m going to stay home to read it.  I’m supposed to go to another graduation party, but the one for my intern really wore me out.  Tons of exercise and oddly in my old age, I’m becoming more introverted and don’t want to make idle conversation with former students.  I like one of them quite a lot, but I’d rather just send her the book and card.  Laying on my couch and typing feels really good.

Earlier this evening, I thought that I would go to the bar, but I don’t want to now.  I’m so happy here at home.  I told my workout partner who accompanied me to my intern’s graduation party that I know that a girl is not going to knock on my door tonight, but I’m not willing to disrupt my happiness right now.  That’s what I’ve come to.  I’m happily tanked from Boot Camp, a bike ride, a few errands, and one party.  That’s enough.  I don’t want to seek much of anything right now or do I want to explain why I drank three beers late afternoon and talked and laughed, or that I ate two big plates of pasta.  I think that it would take a really special girl for me to disrupt what I’m doing and what I seriously enjoy.

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Shift

So, of course Shane would send my son a package yesterday.

One of my clients got called into her job last night, and another one moved her session, so I decided to move my on-going family who I will be referring out to a couple of providers to late afternoon tomorrow.  Last night, I ate dinner WITH my son–he only saved me half of a biscuit though–and talked at length.  We walked our dog, cuddled, and seemed really connected.  He is awake now, because our dog already busted in his room, but I am staying home with him until his father picks him up for the weekend.  My son’s school has a planning day for teachers and so there are no classes.

I had a good shift today.  I think that because lonely girl has been contacting me and she is really pretty, I was thinking about an FB again.  She is a quick bike ride away.  However, it is not good to sleep with someone who you know has done shady things which have resulted in losing friends.  That is pretty complicated sex.

Shane and I had the uncomplicated thing for a summer.  When she told me around Labor Day that because she had been sleeping with one of the girls from work for 7-months, that when she said that they should be exclusive so she just agreed, I was like, “Peace out.”  This was four-years ago.  She was shocked.  I think that I meant more to her than 1) I had thought, and 2) She meant to me.  I never contacted her again, and we reconnected four-months later on NYD.  At that time, I figured that I maybe meant a lot to her, and it was flattering.  That’s really all lonely girl is.  It’s flattering, but it needn’t go down the sex road.  So, it won’t.

The funny thing about roads that you travel is that they can become circuituous.  I don’t want to circle back to an FB.  I do think that lonely girl will either put the moves on me or proposition me for sex, but I can just go home.  I had an FB last summer when my ex and I were on a summer hiatus, and I just don’t want one.  Even if the new prospect is super gainfully employed and independent.  It means a lot to me that the women who I met that she hung out with over a year ago don’t speak to her now.  Begs the question…  What did you do?  I know that lesbians are cliquey, but damn.

I’m fine with friendships with lots of different people.  My father had us move about 13-times as I grew up.  I was in 7th grade when we bought a house and stayed, and that stability lasted a year wherein my brother was killed and I was seriously injured.  I knew mobility and then debilitating loss.  Those were my frame of reference for my first 14-years.  It was my journey though.

The lessons from that is that I can easily make friends, but that it is more difficult for me to give myself away.  I’ve gotten really good at the latter over the last six-years.  I can tell new people my story, because I have worked through it.  The biggest shift for me is that I know it’s critical to be vulnerable when you are making a close friendship and that it is a foundational attribute when you are with a partner.

I was vulnerable with my coming out affair, Shane, and then really very much so with my ex.  That is where I am.  I’m ready not for an FB, a conversion of FB to a gf, or a woman who flips and flops and never really settles on committing to me.  I’m shifting for being ready for that real thing whenever the time is right, and it will be with a woman who I know well and have already spent lots of time hanging and connecting.

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6-years

That is the age difference between my coming-out affair and I.  Those are also opposites in the Chinese Zodiac.  Well, she and a former boss of mine covered state guidelines that have changed for brain injuries today.  It was odd because today–my work load for my day job is lightest on Wednesdays–I had told one of my newer friends (who I had run a 5K with nearly a month ago)–all about her.  And there she was, presenting for our team with a former boss of mine.  I was pretty shaky when I realized that she was there too.

Then, it was fine.  After her portion of the talk was done, I smiled at my former boss and then when she would jump in so she could present more, I could just look at her.  It was completely neutral.  So, I put on my big girl pants at the end of their presentation and talked to and hugged them both.  I talked to them at length about a case we had just completed and asked if they could look at it.  They seemed surprised, but said that they would.  Next week, I’ll just email them both at the same time and say nice to see you and I think that we have what they discussed covered.

This is expressly why I know that there are no coincidences.  I talked about her today–I hadn’t seen her in almost 3-years–and there she was.  For me, the lesson is that I can easily share space with my ex in six-years.  At least my coming-out affair gave me a good and genuine hug.  I think that when I run into my ex, I’ll decline a hug and tell her that I don’t like her friend hugs.  She claps on the back too hard.  However, maybe with the passage of time, she can genuinely connect to me.  Interesting day today.  It’s time for bed.

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Change

I know that I will just be meeting girls this summer and hanging out.  I get how to do that and how it’s different than 1) taking a girl home from a bar, or 2) emailing someone so different than any woman than you’ve been exposed to previously, and getting caught up in the elixir of passion.  I can do that.

However, I don’t know what to do about work.  I need to talk with the state regulatory board today and see what supervisors would have to fill-out when they sign off on my work.  I think that I would like to talk to the professor who has been mentoring me.  I talked with a licensed clinical social worker on Saturday and she told me that licensing boards are actually more interested that your supervisors actually work where they supervise you so that they understand the system.  She said that it’s less about the hours that they work and more about if they have adequate knowledge of the system.  I still think that I’m gambling though.  I can’t really do that.

Part of me wants to stay so I can more accurately control the gathering of my data.  That has to take place in August, which is both scary and sad.  I do have a phone appointment with the boss of this department on Wednesday so I can talk to her.

Again, I need to speak with the manager of our dual diagnosis program too, because I need some more experience that is purely clinical.  I think that given that I’m 2/3 done with practicum that I get community mental health, but I would like to see a different day treatment.  I am familiar with this setting given that I tested for it 2004 – 2007 and worked in one up until I moved most recently (2010).  However, I think that ours, given that it contracts with a large mental health corporation, is run differently than ones that don’t have that component.  I need to talk to him this week too.

I don’t know how I feel about the new setting.  When I screened, it seemed like the boss was just neutral.  I think that many administrators are that way.  Then it’s getting used to a brand new set of rules and two new buildings.  That is a lot to deal with, but I certainly have done it before.  It’s been since 2009 that I really thought seriously about moving, and then did at the very beginning of 2010.

I AM SCARED.  I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FodfkqfJrhQ

I am here… Again.

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And some are just trouble

We were deep in the mountains the weekend before I turned 38, but then her son got sick and we had to come home.  She wanted me to stay and do a long day hike along a ridge, but when you are spending 5-days with the girl you’re dating, you want to do just that.  Because she is such a driven person, she wound up bundling up the baby the next day and we took a 25-mile bike ride.  The weekend wasn’t bad.  She was moody about her possible diagnosis which–as I knew it would be–turned out to be nothing but muscle tears.  However, there was there was more to the outcome of this weekend in general.

We drove back home and she said, “Who did you think was attractive?”  I found the question odd and then she said, “C’mon, who would you do if you were single?”  I told her, and she made a slight about her physical state.  Very her.  Then she told me who she found attractive.  My ex is shameless flirt; although, she would deny and call herself “clueless” when it came to stuff like that, so I knew that she had at least had intense conversations with her.  I mostly let it go, but did say that she would start pursuing her.

Then, the following Saturday when she had plans with us, she slowly cancelled on me via phone, and wound up “hiking”–my ex HATES to hike–with her and her daughter the following day (Sunday).  Then she sent me some of the meanest texts and basically called me a big baby for being sad about not getting to see her and not being a priority.  That was the nail in the coffin for me for us to be “dating.”  My ex is like a lot of people and always keeps one in the queue.  This girl was no exception until her friends told her how she is in relationship, and she also learned some things when she was with one of my ex’s old friends too.

Well, this girl didn’t overtly ask me out, but she did ask if I was going out on Friday.  I would choose pain of death before I would go to this venue wherein any manner of the ghosts of gf’s past could be dancing, and then she texted, “I need to meet people.  How does one do that?”  I told her that if she wanted to, I’d bring her to one of my friend’s parties when I could, and she said that she’d be honored.  She is just lonely.  I was there last summer.  I slept with Peter Pan.

We can hang out with friends, and be friends, but that’s it.  She is super cute and has great dimples, but she is her own worse enemy when it comes to relationship, and I have already seen her with her friends, and it seems, that many of them don’t talk to her anymore.  So, that’s enough data for me.  I honestly don’t have anything in common with a woman who is fine with losing friends.  It seems that she is not solid enough right now to make lasting friendships if newer friends no longer talk to her.

  1. Sexy
  2. Smart
  3. Integrity
  4. Vulnerable
  5. Funny
  6. Humble
  7. Open
  8. Stable

My BFF said, “Become who you want.”  I don’t think that I struggle much with any of these attributes.  I think too, that I really do know who I am.  Shane had this tattoo, “Know thyself,” except it was in Latin.  And she did, but she was not willing to share things that scared her with me.  She was open, but not too much so, because then she could not have justified her alcohol use.  I don’t think that justification has place in relationship…  I was short with you because you don’t read my mind about my grief.  Where is the emotion in that?  There isn’t any, but anger, and that’s just masked hurt.  Hurt is an emotion that few will talk about, because it makes you vulnerable.

Stable is another important factor too.  I’m not a warm body.  I’m someone who is worth it.

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Dinking around

The biker doesn’t have a gf, but I don’t think that I should fly far away just to hang out with her and have sex.  Although I could really use some sex, and believe me, I could, I don’t think that something just for the sake of doing it is a good idea.  We all have patterns.  I don’t want to go back to mine.

My last relationship was different, and I think that it is simply because I’m at a different level with respect to what I know that I do honestly want.  Just hooking up when some girl is available, or having a here and there long distance fling is not ultimately what I’m seeking.  I was different and in the end I was more heartbroken afterward because I thought that my ex and I would work through our constant fights–actually saying her jumping my shit all the time and me being in shock is more accurate–and then we’d raise our sons together.  That was a fantasy though, because she goes off on everyone, and I have left my childhood behind.  I don’t need a woman to alternately complain and yell at me.

In that song “Detours” by Sheryl Crowe she seeks someone who is awake, and while I do that, I’m not destroyed as a result of my last breakup.  She also wishes to love with a “paper thin heart.”  While the slow, year long death tore me up, and I cried a whole bunch last fall, I am not altered in terms of my ability for passionate and intimate love.  With the turn of this calendar, I have not shed a single tear and we will be midway through this year before long.  I have definitely changed though.  I didn’t know her.  I had written to church girl and I told her that I don’t want to get caught up in the land of dopamine and the elixir of passion before I truly know who a woman is.  My ex and I got sexually involved after just under two weeks, and honestly I knew that she pushes away when she thinks that someone is being casual to her.  I ignored it.  Now, I’d be less likely to ignore something weird like that, but I want to have open exchanges about how a girl fights.

Describe for me, your temper?  Is a a slow, burning kind of thing and then you finally release?  Do you fly off the handle a lot and are you easily irritated?

Have you fought with a good friend?  How did you work through it?

I used to be really hotheaded.  I’m just not like that anymore and it’s rare for me to raise my voice.  I never raised my voice at Shane–not once.  Although I must admit that she and I had that free and easy dynamic wherein we sat quietly.  In fact, she would have a soliloquy for sometimes up to two-hours because I was the only one that she talked to, and I was like a captive audience.  She didn’t ask me any questions, and I was finally glad for her to simply shut up.  I wound up really missing my friends too when I was with her for two-weeks, because we have an even talking and speaking exchange.  Some of my friends do irritate me, and if talking about it doesn’t resolve, I just take space from them.

I need to admit that I have not ever resolved conflict well with a lover.  I need to work on fighting well in my next relationship.  I know what good communication is when you fight, and when Shane was completely sober, which was rare, we could talk through things.  However, the resolution never involved her compromising with me.  It was her decision.  So, in that way I have improved.  I won’t allow a girl to bowl me over and make decisions for me either.

I think that I’m just done dinking around.  I probably won’t go home with anyone at the party in 10-days.  I may not even get any phone numbers.  I think that more than likely, I will just have some fun and laughs.  I don’t want to go back to hooking up, and I don’t want to second guess my instincts with a woman who doesn’t want to compromise either.

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Snow Day

Well, it took until April, but I got it!  I always have these lofty plans that I’m going to work lightly and let my intern hold down the fort, but yesterday we had some stuff come up that only I could address.  I got up at my normal, ungodly hour, checked my email and then my job’s website, and went back to bed.  It’s so great when I can fall back asleep.  My son came in and cuddled me about an hour-and-a-half later.

So, today I’m very happy, because my son is contentedly playing Legos and I’m typing with coffee.  I’m going to make ham and cheese omelets with green onion (And I will have to omit cheese from his, because he doesn’t care for cheese much) and then work some.  But, NOT my day job.  That is closed today as are many city entities.  I won’t even check my email.  It’s not bad in my city though…  I think that most of this storm is where my ex lives.  I’m NOT complaining.  🙂  It is nice to be home, and know that I don’t have anywhere to see clients this evening either.

Our family 5K is this weekend.  We will have to get some sleep on Saturday night because we have to get up really early.  I hope that we don’t have to run into the wind.  I found out on Sunday that I don’t like doing that at all.  Rain is forecasted, so we will need our raincoats and some dry clothes.  I think that there is live music and such afterward.  I’m going to time myself, and then see how much time I can shave off of it six-days later when I run mine solo.  I would like to learn to do 5Ks in 30-minutes and 10Ks in about an hour and fifteen.  That’s my goal.

I’m in that loathing of dry spell mode.  That means that I could go home with a random girl next Saturday.  I hope that I don’t.  My preference is fun social stuff in the daylight with plenty of girls.  That is the good thing about my second 5K, because I will meet a bunch of girls during and after it when we go out for my colleague’s birthday.  I should promise myself to get phone numbers only.  These girls are way younger than me and party a lot.  I outgrew that phase about four-years ago.

I have these strange fantasies wherein I meet a girl at the Art Museum or a book talk.  I’m looking for someone who doesn’t give me shit when I make literary references or when I make jokes that are more metaphorical.  Shane used to tell me how weird I was all the time, and while that’s true, I didn’t like the way that she always had to say it.  My last ex used to give me shit about my use of polysyllabic words, and it was obvious that she was at least slightly bothered that I had made time to continue my education.  I would like to meet a girl who is comfortable where she is, and doesn’t mind that I like music, books, and art.  Peter Pan loved books and music, but she lied about where she was so she could sleep with me.

There have got to be authentic women.  I’m one.  I want to run into one.

 

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More Randomness

I got so very little done this weekend and it’s sad.  It’s already 5:30 am and church girl is coming over for dinner tonight after my son’s dance class.  That means that I have to sweep, mop, vacuum, and clean the bathrooms upstairs.  I’m not in the mind to care much, which is sad, but I will do it.  I couldn’t run much yesterday and my feet are really sore.  I think that my body is kind of against this half marathon, but I will do it.  I’m just old.  My 26-year-old workout partner has a shin splint and says little about it, so I can deal with my bum leg and creaking feet.  It is not going to be easy, but I will finish it.  Then I plan on running only 1 – 2x a week, because it is really hard on knees and other joints.  Glad that I learned how though before I turned 39 🙂

I have to work on my dissertation today.  It’s down to the wire with data collection.  I also need to remake my night client schedule.  This stuff kills the day job, but my intern can hold up the ship today.  I’ll let her know soon and leave her a HeyTell.

We have had so much stress at work.  It’s unreal.  I will get through this week, and am glad to have taken up running, let me tell you.

We are going to get a large snowstorm.  I guess that my prayers for more moisture are working.  Haha.  The birds are talking about it. I guess that “Snow White,” is not all that fictional.  They are sounding pretty riled up already.  I need to cover up the hole our dog dug when she was still a nut puppy, and also spread the rest of the wildflower seeds so they can cold stratify and come up at the end of May.  My backyard is another thing.  Getting grass to grow in sand during a drought is a real treat.

My son’s best friend’s Mom just texted…  She is taking my son for three-hours on Saturday so I can make all the copies of my taxes to send.  I owe so much to this state.  It’s ridiculous.  She is a great friend.

The dog keeps shifting her weight all over my sore and fragile feet.  Nothing like her joints shifting all over the tops of my runner’s feet.  Lovely.  She keeps sighing too.  I think that she knows that today is a workday and will get bored with her puzzle and PB-stuffed, frozen Kong waiting for the dog walker to come.  It’s going to be so nice to only be about 30 – 35 hours away from the house instead of a minimum of 55.  I just have to get through the next 7-weeks.  You can do anything for seven-weeks, and maybe I can start meeting some nice girls too.

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Fun, yet odd

We went out last night–it was a couple of my colleagues and a couple who I know who is traveling all next year and a friend who used to work with one of my friends when she lived in another state.  Like many people, she has just moved here.  The bartender was happy to see me, which struck me as odd.  I had not been to that bar in five-months and she obviously remembered me.  She has an awesome haircut, huge blue eyes, and a really incredible body.  Even my colleagues were saying how hot she was.  I flirted with her just a little bit, but in a respectful way too.

Afterward we were sitting in some straight back chairs that really could be in someone’s living room right by an open window (Yay, springtime!), I noticed a fairly butch woman sitting at the bar chatting quite a bit with the hot bartender.  I was shocked.  I told my colleague her name and said that we had a falling out about four-and-a-half years ago.  Then I was like, “This is really stupid.  Especially given that there are 58 lesbians in ______ .”  So, I got up and said, “Hey, aren’t you _____ _____ ?”  And she said, “______ !”  She embraced me a long time.  Her partner is 6-months pregnant and they bought a house in that district.  I was really impressed with that.  It’s a trendy area.

She texted me a few times too.  I need to text her back today.  I’ll be just south of there today conducting some testing in executive functioning with a client for a private boss who I have.

The other girls got there about 20-minutes later and we were laughing so hard and being obnoxious and bizarre.  We have tons of inside jokes and always create more.  The one couple is one that I hung out with all last fall through now.  I wish that they were not moving, but it’s an adventure for them.  We had a great time.

Later, they were giving me a lot of shit about not getting the bartender’s number.  Finally, I said, “You guys, she is at work.  She is swamped with drunk frat boys.  And I just saw a woman who started an orgy in my house in 2008 with a bullwhip.  I’m just not into non-organic development anymore, or just sex with no attachments where I live.”

At the time, 2008, I was super attracted to this one girl who was a childhood friend of a girl who I went to middle school with, so I engaged in some of the debauchery, but that was the year that I had remained celibate.  It was a really weird party, and an odd time for me in general.  I had only been out just under a year, and was really dealing with that I was always gay, so I did whatever occasionally.  That party was probably the oddest thing that ever happened when I was in attendance.  It was just some weird stuff and making out that went on.  We were all wasted.

This girl, who was now sitting at the bar, wound up naked sleeping in my bed.  I had to tell her that cuddling was fine, but nothing would ever happen between us.  I’m picky about who I sleep with.  The exception was Peter Pan last summer.  I just needed to have sex with someone other than my ex, and she really presented as a solid person until her lies unraveled after I hung out with her for two months.

I know where I am with respect to relationships.  I would have some flingish stuff, but it would have to occur out of state.  I would prefer to build foundations with some nice girls.  And I am gun-shy too, so it’s unlikely that I will be having intimacy with anyone around here for awhile.  I’m fine with all that too.  Time to get ready, buy cleats, watch my son, work this afternoon with a client, and then do my Day C.  At least a best buddy is making me dinner tonight.  I have a great life.