Tag Archives: Connection

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Good luck with that

Well, she and I have been emailing a bit, and I told her that I would take her away on a weekend trip if she could find this blog.  It’s too bad much of this one currently is about my shitty experiences with my ex who was the Master of Push and Pull, but that just lead me to where I am now.  I’m thinking that she will give me some new material 😉  I like this stage.  It’s exciting, it makes my heart race, and is pretty scary, because I know that I’m in trouble with this woman.

How do you say, “You look beautiful,” to a woman who has probably been told that more times than are possible to count.  But, she really is.  She has a way of carrying herself too that is incredible.  I wonder if she will find me and my blog.  I don’t know how feasible it is, but if she should–and good luck–she should know that I can fully embrace that I may very well fall in love with her.

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Bam

I just don’t have those slow, organic developments.  I don’t.  Girls and I just tend to know what we would like.  The big difference now is that after the girl from last summer and I had our thing for a second in July of 2012, and then all her lies started unraveling, I realized that I need to know someone’s friends and they have to know mine before we hook up.  That was my mistake with her, but I also think that I didn’t feel that mutual chemical bam also means something.

My artist told me via email that the only time that she saw herself looking the way she does once before, as she in the picture that was snapped by one of my hs friends at the wedding Saturday.  It was apparently when she knew that she was in love with a man who she later married and had two kids with after she could no longer hide her affection for him.  Wow.  I haven’t ever been that flattered.

Now I’ve got two days to pretend like I can easily sleep and feel stable driving dinner over to her house.  She writes like I do.  She loves music and reading.  I think that I kinda could feel that.  I have obviously looked at and been impressed with her paintings, but when my workout partner asked what I wanted, I said, “I want to snuggle under a huge, fuzzy blanket and watch movies.”  That is how I feel about her.  She is so beautiful, and definitely funny and cracks jokes, but I just want some time to share with her.

I get that chance on Thursday.  I don’t want to ask stupid things like, “What are you looking for?”  I’d rather reflect on our energy.  There is a lot of sexual energy there, but I also liked when we were laughing and joking on the back deck too.  I didn’t think that this year would end with no connection, but I had no idea that it would end with a chance to quickly fall in love.  I am ever-amazed with the beauty and the seeming lack of predictability in life.  I’ll write again on Friday morning.

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You haven’t got it so figured out

I had a wonderful day Saturday completing the summit with the woman with whom I had an emotional affair.  She and I talked incredibly easy regardless of elevation gain, and she is the most suited climbing companion that I’ve ever had.  That’s sad.  We talked through the pointed flirtation at several intervals after the summit.  I held her twice when I dropped her off and told her that I wouldn’t mess with her and that she needs to get her shit together.  We are super compatible.  We talk, joke, laugh, are both inappropriate–especially in terms of our sense of humor, both love kids and working with them as our primary clients, we are both highly energetic, have good vocabularies and think that being outside and then following it up with a beers and a burger is one of the best things that there is.  We talked more about the lack of us on the way back down.  I told her that it didn’t matter how compatible we were, and if we made this–whatever-the-hell it is–into physical that it would not only be immoral, but it would wind up fucking both of us up big time and diminish the level of connection that we have and what could be.

Then, I came home and made a cool mountain album to put up on FB and got ready, because I was going to a wedding.  It was the coolest wedding that I had ever attended as well.  It’s not because the Governor officiated it, it was because it was short, sweet, simple, and outside the couple’s home with the block sectioned off so that street performers could perform and we could eat BBQ and drink microbrews.  There were probably 300 people there.  One of my best friends who is like a sister to me has a friend who is a talented artist.  I had been to one of her art shows last year.  I guess that she said to my friend, “Are you with ______ ?” and she said, “Don’t you think I would have told you if I started seeing a WOMAN?  No, we have been friends for years.”  She said, “Oh, well, I think she is really hot.”  That was so flattering.  She is magazine quality beautiful.  She pulled me out to dance, which I hate, but she eventually let me off the hook.

We didn’t flirt overtly or out-of-control, but we had an intensity.  One of my friends from high school who knows both the bride and groom as well asked me yesterday morning if this woman was in love with me.  I told her flatly and easily, “No, but I am not sure who I will wind up actually dating next.”  She texted more and eluded to the level of sexual chemistry that could be felt when we were sitting with each other.  So, what am I going to do?  I’m going to email her this morning.  She has four boys.  She is a talented artist.  She has had pain in her past.  She looks like the child of Jane Seymour and Audrey Hepburn, and it was highly flattering to have her express interest in me.  It made yesterday very interesting too!  At least I won’t skip any workouts anymore 😉

After my friend from the swings got out of church, she called me.  We had a wonderful and good conversation.  However, the breakup with her gf does not even approximate clean.  They did an open relationship before ending their relationship, and the woman with whom she had the polyamorous connection is now pursuing her exclusively, but indirectly has shared that she will likely sleep with her ex for always.  I haven’t been down that exact road, but I know that I am not cut out for open.  I like stability in relationship and not wondering why I don’t give someone enough.  I’m smart enough and have been in enough classes to understand that sexual experiences and intimacy vary for everyone, but when she said, “We will have to be different now,” I did tell her “I don’t think that is possible.  You started off with only a sexual foundation and found each other seeking an open experience.  Also, the intention that you put out in the universe was that you a wanted polyamorous connection.  That was your intention.  I don’t think that it can convert.”

The sad thing is that this girl wants to continue an intense relationship with her ex.  My friend is done with her ex.  For right now, I’m done thinking about my friend in any other way than that she needs good friends, who like my climbing partner from Saturday, does not need to be fucked with visa vi a potential love interest.  She has a load of stuff to figure out completely independent of me.  Her mother and mother’s bf loved me.  I’m pretty good with parents in general, and it was nice to meet her mother finally and be part of their home.  I am going to write a Thank You Note to send this am after I have woken up with my coffee.

I can’t believe the wrinkles that get thrown up.  I kept saying that I would prefer not to date another mother if I didn’t have to.  I get that you choose who you date.  But, honestly being on the receiving end of that much attention from a completely beautiful woman was encouraging.  I’m going to email her and I would like to bring her dinner one evening next week before I leave town for my bday.  She doesn’t drink at all, which would probably be a good break for me too.  I am very much looking forward to seeing what is there.

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Hold the phone

I spent time on the swings last March with a beautiful woman.  The activity was sweet and innocent and lovely.  It was such a contrast to things that my ex and I would do.  You know walk her sweet dog while she screamed at her.  Anyway, that whole Sunday fucked me up.  I thought she was beautiful when I met her nine-months earlier, and then time with her was just so easy and she is so good with my son.  She wants kids.  She is four-years younger than me.  Perfect.  I also am very close with one of her best friends from hs, so my knowing her for 15-mos feels like longer.

She is coming over on Sunday.  She is coming over being newly single on Sunday.  I can’t wait to hug her and have dinner and conversation.  I want to get to know her better.  When she came to my church when I spoke, I was so excited.  I thanked her over and over.  I think that she is interested in going to church with me too.  I suppose given that she has spent time with my son, and the fact that I know that she will need some time to get through her relationship ending, it’s probably ok that she continues to spend some time with my son.  I have a natural barrier with that next weekend because we are in the mountains in a cabin with friends next weekend.  I’m just so excited.  It makes Saturday a walk in the park…  Or up a mountain.

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Approach

You have to approach a summit with care and planning.  Further, you have to recognize where you were and how far that you’ve come when you climb a mountain or simply make changes in your life.

I did a hike with one of my friends yesterday that I had not done in 5-years, and it is funny that I remember the last legs of it being very different than it was.  Some of it could be in part due to the fact that I did my first summit alone.  But, who really knows why it was so different yesterday than my memory of it was. Is it because I know how to watch and go forward with planning of my next steps?  Is it because it was my first and I’ve done 13 others now?  Is it because it’s just not all that scary and I’ve gotten accustomed to making summits? I don’t know. The metaphor is good though. I certainly haven’t always been careful or have I planned everything.

I know now what I seek, based on where I’ve been, and I’m good enough on my own not to engage in something that will yield nothing for me or my son.  I realize that is a selfish interest, but I try each day to give back and approach with good will everyone who I run into so as to share the gifts that I have, and express my gratitude.

I was sitting in a salon that is new to me to get an expensive as hell haircut last Tuesday night.  I was a little tired, and the new gay male stylist (new to me!) was running late.  I didn’t want to read the article that I knew I’d have to put in my proposal by three the next day, so I was half-heartedly looking at magazines on the table next to me but had not picked up any of them.  I saw a thick dining guide for our city and the neighboring university town.  I thought of my ex partner. She abuses alcohol, but when she is not drinking or just having one or two, she is the best companion over a meal or walking around looking at art. So?  I snapped a shot of the magazine cover and emailed her.  In it told her that when I see things like that, I miss her tons.  She didn’t get back to me until a day later, but we had an authentic, well-connected, and warm series of interactions.  I think that she is still in love with me.  Although, I was never actually in love with her, I love her like a friend and still do, but I wouldn’t want to ever get involved with a woman who is addicted to anything.

That’s a lesson yielded from this now 6-year journey of being single. There are times when you just need to push through lots of pain and there are times when you just need to sit and wonder.  I’ve had little hook-ups or stints that yielded nothing but that it is possible to eventually be able to have an orgasm from someone other than who you thought was the love or your life, and it’s good to learn to make red enchillada sauce from scratch.

There may be some things that you engage in too, that don’t yield much of anything. I just am.  I know that I will have a more complete family some time in the future.  I love yesterday and am grateful for climbing, connection, loving interactions with my son, and hearing him say to one of his good friends two Moms, “We are all going out then as a family.”  That innocence and pure love makes me hopeful for what the next legs of this journey shall bring.

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Weeding out

I sure am good at that!  I guess since I got so overextended for a couple of days, I had a small delusion that when this girl could get all her shit figured out and learn to parent on her own for some time that maybe we could date.  We exchanged some emails yesterday and I realized that we are on different planes of existence right now.  Plus, her kids are much like the kids who I work with, and not to sound like my most recent ex, but it wouldn’t be fair for me to expose my son to stuff like that.  She also told me a drunken story that happened this summer, and because of my old partner who moved, that is another thing that I would never expose my son and not myself to either.  I love microbrews because they taste great, and being a cook, I have a discerning palate so have beer preferences.  (I CANNOT drink the dog shit beers that my cousin does, for example.)  But, getting plowed is not something that I ever did much–unless, I was in a dark space.  So, again, no thanks.

So, no more flirting.  That is good anyway, because I’m not much of a cheater, which is kinda weird considering that I was married to a man for 9-years, but it usually just translated into my feeling an attraction toward a woman, and then avoiding her as if there was something bad that happened.  Well, there was.  I was plagued with my internalized homophobia being around her.  It’s not that I feel like I am above anything, because obviously I am not, which is evidenced by my letting inane flirtation just go and then wind up talking about sexual practices and other things, but I don’t want to invite in interactions that are 1) pointless, and 2) delays authentic interactions.  I don’t want complicated or someone who complicates things because of a variety of circumstances in her life.

I defend (initially) on Wednesday.  Therefore, I write all day today and have to make the observation rubric for my research as well.  I have feedback on it from my chair, but my other committee member must just be ready to give me my feedback during the defense.  That’s kinda scary, and I will only have four-days to make the revisions.  It’s just going to be a very busy week for me.  My poor son is not going to get much interaction from me this month, but then it will calm down.  Ultimately, given the shitty state of our economy, I will be lucky to have this particular degree completed so I can do side work that is pretty lucrative.  I’m waiting on a high-paying tutoring client as well to call me this weekend, so I will have weekly work for grocery money and such.

I have a new love.  My workout partner has been boxing in August.  She took me to a boxing class.  We did really fast-paced cardio stuff for some time and then different patterns that switched up all the time with punches and dodges.  It was amazing.  I have a membership to our regional and local centers, so I just googled which center has a boxing class.  I talked to the gentleman manning the desk and he found a class that works with my schedule twice a month!  So, Monday I go, and still have 40-minutes to get to work.  And it’s a ladies class 😉  I’m still holding out.  I’m picky, looking for both connection and passion, but given what I went through with my most recent ex, I also crave stable.  She’s out there.

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Sin

Now, I guess that I’m having an emotional affair.  Tuesday was weird because I was excited to get to see my son after I walked my dog, but he was pissy for a good twenty-minutes having been with his Dad for a long time.  I won’t get a normal schedule back with him for ten more days either.  This time is hard during his school year.  We fixed it all and had a good night.

Then, my ex has been doing things that I can construe as trashy.  She is having some kind of relationship with my cousin and apparently will also do so with my cousin’s kids.  When I confronted her about it via text, she sent me bizarre messages about how my cousin wants a friendship with her, but my cousin told me that my ex wants to have her as a friend.  So?  Let them both have some fucked up friendship.  It makes no sense to me, but I don’t need it to.  Now, I tend to think that my ex invites in fights and friction and what she always calls “tumultuousness.”  So, go do that.  I guess you need family members of your ex to do that, so knock yourself out.  I put nails in a coffin with that weirdness.

But, the messed up stuff is that the singer and I chatted nearly all Tuesday night.  About everything too.  I am almost 39-years-old and I have started an emotional affair.  There is this singer who I know, who has been flirting with me significantly for awhile.  She had talked about how gorgeous my son was at the end of June, and also then told me that he was my spitting image.  I skirted it pretty well.  I was in a low, low place on Tuesday.  It took 20-minutes to reconnect well with my son, I realized that my ex has serious problems that materialize anywhere that she feels that she can have some control over me, and this singer sent me the emoticon with the tongue out after I dropped off my son.  I said, “What is that for?”  And she said, “Because I can.”  And I said, “That is double entendre.”  And she said, “Absolutely!”  It was downhill from there.  And it was fervent and hot.  The interactions were all text, and the amount of time was nearly 3-hours.  I have no idea how she got away from her kids that long.  And her PARTNER.

I felt badly about it.  I know that she did too.  I don’t know.  Honestly, I can’t believe that I engaged in any of that shit.  I told her all kinds of things and she certainly did so with me.  It was a like a breaking point that began from the time that she and I first talked in February.  I knew that she was flirting with me, but it was odd, because I wouldn’t reciprocate.  I’m not even sure what the breaking point was for me.  I could feel something with her, but then at the end of June, I just knew that it was dangerous chemistry that I wanted to avoid.

Why didn’t I avoid it on Tuesday night?  What the fuck is wrong with me?  I can’t believe that I engaged in this kind of talk with a woman in a partnership.  I can’t think of a single thing that I didn’t talk to her about too, and it’s all inappropriate.  She is in a sexless, loveless partnership.  I am so single that I can’t believe it.  Ultimately, we have the fucked up timing.  She is a music afficionada who loves family, and being outside.  Fuck me.  I don’t get it.

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And I can be taught!

I want to meet up with one of my friend’s best friends, but she is another mother (dammit) so that makes scheduling a complete nightmare.  I want to grab a couple of beers with her and sit across the table with her and if I can feel it, I want to go on a long hike with her, and then, we shall see.  I love sequences and rules.  I have arrived at what will work for me, and know that these kind of things don’t work for everybody, but I wanted to write about what I have learned.

My new set came about in 2010 when I started having SERIOUS reservations about going exclusive with the girl I met in the bar in 2009 who turned out to be a complete alcoholic.  I kept asking her if she really believed that your FB or one-night stand could actually become your gf?  Maybe for a lot of girls, the answer is “Yes,” but mine filled me with such caution and I guess that I never fully believed if she had not moved that she would have kept our psuedo relationship open, and including the bi-curious str8 girl who she worked with.  I knew, definitively, that we would never be long-termers when my son and I tried to spend two weeks with her over Christmas.  At that point, I told my best friend from grad school that she and I just couldn’t ever be compatible.  The catches with her were the trips and plane tickets already bought and paid for in 2011.  I kept seeing her, and knew that I shouldn’t.  I talked to her about our shelf life all the time too, but that was dangerous to do with a drunk.

I realized that the way that you start out with a girl really does matter.  This particular ex used to tell me all the time, “Don’t fall in love with me,” and I never did.  I did begin to love her, but I feel love toward good friends as well.  It was terrible that she fell in love with me, because then she told me that I was her key to a stable and full life.  At that point, I was beginning my personal financial issues, and associated problems so she told me everything that I wanted to hear.  I was convinced.  For a time period anyway.

Now, I know, Lesson #1 The way that you begin a relationship, will be the way that the relationship ends

When I turned 37, I was so glad to be completely free of her, and had a plan when I would fly in October to the state where she now lived, and was thrilled that my best friend from grad school would pick me up.  I was on top of the world late that September.  So wonderful was it to be completely single, and I also found a church that I love and continue to go to. I figured that my next gf would grow from connections with those in my church community; however, upon reflecting on that idea, I realize that the congregation is too much older than me, and is also full of gay men, so that’s pretty unlikely.  I never expected to go to a BBQ and meet my most recent ex’s best friend.  It had only been about ten-days since I last slept with my ex when I exchanged emails with my most recent ex.  Honestly, I had sex several times with the drunk because I am pragmatic, and I figured that I would enter a long dry spell.  It turned out to be no dry spell and insta-relationship.  She seemed so different than the drunk that it just “felt right,” and as a consequence, I learned another big lesson.

Lesson #2 No matter how right a girl feels, you need to know her and hang out for awhile before sex

And after all, she is a top sales and marketing professional.  Those kind of folks live and breathe “closing deals,” “showing a side that appeals to others,” and “talking in ways that ignite emotions.”  All of it is a sales pitch, and does not have a shred of truth or authenticity.  I only wish that I had seen her talk to her employees prior to us sleeping together for a month!  That would have ended any amorous feelings that I had for her prior to the dopamine hits and the elixir of passion, which do highjack anyone’s mind.

My most recent ex was also the complete master of make-up / break-up.  She could do it so much better than anyone in the world, actually.  I don’t think that I will ever have another girl who I am interested in do push and pull so well.  So when this tiny girl reached across the guy that I was talking to at a friend’s going-away, I was given some pause.  This girl was INTO me.  That never changed and had not changed five-months ago when she called me and wanted to see me.

So we hung out for five-weeks.  I made her meals, bought her beers, talked and complained about my ex (who I was still very much in love with at the time), we climbed a mountain once, and talked to on the phone as well.  We dated for a little bit after I got drunk one night and was taken with how she knew word-for-word all the lyrics to any song at a karaoke joint.  I do like smart.  However, as her lies were being slowly revealed and she felt guilty about them, I began to see who she really was.  Actually, I think that she realized that I was back at work and that, then, she should be going back to work, but would not be doing so and I would be onto her games, so she just had to tell me.  I had arrived at my final lesson before 40 that I follow to this day.

Lesson #3 We need to hang out with each other’s friends

I want to know your friends, and you need to see the level of support and care that I provide to mine.  I love my friends, and am honestly one of those people who does everything for them.  I love connecting over music and food and going on outdoor adventures.  I laugh hard with my friends all the time and would have been a mess during this very long dry spell without their support as well.  They are honestly my family, and even when we disagree, we can move through conflict well and still have each other’s backs.

So, we shall see if we meet for beers.  I would like to start slowly and mindfully.  I met her in June, and have heard about her for over a year.  I know her best friend, and do outdoor stuff with her best friend’s partner who I adore.  It would be really simple for me to host a patio party in the next few weeks and have them and other friends at the party.  I can follow my rules

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Chemistry vs Compatibility

One time I saw a girl in a bar and we locked eyes and a killer, but unmistakable I-don’t-care-that-all-I-am-is-trouble smile spread across her face.  Having told my buddy that night who is now my roommate that my intention was to have a one-night stand, I was very glad to have had that greeting when she walked in.  That is chemistry.  I’m actually very adept at talking to a girl and knowing if we will have excellent sex.  I guess that when I don’t feel it, I don’t try, but I know when it will be sparks and fireworks.

You can’t really confuse sexual chemistry with long-term qualities though.  If you don’t have similar values and interests, you can actually wind up only really connecting in the bedroom.  I was talking to a friend on the phone today and told her that how you show up in the world also has much bearing on how long you can comfortably date another person.  I guess that as I begin my new round of screening with girls, I need to remember who I am.

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Not a shadow me

  1. I had a very odd dream last night. I had to go to the dermatologist, mainly because I had to use a restroom, and when I came into the office the girl (Derm) was intensely looking at me. You know that eye contact thing that means, “Hey, you are hot or otherwise intriguing.” My son had dropped some book pages in the gutter, so I was rounding them up, and then I found a way to rebind them and order the missing pages. So, I brought them into the doctor’s office so I could chat with her. She was not my type, but as my intern who had dinner at my house rather accurately said, “Some attention is good attention.” It is.

She put the newly made books on her shelf in the waiting room. She told me that she also had a DC license for chiropractic. I liked that she was smart. I think she was Peter Pan.

What if Peter Pan had been a doctor? I think that it would have helped. I don’t like being lied to about anything, and I really found it distasteful that she just let a lie run until way after she had slept with me a bunch of times. In general too, regardless of anything, when there is no magic and spark in a kiss, it doesn’t float my boat.

Scrubs reappeared. I guess we’ll ride bikes on Friday. I asked my intern if I should just do her. I don’t really want to though, and with over seven-months under my belt, no sex is well-practiced (sadly). She honestly has huge teeth and no upper lip. I think that it would be unpleasant to kiss her.

One of the women from the outing on Sunday and I have texted a little. We are in very different places in life. She is a couple of weeks younger than Scrubs, but the latter has a little kid like I do. This woman has a raised kid, a 14-year-old, and an 18-year-old and said that she is looking forward to having both of her kids out. We are just in too different places. Also, she mostly talks about sports and outdoor adventures. I’m a little arty and love music. I also used to read all of the time (pre-dissertation) and I love to write. So, I don’t really want a jock. I like other stuff too much. I also think that she is clearly in a different life space than I am.

Taking the boys hiking today to a real fire lookout. They should be stoked. I have to stop writing now and make a quiche. (I don’t buy piecrust.) I have exactly 6-days of my vacation left, but this year will be way less working. Years seem to go by fast right now. I don’t want to engage in things that make my time spent less valuable. I plan on a good hike and connected evening.

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Connection

To really connect is to be vulnerable and say it.  This concept does not mean that you tear somebody down, criticize, or make comments that are really designed either to 1) hurt, or 2) offer no way to have conversation.  I realize that I was caught up in a really good sales pitch for awhile, and it had nothing to do with actually knowing me.  Because I really wanted to work on it and push through, and because the intimacy was so hot, and well, intimate, I let myself be a doormat.  It was a wonderful experience, because it has brought me to where I am, and that is not dating again.

I could have slept with Scrubs.  I think that she likes flings.  I don’t, because they don’t personally work for me, and I’m seeking connection.  I could have been flirtatious with either one of one the girls who I met through the girl from the interior design store.  Having mentioned that, it’s also accurate that I could have picked up on her advances and could have said, “I’ll wait until you breakup with your partner.”  No thanks.  I suppose that many would have gotten a charge that she is 13.5-years younger than I am. That was some good non-dating information though, because it likely means that younger girls are into me.  If she was a totally different type of girl, meaning that she was mature, and stable, I would consider that after a long period of getting-to-know-you, because I probably don’t have any business carrying another kid, but I’d love one.

The girl from church, not Church Girl, but the one with the partner and kids has stopped flirting with me, I think.  She explained that she has cheated in every relationship that she has been in and won’t again, but that sounds like an interesting way to put it.  I told her that I had never cheated and that I would not start now.  One it isn’t something that wouldn’t haunt me, and two you’d break hearts.  I’m not that girl.

My sermon moved people.  I had people come up to me and cry in my arms.  I have a viral FB Wall and status where I wrote thanks.  I know that many will watch the YouTube recording too, and I decided to connect intimately with my church community when I spoke.  It was from the heart and was completely honest.  Although, it’s really easy for me to speak in public, and I do share personal experiences interacting with children and families, I have never told the story that I did from start to finish, and I know that no one ever heard it in that fashion because I have never even told my therapist.  It was good for me to personally connect with my audience, which included my own cousin who knew my brother well, and it helped me on my path of growth.

I don’t believe in doing anything without passion.  I now don’t believe in doing something in which you can’t really connect with another person.  That is why empty sex is not going to work for me anymore.  I don’t think that my process or opinion has any bearing on what other people should do, but I know where I am, and where I am going.

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Hang Time

We had an extremely busy weekend.  I did my last Boot Camp with my boss and also my workout partner before our crazy, dangerous obstacle half, and then went straightaway to a bday party for a girl in my son’s Hip Hop class, after that was pictures for recital and then we headed home.  My basement had flooded the night before so I cleaned it up, and then when I showered (Good Lord, did I need it.), I flooded it again.  I hope that it’s just the main sewer line that needs to be jetted.  I don’t have nine-grand laying around for a new sewer line.  Please!

Today after church I cooked a little and then packed it up and took it to a very busy park.  We picnicked, played frisbee, took two walks with our pup, and a hot mother played with my son and showed him how to throw and catch a football.  Str8 or not, she was really fun to talk to and had a great ass.  My friend who met us said, “Sad to see you go, but very fun to watch you walk away.”  Hahahaha!  It was cool, because my son was super snotty and moody and she heard him, and then said, “Sometimes I wonder why the alpha male woke up in the morning?”  I laughed and told her thanks and then when I came back, she had her son, who was probably five-years older than mine, ask him to play.  She and her brother-in-law played catch with him and taught him stuff.  I gave her a couple of cans of the craft beer that we were drinking.  She was appreciative, but perhaps not as appreciative as I was given that she played with my son a bit, and I could talk to my friend.  It’s so funny because the sermon today was on generosity and noticing it in others.  I noticed it.  She was a very compassionate and caring Mom.  Hot was just a bonus.

I’m pretty damn happy.  My friend had to move in because her girl and she are not quite ready to take the shack up plunge.  I think that I want to clean out my office and get another roommate.  When I have to start paying off this doc, I don’t want to have much debt.  With us making less every year at work, and health insurance for my son and I tripling, my debt sucks.  And when I do my post-doc, I’ll have to make nothing.  So, I think that I want to live with peeps for awhile.  It would be good for me, and perhaps for my son.  I’m going to put out the good roomie finder juju.  Just hanging out and doing things that float my boat.

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Remember

I went out last night and bullshitted with the bartenders and talked to one girl at length.  She was super butch, but funny and smart.  I enjoyed myself, went to the car with a spring in my step, and talked to my workout partner and then slept like a baby.  I have a job interview in just over an hour, so I need to pop in the car and then head up there.  One of the bartenders knew where I was interviewing, because his father used to work there.  I don’t subscribe to or endorse coincidences, so I thought that was cool.

There was a time a few short years ago when I’d leave the lesbo bar and would feel so badly.  I hated the way that I felt.  I believe now that most of it was because I thought that I should be with someone.  The thing is that I met Shane in a bar four-years ago on June 19th, and that yielded a summer of fun and then all kinds of weirdness after she fell in love with me, and I convinced myself that I should make something work.  Why make something work?  Those efforts are for 3-5 years down the road when stuff hits and you have to navigate it.

For argument’s sake let’s say that there was a super fit, light-eyed girl who was single who sat with me last night and we chatted.  We can go farther and say that she got my number.  I’d still be who I am now.  It would have been exciting and interesting, but I’d have figured that perhaps she was pissed at her girlfriend and went to the bar to make her jealous.  I also would have told her that we should meet for a bike ride sometime in the the next month.

Bette was so important to me for close to a year.  When she started her stuff of breaking up with me, and then really needing to sleep with me, and then engaging in fights with me, and then calling me or showing up to make plans for sex, I just kinda let my heart die.  That’s not the kind of love that I want.  It sounds a lot more like a relationship sponsored by the sensationalist and fear-based media in which anxiety prays on what I would lose without her, or how alone I would be if we didn’t talk.  I’m alone.  No one texts or pursues me.  I’m fine.  In fact, I know that girls who I know don’t contact me because they are not the right girl for me, or am I for them.

It’s good to come home and talk to a dear friend and go to sleep.  This friend of mine only gives advice when I ask, and we know many deep, dark secrets about each other.  I would never let those go in one direction.  I don’t fire questions at someone to get data, so I have a way to keep them needing me.  There is a genuine, open, and honest experience with others.  It’s authentic. That’s the path that I walk.

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Begging to be told

I have some little things floating around in my brain… I want to tell it and talk about what these random thoughts are percolating in my head that is probably mostly a consequence of only working part-time and adjusting to that schedule SUPER FAST. I went to pick up the girl who I wound up caravanning with on Sunday night and her niece was in the kitchen. This girl is more upperclass than what I’m used to and I think also comes from money, so although she was in scrubs, she said, “Would you like a beer?” I told her that would be something that I’d never decline. Her niece who had been watching me said, “You sound like my mother.”

I said, “Ew… That’s definitely a Top Ten List something that I don’t want to hear,” and I looked at her again, and said, “There is probably no way that I could be your mother.” Then she said, shudder, “My mother is sixty.” I took it wrong though. Without skipping a beat, I said that was perfectly charming. We laughed and started up a conversation with my date who opened the beer and handed it to me. Rich girls do have very good manners. I think that there must be a difference between those who come from money and those who have made money. Bette doesn’t have anywhere near that level of finesse. The present girl then said that she was heading upstairs to change.

Her niece kept watching me. When she did we talked easily. She asked how old I was, and when I told her that I was 38, she said, “You look good!” A little color rose to her face, and I figured she was about the age of a graduating senior, so I said, “Oh, remember, I’m 60,” and then I winked at her. She flushed more and continued to talk. She then asked if I was single, and I said, “Very. I haven’t even been with anyone in 6-months. It feels good to be on woman detox.” Then she said, “I should ask ____, about that because I’m pretty curious.” I said, “I think that it’s kids in your age group. They don’t really see sexuality as an issue at all, and then girls, in general are always socialized well; therefore, being allowed to touch each other and holds hands and such. It seems like a natural extension. But…” I had to glance at her a little more while she was casually drawing and sitting down across the counter in the kitchen from me, “I do think that you are straight.” Then she said, “But, I’m very turned on by women,” and again more color rushed to her face.

Ha. That is some good stuff. Here is a child 15-16 years my junior who is all torqued up talking about women with me. I had this rebound thing last summer with Peter Pan when I was 37, and I found that her 31 was waaaaay too young. I highly doubt that any 23-year-old would hold an appeal for me, but it was fun, and it was interesting. I think that I need to grab a drink tonight. I have a damn job interview at 9:30 tomorrow morning, so I will have to take the boy to my folks’ house so I can do that. (I’m still not sure what I’ll be doing for supervision next school year.) I’m going to go out a bit and maybe even bar hop. I need to let these musings in my mind and body have a little life in them. 😉

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More See Saw

Dammit.  I was at my son’s End-of-the-Year Picnic when the Director of the Day Treatment called.  He said that he doesn’t know if he can get me adequate supervision next fall and spring.  I got upset and came home and did two applications, which wound up taking over two-hours.  In fact, it may have been 2.5 hours.  Lovely.  I’ll meet with him tomorrow.  My current supervisor will conference in on the call, which will be helpful.  We shall see.

I need a new nickname for the girl previously termed as “Lonely Girl.”  She is just like the rest of us, and doing the best that she can with what’s she’s got.  Honestly, she is newly divorced.  She and her partner have only been split for two-years and some change.  That is not enough time to get clarity with what you want, or how to co-parent divorced.  That takes time.  My ex and I have been not living together for nearly six.

I wanted to pick her up, but she was on call, so we caravanned.  My friend and she were from the same town, so that was a good connection for her.  She kept saying how cool they were.  My friend’s partner and she are in the same industry; therefore, she really liked them both given that she had something in common with each of them.  I do have great friends.

I don’t know.  She gives good hugs.  I had a date with a jailbait girl who I refer to as “Church Girl” last summer and I liked her hugs.  They are the same sign too.  I like water signs.  They have a good damper for my personality.  I just want to see what transpires.  What is meant to happen will.

I still like her dimples, and was very excited that she also wore a skirt (Well, mine was actually a skort, but hey!), and that I got to see her legs.  I want to meet some of her friends, I want to cycle with her and hike, and I want my workout partner to meet her.  Maybe we are each other’s wingmen.  Maybe we will be on a couch someday and start kissing.  I don’t know and trust that what is meant to be, will just develop.

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Busiest Sat

What didn’t I do yesterday?  I dropped my dog off at Day Care, ran a mile and quarter with one of my bosses, I did my typical Boot Camp, but we had a sub, I watched my son play soccer, I went shopping for groceries, I heard back from one of the therapists, as I plan on referring one my clients out for specific treatment, I got 3.5 inches of my hair chopped, I cleaned myself up, I had some water and met the Scorpio, I ran my 5K with a colleague and her friends, and then I had two beers with the bday entourage.  I have to write after church today, and I have to walk my dog before I go.

The Scorpio was back with her ex, so I was very careful about talking to either of them.  She touched me twice, and then her gf took her into the bar on the side, and when they returned, she didn’t touch me again.  When they left–which was way after the 5K was done and they had remained at the bar, she walked over to me and said, “It was really nice to meet you,” so now I do know that my colleague who had a bday told her that I said that she was cute.  She’s very cute.  We had that eye contact thing as we shook hands the last time, and a huge smile spread across my face.  We shall see how long she stays like her ex this time.  Again, that sounds like me.

I ran into a woman who I hadn’t seen in five-years.  I had only recently taken her phone number out of my phone.  Her gf was very cute.  She has lots of relationships, and I always think that it’s funny that I’ve dated so much too, but that is exactly why I plan on slowing down right now.  I honestly don’t want to force anything.  I want to see how girls are with their friends–I got good data on that last night with Scorpio–and I want to do stuff together first with any love interest.  I don’t even know what I would have done with my ex except hang out outside with our boys, eat dinner, and take a night walk.  I guess that we did listen to music sometimes, but often that was when we were having sex.  We had an insta-relationship.  No thanks.  That doesn’t work.  It also has not worked for me to just start having sex.

I really didn’t do that though with the last woman who I had sex with–not meaning my ex.  Peter Pan and I hung out, listened to music, ate meals together, did a summit, and talked very easily.  I was very bothered by the way that she said that she would have to be beaten by her brother to get him out of her parents house (One of her brothers is an addict.), that she lied about her career and then rolled with it, her over attachment to her roommate, and because she had a mythology about her being the most easy person in the world, she was beyond reproach.  I just wanted to have sex after karaoke one night, so I did.  Also, it did help damper the feelings that I had for my ex.  However, I did that right with delaying sex.  I did so for 7-weeks, but she lacked integrity in general.  The thing that I missed was my other new rule, and that is hanging out with friends together.  She has one guy friend who she plays golf with, and then her roommate who is straight, but her bf works out of town all the time.  So, I think that Peter Pan already had a gf, and it’s her straight roommate.

Again, there was no one of interest at the bar.  Everyone really drinks too heavily for me and others seem cliquey and phony.  I had one good conversation with a girl from the east coast who came in on an ancient Schwinn.  The bar owner who I have known for six-years helped her take it downstairs and then she gave me a tour of the whole place.  It is really cool and is definitely the best bar that she has ever run in our city.  She gave me pink boy briefs with the bar names on the crotch, so I put them over my running pants and wore them all night.  This girl on the ancient bike was good friends with Scorpio, so that was good, because Scorpio heard me making her laugh hard.  We shall call this girl Cruiser.  She was smart, but not cute, but could maybe be a good friend.  I’m going to friend her today.  Late that night, I brought her bike up from the basement and she said, “Wow, that’s impressive.”  I assumed because I just carried it up the stairs and lightly placed it right by the door instead of rolling it up, she was surprised.  I hope that Scorpio saw that too 🙂

I’m doing very well single. I know that when I network it’s good.  I want to get my dissertation done and work privately more all summer.  These paycuts from the day job have really messed me up financially.  I know that I’m getting my feet back under me and my heart healed.  I’m well on my way and have not ever actually felt this balanced.

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Driven

What is it with all the driven people?  I had a massage this morning because these last two weeks at work have actually been a pile of shit from which I can’t wait to come through, and my therapist, who has been rubbing my act for 10-years told me that with our trail (We live blocks apart.) all torn up that the cyclists are getting on his nerves.  I made the analogy of marathoners and avid roadbikers and determined that they are both zealots, prior to drifting off into the land of stream of consciousness and no voluntary movement.

I’m fit.  Quite so for my age, but I would never run all the time or would I bike until I dropped.  I, frankly, have waaaay too many other things that I’m interested in doing with my time and seek balance.  Plus, I’m not driven to the degree where I live under a misapprehension that I can perfect my body or bench 150-pounds.  Well, I would feel badass if I could do the latter, but would never do 3-sets of 15 of those.  I would like to add some heavy stuff to my day C and just have to buy one of the counselors from work lunch at a soul food place for that 😉  Oddly, he is my ex’s type and actually lives just miles from her…  Small world in which we reside.

We run our family 5K tomorrow.  I hope that my ex doesn’t decide to run it with her son and dog.  Frankly, it’s her neck of the woods.  It really doesn’t matter.  I’ll embrace her, choke back tears when I hold her son, and she’ll clap me on the back–“Way to go, pal.”  So, gross.  A woman who is worth TONS of money, raised a couple of kids, and now is single parenting her own, but can’t be even slightly vulnerable.  This woman who sat in her red, wool coat all night buttoned to the top until she left without saying goodbye when we attended an event that was honestly in the memory of her father.  So driven, yet in the opposite vein, one who runs from raw emotion with the exception of when she makes love.  I’ll never understand her and know that I really don’t know her.

I vow never to be like that.  I don’t want to appear cold.  I’m not formidable, nor am I impervious.  Although I am driven to make a better life for my son and I, I do believe that true love is rare and connection means everything.  Here is to you, sweet girl, wherever you are.  I know that you’re out there and one of my drives to see you; although, I don’t know you or have I yet seen you.

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Dinking around

The biker doesn’t have a gf, but I don’t think that I should fly far away just to hang out with her and have sex.  Although I could really use some sex, and believe me, I could, I don’t think that something just for the sake of doing it is a good idea.  We all have patterns.  I don’t want to go back to mine.

My last relationship was different, and I think that it is simply because I’m at a different level with respect to what I know that I do honestly want.  Just hooking up when some girl is available, or having a here and there long distance fling is not ultimately what I’m seeking.  I was different and in the end I was more heartbroken afterward because I thought that my ex and I would work through our constant fights–actually saying her jumping my shit all the time and me being in shock is more accurate–and then we’d raise our sons together.  That was a fantasy though, because she goes off on everyone, and I have left my childhood behind.  I don’t need a woman to alternately complain and yell at me.

In that song “Detours” by Sheryl Crowe she seeks someone who is awake, and while I do that, I’m not destroyed as a result of my last breakup.  She also wishes to love with a “paper thin heart.”  While the slow, year long death tore me up, and I cried a whole bunch last fall, I am not altered in terms of my ability for passionate and intimate love.  With the turn of this calendar, I have not shed a single tear and we will be midway through this year before long.  I have definitely changed though.  I didn’t know her.  I had written to church girl and I told her that I don’t want to get caught up in the land of dopamine and the elixir of passion before I truly know who a woman is.  My ex and I got sexually involved after just under two weeks, and honestly I knew that she pushes away when she thinks that someone is being casual to her.  I ignored it.  Now, I’d be less likely to ignore something weird like that, but I want to have open exchanges about how a girl fights.

Describe for me, your temper?  Is a a slow, burning kind of thing and then you finally release?  Do you fly off the handle a lot and are you easily irritated?

Have you fought with a good friend?  How did you work through it?

I used to be really hotheaded.  I’m just not like that anymore and it’s rare for me to raise my voice.  I never raised my voice at Shane–not once.  Although I must admit that she and I had that free and easy dynamic wherein we sat quietly.  In fact, she would have a soliloquy for sometimes up to two-hours because I was the only one that she talked to, and I was like a captive audience.  She didn’t ask me any questions, and I was finally glad for her to simply shut up.  I wound up really missing my friends too when I was with her for two-weeks, because we have an even talking and speaking exchange.  Some of my friends do irritate me, and if talking about it doesn’t resolve, I just take space from them.

I need to admit that I have not ever resolved conflict well with a lover.  I need to work on fighting well in my next relationship.  I know what good communication is when you fight, and when Shane was completely sober, which was rare, we could talk through things.  However, the resolution never involved her compromising with me.  It was her decision.  So, in that way I have improved.  I won’t allow a girl to bowl me over and make decisions for me either.

I think that I’m just done dinking around.  I probably won’t go home with anyone at the party in 10-days.  I may not even get any phone numbers.  I think that more than likely, I will just have some fun and laughs.  I don’t want to go back to hooking up, and I don’t want to second guess my instincts with a woman who doesn’t want to compromise either.

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4

I like Astrology.  I don’t have much use for anything past an ascendent, but I think Sun, Moon, and Ascendent are cool, and of course, I do think about Venus placement right now too, but I don’t think much of the other planets in daily stuff.  Anyway, in the summer time when my ex was planning her coup (Meaning that she was ready to sleep with me after a three month hiatus.) she said that her soul number was 9 and that mine was probably 9 too based on Astrology and bday and stuff.  It’s not. It’s 4.  Apparently, you get along best with your soul number when it’s the same or if you’re even, being with another even number.

I had some weird stuff transpire on Tuesday and a friend of mine gave me some immediate feedback.  In the end, she had seen a sign off of a road with the word, “Fair” on it, and the first date of the fair was her Mom’s bday, and the second date of the fair was the day that she was in surgery to save her Mom’s life. (Her mother did not live.)  Later she sent me a HeyTell at 4:44 having no idea that 4 is my number and said that she was thinking of that sign “Fair” and that she was between two cars.  One was 444 in the number section, which her Mom always said is an angelic number, and the one behind her was 999.  So, I don’t think that it is time to do the “friends” card with my ex.  Some day, maybe, but right now I just don’t want any of her energy and definitely not her non-emotional, rational, and combative self that she is championing at this point in time.  She is on her own path.

So, I had an incredible day yesterday.  I had to confront a colleague about her insensitivity and general lack of professionalism.  I had to give a parent a good news, bad news scenario about her 11-year-old in terms of ability and possible diagnosis.  My client who really needs to (by her own admission) stay consistent with her counseling just skipped session without so much as a text.  And, I ran a 5K on the treadmill.  My heart rate average was 160 as well.  I also was able to talk to my workout partner for the duration, so I have built up some endurance.  I would like to run outside on Sunday, so I’m going to with her.  I have not ever done pavement–well, not since 6th grade.  Our family 5K is next Sunday.  Our dog is so crazy that I’ll have to get in a zen place with her darting and beg the nature Gods not to put a rabbit in our path.

It sure is rare to be a licensed psychologist in the area where I work.  I’ll probably have to leave, which is just part of my journey.  It’s inconvenient, and will involve probably my getting on the road thirty minutes earlier than I do now, which will be challenging for my son, but I think that it’s time for me to move on to a place where I can get settled.  I also have to complete this doc, so it’s the last step.  I will need to stay put though, if they complete my training.  That sounds like I’m becoming a Jedi…  I wonder what Yoda’s soul number was?

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Recipe

I think that I have a list of deal-breakers.  I read an entry this morning while I was waking up, which gave me a good idea for writing. The author explained that many blogs are about the writer’s ideas and is her or his platform.  Having realized that I have written for five years about dating (one of which is in this blog), I thought that a post regarding deal breakers was appropriate this morning on a day that I have to work 12.5 hours.  Here are the things that yield:

You are not my life partner

1)  You cook like a pig

  • When she makes you a “special” meal and treats your kitchen like a war zone and the top of your stove and cookware like a dartboard, she is probably not your life partner.  Respecting the area where you make meals is key to her approach to many things in this life, and breaking bread and sharing food is often good foreplay.

2)  You don’t sleep worth shit

  • You can’t be with someone who doesn’t sleep much or is so high strung that she wakes up all the time or tosses and turns.  Even on a King sized bed, you will sense this unrest and it will prevent you from getting much sleep, and long-term, it will ensure that you have shitty sleeping patterns even on your non-conjugal nights.

3)  You don’t eat what I eat

  • Drop the phone, and it’s not what I meant; although, I do have opinions about that, it is not the purpose of Item #3 in this list.  I think that people with weird diets or those who eat things that have 27 ingredients because they fear weight gain as if it’s a cliff with zombies chasing you, won’t really be your life partner.  Sharing a meal can be a great time for conversation and connection, and if you have to take out good things that feed your mood and provide you with fullness, it’s going to be a long haul.

4)  I have premeditative thoughts when we travel together

  • If she trashes out the sink, doesn’t pull up the covers and strews shit all over the hotel room when you travel, she expects “help” and probably just cleans up her place when you visit.  This is her game day face and maybe there isn’t enough alcohol in the world to continue to date her.

5)  You live like a Rock Star

  • Girls who party hard every weekend and want to lay in bed until 11 half-assed sleeping tend to depress people who have to / want to do something productive with their weekends.  Someone who smells like a distillery each morning and can’t string together sentences until late afternoon or evening on Saturdays is probably not someone who you plan to champion around your friends.

6)  When you speak, many recoil and others exhibit the “must run away” look

  • We all know these girls (and sometimes perhaps guys).  These are the ones who actually force you to listen to them and talk over people or do so in a loud voice that says, “Look at me, and I have wonderful things to say, but when you speak, I will say, ‘Uh huh, uh huh,’ and will nod like a bobble-head in an Oldsmobile that is driving way too fast, so I can quickly talk again.”

7)  The sound of your voice doesn’t give me chills, pause, or make me hot

  • Even if you are stellar in the sack, there is something about the sound of a woman’s voice, and it should, to you, be pretty damn sexy even when you are not in the act.

8)  I never laugh around you

  • Life is short.  Few things are serious.  Laughter creates all kinds of beneficial things for our bodies and souls.  If you can’t laugh with your girlfriend, you will change your outlook on your days and even hours.

9)  Kids?

  • Oh the proverbial dichotomy!  You either want to raise them or you don’t.  I come from the school that NEVER asks, “So when are you going to add kids?”  Let’s face it, it’s another full-time job and there are plenty of people who keep mental health service providers in business, so don’t feel obligated to cave or vacillate on what will really change your whole life.

10)  I have been with you six-months and don’t know any of your family or friends

  • If you haven’t met anyone, there are only two possible explanations.  She is really not into you, or she has no social circle.

That’s my lessons yielded.  This entry is my platform.  Would love to hear comments or what you don’t agree with in this entry.

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A little dangerous

My weekend was good all and all.  My friends made us a simply wonderful dinner on Saturday night and hanging with them is always incredible.  I have great friends.  My son got too tired from all the activity on Saturday, so he was a bit grouchy and annoying on Sunday, but today he made up for it.  I love watching his dance class.  I have only rarely missed it–like maybe four times in a year.  He talked my ear off all night otherwise, we had a wonderful dinner and our house is clean and nearly all organized.  I also made a helluva dent in my dissertation shell today.  All very good.

The weekend had a small thing come up…  I was with only one of the girls who made me a dinner a couple of weeks ago (It was the one who actually cooked.) over on Sunday.  She hung out with me for about three-hours too.  I wish that she wasn’t 5’8″, hot, and smart.  We laughed.  She played with my son–which would NOT be occurring if she was a love interest–and we took a walk around the pond and then she did the cutest thing…  She asked to swing with me.  Damn.  Can you say, “CONTRAST?”  So sweet and tender.  It is a bit worse because although I’ve known her a little less than a year, it feels like more because one of my best friends (who now lives in another state) is her BFF.  We just gel and click and I’m so comfortable with her.

I told two friends today that means that I can’t really hang out with just her again.  And, I won’t.

Now, I just really do need a distraction.

I ran finally tonight.  I don’t know how long it’s been since I actually worked out at all.  I’m drinking chicken broth with garlic and cayenne currently.  I could only run a little over a mile.  I had some wicked coughing fits today.  Tomorrow is my A weights, which is probably my least favorite day of the week, so “Yay, me!”  It’s really nice not to have clients tomorrow.  I have to work tomorrow night, but will score and write a report after my son goes to bed.  I don’t have to be away from him which is very nice.

That’s it.  A dirty confession.  Given that I was raised Catholic, it actually makes me feel like shit, but I have never cheated and am not going to start at 38-and-a-half.

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Weekend is nearly here

I’m so glad that it’s Friday.  I guess that I will have to get antibiotics–I don’t think that I’ve had this kind for sickness since 2003–if the cough is still here and bad on Monday.  I haven’t done any exercise at all less some walking and it sucks.  I know that you shouldn’t have this much gunk and not sleep through the night in a week, but I hate doctors and medical intervention in general.  I will have to go though, if the weekend is like the week has been on the health front.  There are times of day when I can’t complete sentences without coughing.  I swim with my son at a bday party on Saturday afternoon, and then two Moms who have a son are making us dinner.  That makes for a good Saturday.  Sunday is busy because I have to do the announcements at church, so I have to get up really early because my friends who I had dinner with last month are coming to the eleven service with me.  I think that one of my best buddies and her neighbor are as well.  I may have to make extra brunch food on Sunday morning in case they want to come over afterward as well.

I’m happy and balanced.  I had one of those weird shifts on Wednesday night and I wrote in pen about my relationship history.  Over the last six-years, I have been with six different women in some fashion of trying to see if a relationship was possible.  I was with Shane for two-years–she wanted to marry me–and with Bette, I guess, for a year and some change.  I guess, because I slept with Peter Pan when Bette and I didn’t see each other during the summer.  Sometimes I’ve been with girls for two months, and another time, I have been with a girl for two years.  Before Bette and I reconnected, I had my eight or nine day thing, but it was a Fix-me-Ms.-Rebound.  Sadly, that worked, and I don’t want that right now.

A very good friend of mine is on the “I don’t want a relationship bus,” right now and has been going on dates.  She had fallen in love with a guy last year, and it turns out that he sleeps with all kinds of different women and is unlikely to ever move from a neighboring state.  She shed a lot of tears over him and really wanted to be his #1.  They have great conversations.  Now, she just sleeps with him when he’s in town visiting his children, and when she leaves town to visit her sister and nieces, but her heart isn’t involved.  That seems like a safe thing really.

I took a walk with a friend last night while my son played in the park.  We just made loops so we could supervise him.  I talked about wanting to meet tons of girls to chill with and maybe to expand my social circle.  I don’t know about my winter of celibacy moving into spring or not.  My friend is really funny, and logged into my laptop and started reading a Strictly Platonic ad on Craigslist.  It said something to the effect of, “Hey, let’s meet up and if something develops that’s great too.  I’m an Aquarius, and I can quickly piss off a Virgo…”  I cracked up, and she was confused.  I said, “That’s what I am!  And that is true.  Look how long my son had his Nerf gun before he destroyed the inner workings of the housing with sand.”  I do things the conventional way, and my son does things any way and argues about strange things.  I don’t think that I have ever said, “I’m not going to engage in this.  I care too much,” more than I did last night.  He is a nut.  I love him, but wouldn’t want anything like that in female form.

It’s funny because church girl said that she is loving being single and not tending to a relationship.  I like this time of silence as well, and can take care of stuff for school and clinical hours without having to explain my schedule.  However, being an extrovert, I’d be fine with meeting up for dinner, hikes, movies, beers, biking, or day trips with new girls.  I’m doing a microbrew and food sampling fest next Saturday.  I’m not going with friends either, and just will probably start at the bar and the mosey about some.  I’d like to do a film festival with discussions too.  I may do some Meetups at some point.  I just have zero interest in dating sites.  People tell you what you want to hear, and really just want to get laid.  Not to be arrogant, but if I stay around a bar until 1, I can do that any night of the week, but that’s just not what I’m seeking anymore.  Frankly, connection has become too important to me.

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Ready, set

I saw the best thing early this morning when I woke up to have a coughing fit.  It was one of those Venn diagrams, which are often touted by educators, but it has three overlapping circles with “self” inside of it.  It was in a blog.  I had to post it.  Captions at the tops of each of the circles talked about what people need from people in their lives.  I’m paraphrasing here, because I closed my social media site after posting it–after all I’m in the mode to unplug except for this activity.  Self included: people who always make you smile, people who always teach you something new about the world, and people who you want to spend the rest of your life with, which applied to self, which was actually the word “you” on the diagram.  That’s it.

I’m pairing down.  I only kept non-close people in this first round of unfriending from my church community, because you do see them every Sunday, and could wind up cleaning up their yards and doing food drives for them.  Plus, not to be homocentric, but it’s something that I’ve noticed over the last 18-months, they would do anything for my son.  Tons would show up if he were sick, and probably some of them who I have never said a word to or even made eye contact.  I think because many of them never wound up having kids, they love the few kids who attend church.  Some of them know who I am too.  As an example, a guy and his boyfriend grabbed me as I was exiting the large liquor store that is part of the local grocery store that I use.  He said, “We go to your church.  We love to hear you read.”  I don’t think that I’ve mentioned prior that I have a husky, radio voice.  No clue who this guy is.  But, connection would be extended in the other direction if he or his bf were sick or something.  You help people in your community.

I don’t want former colleagues who don’t keep up with my son on there.  I don’t want people who don’t have similar values on there.  I don’t want any exes on their except for my second girlfriend, who I lived with for three years in college.  She is barely bi.  I am the only woman who she has had sex with, and she has two kids, a straight marriage, a great career, and lives 350-miles away from me, because I went to college out of state.  She also relentlessly teases me, has known me 20-years this fall, and will “get” me on some levels that new people just won’t.  Of course, my ex-husband is also on there, but shit, I’ve known him 19-years this fall, and we share a child.  He doesn’t really get himself on the whole, but he is part of my life.  My ex-gf from college falls in the “make me smile,” and “someone who I want to spend the rest of my life with.”

Church girl never wrote back.  I recall, I believe that she promised to call after our first date as well, and never did that–although, I did have to cancel our second date.  I don’t think that she’s consistent.  That’s something that I am.  I’m also willing to work hard and see things through.  Please recall that I wrote the apology to her more for me, because I wanted her to know what truly was bad timing and that I believe she will have peace, prosperity, and a wonderful girl in the future.  Her first partner died.  I don’t know how.  But, we are not dating, and I made my honest, authentic olive branch.

My ex cannot always make me smile.  Mostly because interactions with people is chess with her.  She must control all moves.  My ex taught me 4 new lessons about the world.  I thanked her for those the before the last time that I saw her.  My ex is not someone who I want to spend the rest of my life with.  I’m glad that we dated, she left good lessons for me, but I don’t want to see her or seek her out.

I’m really ready to move forward.  I’m so good on my own and can chill with friends in three to four hour intervals any day of the week.  They are my family.  I have a beautiful son.  Our dog is very sweet.  I have kept my house and my car and have stayed afloat amidst pay cuts and huge health insurance hikes.  I’m set for a future, and very much looking forward to the next steps on this journey.

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Steps

So, I don’t think that the girl from church will go out with me.  That’s fine, because I probably present to her like a cautionary tale.  Let’s rewind.  After the tragedy that took place this summer, we were at a prayer service together.  That’s because on occasion, I had been looking at her across church and I thought that she was cute, but at the time, which was last spring, I was trying to sort out my shitty relationship, but was still very much in love with my ex. Post-it note that one.  It’s an important key to me and who I am.

This past summer I did not sleep with my ex.  In fact I did not sleep with my ex for three months, and then we reconnected for two months and slept together outside of the context of relationship until winter began.  I have been single (COMPLETELY) this winter.  I am proud of that, because I have mindfully and with lots of reflection moved through our break-up.  I have also gotten to a point wherein I am not consciously looking for anyone.  I honestly believe that a girl will cross my path.

Flashback to summer: After the regular church service ended, I talked to this girl finally.  We had a good conversation, and then she told one of the transgirls in the congregation and one of her good friends that she was going to sit with me.  We attended a prayer service.  I had been sleeping with Peter Pan a bit, but when her bullshit / lies unraveled and she got clingy, I told her that this was not the stuff of slow, getting to know you dating.  I bounced.  So, I figured since I did, I’d ask out the girl from church.  I did.

We had a great first date.  We walked from church to a neighboring park.  We ate homemade pasta salad and summer fruits and drank sparkling water.  We walked around the park several times, and unfortunately she got blisters 😦  Then I walked her back to her car and told her that I’d like to see her two weeks from now and have a drink.  At the time, I didn’t know that she was a recovering alcoholic.  I don’t know all of her story; although, I do know a lot about her.  Anyway, I told her that I had a great time, and then I embraced her.  She pulled me closer and then pressed her abdomen on mine.  I’m pretty sure that she wanted me to kiss her, but Peter Pan took a lot out of me the month before.  I no longer trust girls who I don’t know.  I pulled away–I didn’t even put my face in her neck–and then she grabbed my bicep and also ran her hand down my arm.  That was clear.

Then, my ex did a powerplay that week and came down for dinner so we could “talk.”  Fuck?  Yes.  I tried really hard those two months, and didn’t talk to the girl from church on the phone again until October.  She also knows that my ex has historically driven me nuts.  She probably won’t go out to dinner with me.  I get it.

I really don’t need any friends.  There are several who I miss so much and who I don’t get to see.  One of whom has four kids, and is really the sole supporter of them, so I really do have to come to her.  I don’t though.  I haven’t seen her since October either.

Back to one of my values.  I’m monogamous.  Shane was not when I met her, and honestly that didn’t matter all summer that we had sex.  At that point in my life–I was newly out and 34–I didn’t care to have a girlfriend and just wanted an FB.  Sleeping with Shane has lots of benefits.  She gives, which is unique for a woman like me who had two str8 girl gf’s as a adolescent.  And she is very good at what she does.  However, once you have slept with Shane for some time, it gets perfunctory.  It always works because Shane is after all pretty much a sex addict, but it lacks spontaneity and connection.  The sad thing about Shane is that she always used to say to me, “Don’t fall in love with me.”  She said that all summer and then for about four months that winter that we reconnected.  However, she stopped saying it when we went to NM.  Because she fell in love with me.

That was pretty consuming.  To have Shane fall in love with you!  So, I tried with her, because I am monogamous and because having a girl like that fall for you certainly gave me lots of pause.  Plus, she told me in NM that I was the best lover that she ever had.  She still says that to this day, and talks about missing our sex life.  I won’t ever sleep with her again, because we were really just a summer fling.

I didn’t care who Shane was sleeping with the summer that we met.  Later in winter when she reconnected with me on NYD and told me, “I’ve missed you so much.  I have never stopped thinking about you,” I thought that we could just date.  No, Shane also loved the love triangle.  I told her in a letter the following summer (after we had known each other a year) that she really liked juggling two women, and that it was highly unlikely that you could meet your one in a bar.  I wrote, “You liked the Pepsi Challenge of the triangle.  I.E. “Let me service her, and then get my needs met.”  She didn’t like that and just went off on me.  That’s my thing really.

If I say something to a girl that is my belief, why can’t she just say, “I get that you see it that way, and here is my perspective.”  I even talked to Bette about my trying hard, but it was not enough because it left her feeling that I had zero compassion.  That’s her perspective.  My being the sole driver, making meals, tending to her boy occasionally (I love him so much.) while she showered or whatever, making pictures, writing out cards, and just shutting up and holding her was not enough.  To her, I lacked compassion, was creepy, negative and selfish.  Although, I don’t get why she’d feel that way about me, but I do honor that is her perspective of who I am.  In that case, it means that we should not have a connection anymore.  I don’t know anyone who thinks that when I make efforts, that is who I am.

I have taken to writing to a mystery girl in pen at night before I go to bed.  I’d like to meet a new girl.  So, I write about good hugs, good conversation, passion, and connection.  I don’t write about good conflict resolution skills, but I think that those are of value too.  Can you call in your one by putting out intentions to her?

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Doy

I don’t mean I give, but I’m pretty much a top, so I guess it has double-meanings.  I can go out on a date again with the child.  My friends keep telling me that she is not a child, but 28 does freak me out, but I’ll just get over it.  I’ve seen her for over a year, and have talked to her since last July, so it fits my “know well” thing.  Plus, she wrote, “How about a juicy mango?” on my status last week.  Hello?  I talked to her yesterday and we had ease in conversation and then when I got to my practicum site I said, “Can I take you out to dinner next Saturday night?” and she said, “That sounds good!  I’ll check my schedule and get back to you.”  We’ll go to a trendy spot in a gentrified area just north and west of downtown, and I’ll tell her a start time, so we have two cars.  If the convo is good, I’ll walk her to her car and hug her again.  If she grabs my bicep again, I’ll finally kiss her.  I’ve known her eight months.  So, I do have a girl I can date.

Bette HeyTelled yesterday morning, and at the end of it she said, “Are we going to be able to be friends?”  So, I just called her.  I talked to her about various things and then she posed the question again, and I said, “You know, _____ , I originally just wanted to be amiable when I could feel your new girl’s energy and realized that you couldn’t say such mean things to me unprovoked if there wasn’t another moving right in.  But now after seeing you, it gets convoluted.  I just wanted us to be cool on the off chance that we see each other out and about, but now…  So, I just need to take time.  I’m quick at work, and in fact, my colleagues always say, ‘There is ______ , on a mission!” but in my personal life I am not like that.  I rely on observations and need lots of them to make decisions.  Last night was just too convoluted.”

Then she said, “Well, the ball is really in your court, and you’ll need to contact me.”  I said, “_____ , that could be years.”  And she said that was ok.  About a half an hour later she apologized for ever hurting me and indicated that she really meant it.  Then she texted again and said that she loves me and that I still have a significant piece of her heart.  I texted, “Thank you.  I love you too.”  And I do.  I fell completely in love with her and she was a critical part of my journey.

However, I really need to date.  I don’t know if it’s feasible to date a whole bunch of women, because I am away from my house a minimum of 11-hours daily getting things done.  I don’t have time or a method to meet lots of girls.  However, I’m NOT having sex next weekend.  I think that the end of the month is a good idea for that.  Because then it has been nearly four-months since I have, and that is always a good marker for me to rid another girl’s energy from me.  I don’t want her to feel Bette when we do connect if it proceeds that way.  I know that she wants to, and that she wanted to make out on the street when we had our date in August.  Slow build up this month seems good.  She is not Peter Pan either and has always told me the truth.  We should be good.  At least it’s a fun prospect, and I’ll just get over her age.

Such a strange path.  My shrink is right, and you certainly cannot bend the river.  I don’t want to, and am ready to float down, while I can appreciate and avoid fervor or rapids.  Canoe seems good.