Tag Archives: Dating

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Weekend is nearly here

I’m so glad that it’s Friday.  I guess that I will have to get antibiotics–I don’t think that I’ve had this kind for sickness since 2003–if the cough is still here and bad on Monday.  I haven’t done any exercise at all less some walking and it sucks.  I know that you shouldn’t have this much gunk and not sleep through the night in a week, but I hate doctors and medical intervention in general.  I will have to go though, if the weekend is like the week has been on the health front.  There are times of day when I can’t complete sentences without coughing.  I swim with my son at a bday party on Saturday afternoon, and then two Moms who have a son are making us dinner.  That makes for a good Saturday.  Sunday is busy because I have to do the announcements at church, so I have to get up really early because my friends who I had dinner with last month are coming to the eleven service with me.  I think that one of my best buddies and her neighbor are as well.  I may have to make extra brunch food on Sunday morning in case they want to come over afterward as well.

I’m happy and balanced.  I had one of those weird shifts on Wednesday night and I wrote in pen about my relationship history.  Over the last six-years, I have been with six different women in some fashion of trying to see if a relationship was possible.  I was with Shane for two-years–she wanted to marry me–and with Bette, I guess, for a year and some change.  I guess, because I slept with Peter Pan when Bette and I didn’t see each other during the summer.  Sometimes I’ve been with girls for two months, and another time, I have been with a girl for two years.  Before Bette and I reconnected, I had my eight or nine day thing, but it was a Fix-me-Ms.-Rebound.  Sadly, that worked, and I don’t want that right now.

A very good friend of mine is on the “I don’t want a relationship bus,” right now and has been going on dates.  She had fallen in love with a guy last year, and it turns out that he sleeps with all kinds of different women and is unlikely to ever move from a neighboring state.  She shed a lot of tears over him and really wanted to be his #1.  They have great conversations.  Now, she just sleeps with him when he’s in town visiting his children, and when she leaves town to visit her sister and nieces, but her heart isn’t involved.  That seems like a safe thing really.

I took a walk with a friend last night while my son played in the park.  We just made loops so we could supervise him.  I talked about wanting to meet tons of girls to chill with and maybe to expand my social circle.  I don’t know about my winter of celibacy moving into spring or not.  My friend is really funny, and logged into my laptop and started reading a Strictly Platonic ad on Craigslist.  It said something to the effect of, “Hey, let’s meet up and if something develops that’s great too.  I’m an Aquarius, and I can quickly piss off a Virgo…”  I cracked up, and she was confused.  I said, “That’s what I am!  And that is true.  Look how long my son had his Nerf gun before he destroyed the inner workings of the housing with sand.”  I do things the conventional way, and my son does things any way and argues about strange things.  I don’t think that I have ever said, “I’m not going to engage in this.  I care too much,” more than I did last night.  He is a nut.  I love him, but wouldn’t want anything like that in female form.

It’s funny because church girl said that she is loving being single and not tending to a relationship.  I like this time of silence as well, and can take care of stuff for school and clinical hours without having to explain my schedule.  However, being an extrovert, I’d be fine with meeting up for dinner, hikes, movies, beers, biking, or day trips with new girls.  I’m doing a microbrew and food sampling fest next Saturday.  I’m not going with friends either, and just will probably start at the bar and the mosey about some.  I’d like to do a film festival with discussions too.  I may do some Meetups at some point.  I just have zero interest in dating sites.  People tell you what you want to hear, and really just want to get laid.  Not to be arrogant, but if I stay around a bar until 1, I can do that any night of the week, but that’s just not what I’m seeking anymore.  Frankly, connection has become too important to me.

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Timing

Now, it really is a timing thing.  She explained that as she thought about it, that she is getting very solid on her own and doesn’t want to date.  She was fairly vulnerable when she was texting me earlier in the night and she is actually sick.  I’ve heard of the condition that she has too, and I know that you fatigue significantly in the sun.  That would be horrible for a girl like me, who simply loves being out all of the time.  I know that when you’re in no shape to date, you can’t date.  That is why I could just do Peter Pan for a few days, because she was a silly girl, and I couldn’t really take her seriously.  I had no idea that she was basically a liar though when she and I hooked up last summer.  Again, that was just a good rebound thing for me, and helped me just put a hard stop on a relationship with my ex because I had that fling.

This girl from church is straightforward and honest.  That is a good thing.  I won’t really seek out a friendship with her, but when she texts or interacts on my FB, I will definitely be my normal, conscientious self.  I think that when you have as much going on as she she does that she won’t contact me but about once a week.  We can be friends and that is fine with me.

Speaking of creepy, my ex knew that I was planning on a date last weekend, and she knew that I had a date with this particular girl last August when she flipped her shit and came down for “friendship,” but it was sex and then two months of dating again.  She emailed and asked me how my date was.  Since I won’t write really I said, “Didn’t happen.”  Then she said, “Why?  You ok?”  I said, “Long story.  All good.”  Then with incorrect punctuation she said that she wanted to know the story and asked how my son was.  I realized Hemingway sentences were not working right now so I said, “If you want to build a friendship with me, call sometime.  _______ is wonderful.”  Then silence on the chess board.  What a piece of work.

I do not miss that party bus, let me tell you.  It’s taken nearly a season free of seeing her less once, but I really do get it now.  I also get her.  We had slept together once in October and I told her, “I just couldn’t see doing a lifetime of this,” and I still can’t.  I also can’t interact much with her.  She will do what she does.  Her rapid fire questioning and her nicey-nicey stuff.  I can’t control her, but I can stay mostly cool with her.  My next response is already written and it will piss her off to high hell and keep her quiet for a week.  I’m hoping that someday, she just won’t contact me at all.  I think that will happen when I fall in love with a woman.  That will take me some time, but I am mostly just glad to have reassurance that she will be civil in public to me.  That’s a good way to end it.

It’s a good way to end a possible dating prospect with exchanging information regarding where you are too.  I’m not going to hustle for a friendship with her, but I’m here and will chat with her whenever she’d like.  I certainly won’t rapid fire questions or try to get her to talk to me by acting superficially disingenuous!

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Ready, set

I saw the best thing early this morning when I woke up to have a coughing fit.  It was one of those Venn diagrams, which are often touted by educators, but it has three overlapping circles with “self” inside of it.  It was in a blog.  I had to post it.  Captions at the tops of each of the circles talked about what people need from people in their lives.  I’m paraphrasing here, because I closed my social media site after posting it–after all I’m in the mode to unplug except for this activity.  Self included: people who always make you smile, people who always teach you something new about the world, and people who you want to spend the rest of your life with, which applied to self, which was actually the word “you” on the diagram.  That’s it.

I’m pairing down.  I only kept non-close people in this first round of unfriending from my church community, because you do see them every Sunday, and could wind up cleaning up their yards and doing food drives for them.  Plus, not to be homocentric, but it’s something that I’ve noticed over the last 18-months, they would do anything for my son.  Tons would show up if he were sick, and probably some of them who I have never said a word to or even made eye contact.  I think because many of them never wound up having kids, they love the few kids who attend church.  Some of them know who I am too.  As an example, a guy and his boyfriend grabbed me as I was exiting the large liquor store that is part of the local grocery store that I use.  He said, “We go to your church.  We love to hear you read.”  I don’t think that I’ve mentioned prior that I have a husky, radio voice.  No clue who this guy is.  But, connection would be extended in the other direction if he or his bf were sick or something.  You help people in your community.

I don’t want former colleagues who don’t keep up with my son on there.  I don’t want people who don’t have similar values on there.  I don’t want any exes on their except for my second girlfriend, who I lived with for three years in college.  She is barely bi.  I am the only woman who she has had sex with, and she has two kids, a straight marriage, a great career, and lives 350-miles away from me, because I went to college out of state.  She also relentlessly teases me, has known me 20-years this fall, and will “get” me on some levels that new people just won’t.  Of course, my ex-husband is also on there, but shit, I’ve known him 19-years this fall, and we share a child.  He doesn’t really get himself on the whole, but he is part of my life.  My ex-gf from college falls in the “make me smile,” and “someone who I want to spend the rest of my life with.”

Church girl never wrote back.  I recall, I believe that she promised to call after our first date as well, and never did that–although, I did have to cancel our second date.  I don’t think that she’s consistent.  That’s something that I am.  I’m also willing to work hard and see things through.  Please recall that I wrote the apology to her more for me, because I wanted her to know what truly was bad timing and that I believe she will have peace, prosperity, and a wonderful girl in the future.  Her first partner died.  I don’t know how.  But, we are not dating, and I made my honest, authentic olive branch.

My ex cannot always make me smile.  Mostly because interactions with people is chess with her.  She must control all moves.  My ex taught me 4 new lessons about the world.  I thanked her for those the before the last time that I saw her.  My ex is not someone who I want to spend the rest of my life with.  I’m glad that we dated, she left good lessons for me, but I don’t want to see her or seek her out.

I’m really ready to move forward.  I’m so good on my own and can chill with friends in three to four hour intervals any day of the week.  They are my family.  I have a beautiful son.  Our dog is very sweet.  I have kept my house and my car and have stayed afloat amidst pay cuts and huge health insurance hikes.  I’m set for a future, and very much looking forward to the next steps on this journey.

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No agenda

I wrote to the girl from church yesterday and did so, as I wrote, more for myself than anything else.  I had no agenda doing it, but rather wanted her to know about what really was bad timing on our part.  We had a nice first date.  We talked fairly easily and were good just walking loops around the park–I think that total we spent about three-hours together, which is a long first date.  I think that it was easier because she and I had seen each other and also sat together several times.

I told her the truth.  I explained that ours was definitely a favorite of my first dates, and I have had LOTS of dates.  I also explained that my ex came down the following week, and then I found myself back in the same pattern, but after two months, I realized that I was the one who had changed and she hadn’t.  I told her that I don’t desire a friendship with her, but on the off-chance that we would run into each other, I’d like to be civil.  About five-years ago, I told a friend, “There are twelve lesbians in ______ , and they all talk.”  I repeated that for sometime, and then just decided to increase the number each time someone said, “______ , there are more than that!”  I’m only up to 51.  This is a cliquey and small community.

I still don’t know if she’ll go out with me.  She seems to hang with the fifty-ish women from church.  But, honestly, I always call it the Church O’ Boyz.  There just aren’t many women there period.  Also, she has had tons of stress as of late because she has been unable to find employment, and belongs to the “no expectations, no disappointments” school.  I don’t go there.  I have hope and trust in my journey and know that it leads me exactly where I need to be everyday.

My cold is better.  I did wake up very early coughing, but rested in bed for a few and now am typing.  I have the coolest thing in the world right now, but haven’t turned it on yet this morning.  It’s a little wireless speaker with a BIG sound.  I stream Pandora from my phone on Bluetooth and have music nearly throughout my house.  It’s even better than those Bose systems and was a fifth of the price.  I want one more speaker so I can always have music everywhere in my 50s ranch.  I don’t have carpet upstairs so the hardwoods help carry sound.  I love it.  I’m a music freak.

All is quiet on the ex front.  Yay.  I think that it helps to write an answer to a question in the subject of an email and then attach only a link in the body.  That is my comfort zone.  Hey, I’m creepy, negative, and selfish and have zero compassion, so might as well be that way.  Speaking of which, I have to tell one of my best friends that I don’t want her to move in in June.  Yikes.  It would ruin our friendship.  I’m taking her for grass-fed burgers and brews tonight.  There is live music too if I can stay up.  That gets really hard for me when I have two beers and I have not been able to exercise.  I just have to be honest with her; although, I do know that she needs to decrease her bills by $300.

Seems like I’m being honest with everyone.  Good path, that.  I honestly have thought a lot about the way that the girl from church pulled me closer to her so our abdomens were pressed together when we embraced after our date in August.  She grabbed my arm too and ran her hand down it.  I’m bigger now than I was in the summer too, so she may want to do that again.  Also, sometimes she has played with my hair in church.  I am going early today, but when I do see her again at a later service, I’m going to flirt.  Hell, I’m single.

I wonder if there will be some nice girls at the 5Ks in April.  Who knows?  However, I draw the line at on-line shit.  I had a couple of girls from there in 2008 – 09, but they were not women that I would have ever organically run into, so.  One was a cowgirl who lived in a neighboring state.  She was awesome in bed, but not a great kisser.  The other one was a damn Gemini who did all the back and forth mindfuck stuff.  I let that one completely go and then three-months later she wanted to do a summit with me.  WTF?  Sounds like Bette though.  Hmm…

I know that she is out there.  I’d love to go to dinner with the girl from church, but the ball is in her court given that when we had a date, I was like a cautionary tale.  I apologized for that, and told her that I wish her peace, prosperity, and a path to her ONE.

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S squared

That is kind of an inside joke too, because I have had two girls with the EXACT same initials as each other; although I dated them 4-years apart.  They both liked “squaring” their names too.  Anyway, I woke up on Friday morning before 1 and my throat was completely on fire.  It made working very difficult yesterday.  I don’t like working sick, but I had specific duties yesterday so couldn’t have missed barring a bone break or the like.

I can’t go to Boot Camp this morning, because I’m still sore in the throat, and my chest hurts.  I’m way better though and went back to sleep this morning and slept until 7.  I feel like a different person in comparison to last night though.  This pattern happened last right before my two-week vacation in December.  I was sicker than hell that Friday night and got better by sleeping a ton.  I was soooo sick.  I did the same thing as now and that was get a ton of sleep to rid myself of it.  I had just a week earlier told my ex that I couldn’t approximate dating with her back in December…  It was a week before this winter started.

The second s is snow!  It’s doing it again.  I’m so glad.  If it would do it once a week through mid-April, we could get some water into our reservoirs.  I’m just going to hope for that.  I don’t want my climbing season to be shitty.  I don’t want to look west and see smoke and have the hills and mountains be obscured.  I know that is the natural cycle of things, but I want to raise my son where we have real seasons and definitely this beautiful snow.  Yay.

She texted me twice yesterday.  I didn’t text her back, but when I got done with clients, I found the original article that I had read which gave her the answer to one of the texts that she had sent.  I wrote the word (answer) in the subject line and attached the article link.  We are NOT BFF.  There are so many reasons for that too, which I shall list here:

  1. We didn’t work as partners because she criticizes and controls
  2. I have TONS of friends who I simply have a good “show-up” factor in terms of our relationships
  3. I don’t want to drive up there.  The peak that she lives next to is not one that I ever want to climb, and there are PLENTY of places to snowshoe here
  4. When I talk to her, there is very little joy that is emitted from her…  She may laugh once or twice, but is really serious
  5. I can’t think of anything that she complained about me that wasn’t something that she was, in fact, doing
  6. My son doesn’t miss her, but misses her son
  7. She would benefit from finding peace, but tranquility is not typically found in interactions with your ex
  8. We don’t see the demise of our relationship in the same way
  9. We don’t find the same types of people fascinating, and her friends are not very funny less the girl who introduced us
  10. She didn’t love me enough to learn strategies to resolve conflicts, alternate driving, or do something on a date that I thought of or planned

So, no thanks.  We are cool, but we are not friends.  We don’t have interactions with people in the same way, and I seek happiness, laughter, and connection.  I don’t feel happy around her, and I’m no longer connected to her.  My shrink said it’s because she gets scared, but I don’t intimidate or compete with others, so I’m not the scary one frankly.

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Steps

So, I don’t think that the girl from church will go out with me.  That’s fine, because I probably present to her like a cautionary tale.  Let’s rewind.  After the tragedy that took place this summer, we were at a prayer service together.  That’s because on occasion, I had been looking at her across church and I thought that she was cute, but at the time, which was last spring, I was trying to sort out my shitty relationship, but was still very much in love with my ex. Post-it note that one.  It’s an important key to me and who I am.

This past summer I did not sleep with my ex.  In fact I did not sleep with my ex for three months, and then we reconnected for two months and slept together outside of the context of relationship until winter began.  I have been single (COMPLETELY) this winter.  I am proud of that, because I have mindfully and with lots of reflection moved through our break-up.  I have also gotten to a point wherein I am not consciously looking for anyone.  I honestly believe that a girl will cross my path.

Flashback to summer: After the regular church service ended, I talked to this girl finally.  We had a good conversation, and then she told one of the transgirls in the congregation and one of her good friends that she was going to sit with me.  We attended a prayer service.  I had been sleeping with Peter Pan a bit, but when her bullshit / lies unraveled and she got clingy, I told her that this was not the stuff of slow, getting to know you dating.  I bounced.  So, I figured since I did, I’d ask out the girl from church.  I did.

We had a great first date.  We walked from church to a neighboring park.  We ate homemade pasta salad and summer fruits and drank sparkling water.  We walked around the park several times, and unfortunately she got blisters 😦  Then I walked her back to her car and told her that I’d like to see her two weeks from now and have a drink.  At the time, I didn’t know that she was a recovering alcoholic.  I don’t know all of her story; although, I do know a lot about her.  Anyway, I told her that I had a great time, and then I embraced her.  She pulled me closer and then pressed her abdomen on mine.  I’m pretty sure that she wanted me to kiss her, but Peter Pan took a lot out of me the month before.  I no longer trust girls who I don’t know.  I pulled away–I didn’t even put my face in her neck–and then she grabbed my bicep and also ran her hand down my arm.  That was clear.

Then, my ex did a powerplay that week and came down for dinner so we could “talk.”  Fuck?  Yes.  I tried really hard those two months, and didn’t talk to the girl from church on the phone again until October.  She also knows that my ex has historically driven me nuts.  She probably won’t go out to dinner with me.  I get it.

I really don’t need any friends.  There are several who I miss so much and who I don’t get to see.  One of whom has four kids, and is really the sole supporter of them, so I really do have to come to her.  I don’t though.  I haven’t seen her since October either.

Back to one of my values.  I’m monogamous.  Shane was not when I met her, and honestly that didn’t matter all summer that we had sex.  At that point in my life–I was newly out and 34–I didn’t care to have a girlfriend and just wanted an FB.  Sleeping with Shane has lots of benefits.  She gives, which is unique for a woman like me who had two str8 girl gf’s as a adolescent.  And she is very good at what she does.  However, once you have slept with Shane for some time, it gets perfunctory.  It always works because Shane is after all pretty much a sex addict, but it lacks spontaneity and connection.  The sad thing about Shane is that she always used to say to me, “Don’t fall in love with me.”  She said that all summer and then for about four months that winter that we reconnected.  However, she stopped saying it when we went to NM.  Because she fell in love with me.

That was pretty consuming.  To have Shane fall in love with you!  So, I tried with her, because I am monogamous and because having a girl like that fall for you certainly gave me lots of pause.  Plus, she told me in NM that I was the best lover that she ever had.  She still says that to this day, and talks about missing our sex life.  I won’t ever sleep with her again, because we were really just a summer fling.

I didn’t care who Shane was sleeping with the summer that we met.  Later in winter when she reconnected with me on NYD and told me, “I’ve missed you so much.  I have never stopped thinking about you,” I thought that we could just date.  No, Shane also loved the love triangle.  I told her in a letter the following summer (after we had known each other a year) that she really liked juggling two women, and that it was highly unlikely that you could meet your one in a bar.  I wrote, “You liked the Pepsi Challenge of the triangle.  I.E. “Let me service her, and then get my needs met.”  She didn’t like that and just went off on me.  That’s my thing really.

If I say something to a girl that is my belief, why can’t she just say, “I get that you see it that way, and here is my perspective.”  I even talked to Bette about my trying hard, but it was not enough because it left her feeling that I had zero compassion.  That’s her perspective.  My being the sole driver, making meals, tending to her boy occasionally (I love him so much.) while she showered or whatever, making pictures, writing out cards, and just shutting up and holding her was not enough.  To her, I lacked compassion, was creepy, negative and selfish.  Although, I don’t get why she’d feel that way about me, but I do honor that is her perspective of who I am.  In that case, it means that we should not have a connection anymore.  I don’t know anyone who thinks that when I make efforts, that is who I am.

I have taken to writing to a mystery girl in pen at night before I go to bed.  I’d like to meet a new girl.  So, I write about good hugs, good conversation, passion, and connection.  I don’t write about good conflict resolution skills, but I think that those are of value too.  Can you call in your one by putting out intentions to her?

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Nakedly mean is back

I told her that we didn’t have bad timing because she already has a girlfriend.  Then she unloaded on me and said that I completely lack compassion and that is something that she never understood.  Frankly, I got sick of the “timing” card, which was always bullshit, so I called that.  She admitted that she never wanted to drive to me so she could see me.  That is what stung the worse, and I always assumed it.  I get being tired, but my world is that it is always better when I wake up next to a woman when my week has been long or bad–but I didn’t say that.

All of these exchanges are via email.  I told her that I don’t know a single person who thinks that I lack compassion and I listed all the straws that I grasped at including always driving to her–sometimes several times in the same weekend–just to be with her to support as best as I could, especially after she lost her father.  She does not acknowledge that, and it’s because all people have drawbacks to her.  They are failing her.  They don’t give her an even exchange of what she gives them.

People do have weaknesses.  People do fuck up.  Maybe that’s true, but I don’t lead with them, because I would be sad and miserable.

Additionally, I told her that because I don’t know anyone who thinks that I lack compassion, I am not meant to be close with her, and she agreed.  We will see how long.  I don’t care though.  I tried to be her friend, but she has this bizarre flavor wherein she lists what a great woman I am and how “proud” she is of me, only to then tell me that I lack compassion.  She must still think that I am creepy, negative, and selfish too.  Again, those are not things that even my good friend who I have always had since 5th grade thinks.  Consensus is that I’m direct, honest, and straightforward.  I’ll take the consensus, because I only entertain a friendship with her for a day or two.  In fact, I only entertained a relationship in the same manner after September.  I told her that we don’t show up to the external world in the same way and that I wish her peace.

So, I have a few sentences.

  1. Fine.  How are you?
  2. Good.  Just working.
  3. Great.  He is doing tons.
  4. How are things for you?
  5. Hours for school are hard.

Cool!  I have read enough Hemingway to be able to do this stuff well.  That’s it.  It’s on a rolodex.  (However in the days of SIM cards and synching your email to your phone, those days are over.)  But, I can open this entry when she does get in touch with me again so I have my list.  Those are the ONLY things that I will say to her.

My girl from church and I didn’t get to talk on the telephone yesterday.  Damn.  I think that she likes being pursued though.  I don’t have time for that though, and haven’t had to do it much.  I came out at 33.  I lived with my college gf, and my hs gf lived across the street from me.  I’ve never had to pursue much, and generally do like the quote that those who want to be caught are the true catches, so I’ll just wait to hear from her.  That is what is best with introverted Water Signs.  And believe me, I have had three–fourteen-years worth–and also a few dates with a girl who was exactly her sign.  The secret is…  Don’t overwhelm them.

She has to work all day on Saturday, and because she has been unemployed for so long, I completely get that.  I left her a VM and said that the offer for dinner is always open, because I’d like to get to know her better and that if I need to get a sitter, so be it.  Yesterday, I actually had to serve communion as well.  She came up in a large group of transgirls and when I smiled at her, she flushed.  It was very cute.  I texted her later that for what it was worth she looked pretty today and I was glad that she took communion from me.  It’s nice to flirt.  I’ll see what transpires.  I do think that summer is a good time for me, and even if it’s super hot and burning again, I have done my hard work moving through a bad relationship, and I even had my sex-only rebound thing.  I’m looking for more.  I’m going to go to my friend’s church a bit this summer too.  I also have two races in April, and then one in June, and one in July, and a cycling event in September.

Church was beautiful yesterday.  Having been raised Catholic, I can’t think of a time that lent has been beautiful, but it was in my church, and the message was that we are not alone ever and that we are all works in progress.  I sat by this guy who I really like.  He is sweet and fairly quiet, but very bright.  He and I both had tears during the service.  My boy came bounding up with paper dolls right before the last prayer for communion–of course with wounds on some of them–and said, “They are all different.”  It seems that they are still doing diversity in the children’s liturgy.

I don’t want to “get things right.”  Rather, I want to move and learn from a woman who walks my path and and I walk hers.  I’m good with being “in progress.”  Remember that Bill Murray only really does want Andie McDowell in “Groundhog Day,” but he has to become well-rounded and authentic before she will even notice him much?  I am good with where I am.  I don’t put others down, and I know that I can be good to those who I know and nurture.

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Doy

I don’t mean I give, but I’m pretty much a top, so I guess it has double-meanings.  I can go out on a date again with the child.  My friends keep telling me that she is not a child, but 28 does freak me out, but I’ll just get over it.  I’ve seen her for over a year, and have talked to her since last July, so it fits my “know well” thing.  Plus, she wrote, “How about a juicy mango?” on my status last week.  Hello?  I talked to her yesterday and we had ease in conversation and then when I got to my practicum site I said, “Can I take you out to dinner next Saturday night?” and she said, “That sounds good!  I’ll check my schedule and get back to you.”  We’ll go to a trendy spot in a gentrified area just north and west of downtown, and I’ll tell her a start time, so we have two cars.  If the convo is good, I’ll walk her to her car and hug her again.  If she grabs my bicep again, I’ll finally kiss her.  I’ve known her eight months.  So, I do have a girl I can date.

Bette HeyTelled yesterday morning, and at the end of it she said, “Are we going to be able to be friends?”  So, I just called her.  I talked to her about various things and then she posed the question again, and I said, “You know, _____ , I originally just wanted to be amiable when I could feel your new girl’s energy and realized that you couldn’t say such mean things to me unprovoked if there wasn’t another moving right in.  But now after seeing you, it gets convoluted.  I just wanted us to be cool on the off chance that we see each other out and about, but now…  So, I just need to take time.  I’m quick at work, and in fact, my colleagues always say, ‘There is ______ , on a mission!” but in my personal life I am not like that.  I rely on observations and need lots of them to make decisions.  Last night was just too convoluted.”

Then she said, “Well, the ball is really in your court, and you’ll need to contact me.”  I said, “_____ , that could be years.”  And she said that was ok.  About a half an hour later she apologized for ever hurting me and indicated that she really meant it.  Then she texted again and said that she loves me and that I still have a significant piece of her heart.  I texted, “Thank you.  I love you too.”  And I do.  I fell completely in love with her and she was a critical part of my journey.

However, I really need to date.  I don’t know if it’s feasible to date a whole bunch of women, because I am away from my house a minimum of 11-hours daily getting things done.  I don’t have time or a method to meet lots of girls.  However, I’m NOT having sex next weekend.  I think that the end of the month is a good idea for that.  Because then it has been nearly four-months since I have, and that is always a good marker for me to rid another girl’s energy from me.  I don’t want her to feel Bette when we do connect if it proceeds that way.  I know that she wants to, and that she wanted to make out on the street when we had our date in August.  Slow build up this month seems good.  She is not Peter Pan either and has always told me the truth.  We should be good.  At least it’s a fun prospect, and I’ll just get over her age.

Such a strange path.  My shrink is right, and you certainly cannot bend the river.  I don’t want to, and am ready to float down, while I can appreciate and avoid fervor or rapids.  Canoe seems good.

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Break-up Girl

I was her last summer.  Then I succumbed to the sexual energy of my ex and we spent August and September dating again, but then I realized that I had moved through what I needed to in my miserable summer, and had my rebound that I needed as well.  Now, I’m not seeking that either.  I’m just not Break-up Girl anymore.

We saw one of my favorite performers last night.  My workout partner bought tickets and I owe her money for them.  I should have bought the opener’s flashdrive, as she was excellent, but I’ll probably just see if Panda has her albums after I get my Mac repaired.  Shit, I need to drop that off today too.

Anyway, the headliner’s sets were obviously in the stylings of Break-up Girl, so it wasn’t as peppy as I had expected.  It’s funny that one of the things that I kept thinking over and over is that her ass is as nice as my ex’es.  I turned around after a few songs and told my workout partner that she really has an incredible ass and she said, “I noticed that as soon as she turned around to switch guitars and knew that you were probably VERY happy.”   Hahahaha!  The other thing was the namesake of this blog, and that is that she is still very much entrenched in her loss of a perspective marriage and her ex-bf.  So, her show had that “getting through being without you” feel and was pretty sombre and included sad songs and ballads as well.  I would have alternated songs, but I don’t perform, so.  It was still fun.  I LOVE live music.

I’m sooooo glad to be where I am.  I know that Thursday will be weird at times, but honestly, I can just be me, and I think that really I have been comfortable with that for most of my life.  The last thing that I had to do to embrace being ok was to come out, and I think that I may tell some of that story in my church when I give the sermon in July.  I’m not sure, but I will make it personal.

I have that Boot Camp again in about an hour and a half, and then my son plays basketball–it’s his second to last game.  I have to go to the university to pick up the gold standard test of ability (used for adults) and a projective kit that I like.  She has had some trauma, and doesn’t have a car, so today is also some case management as I have to transport her to a library because the main building is closed.  I will be fried after the eval, but I also have to see my young male client at his house and get new sessions scheduled for him now that he has started sports.

Then my new friend that I have through one of my best friends who is finishing school in CA, is having me at her parents’ house for dinner and I finally get to meet her girlfriend.  My friend said that she is very sweet, so I can’t wait to hear their lovestory.  Tonight we are playing quiz.  We are meeting the engineer there too.  I’m so not into her, but she is smart, so we will probably win again.  I’ll text a few more friends if my workout partner and her out-of-town company do not come to quiz.  It’s fun to win.

It’s only fun to meet good girls.  I want to go on a date.  I should join a new meetup.  I may do that, but don’t think that now is the right time, because I’d be frustrated that their times don’t work with my schedule.  It may just have to be that late spring is the time for new girls.  I don’t think that one will drop out of the sky.

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Focused Forward

My office partner is somewhat of a mystic.  I met her nearly five-years ago, and when I was talking to her f2f for the first time, I realized that she would introduce me to my next girlfriend.  It took me over a month to admit this belief and truth to her, and she said this woman’s name right away to me.  We definitely tried, but we had weird timing.  She is also five-years younger than me, but from what I understand, her current partner is older than me.  Anyway, I’m sure that if I am ever in a meeting with her again, I’ll flush probably.  There is something about her that is purely fantasy, because we probably all want the one who got away.

One time in a large ladies night venue we met by chance and we talked–screaming in each others’ ears over house music is more accurate–and when she realized that I knew well her hometown and the surrounding area she paused and said, “I can’t believe that you even know where that is,” and we just looked at each other saying nothing, but sustaining intense eye contact.  Had she not been on a date–I didn’t know that while we were talking–we probably would have had to start kissing then.  Nothing ever happened though, and my office partner told me that she was too much of a player anyway, but now she’s settled in with an older woman who has a child that her ex birthed.  My office partner does know things.

However, I do still think that working the office again, as I did for just over a year in another position with this woman is interesting.  It could be that she is right, that my time with the right woman is around the corner.  She told me that yesterday.  And yesterday at work was unreal.  I have always believed when there is dissension and discomfort or even chaos around that things are disrupted and allow for balance.  Meaning yesterday was rough, and maybe tonight there will be a super hot girl at the Rec Center Pool Party that I’m taking my son to 😉

I know that I want things to be gentle and kind with my next girlfriend.  I think that I am being gentle and kind with myself, and that is always a first step.  I agree with the Ted talk that says that you cannot be kind and gentle with others if you are not first kind and gentle with yourself.  I want to focus on moving forward and doing well.  That I can really do.  I wouldn’t mind running into a girl who is on a similar path.

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Getting there

I wouldn’t say that I was at peace…  But, I would say that it is really nice to have absolutely no contact from my ex–well, with the exception of a bday well wish message for my son that she left last Monday–and be able to continue to realize that she didn’t work for me.  I really don’t want someone who has to complain about me all of the time when finally she has stopped throwing up something that I wrote in my face, which took her ten-months.  I’m not actually sure why 1) I went out on a date with her in the first place, and 2) I went back to her house after that date.  If someone tells you that you are going to be her friend and fires questions at you so she doesn’t have to talk, it is probably just more disarmament.

That’s an odd way to live.  Having superficial friendships with people–because they need you and ask you for advice all the time so you can play dime store psychologist, and you never share anything about you–and then when you have something tripped or you feel fearful, you get the edge in conversation by making others uncomfortable.  I certainly was on the receiving end of both of these things, but I didn’t want her advice, because I don’t need it, and I stopped letting her throw me off balance.  Her exes over the course of her adult life have desperately needed her.  I’d prefer to have a partner, but it’s not a must.  It’s just a value that I have and one that I hope that I do fulfill at some point.  And I certainly don’t need this girl to rescue or save me.

There are some qualities that I’m seeking, but one of my friends said that kind of thinking is dangerous, because it’s difficult to find someone who is seeking the same things as you.  I want to consider her feelings and be a solid girl to fall back on when things are difficult.  I think respect should be paramount for both of us.  I know a lot of things about living, but I’d love to learn more.  When the woman who moved six states away from me and I redefined as a distance relationship, I really liked traveling with her and taking in things.  The only thing that was a disconnect was that she would usually get drunk, and she was unable to hike and walk long distances.  I have learned the importance of getting away though, and that is good.

I don’t think that I took anything away that I enjoyed from my ex.  I just improved myself some.  I have become quite fit, and I think about what I can be doing early to make the evening go smoothly for my son and I.  I just changed some habits as a result of being with her.  I also got a dog for my son, which I think of as an improvement in lifestyle.

I think that I am nearly free from her now.  I dreamt that sent me several texts, and all of them were kind, but I don’t think that is going to happen.  I think that she is done with contacting me because I don’t need her advice, and we can’t be casual.  I am on my road to peace.

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Understanding

It is interesting to me that I could feel one of my exes so viscerally last weekend and it didn’t go away–especially since she really is sick.  Although I don’t really believe in closure when something ends, I do believe that there is knowledge and some change in one’s self when a stage or journey comes to a close.  I ended things with the woman who I spent the better portion of two years with right before my bday when I turned 37 in the fall of 2011.  The roughest thing is that I didn’t have a period of transition or silence that I’m taking right now though.  I started up with my ex after three weeks, and that didn’t give me the right amount of space.  I’m hoping that delaying intimacy will give me more space when I do meet a nice girl or some nice girls.  I was only with my ex for about a year and some change, and since she would religiously remind me that I didn’t have enough in common with her and qualities that she was seeking in a long-term partnership, we only were truly together and felt safe with each other for three-months, and she always had a proviso that she would throw up in my face even then, because she didn’t like the tone of ONE of my emails.

So, I probably can’t call her the the woman who I had to email “the drunk” anymore, because she only has one glass of wine at night.  I do believe her, but I also am educated enough to know that the triggers for alcohol abuse are multifaceted, and think if she were here, or on vacation that she could not exercise moderation.  Seeing her out of control is something that I don’t want to ever do again, but my son misses her and my son is also the love of her life, so she can certainly stay with us this summer and also sleep in the bed in the basement when she makes her trip to the midwest.

She also had a cancer scare.  I’d call her Steve McQueen, because she used to remind me of his character in “The Great Escape,” but my recent ex looks too much like him, so I can’t…  I can’t come up with anything, because I really know her as just a heavy drinker.  Anyway, she is six-states away from me, so I can refer to her as that.  Medical professionals sent a piece of her thyroid away to medical testing lab, and they say that they caught it in time and there was no cancer–she got this diagnostic information yesterday, but I think since that she also had a breast biopsy last fall, that it is a matter of time.  She eats mostly all highly engineered and refined soy products and rarely cooks, and most of the time, she’d just drink when I knew her.  She stopped exercising after she moved here (where I live) within about 3-months as well, and that was back in 2008.  She is not the picture of health.

I told her that I had told my shrink last fall that I would be her friend if she was on Step 4 of a recovery program, and now fate has thrown up health issues so she must recover.  She didn’t respond to anything that I wrote.  Although when she caught me up on her last 18-months, I responded and wrote about each topic and sent words of concern and empathy.  She did not respond to any of the details that I gave her about my ex or Peter Pan.  She said something flippant.  That’s ok, but that is where I realize that my shrink is right, my ex is just scared and gets critical, but is way more of a step toward what I want than the woman who moved six states away from my son and I in 2010.   She could either be overwhelmed that my ex was the love of my life, or that I confronted her about her alcoholism.  I don’t care, because I made my peace with her.  It’s not closure, but is learning and being authentic.

Being at peace is an amazing feeling.  I told her that regardless of the choices that she made, I wouldn’t be with her because of her use of alcohol, which is scary.  Even if she is recovering, I don’t want that, because it takes a very long time and you must be clean for a good period to not experience recidivism.  I wish her health and recovery from what I hope is nothing serious, and also from the abuse of alcohol.

Then there is my ex…  It’s so complicated to be in love with someone who you can be with due to bad dynamics.  We wouldn’t have to have them either.  We could just be and she would not have to get on my case.  My shrink says it is fear, but it makes me feel so bad and inadequate.  I can’t do that.  I just can’t.  However, as I’m still on that journey and not at peace, I don’t know what it means.  I’ll wait until I understand.

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Closure

No, that is bullshit, because I don’t believe it.  I just wanted a one word title this morning before I go into work and my night site.  People are dynamic, and as they learn, change, and have other influences which are external or result through connections with others, and they also change with respect to grieving the loss of another or a relationship.  I know myself well enough at this stage of my life that I just wait and think and act when I know that it’s right or it feels like the right thing to do.  When I was younger, I’d fly off the handle and simply react, but I’ve outgrown that.  This change is one of the main reasons that my ex and I wouldn’t work.  She says almost everything that pops into her head and is also hot-headed.  I don’t do that anymore and have learned to simply slow the hell down.

I woke up on Sunday with the drunk heavy in my mind.  After talking to a few people (close friends), I determined that maybe I should confront her in specific about her alcoholism.  Yesterday, this feeling turned to my being worried that something happened to her, so I just e-mailed her.  Turns out that she had her thyroid removed.  We have exchanged some e-mails and I certainly told her that I always worry about her health and what she does to her body that it doesn’t need.  I feel good about my contact too.  She had emailed me 8-mos ago and I only answered it now; although, I did so in a completely new thread.  She said, “I miss you both very, very much,” so this am, not wanting any mixed messages, I told her about my internship plans, my lack of desire to ever move, and that I am seeking a healthy relationship.  However, it is interesting to be back in touch with her.  We have known each other four-years this summer.  Wouldn’t that be great if I could get to this comfy level with my ex?!?  She left a bizarre message for my son on Monday morning.

I don’t believe in closure, but I’m tying up loose ends.  I’m living authentically and mindfully.  I work around the clock, but I still take time for me, connect to my son, and stay fit.  Now, over the next six-months, I want to meet some nice girls.  My cousin told me that I could delay sex about as well as I could grown horns when I was with her last night at Happy Hour.  I just want to actually know the next girl I date.  We shall see.  Or you will, as I nakedly chronicle my many years of dating here!

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Flake with goals

I succumbed to having an internet reading done, and my number is 4, and because I’m not deep in knowledge of numerological stuff, I don’t know what it means exactly, but my chart does some shifting on Tuesday.  That would be the 22nd.  I do get that.

How the hell do you meet new girls?  I met the drunk as I have said, in a bar, and then oddly, I went to a church for the very first time in many years (And this church was brand-new to me.) two weeks after I told her that we would not only be totally broken up but cool contact for a year or more, and I prayed to meet new friends.  That is the truth.  I went to a BBQ on THAT Sunday and met my ex through an ex-colleague’s (who is hosting a Happy Hour on Monday) colleague.  My former colleague’s friend from work is best friends with my ex.  (It sure as hell is hard to blog incognito, but I am afraid that I would make clever names for everyone that would hurt anonymity.)

I texted my new couple friends who I adore yesterday.  It is her bday this weekend and she said that her girl was treating her like a princess.  That is very cool.  They met on a highway.  That is the truth as well.  They were both driving over the Continental Divide–one solo, and one with friends–and the solo one needed CDs.  She signaled the one with friends to roll down her window and said, “Do you have any music?”  The solo one was married at the time, and the other one was involved with a woman who would not be “out” and say that she was her girlfriend.  They took a year of hanging out when they both moved here before they ever dated.

My good friend met her girl at work because she womans a front desk.  Their story, which I only heard last Sunday was cute because you could spot my friend as being a lesbian from far, far away, but her girl is very feminine.  So, when my friend was not getting it, her now-girl said, “Well, my ex-wife and I used to go there for coffee.”  The rest is recent history.

My colleague and her partner who I have been hanging out with as of late met in HI.  They were working in different fields, but wound up talking a lot as when you live in that state, you are on, an island.  I don’t know which one of the islands, but they have a sweet story as well.

I don’t know how my friend that I have through another friend met her girlfriend, but my friend who was here for her bday and Christmas said that her girl is very sweet.  I can’t wait to hear their lovestory.  The both seem really mellow.

You can’t really tell by looking at me that I’m gay.  I have a feminine presentation, but I’m muscular and assertive and have a very deep voice, so when someone new hangs out with me, they usually know.  They don’t know superficially though, because I just present bold and for the most part, women can be outspoken, at least in this area of the country, without drawing too much attention to themselves.  I don’t have to come out to anyone though after they have hung out with me three or four times.

My straight colleagues tend toward loving jewelry or talking about men a lot when they are more extroverted and straightforward, and I think that makes it so no one would question their sexuality.  I’m pretty friendly with everyone at work, so they know who I am, and I’m sure that they would mention a girl to me if they thought that I’d hit it off with her…  So, again, how do you meet women?

I’ll keep putting my bad, single self out there of course.  I can do that starting tomorrow at my ex-colleague’s Happy Hour too, as she has a collection of friends who she has always thought that I would hit it off with, and it’s funny to me that when her colleague was interacting with me two years ago that she thought that my ex and I were exactly the same.  My colleague told her, “You can have my friend exchange emails with your best friend, but probably nothing is going to happen because my friend is really picky.”

And I am, and I was not attracted to my ex via picture when my ex-colleague sent me one.  I thought that she had great arms and was a little bit cute, but definitely did not look like my type and looked way older than she is because she is always in the sun–you can’t do that here, because you get leathery.  My ex is not that photogenic as it turns out.  However, in one picture that she sent me much later, I thought that she had beautiful eyes.  And she does, and has the best ass that I’ve ever seen.  She was my first short girl.  Then Peter Pan was super short, but that wound up grossing me out.  I like a little heft and do really enjoy height, because you get those great legs then.  Uh oh.  Getting shallow here…  Been a month since sex, so that tends to happen as a derivative.

When I met the drunk, I told my buddy who works a front desk, “I’m going out tonight, and if she’s cute, tall, smart and funny, she is going home with me!”  And my buddy said, “Good luck with that,” in a super snotty way.  She was pissed as all get out when the drunk walked in and met my gaze and gave me a great smile.  I like that too.  I have been with three women with incredible, light-up-your-whole-face, smiles.

So, I’m ready.  I plan on riding my number waves of four, but will do so sensibly and try at least to somewhat stick to my 20 daylight dates.  I hope.  I don’t delay sex very well.

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Save it for the cookies

I’m not sure if there is a script for this whole looking thing.  I wish that I could say that I can do completely casual for a a long time.  However, if I think back to every girl who I slept with the exception of the little liar, I have to be very attracted to a girl in order to date her.  So, when I reflect further, it’s maybe not possible to have tons of hang outs with single girls.  I don’t do well with anything open.  I wonder if I can be very attracted to several girls at once.

Maybe it subsides when you learn that…  She chews with her mouth open or she doesn’t wash her hands with soap?  I don’t know.  I do know that as soon as I’m in a relationship with a girl, I don’t even look.  One of my best friends calls me “bizarrely monogamous.”  I just think that I work hard and pour myself into things very strongly, so I don’t have energy to expend that is significant in different directions.

Something interesting happened with one of my clients lately.  She told me about how she originally didn’t like a girl who became her best friend, and then over the course of a year, her “best friend” did some really shady shit to her.  I came to that she has good intuition and should not ignore it–meaning that she knows quickly who is who.  I told her that is her lesson and that is never to second-guess because she gets people quickly.

I know that I can’t follow a script, but I get people quickly too.  I won’t rush my year-before-living-together, but I will trust that I know.  My ex did push and pull and wordsmithed what I wrote and later what I said within two weeks.  The little liar just didn’t “feel right” to me and I succumbed to her pursuit games.  And hell, I met the drunk, in a BAR!  I wish that there was a factory approach to finding an incredible girl, but it just doesn’t seem to work that way in the world of dating.

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Peeps

Well, I get a three-day with my son this weekend, which is good.  I spent this weekend getting lots of things done, so I didn’t have as much time to clean because I also went out on Saturday.  This weekend, I should get some solitary stuff together for my son to do inside the house because his bday is next weekend and we should save money.  I have Happy Hour on Monday, so that is my adult social thing that I will do.

My friend who just turned 37 is so cool–we went out for her bday on Sat.  She has an arty way about her, but she also tends toward connecting well with the person who she is talking to.  She was very late, so I talked with one of the bartenders in this trendy spot.  He came over and said, “Can I get you something?”  I told him that I didn’t  know that my friend would be this late, and he said, “I’m like that too.”  I nodded and then said, “Oh?’  He told me about his 8-month relationship and how his girlfriend can’t stand his running late, and then I said, “Well, she is an amazing person, and we all have faults so I don’t really care about this fact.”  He smiled and laughed.  I elaborated and explained how if you are basically a good person and just do one thing, and you probably don’t always do it, as long as it isn’t a dealbreaker, it doesn’t affect anything that much.  He said, “Well, I didn’t ever come to her late until after 3-months.”  I told him that everyone does nice things for three-months, and if he really wants to change this fact about himself, he can develop new habits.  He said, “I was so fucking bored.  Some of the people who come in here are…  You’re so for real!”  I congratulated him on his 8-months and he bought me a drink.  Because she got there an hour-and-a-half past our start time, I was there for five-hours.  They have cool art though, and we enjoyed that and brilliant conversation.

I talked to one of the soloists at church yesterday.  In fact, we had a long conversation.  She is soft butch and has incredible eyes.  She and her partner have two kids.  She works for an agency in private practice and has all her clinical hours done too.  Anyway, she asked if my bday twin was my gf.  I said, “No, she’s straight, and I outgrew that at 22.  I’m also very single.”  She has been with her partner for five-years and married for three, and she said, “I have outgrown that too, but it just took me awhile.”  I told her that from the security point, that it is heartbreaking for me, so I will not be doing it, and she talked about the thrill of the catch.  I realized that I have really gotten old.

Five couples will be at the dinner party next month.  After you hang out with that many happy people, you have to have some good energy.  One of my friends who is coming said, “I think it’s lesbian osmosis.”  I laughed and thought that was pretty good, but what I really want to do in general is be around people who I can laugh with and feel their happiness.  One of my good friends and her gf came over for dinner last night so that my first introduction to her would not be the party, and they are really into each other, but they are new. Lots of things will settle in this year and her girl is a major extrovert and my buddy is very private, and quiet.  I’m not sure how that dynamic will be for the long haul, but my friend and I have been friends for five-years, so it would have been really weird not to invite her.  One of the other couples does nearly the commute that I just had.  They are extremely happy too, because they made an incredible impression on my friend who was home for her bday and the holidays, so I think that it will be good to be with them too.

I like to be around happy people.  I like to joke lightly with folks when they get too serious or they don’t see the humor in lots of situations.  I like stimulating conversation and want to share some of my hobbies with a woman.  I especially want to cook for her. As I begin these pre-dating ventures, I will bring a buffer person or couple to my house, so that when I’m going to bed, I can just say, “Well, goodnight everyone,” and get coats.  I’m not about to engage in physical intimacy until I have some good data about a girl, and good or bad, that does take time.

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Weekender

We are going out in a slightly larger group than the ones in which I typically go in tonight, and then tomorrow night I’m buying one of my fellow students and soon-to-be MH colleague a couple of drinks for her bday.  Later I’m supposed to meet a couple of friends at a different bar, but I have to run about half an hour after work at the Rec Center, so they will have to meet us where we are starting out.  Then we are going to go over to the other bar.  Before the economy was bad, there were 5 lesbian bars here.  Now there is one and the old owner who used to have two different bars apparently partially manages this one, but does not own it.  Bad economy indeed.

My friend is actually hosting a Happy Hour–I didn’t think that it would materialize.  She wrote the word “lez” in a reply to a post that I made on her Wall, and I was surprised, as I was about the assertion about my having a good networking (Lez) op at happy hour, and apparently she thought that it was a private message.  Hahahahaha!  Happy hour could be really interesting now.  Maybe it will be attended by all men.  I think that is interesting though, as my only complaint about her is that she keeps people around to feel better than them, and writing a post like this, kinda makes that fact public to your friends.

I have said it before and I will make my current intentions public and authentic.  I just want to meet a whole bunch of girls.  I got really burned with my last hook-up in the summer because the girl lacked integrity and was Peter Pan.  I would prefer to spend time with a whole bunch of girls at once over the next five-months or so and then just see which one is looking for an exclusive dating situation and is sexy, funny, smart and balanced.  I do think that connections grow from other people.

Unfortunately, about eighteen-months ago, I had gotten out of a very weird two-year, and met a unique woman who is now my ex.  See I had just been hooking up with the drunk, then this other girl told her that they had to go exclusive and she caved.  I never spoke to her again.  Sound familiar?  I have amazing boundaries with exes.  Then when she contacted me NYE and I read her text NYD, I thought it romantic.  I was in a low place at that point too.  That lasted a month and then ultimatum girl was back in the picture.  The latter started to hurt, but it distracted me from the fact that when she and I spent time together, she was often drunk.  When she moved, I wanted to be done.  She charmed me.  Again, another pattern that I have.  I flew around for a year!

So, now, I want to perhaps meet some girls through others, but don’t want to date for sometime.  I want to hang out and be outside, listen to tunes, communicate, and eat and play cards.  Seriously!  I like to sit and play board games when you have had a whole long time out in the snow or the like.  I need to be upfront and honest about my lack of trust given the Peter Pan.  She introduced herself to me as a teacher and let that lie ride for over two months.  I plan on also using my keen skills of observation while I’m meeting girls.  We shall see how the path to my next girlfriend unfolds.

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Control

I think that I get what I can and can’t control.  You can’t control the way that someone treats you, but you can control how you react to it, and sometimes your reaction is, “I can’t hang out with you,” and that is what I have chosen.  It may be that at the end of February, that my ex and I do go to that show together, but that works well for me and I can even get a cab there if I want because the venue is a very short distance from my house.  (I do really love where I live.)  However, I can say with complete confidence that I won’t be going up there for any reason other than a complete emergency.

It is really wonderful that since I told my ex that I couldn’t even approximate dating because of the way that I feel afterward, she has really not said boo.  She won’t this time, and I can tell, because I may not know her well, but I know exactly how she treats people.  She may not even e-mail at the end of next month, so in that case, I will need to think of someone who should come with me. It really should be my friend who now lives in CA, but she is in an aggressive school program.  I’ll think of someone.

Ultimately, she couldn’t control anything about me.  Certainly she did aggressive and passive aggressive things to me, but those won’t happen anymore either.  It was funny that she always told me that I wasn’t accountable, but I kept wanting to talk to her on the phone since the last time that I saw her and after my asking her three times when a good night was, but wouldn’t even say that she was too busy, but simply wouldn’t answer that question.  I used to think that this stuff was gamey, but it was really just another method of controlling the situation.

I have all the hindsight that I need.  Ever since she started her monthly break-ups, I have written.  Each month I would try to make changes, but mostly what she wanted to change was something that I couldn’t and it was one e-mail that I sent (out of over 40) that she didn’t like because she said it sounded casual.  That is so bizarre.  Then what she did even after she wouldn’t talk about the e-mail in particular is throw up roadblocks.  All of these left me feeling like I was being treated casually.

We never dealt with any issues or talked anything through.  I don’t think that she can either.  She can communicate anger really well, but can’t own when she is upset or work through anything which results in compromise.  I watched her do this dance all the time with work situations, and it’s interesting that there are also people with whom she was extremely close in a personal realm who no longer speak to her.  She can communicate clearly boundaries, and anger, but working through hard things with someone is NOT something that I ever witnessed her being able to do.  Again, it’s her way or there is a punishing that ensues and does not cease.  I would never want to be with her again even if she said that she would really go to counseling.  I’m done.

It is so good to have all of this silence.  And she doesn’t get into touch at all anymore, and somehow, I just know that she won’t.  I can’t control her reaction to me if she runs into me by chance, but I can control my pleasant smile that I will give.  I’m still so glad that I loved that deeply; although, there was nothing in that experience that I could control.  That is the thing that I have yielded from this part of my journey.  I can love fully without any guarantees.

 

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Wholehearted

There is a social work professor who gives some of those Ted talks in addition to seminars and the like, and although I do have her book, I have not begun reading it yet, but I plan to as she talks about living with true courage and the belief that we are truly worthy of love and belonging.  Being somewhat skeptical naturally, I tend toward thinking that just reading those words sounds much like Stuart Smalley, with the assertion that “I’m smart enough.  I’m good enough, and dammit people like me!”  However, she does not sound cheesy at all, and she boldly talks about her own journey to understand connection and vulnerability.  This seeking is exactly where I am on this leg of my journey.

I was utterly and nakedly vulnerable in my last relationship.  I exposed my whole heart and loved fully, which turned out to hurt a lot, but does not leave me feeling hollow now.  The reason being that I changed as a result of loving completely and fully and I worked harder for her than I ever have in any relationship and it was less than one year.  I’ve had much longer term relationships; although, admittedly I have not in the last five years.  But, I know that time doesn’t actually matter.  Even though it does take an entire year to get to know a woman, it is possible to have all of your passions completely ignited, which if you are connected to her can lead to significant intimacy.  That didn’t freak me out in the least, but it did her, so we really never had a commitment or did we courageously say that we are building a future.

I realized yesterday after our friends left, that control and also keeping me at arm’s length was a way of never being vulnerable and led to her feeling comfortable in our situation.  I’m still unsure if I completely understand the negative commenting and insensitivity, but I do know that because I am good to myself every single day that leads me to being a whole and kind person.

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Adjustments

I recall when my ex and I didn’t hook up for three-months that by the end of the second month, I really wanted some arms around me and some sex.  I told my psychologist (who I pay) that I won’t be getting into that pattern anymore because of the little liar.  It was unsettling that she kept truths from me craftily.  Although it would be nice to sleep with someone, I’d rather it be someone who I really know.

I get that takes time.  It takes a year.  But, conversations about what you want and value can organically develop especially when alcohol is not involved and the convo takes place in the daylight.  So, no more than 2 beers and alternating getting together for dinner and for hikes or bike rides, I think.  I’m not a skier or boarder, so that makes some girls not want to be with me.  However, I do love music.  In the middle of winter you don’t tend to think about outdoor concerts, but those are really fun too.

We hiked and sledded yesterday.  My friend who accompanied me so I had help with our dog and my son, played a bunch of songs in the car that her love interest had sent her electronically.  (She is 12-years younger than me, so I noted gone are the days of the mix tape.  And of course I used to synch my ex’s iPod monthly.)  My friend has started a distance “something” with a guy who lives on the east coast.  She was happy and a good pair of extra hands to have while my son sledded and we waited to hike.

Today friends are coming down for a couple of quiches, hashbrowns, and salad.  They have two kiddos.  I’ve known them 18-years.  I think that we will have fun.

I had this running argument with my ex that I ran by my psychologist, and that is that you can tell a lot about a girl by the way that she treats and responds to her friends.  She agreed with me and said that just knowing a woman’s friends is good information, but my ex always said that stakes are way too high in love relationships so it’s not comparable.  My ex thought that quality of friendships and feedback that you get from your friends has no relationship to your love relationship.  Even her best friend in the world was one who she would talk smack about, and I could never understand that because she would do anything for my ex.  You don’t have to agree with a person’s choice of partner, but it makes hanging out in pairs much easier.  So I thought about that this morning–meaning who your friends decide to marry or co-habitate with and it’s effect.

I think that I could ignore a partner who doesn’t treat my friend well.  In fact, I pretty much do.  My best friend who lives locally and is a woman, has a husband who is literally never home and doesn’t seem to make the kids clean up or do any chores. There is more to it too, but I just give him a hug and move on, because I’m not married to him.  My ex says underhanded things directly to the face of her best friend’s partner–one that I could quote was a crack about being overweight.  Another time, because she is incredibly quick, she said a disarmingly mean thing that let her best friend’s partner know that she was intelligent.  I think my ex lives to make others uncomfortable when her insecurities are taped.  There were also those miserable dog walks that we took wherein she’d scream at her dog because she was conducting smell fests more than walking.  She also used to throw the leash down.  I definitely get that type of response!

Like I did last summer, I’m adjusting to being single.  However, I’m different because when we tried late summer to see (just the months of our bdays), and she started her fickle dance of breaking plans when she wanted to and then unloading on me when it hurt my feelings, I just bailed.  Then when she said we weren’t priorities in each other’s lives and I lost it, she did a great job of not yelling back at me, but upon reflecting, she only was calm because she had never seen my lose my temper.  The latter is not pretty.  I’m done, done now.  I’m productive and using schedules and getting organized for the final legs of my doc too.  I think that when you tell a woman that you don’t want to approximate dating anymore, you have really ended it.  When I didn’t go to her party at the beginning of last month, I think that caused her to move even further from me.  So, then like she does with friends, she said things that sit oddly and then hurt later.

I definitely need to use my skills of observation when I start dating.  Having one girl who checked her watch and the another reflect on how feminine her ex was while I was next to them naked, has left me cautious to say the least.  I still want a girl who wants to be with me.

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The well-examined life

My friend just posted, “When our actions are based on good intentions, our soul has no regrets.”  I try to live my life that way.  I try to be mindful when I’m hanging out with people and connect to them as well as possible.  I looked at art with one of my best friends and her teaching partner yesterday.  We had fun, and I was shocked that she bought me lunch because it is her husband who is now in cancer treatment.  Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to her, right?

In addition to having good intentions and always doing the best that I can, I also work really hard at everything.  I give things my all and keep at it even when it seems hopeless.  I think this kind of focus will get me through my doctorate too.  However, because that is kinda me, I want to do it differently this time around when it comes to a girl.  I have been chatting with my friend who had to move to east coast because of her husband’s residency, and I told her that I need lots of dates before I sleep with a girl.  She told me forty and I said, “There is no way on this earth would I ever delay sex for 8-months!”  I don’t think that she “got it” that would mean two months longer than that because I don’t mix my son up ever, so it could be four nights a month, and that would be if she were available twice every other weekend.  Nope.

I had no intentions sleeping with the little liar.  I was not attracted to her, but she was very smart and seemed to have a fighting spirit, so I did wind up sleeping with her after a drunken karaoke night, and sex was that crazy one-night stand-style, but was not fulfilling.  I kept sleeping with her because she kept pursuing me.  But, the first words out of her mouth to me were lies when she extended her hand and told me that she was a teacher.  She had never finished college, she was definitely–less the sex–“in a relationship with her roommate,” and she had what Jack Nicholson’s character says in “Something’s Gotta Give,” which are versions of the truth.  She was what my friend who I hung out with all day yesterday calls “The Man Child.”  It’s not because she was more butch, it’s because she is super immature and would still probably live a college lifestyle.

I’m settled.  I have a child, house, and dog.  I don’t pick up and take off for four days unplanned because what is fun for me is planning the hows and packing well, and then letting adventures unfold after getting to where I want to be.  She would have shown up nearly any night of the week to do me, but I need a mix and a balance of plans and romance for something to work.  I also don’t fit in a fuck at the end of the night around 1 am on a work night after I’m done golfing and drinking with my buddies.  That is really hard to achieve when you have a real job and need to use your brain.  My pitying of her approach is not a judgment, but rather an explanation of a disconnect.  7-years was also too much of an age difference.  Leading with lies has made me gun shy about time too, because she and I didn’t have sex for 6-weeks, but she was good at remembering the falsehoods that she had lead with and did not trip up.

So, if there is a beautiful, light-eyed woman who I talk to tonight, I don’t mind ringing in the New Year with her, but it can’t be on a pillow.  Plus, that is hardly 20-dates.  (The drunk only had to wait four-hours.)  Mystery girl and I will have to spend more than a handful of hours to 6-weeks together before I sleep with her.  I just am looking forward to that connection again.  Tomorrow morning we head to the plains to spend a whole day on a farm, so I have to pick up my son super early from my parents.  Happy New Year.

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Some things are not ok

When I first started out working with children and families, I saw this sign and it said, “It’s ok to be mad, it is not ok to be mean.”  And that is really true.  I will be the first to admit that I often lose it when I ask my son an inordinate amount of times to cease snotty tones, backtalk, or task refusal, but when I am dealing with a lot of things, I don’t ignore it, I talk about it.  I certainly don’t say passive-aggressive or degrading things to the woman who I’m sleeping with.

The drunk used to lose her temper and always apologized.  Now, when she was loaded, she never remembered stuff that she did, but when I was getting ready to fly back and she was edgy and sad, she would get pissy and short.  The thing is that she always apologized and nine times out of ten, and she usually said that the reason was because we were so far apart and she knew that I was leaving.

My ex gets remote when I leave her house, but the thing is when stuff goes badly for her, she will not talk about it at all.  I try and try to get her to talk, but to no avail.  Last weekend, I just held her tight because I knew that she wouldn’t talk.  So, what things did she talk about when her defenses were down?  All her ex’s good qualities, and then she told me that I was acting like a dog, that I looked a certain way that she does not find attractive, and that I was unproductive.  It’s so transparent too.  I had a car accident and I am divorced completely and my properties are divided, so with that pain, I will attack the person in my bed.  WTF?  She says that I bail when things get tough.  The more accurate response is that when things get tough, she won’t talk about it, but she will criticize and be passive aggressive.

It’s ok to be sad, mad, or scared, but it is not ok when you are not wired in a way that you are able to talk about it to criticize another and say hurtful things.  I am so done.  I have actually never been this done with another human being.  We can be friends and joke around on occasion, but the girl that I’m looking for talks to me when things are scary, new, or sad.

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Want what you got

I know that it is not good to covet.  I get that.  But, my journey right now is spending time with one childless couple and one with a child who have that good thing.  You know what that is.  They get along, and obviously love each other and when you spend time with them you can either feel chemistry or good navigation of the tough stuff or even the little stuff.

My ex e-mailed at some point.  Likely she did so early in the morning.  I’m totally down for a friendship, but I don’t want a close one because I am pushing 40, and now realize that you best friend is your partner.  That is not fair to my next girlfriend to be close with my ex, and hell, it’s not fair to me either.  So, I will read the e-mail sometime after Christmas has passed.  When my son is gone and I’m cleaning and organizing.  I’m not doing it today, because I don’t have the bandwidth for it.

I’m looking for that thing.  The chemistry, the connection, and the endurance in tough times.  I know that there is a girl out there for me.  One who knows that the little silly things are not the deal breakers and that a girl like me doesn’t do any deal breakers anyway.  I don’t quit working or champion mediocrity in any fashion, I don’t cheat, have never been cheated on, or have I had those funky emotional affairs.

So wherever you are right now, I am here.  I have a house, a dog, a kid, a job and a lot of passion.  I have also learned a whole lot on my journey in the past 38-years, but being naturally adaptable and flexible, I always learn more, which makes my chosen occupation a good thing.  Meaning kids have taught me a lot, and I know that my partner can teach me even more.

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Deep inside a shadow

I’m getting ready.  I figured some things out and I feel like this new shift that all of us are supposed to have is happening for me as well.  It’s like emergence.  As there are no coincidences, it is fitting that I had the worse part of a mild flu last night and ran a high, shaking fever.

Everyone has patterns.  So does my ex.  She tends to be a grass is always greener kind of person, and that is where she and drunk are the same.  What she does is she is with someone and misses stuff about her most recent ex.  She used to miss sex with her ex who she had raised her other children with, and last Friday night she told me how she missed her most recent ex (besides me) because of the way she smelled and was such a woman in terms of having candles lit when she got home, etc.  I felt like saying, “Sorry it was always just dinner when we were together,” but instead when she was going on and on about her, I said, “Candles lit, looked beautiful, and dinner made?”  She said no that I was the only woman who ever cooked for her.  But, because she is now in her pattern of missing her ex, she remembers all the good qualities that I don’t have.  I can tell you that I’d rather have great, passionate sex!

The drunk was not exclusive with me until she moved six states away.  That is grass is always greener for her too.  She missed me and realized that she was in love with me when she and I went away to NM together for a weekend, but she was moving to the east coast in a month, so it was bad timing.  She didn’t tell me that she loved me either until I had flown to see her once, and she had just made love to me after she had come for a trip and visit.  At that point, the drunk had flown to visit my son and I about a month after I had visited her back east, and then she professed her love after we had a our first night together.  Although, I did love her, I was never in love with her.  I was slowly realizing that she had a problem with alcohol; honestly she loved the bottle way more than my son for sure.  And I was a distant third.

My ex loves money.  She says all the time that she is not materialistic, but she is.  She hoards material things because she fears an early death and her beautiful little boy being without as she was.  That I do get.  I don’t want my son to feel poor.  I work around the clock because of that issue of mine too.  She and I both had periods in our childhoods with periods of significant poverty.  My son has never known eating shitty food or living somewhere unsavory.  Her son will never know these things either.  So, in that way, we are driven by the same fear.

Grass is always greener and driven by desire for more.  Me?  I just want to find a sexy, bright woman who wants a resolution with me because she knows that I’m worth it.  I’m the one that she wants to build a future with and doesn’t make her feel any longing.  I’ll know when I meet her, and want to start off with let’s figure out what we both do in conflict and talk about it while we honeymoon.  She and I can figure it out…  Together.

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Must recall

I was just thinking how “selfish, negative, and creepy” has now been reduced to “not productive,” and the clear contrasts with an ex and some slights about appearance.  I think that I like the former failings better because they are overtly aggressive and not passively aggressive, and again, like I said in October when we had sex outside of the context of relationship, “I couldn’t see having a lifetime of that.”  I still can’t.