Tag Archives: Journey

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Pleasant

I was getting ready to get in the shower very late yesterday–well, late for me, given it was ten of six–and I got a text notification signal.  It was a voice recording from my ex and was pleasant enough.  She said that she wanted to catch up with me on the phone.  So, I called her and we had a good conversation.  My two friends at work asked why I didn’t then send the email.  I said, “Well, it would be apropos of nothing given that I laughed twice and the convo was innocuous.”  I think that email exists as a “Don’t push it,” boundary if I’m being honest with myself.  And she pushed nothing.  She is truly in sales and marketing–even with her social skills.  The conversation was completely business-like, and could have been a couple of colleagues who have known each other for a few years who are warm for the most part with each other.  I still hold that she is glad that I’m not dating, and I do believe that the email will be sent when I am after she is not comfortable with my heart moving with another woman.

I have to intern next year, so I am collecting a few letters of recommendation.  Given that I had just done a presentation for our department two days ago, which is about 25 people, I asked one of the big bosses to do one.  My immediate supervisor had already written one as well, and I talked with my ex about an upcoming interview and gathering stuff.  She said, “I want to read the letter,” and I said, “I actually haven’t read the whole letter because one of the first paragraphs are some of the nicest things that I have ever read about me.  I had to stop reading it.” After I forwarded it to her, I did read the whole thing and it accounted for all the things that I have to do as a professional.  My immediate supervisor had said earlier in her letter that I was the best one in my role that she had worked with in 29-years.  It’s bittersweet to leave next year… I wish that I had two doctoral supervisors in the site so I could just stay.

My former colleague who I don’t have 100% trust in, texted last night that she was with the woman who was my coming out affair for an hour last night.  I tried to call her and she wouldn’t pick up because she said that she couldn’t multitask and was putting her girls to bed.  Very odd that she and my most recent ex had been somewhat in my circle on the same day.  And of course Peter Pan and I spoke after she was texting night before last.  Again, exes seem to come out the wood work at the same time some days.  Of course, there aren’t really coincidences anyway.

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Potayto

Are you kidding me?  You talk to me on the phone and argue semantics?  Peter Pan asked if I had sent her CD and said she was moving.  I apologized and asked for her new addy.  She said, “No, I’ll pick it up.”  I said, “Tell me when to leave it in my door,” and then just like her she got all sad sack about it.  For the love of Pete, dude, I haven’t seen you since either the end of July or the first couple days of August–I’d have to check my blog–and you didn’t even miss this CD until I realized that I had it.  She said, “I understand that you don’t want to see me,” and I said, “I just got home.  Give me a few and I’ll call,” and she said, “No worries.  You don’t have to talk to me.”

Sooooo intense and dramatic.  We had sex a handful of times.  You were my rebound.  I told you after we’d done it one night that you needed a nice, young sensible girl who wouldn’t be doing clinical hours next school year.  We had an understanding.

She then started in about how great she is.  I told her, “You are pretty lacking in integrity,” and she said, “I’m the most integrous person that you’ll ever meet.”  Now that cracked me up.  She never finished college and introduced herself to me as a teacher of kids with special needs.  And she let that run for seven-weeks!

Later in our convo tonight, she asked me if I was seeing anyone.  A bit later she asked if she had introduced herself to me as an assistant, would I be her friend and still be dating her?  OMG!

You tell me that what you did was not a lie and that I’m the one with the problem and then it’s obvious that you thought you could date me again.  WhoTF do you think you are?  I couldn’t believe it.  She said that I was wrong several times, and that she is the best person she knows.  Good.  I don’t like untruths or lacking in authenticity.  I’m fine with not knowing the best person in the world.

I told her that I wish her peace and the best, but I am sending her CD (It’s already in a cardboard mailer–photo type one.), but I don’t desire to see her and that she thinks that it’s fine to let someone run with lies of omission for weeks, and then only say after you’ve hung out with someone for seven-weeks, but only just after you’ve had sex a few days, “I have let you believe something that is not true,” is completely lacking in accountability imho.

She said that: “I have let you believe something that is not true.”   How is that not a lie?  I told her that we don’t see things the same way, have nothing in common, and that I’m good on the friends front.  I did also tell her that on the off-chance that I run into her, I will say hello and exchange pleasantries, but we don’t need to prearrange.  After all, it’s me with the problem wanting someone to mean what she says and say what she means, and I don’t know, be honest.

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A little dangerous

My weekend was good all and all.  My friends made us a simply wonderful dinner on Saturday night and hanging with them is always incredible.  I have great friends.  My son got too tired from all the activity on Saturday, so he was a bit grouchy and annoying on Sunday, but today he made up for it.  I love watching his dance class.  I have only rarely missed it–like maybe four times in a year.  He talked my ear off all night otherwise, we had a wonderful dinner and our house is clean and nearly all organized.  I also made a helluva dent in my dissertation shell today.  All very good.

The weekend had a small thing come up…  I was with only one of the girls who made me a dinner a couple of weeks ago (It was the one who actually cooked.) over on Sunday.  She hung out with me for about three-hours too.  I wish that she wasn’t 5’8″, hot, and smart.  We laughed.  She played with my son–which would NOT be occurring if she was a love interest–and we took a walk around the pond and then she did the cutest thing…  She asked to swing with me.  Damn.  Can you say, “CONTRAST?”  So sweet and tender.  It is a bit worse because although I’ve known her a little less than a year, it feels like more because one of my best friends (who now lives in another state) is her BFF.  We just gel and click and I’m so comfortable with her.

I told two friends today that means that I can’t really hang out with just her again.  And, I won’t.

Now, I just really do need a distraction.

I ran finally tonight.  I don’t know how long it’s been since I actually worked out at all.  I’m drinking chicken broth with garlic and cayenne currently.  I could only run a little over a mile.  I had some wicked coughing fits today.  Tomorrow is my A weights, which is probably my least favorite day of the week, so “Yay, me!”  It’s really nice not to have clients tomorrow.  I have to work tomorrow night, but will score and write a report after my son goes to bed.  I don’t have to be away from him which is very nice.

That’s it.  A dirty confession.  Given that I was raised Catholic, it actually makes me feel like shit, but I have never cheated and am not going to start at 38-and-a-half.

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Going great

We got my son’s room organized completely with the exception of his closet and a toy box.  I have sooooo many plastic guys, metal cars, and just random crap to take to the Thrift Store in addition to all his size 6 clothing.  I would say that we probably have about two hours or so left in his room.  Not only can you see his floor, but his closet is not barfing out his art supplies and old cleats and such.

I just have not been able to locate one of his shin guard covers.  However, he has worn those for two seasons, so the guard may not be big enough anyway, so I could justify buying new cleats and shin guards.  You can buy those in a bundle and his soccer cleats are size 2.  My son is a horse, so I will have to buy him 3.5 as it is for his new shoes.  It was cool because his best friend’s Mom had gotten him his basketball shoes for his first season.  It was not cool that our dog found them and ate the pull strap off the back of one shoe.  Those were thrown out, because he doesn’t have need for them again.  He can wear his high top Chuck Taylor’s this August for camp.

His best friend’s bday party was fun.  I didn’t get a chance to be able to get my non-dating lower half bikini body ready in terms of maintenance.  It’s funny how carefully shaving gets so rare when you’re not getting laid, but I was super glad that I had not shaven when we got there, because that Rec Center pool was probably 30-times more crowded than the two that he and I use in our city.  The noise was deafening.  Thank God that we had dinner plans at our friend’s house.  I needed those microbrews.

The only thing that was slightly special about the playdate portion of the night was that we had to bring our dog and one of the Moms is so allergic to dogs.  So, of course she was jumping up on the French Doors and being a shit.  We had people scouring our house–I have not been able to hire this daughter-father team since 2010, but they do an incredible job.  Our hard woods are completely clean and the bathrooms are shining.  I had no idea that they would still be at my house 3-hours later.  We took our dog and thanked our friends for being so accommodating.  Our dog had been at Doggie Day Camp for six-hours, but they live across the street from a dog park, so she tore it up there too with a boxer and a whippet-lab.

She is sleeping now while I wake up–again–but this time only with a slightly sore throat.  I’m going to get through this thing with no antibiotics.  I’m proud.  It has been hell.  I’ll do my first round of cardio tonight, so I can lift tomorrow.  I am not hacking up my lungs right now or am I blowing my nose over and over and over.  So, I think that before my week off, which is the week after next, I should be fantastic.

Today is church for at least two-hours given my announcement role, and a small brunch at least with one of my friends.  Then we can do some laundry before we go to my parents’ house for dinner.  I’m sharing the lentils with smoked chicken with them, and my Mom is making biscuits for my son.  I’m not close in particular with my parents, but I am honest with them.  Just can’t see them much due to my boundaries for my health.  They are just grandparents to my son too, but they watched him for over a year before I put him in daycare.  My father is good with little kids, but when they start to talk, he is weirdly permissive and passive-aggressive with my Mom and tries that shit with me too.  “Your grandmother wants you to do that,” and that really makes limits difficult.  I grew up in “The Shining,” because he’s Bi-Polar, and has only been on meds for three-years.  I’m not exaggerating even slightly, and do know that I have chosen an alcoholic and a volatile-cycler last because chaos is normal for me.  It’s not a bad thing to be single for some time.

I asked my friends again why they didn’t know anyone who I could date or chill with.  They said, “Well, the one who is single is butch and overweight.”  I showed her a pic of Shane and said, “See?  Butch is fine as long as it’s soft and you have nice features.”  They remarked on how pretty she was and then asked why we still weren’t together given our two years.  I told just one bar story and it wasn’t a scary one either, but was comical for the part I had chosen.  They both cracked up and said, “Oh.”  That was the end of that.  Honestly, it’ll happen when it’s meant to.  I’m not sleeping much because of the lack of exercise and this shitty cold, so it’s nice not to wake up a girl this week.  Life will calm down and I’ll be somewhere, and a girl and I will just notice each other…

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Weekend is nearly here

I’m so glad that it’s Friday.  I guess that I will have to get antibiotics–I don’t think that I’ve had this kind for sickness since 2003–if the cough is still here and bad on Monday.  I haven’t done any exercise at all less some walking and it sucks.  I know that you shouldn’t have this much gunk and not sleep through the night in a week, but I hate doctors and medical intervention in general.  I will have to go though, if the weekend is like the week has been on the health front.  There are times of day when I can’t complete sentences without coughing.  I swim with my son at a bday party on Saturday afternoon, and then two Moms who have a son are making us dinner.  That makes for a good Saturday.  Sunday is busy because I have to do the announcements at church, so I have to get up really early because my friends who I had dinner with last month are coming to the eleven service with me.  I think that one of my best buddies and her neighbor are as well.  I may have to make extra brunch food on Sunday morning in case they want to come over afterward as well.

I’m happy and balanced.  I had one of those weird shifts on Wednesday night and I wrote in pen about my relationship history.  Over the last six-years, I have been with six different women in some fashion of trying to see if a relationship was possible.  I was with Shane for two-years–she wanted to marry me–and with Bette, I guess, for a year and some change.  I guess, because I slept with Peter Pan when Bette and I didn’t see each other during the summer.  Sometimes I’ve been with girls for two months, and another time, I have been with a girl for two years.  Before Bette and I reconnected, I had my eight or nine day thing, but it was a Fix-me-Ms.-Rebound.  Sadly, that worked, and I don’t want that right now.

A very good friend of mine is on the “I don’t want a relationship bus,” right now and has been going on dates.  She had fallen in love with a guy last year, and it turns out that he sleeps with all kinds of different women and is unlikely to ever move from a neighboring state.  She shed a lot of tears over him and really wanted to be his #1.  They have great conversations.  Now, she just sleeps with him when he’s in town visiting his children, and when she leaves town to visit her sister and nieces, but her heart isn’t involved.  That seems like a safe thing really.

I took a walk with a friend last night while my son played in the park.  We just made loops so we could supervise him.  I talked about wanting to meet tons of girls to chill with and maybe to expand my social circle.  I don’t know about my winter of celibacy moving into spring or not.  My friend is really funny, and logged into my laptop and started reading a Strictly Platonic ad on Craigslist.  It said something to the effect of, “Hey, let’s meet up and if something develops that’s great too.  I’m an Aquarius, and I can quickly piss off a Virgo…”  I cracked up, and she was confused.  I said, “That’s what I am!  And that is true.  Look how long my son had his Nerf gun before he destroyed the inner workings of the housing with sand.”  I do things the conventional way, and my son does things any way and argues about strange things.  I don’t think that I have ever said, “I’m not going to engage in this.  I care too much,” more than I did last night.  He is a nut.  I love him, but wouldn’t want anything like that in female form.

It’s funny because church girl said that she is loving being single and not tending to a relationship.  I like this time of silence as well, and can take care of stuff for school and clinical hours without having to explain my schedule.  However, being an extrovert, I’d be fine with meeting up for dinner, hikes, movies, beers, biking, or day trips with new girls.  I’m doing a microbrew and food sampling fest next Saturday.  I’m not going with friends either, and just will probably start at the bar and the mosey about some.  I’d like to do a film festival with discussions too.  I may do some Meetups at some point.  I just have zero interest in dating sites.  People tell you what you want to hear, and really just want to get laid.  Not to be arrogant, but if I stay around a bar until 1, I can do that any night of the week, but that’s just not what I’m seeking anymore.  Frankly, connection has become too important to me.

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Timing

Now, it really is a timing thing.  She explained that as she thought about it, that she is getting very solid on her own and doesn’t want to date.  She was fairly vulnerable when she was texting me earlier in the night and she is actually sick.  I’ve heard of the condition that she has too, and I know that you fatigue significantly in the sun.  That would be horrible for a girl like me, who simply loves being out all of the time.  I know that when you’re in no shape to date, you can’t date.  That is why I could just do Peter Pan for a few days, because she was a silly girl, and I couldn’t really take her seriously.  I had no idea that she was basically a liar though when she and I hooked up last summer.  Again, that was just a good rebound thing for me, and helped me just put a hard stop on a relationship with my ex because I had that fling.

This girl from church is straightforward and honest.  That is a good thing.  I won’t really seek out a friendship with her, but when she texts or interacts on my FB, I will definitely be my normal, conscientious self.  I think that when you have as much going on as she she does that she won’t contact me but about once a week.  We can be friends and that is fine with me.

Speaking of creepy, my ex knew that I was planning on a date last weekend, and she knew that I had a date with this particular girl last August when she flipped her shit and came down for “friendship,” but it was sex and then two months of dating again.  She emailed and asked me how my date was.  Since I won’t write really I said, “Didn’t happen.”  Then she said, “Why?  You ok?”  I said, “Long story.  All good.”  Then with incorrect punctuation she said that she wanted to know the story and asked how my son was.  I realized Hemingway sentences were not working right now so I said, “If you want to build a friendship with me, call sometime.  _______ is wonderful.”  Then silence on the chess board.  What a piece of work.

I do not miss that party bus, let me tell you.  It’s taken nearly a season free of seeing her less once, but I really do get it now.  I also get her.  We had slept together once in October and I told her, “I just couldn’t see doing a lifetime of this,” and I still can’t.  I also can’t interact much with her.  She will do what she does.  Her rapid fire questioning and her nicey-nicey stuff.  I can’t control her, but I can stay mostly cool with her.  My next response is already written and it will piss her off to high hell and keep her quiet for a week.  I’m hoping that someday, she just won’t contact me at all.  I think that will happen when I fall in love with a woman.  That will take me some time, but I am mostly just glad to have reassurance that she will be civil in public to me.  That’s a good way to end it.

It’s a good way to end a possible dating prospect with exchanging information regarding where you are too.  I’m not going to hustle for a friendship with her, but I’m here and will chat with her whenever she’d like.  I certainly won’t rapid fire questions or try to get her to talk to me by acting superficially disingenuous!

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Ready, set

I saw the best thing early this morning when I woke up to have a coughing fit.  It was one of those Venn diagrams, which are often touted by educators, but it has three overlapping circles with “self” inside of it.  It was in a blog.  I had to post it.  Captions at the tops of each of the circles talked about what people need from people in their lives.  I’m paraphrasing here, because I closed my social media site after posting it–after all I’m in the mode to unplug except for this activity.  Self included: people who always make you smile, people who always teach you something new about the world, and people who you want to spend the rest of your life with, which applied to self, which was actually the word “you” on the diagram.  That’s it.

I’m pairing down.  I only kept non-close people in this first round of unfriending from my church community, because you do see them every Sunday, and could wind up cleaning up their yards and doing food drives for them.  Plus, not to be homocentric, but it’s something that I’ve noticed over the last 18-months, they would do anything for my son.  Tons would show up if he were sick, and probably some of them who I have never said a word to or even made eye contact.  I think because many of them never wound up having kids, they love the few kids who attend church.  Some of them know who I am too.  As an example, a guy and his boyfriend grabbed me as I was exiting the large liquor store that is part of the local grocery store that I use.  He said, “We go to your church.  We love to hear you read.”  I don’t think that I’ve mentioned prior that I have a husky, radio voice.  No clue who this guy is.  But, connection would be extended in the other direction if he or his bf were sick or something.  You help people in your community.

I don’t want former colleagues who don’t keep up with my son on there.  I don’t want people who don’t have similar values on there.  I don’t want any exes on their except for my second girlfriend, who I lived with for three years in college.  She is barely bi.  I am the only woman who she has had sex with, and she has two kids, a straight marriage, a great career, and lives 350-miles away from me, because I went to college out of state.  She also relentlessly teases me, has known me 20-years this fall, and will “get” me on some levels that new people just won’t.  Of course, my ex-husband is also on there, but shit, I’ve known him 19-years this fall, and we share a child.  He doesn’t really get himself on the whole, but he is part of my life.  My ex-gf from college falls in the “make me smile,” and “someone who I want to spend the rest of my life with.”

Church girl never wrote back.  I recall, I believe that she promised to call after our first date as well, and never did that–although, I did have to cancel our second date.  I don’t think that she’s consistent.  That’s something that I am.  I’m also willing to work hard and see things through.  Please recall that I wrote the apology to her more for me, because I wanted her to know what truly was bad timing and that I believe she will have peace, prosperity, and a wonderful girl in the future.  Her first partner died.  I don’t know how.  But, we are not dating, and I made my honest, authentic olive branch.

My ex cannot always make me smile.  Mostly because interactions with people is chess with her.  She must control all moves.  My ex taught me 4 new lessons about the world.  I thanked her for those the before the last time that I saw her.  My ex is not someone who I want to spend the rest of my life with.  I’m glad that we dated, she left good lessons for me, but I don’t want to see her or seek her out.

I’m really ready to move forward.  I’m so good on my own and can chill with friends in three to four hour intervals any day of the week.  They are my family.  I have a beautiful son.  Our dog is very sweet.  I have kept my house and my car and have stayed afloat amidst pay cuts and huge health insurance hikes.  I’m set for a future, and very much looking forward to the next steps on this journey.

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No agenda

I wrote to the girl from church yesterday and did so, as I wrote, more for myself than anything else.  I had no agenda doing it, but rather wanted her to know about what really was bad timing on our part.  We had a nice first date.  We talked fairly easily and were good just walking loops around the park–I think that total we spent about three-hours together, which is a long first date.  I think that it was easier because she and I had seen each other and also sat together several times.

I told her the truth.  I explained that ours was definitely a favorite of my first dates, and I have had LOTS of dates.  I also explained that my ex came down the following week, and then I found myself back in the same pattern, but after two months, I realized that I was the one who had changed and she hadn’t.  I told her that I don’t desire a friendship with her, but on the off-chance that we would run into each other, I’d like to be civil.  About five-years ago, I told a friend, “There are twelve lesbians in ______ , and they all talk.”  I repeated that for sometime, and then just decided to increase the number each time someone said, “______ , there are more than that!”  I’m only up to 51.  This is a cliquey and small community.

I still don’t know if she’ll go out with me.  She seems to hang with the fifty-ish women from church.  But, honestly, I always call it the Church O’ Boyz.  There just aren’t many women there period.  Also, she has had tons of stress as of late because she has been unable to find employment, and belongs to the “no expectations, no disappointments” school.  I don’t go there.  I have hope and trust in my journey and know that it leads me exactly where I need to be everyday.

My cold is better.  I did wake up very early coughing, but rested in bed for a few and now am typing.  I have the coolest thing in the world right now, but haven’t turned it on yet this morning.  It’s a little wireless speaker with a BIG sound.  I stream Pandora from my phone on Bluetooth and have music nearly throughout my house.  It’s even better than those Bose systems and was a fifth of the price.  I want one more speaker so I can always have music everywhere in my 50s ranch.  I don’t have carpet upstairs so the hardwoods help carry sound.  I love it.  I’m a music freak.

All is quiet on the ex front.  Yay.  I think that it helps to write an answer to a question in the subject of an email and then attach only a link in the body.  That is my comfort zone.  Hey, I’m creepy, negative, and selfish and have zero compassion, so might as well be that way.  Speaking of which, I have to tell one of my best friends that I don’t want her to move in in June.  Yikes.  It would ruin our friendship.  I’m taking her for grass-fed burgers and brews tonight.  There is live music too if I can stay up.  That gets really hard for me when I have two beers and I have not been able to exercise.  I just have to be honest with her; although, I do know that she needs to decrease her bills by $300.

Seems like I’m being honest with everyone.  Good path, that.  I honestly have thought a lot about the way that the girl from church pulled me closer to her so our abdomens were pressed together when we embraced after our date in August.  She grabbed my arm too and ran her hand down it.  I’m bigger now than I was in the summer too, so she may want to do that again.  Also, sometimes she has played with my hair in church.  I am going early today, but when I do see her again at a later service, I’m going to flirt.  Hell, I’m single.

I wonder if there will be some nice girls at the 5Ks in April.  Who knows?  However, I draw the line at on-line shit.  I had a couple of girls from there in 2008 – 09, but they were not women that I would have ever organically run into, so.  One was a cowgirl who lived in a neighboring state.  She was awesome in bed, but not a great kisser.  The other one was a damn Gemini who did all the back and forth mindfuck stuff.  I let that one completely go and then three-months later she wanted to do a summit with me.  WTF?  Sounds like Bette though.  Hmm…

I know that she is out there.  I’d love to go to dinner with the girl from church, but the ball is in her court given that when we had a date, I was like a cautionary tale.  I apologized for that, and told her that I wish her peace, prosperity, and a path to her ONE.

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S squared

That is kind of an inside joke too, because I have had two girls with the EXACT same initials as each other; although I dated them 4-years apart.  They both liked “squaring” their names too.  Anyway, I woke up on Friday morning before 1 and my throat was completely on fire.  It made working very difficult yesterday.  I don’t like working sick, but I had specific duties yesterday so couldn’t have missed barring a bone break or the like.

I can’t go to Boot Camp this morning, because I’m still sore in the throat, and my chest hurts.  I’m way better though and went back to sleep this morning and slept until 7.  I feel like a different person in comparison to last night though.  This pattern happened last right before my two-week vacation in December.  I was sicker than hell that Friday night and got better by sleeping a ton.  I was soooo sick.  I did the same thing as now and that was get a ton of sleep to rid myself of it.  I had just a week earlier told my ex that I couldn’t approximate dating with her back in December…  It was a week before this winter started.

The second s is snow!  It’s doing it again.  I’m so glad.  If it would do it once a week through mid-April, we could get some water into our reservoirs.  I’m just going to hope for that.  I don’t want my climbing season to be shitty.  I don’t want to look west and see smoke and have the hills and mountains be obscured.  I know that is the natural cycle of things, but I want to raise my son where we have real seasons and definitely this beautiful snow.  Yay.

She texted me twice yesterday.  I didn’t text her back, but when I got done with clients, I found the original article that I had read which gave her the answer to one of the texts that she had sent.  I wrote the word (answer) in the subject line and attached the article link.  We are NOT BFF.  There are so many reasons for that too, which I shall list here:

  1. We didn’t work as partners because she criticizes and controls
  2. I have TONS of friends who I simply have a good “show-up” factor in terms of our relationships
  3. I don’t want to drive up there.  The peak that she lives next to is not one that I ever want to climb, and there are PLENTY of places to snowshoe here
  4. When I talk to her, there is very little joy that is emitted from her…  She may laugh once or twice, but is really serious
  5. I can’t think of anything that she complained about me that wasn’t something that she was, in fact, doing
  6. My son doesn’t miss her, but misses her son
  7. She would benefit from finding peace, but tranquility is not typically found in interactions with your ex
  8. We don’t see the demise of our relationship in the same way
  9. We don’t find the same types of people fascinating, and her friends are not very funny less the girl who introduced us
  10. She didn’t love me enough to learn strategies to resolve conflicts, alternate driving, or do something on a date that I thought of or planned

So, no thanks.  We are cool, but we are not friends.  We don’t have interactions with people in the same way, and I seek happiness, laughter, and connection.  I don’t feel happy around her, and I’m no longer connected to her.  My shrink said it’s because she gets scared, but I don’t intimidate or compete with others, so I’m not the scary one frankly.

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Steps

So, I don’t think that the girl from church will go out with me.  That’s fine, because I probably present to her like a cautionary tale.  Let’s rewind.  After the tragedy that took place this summer, we were at a prayer service together.  That’s because on occasion, I had been looking at her across church and I thought that she was cute, but at the time, which was last spring, I was trying to sort out my shitty relationship, but was still very much in love with my ex. Post-it note that one.  It’s an important key to me and who I am.

This past summer I did not sleep with my ex.  In fact I did not sleep with my ex for three months, and then we reconnected for two months and slept together outside of the context of relationship until winter began.  I have been single (COMPLETELY) this winter.  I am proud of that, because I have mindfully and with lots of reflection moved through our break-up.  I have also gotten to a point wherein I am not consciously looking for anyone.  I honestly believe that a girl will cross my path.

Flashback to summer: After the regular church service ended, I talked to this girl finally.  We had a good conversation, and then she told one of the transgirls in the congregation and one of her good friends that she was going to sit with me.  We attended a prayer service.  I had been sleeping with Peter Pan a bit, but when her bullshit / lies unraveled and she got clingy, I told her that this was not the stuff of slow, getting to know you dating.  I bounced.  So, I figured since I did, I’d ask out the girl from church.  I did.

We had a great first date.  We walked from church to a neighboring park.  We ate homemade pasta salad and summer fruits and drank sparkling water.  We walked around the park several times, and unfortunately she got blisters 😦  Then I walked her back to her car and told her that I’d like to see her two weeks from now and have a drink.  At the time, I didn’t know that she was a recovering alcoholic.  I don’t know all of her story; although, I do know a lot about her.  Anyway, I told her that I had a great time, and then I embraced her.  She pulled me closer and then pressed her abdomen on mine.  I’m pretty sure that she wanted me to kiss her, but Peter Pan took a lot out of me the month before.  I no longer trust girls who I don’t know.  I pulled away–I didn’t even put my face in her neck–and then she grabbed my bicep and also ran her hand down my arm.  That was clear.

Then, my ex did a powerplay that week and came down for dinner so we could “talk.”  Fuck?  Yes.  I tried really hard those two months, and didn’t talk to the girl from church on the phone again until October.  She also knows that my ex has historically driven me nuts.  She probably won’t go out to dinner with me.  I get it.

I really don’t need any friends.  There are several who I miss so much and who I don’t get to see.  One of whom has four kids, and is really the sole supporter of them, so I really do have to come to her.  I don’t though.  I haven’t seen her since October either.

Back to one of my values.  I’m monogamous.  Shane was not when I met her, and honestly that didn’t matter all summer that we had sex.  At that point in my life–I was newly out and 34–I didn’t care to have a girlfriend and just wanted an FB.  Sleeping with Shane has lots of benefits.  She gives, which is unique for a woman like me who had two str8 girl gf’s as a adolescent.  And she is very good at what she does.  However, once you have slept with Shane for some time, it gets perfunctory.  It always works because Shane is after all pretty much a sex addict, but it lacks spontaneity and connection.  The sad thing about Shane is that she always used to say to me, “Don’t fall in love with me.”  She said that all summer and then for about four months that winter that we reconnected.  However, she stopped saying it when we went to NM.  Because she fell in love with me.

That was pretty consuming.  To have Shane fall in love with you!  So, I tried with her, because I am monogamous and because having a girl like that fall for you certainly gave me lots of pause.  Plus, she told me in NM that I was the best lover that she ever had.  She still says that to this day, and talks about missing our sex life.  I won’t ever sleep with her again, because we were really just a summer fling.

I didn’t care who Shane was sleeping with the summer that we met.  Later in winter when she reconnected with me on NYD and told me, “I’ve missed you so much.  I have never stopped thinking about you,” I thought that we could just date.  No, Shane also loved the love triangle.  I told her in a letter the following summer (after we had known each other a year) that she really liked juggling two women, and that it was highly unlikely that you could meet your one in a bar.  I wrote, “You liked the Pepsi Challenge of the triangle.  I.E. “Let me service her, and then get my needs met.”  She didn’t like that and just went off on me.  That’s my thing really.

If I say something to a girl that is my belief, why can’t she just say, “I get that you see it that way, and here is my perspective.”  I even talked to Bette about my trying hard, but it was not enough because it left her feeling that I had zero compassion.  That’s her perspective.  My being the sole driver, making meals, tending to her boy occasionally (I love him so much.) while she showered or whatever, making pictures, writing out cards, and just shutting up and holding her was not enough.  To her, I lacked compassion, was creepy, negative and selfish.  Although, I don’t get why she’d feel that way about me, but I do honor that is her perspective of who I am.  In that case, it means that we should not have a connection anymore.  I don’t know anyone who thinks that when I make efforts, that is who I am.

I have taken to writing to a mystery girl in pen at night before I go to bed.  I’d like to meet a new girl.  So, I write about good hugs, good conversation, passion, and connection.  I don’t write about good conflict resolution skills, but I think that those are of value too.  Can you call in your one by putting out intentions to her?

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Nakedly mean is back

I told her that we didn’t have bad timing because she already has a girlfriend.  Then she unloaded on me and said that I completely lack compassion and that is something that she never understood.  Frankly, I got sick of the “timing” card, which was always bullshit, so I called that.  She admitted that she never wanted to drive to me so she could see me.  That is what stung the worse, and I always assumed it.  I get being tired, but my world is that it is always better when I wake up next to a woman when my week has been long or bad–but I didn’t say that.

All of these exchanges are via email.  I told her that I don’t know a single person who thinks that I lack compassion and I listed all the straws that I grasped at including always driving to her–sometimes several times in the same weekend–just to be with her to support as best as I could, especially after she lost her father.  She does not acknowledge that, and it’s because all people have drawbacks to her.  They are failing her.  They don’t give her an even exchange of what she gives them.

People do have weaknesses.  People do fuck up.  Maybe that’s true, but I don’t lead with them, because I would be sad and miserable.

Additionally, I told her that because I don’t know anyone who thinks that I lack compassion, I am not meant to be close with her, and she agreed.  We will see how long.  I don’t care though.  I tried to be her friend, but she has this bizarre flavor wherein she lists what a great woman I am and how “proud” she is of me, only to then tell me that I lack compassion.  She must still think that I am creepy, negative, and selfish too.  Again, those are not things that even my good friend who I have always had since 5th grade thinks.  Consensus is that I’m direct, honest, and straightforward.  I’ll take the consensus, because I only entertain a friendship with her for a day or two.  In fact, I only entertained a relationship in the same manner after September.  I told her that we don’t show up to the external world in the same way and that I wish her peace.

So, I have a few sentences.

  1. Fine.  How are you?
  2. Good.  Just working.
  3. Great.  He is doing tons.
  4. How are things for you?
  5. Hours for school are hard.

Cool!  I have read enough Hemingway to be able to do this stuff well.  That’s it.  It’s on a rolodex.  (However in the days of SIM cards and synching your email to your phone, those days are over.)  But, I can open this entry when she does get in touch with me again so I have my list.  Those are the ONLY things that I will say to her.

My girl from church and I didn’t get to talk on the telephone yesterday.  Damn.  I think that she likes being pursued though.  I don’t have time for that though, and haven’t had to do it much.  I came out at 33.  I lived with my college gf, and my hs gf lived across the street from me.  I’ve never had to pursue much, and generally do like the quote that those who want to be caught are the true catches, so I’ll just wait to hear from her.  That is what is best with introverted Water Signs.  And believe me, I have had three–fourteen-years worth–and also a few dates with a girl who was exactly her sign.  The secret is…  Don’t overwhelm them.

She has to work all day on Saturday, and because she has been unemployed for so long, I completely get that.  I left her a VM and said that the offer for dinner is always open, because I’d like to get to know her better and that if I need to get a sitter, so be it.  Yesterday, I actually had to serve communion as well.  She came up in a large group of transgirls and when I smiled at her, she flushed.  It was very cute.  I texted her later that for what it was worth she looked pretty today and I was glad that she took communion from me.  It’s nice to flirt.  I’ll see what transpires.  I do think that summer is a good time for me, and even if it’s super hot and burning again, I have done my hard work moving through a bad relationship, and I even had my sex-only rebound thing.  I’m looking for more.  I’m going to go to my friend’s church a bit this summer too.  I also have two races in April, and then one in June, and one in July, and a cycling event in September.

Church was beautiful yesterday.  Having been raised Catholic, I can’t think of a time that lent has been beautiful, but it was in my church, and the message was that we are not alone ever and that we are all works in progress.  I sat by this guy who I really like.  He is sweet and fairly quiet, but very bright.  He and I both had tears during the service.  My boy came bounding up with paper dolls right before the last prayer for communion–of course with wounds on some of them–and said, “They are all different.”  It seems that they are still doing diversity in the children’s liturgy.

I don’t want to “get things right.”  Rather, I want to move and learn from a woman who walks my path and and I walk hers.  I’m good with being “in progress.”  Remember that Bill Murray only really does want Andie McDowell in “Groundhog Day,” but he has to become well-rounded and authentic before she will even notice him much?  I am good with where I am.  I don’t put others down, and I know that I can be good to those who I know and nurture.

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Just what I needed to hear

There are no coincidences in this life, and I have found that I can either embrace where I am in my journey and move forward, or I can keep doing crazy things that are not mindful either only to be faced with similar circumstances when conditions are the same, or being miserable when I’m trying to ferret through them feeling imbalanced.  I think that Einstein is the one who said, “Crazy is doing the same thing, but expecting a different result.”  Why would I have thought that she could just be herself with me and we could form a friendship?

Nakedly mean is gone, but now she is back to pseudo encouragement and I found her signature in one of her notes completely disingenuous and actually revolting.  I remember everything, and it’s a nickname that one of the girls from the bday trip that we took last fall calls her.  This is a girl who Bette says, “I don’t really respect her or the way she leads her life.”  Nice.  Good judgmental stuff and completely phony when you act sweet as pie around her when we were all together.

When she was saying that she doesn’t know where her relationship will go, and that she didn’t like what happened visa vi her new gf’s ex, she also said, “I don’t like dating.  I like to be in a relationship.”  I told her that it is good that she is dating and that I believe she will learn a lot about herself and who she is while she does it.  She reiterated and laughed a little and said, “But, I really don’t like it.”

I have dated for six-years.  In fact, I have not gotten a hard commitment for Saturday night, and if she is not in church today and I don’t hear from her, it will just be too gamey for me.  It is completely possible that her friends are saying, “Don’t do this, she will just get back with her ex, ” but if that’s the case, then she is too swayed by other people.  So, we shall see what church is like today.

The engineer’s Dad died suddenly and unexpectedly while Bette and I were at the death psychic.  I have written to her and offered my support.  That’s terrible and odd that it happened the night that it did.  I also heard one of the songs that Bette said that I’d like, because my very young client came to session asking if I heard it.  It’s catchy, but I couldn’t listen to it much because it’s too repetitive.  Songs like this always remind me of when I couldn’t get “Personal Jesus” out of my head.  I didn’t even buy “Violator” because I used to nearly vomit hearing that over-played song.  The one that she recommended has already been parodied a ton too and came out at the end of August.  We just don’t get music as fast here as they do back East.  I wrote her two or three lines, and then all the superficial stuff ensued.  I told her that what I am comfortable with is exchanging pleasantries when we run into each other, and that I wish her the best.

I think that’s it.  It’s binary.  When emotions get tripped–I did tell her that I was going to date the girl from church and get over the ten-year age difference–she can go two ways.  She can get mean and talk about how awful I am, or she can be superficially encouraging.  Both of these reactions do not come from the heart and lack authenticity.  No thanks.  I told her that I’m done for a long time.  And since I have never contacted her, it actually means that there will be no contact at all.  When we do see each other–it will probably be the women’s cycling event in September–we can exchange pleasantries.  I’m not being her friend or do I want a friendship.  I’m just glad that my memories of her will not culminate into her being nasty to me in public, and that would be the sole outcome of a life-changing relationship for me.

I got into one of the pages that I like this morning.  An article by Cole caught my attention immediately with some quoted teasers.  It talked about learning through painful experiences.  I believe it.  I read the article and it talked about counting your blessings in crisis, and fully taking in what happened to you during it and how it impacted you.  That’s it.  I know how she impacted me: 1) I get things ready for my son so he knows that I care, 2) We got our dog, and 3) I am in the best shape of my life and continue to strive for more, and 4) I am ready to be vulnerable regardless of being unable to tell an outcome.  That is all I need, because I don’t need criticism, or do I need phoniness while saying judgmental things to other people.

My preference is to see what is there between the girl from church, or to meet some girls when I run or am out and about.  I don’t need friends who I used to sleep with though.  I think it’s healthy for me to be cool with ex-lovers, but not to be close with ex-lovers.  Some people can probably do more middle ground, but when I saw her watching my mouth while I was talking on Thursday night at the bar before we went into the venue, I thought, “Are you kidding me?”  She also touched my forearms and perhaps my upper arms too many times while she was talking to me, but couldn’t give me a proper hug.  We are just not similar people and we don’t show up in ways that mix.  I got it.

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Doy

I don’t mean I give, but I’m pretty much a top, so I guess it has double-meanings.  I can go out on a date again with the child.  My friends keep telling me that she is not a child, but 28 does freak me out, but I’ll just get over it.  I’ve seen her for over a year, and have talked to her since last July, so it fits my “know well” thing.  Plus, she wrote, “How about a juicy mango?” on my status last week.  Hello?  I talked to her yesterday and we had ease in conversation and then when I got to my practicum site I said, “Can I take you out to dinner next Saturday night?” and she said, “That sounds good!  I’ll check my schedule and get back to you.”  We’ll go to a trendy spot in a gentrified area just north and west of downtown, and I’ll tell her a start time, so we have two cars.  If the convo is good, I’ll walk her to her car and hug her again.  If she grabs my bicep again, I’ll finally kiss her.  I’ve known her eight months.  So, I do have a girl I can date.

Bette HeyTelled yesterday morning, and at the end of it she said, “Are we going to be able to be friends?”  So, I just called her.  I talked to her about various things and then she posed the question again, and I said, “You know, _____ , I originally just wanted to be amiable when I could feel your new girl’s energy and realized that you couldn’t say such mean things to me unprovoked if there wasn’t another moving right in.  But now after seeing you, it gets convoluted.  I just wanted us to be cool on the off chance that we see each other out and about, but now…  So, I just need to take time.  I’m quick at work, and in fact, my colleagues always say, ‘There is ______ , on a mission!” but in my personal life I am not like that.  I rely on observations and need lots of them to make decisions.  Last night was just too convoluted.”

Then she said, “Well, the ball is really in your court, and you’ll need to contact me.”  I said, “_____ , that could be years.”  And she said that was ok.  About a half an hour later she apologized for ever hurting me and indicated that she really meant it.  Then she texted again and said that she loves me and that I still have a significant piece of her heart.  I texted, “Thank you.  I love you too.”  And I do.  I fell completely in love with her and she was a critical part of my journey.

However, I really need to date.  I don’t know if it’s feasible to date a whole bunch of women, because I am away from my house a minimum of 11-hours daily getting things done.  I don’t have time or a method to meet lots of girls.  However, I’m NOT having sex next weekend.  I think that the end of the month is a good idea for that.  Because then it has been nearly four-months since I have, and that is always a good marker for me to rid another girl’s energy from me.  I don’t want her to feel Bette when we do connect if it proceeds that way.  I know that she wants to, and that she wanted to make out on the street when we had our date in August.  Slow build up this month seems good.  She is not Peter Pan either and has always told me the truth.  We should be good.  At least it’s a fun prospect, and I’ll just get over her age.

Such a strange path.  My shrink is right, and you certainly cannot bend the river.  I don’t want to, and am ready to float down, while I can appreciate and avoid fervor or rapids.  Canoe seems good.

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Still balanced

I came in when she was already there and she gave me a sports hug, but didn’t hurt my back, so that part was good.  Oh well, she touched me over and over and I noticed that I was recoiling a bit.  She was also watching my mouth at times when I talked.  It was fine.  My friend who I don’t really 100% have trust in was there and she came over to me, and I went to her table and then she said, “She still has feelings for you, and gave me that look.”  Oh well.  Good for her and her gf.

She told me that her gf has some drama visa vi her ex of 7-years.  It was a somewhat convoluted story, but didn’t sound clean and I told her that she will have to see “how clean it is for her, ” and she said, “That is so odd, because that is nearly word-for word what I’d said.”  Again, oh well.

She asked why she wasn’t invited to the dinner party that I told her about, and I decided not to play Captain Obvious regarding that she never wants to drive down, and that it was for my friends.  I did say, “Well, it was for happy couples and you haven’t been with your girlfriend long enough.”  She said, “Well, I’m happy and could have just come.”  I laughed and said, “I guess so,” and then she quickly said, “You won’t invite me though,” and I said, “Probably not.”  And, I won’t for years, and am incredulous that we will see each other again via prearrangement.  I don’t even know when we’d run into each other.

She didn’t bring up FB again, but I showed her pictures of the couple who had me over for dinner last Saturday, and she said, “Are you attracted to that one?”  And I said, “I always have been.  That porcelain skin and light eyes has always been the hottest thing to me,” and she said, “Well, that’s not me,” and I said, “You’re very fair.”  She said, “I get dark in the summer.”  I said, “Your skin gets bronze, but your coloring is very light, and is it ok that I’m saying these things?”  I realized later that she baited it, but she said, “Yes.”  Then she asked me if my boundaries were clear with her and I said, “My boundaries are always clear and they are very much in love and it is beautiful to watch.”  She still doesn’t get me and the air is constantly full of projection when she talks.

She left an hour or more early.  I’m home too.  (I left a bit early and am tanked.)  It was fine.  I was not attracted or unattracted, but was neutral.  I’m just ready for the next segment of my life and won’t go up there ever again; although, it should be noted that she came down here for this presentation.  So, that is my truth for a girl who does not believe in absolutes and I am signing off and going to bed!

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Stream of consciousness

I haven’t seen her in about 10-weeks and tonight will be a funny reconnection.  We are seeing a psychic do a “presentation?”  I don’t know what she does, but my friend who I don’t completely trust, but has been in my life for nine-years said this woman is amazing.  She apparently can channel many lost loved ones.  Not that I subscribe to coincidences anyway, but it is amazing that this night takes place the night before her father passed a year ago.  I don’t know what she’ll channel, but it will be fascinating, I’m sure.

I wrapped some natural chicken thighs in non-nitrate turkey bacon and am baking them.  It smells good.  I cut up three gigantic carrots and diced some onions and celery hearts and put them in the bottom on the crock.  I soaked the lentil blend last night.  I’ll combine them with broth before I go to work.  The boys will have a comforting pot of food.

I’m feeling pretty neutral.  I remember when I met her for a glass of wine in mid-October I felt this same way.  She looked liked shit that night too, because she was worried about her surgery, so it was easy just to chat.  She said something shitty to me and touched my hand and I pulled back.  It was condescending.  I hope that I don’t have to put up with much of her shit tonight.  I just want to laugh a little.

We stopped laughing.

We laughed one time in September–when I mistook Mr. Clean for Listerine–and the other times it was completely heavy.  Way too serious.

Was it just a dopamine rush for three-months?  Waaaay back in 2011…  I think that there was more, but I do think that she was on her best behavior with me, and then couldn’t maintain.  She does these highly affected things so she won’t look like a controller.  Her moods are really intense and completely volatile.

If we don’t laugh tonight, I won’t do anything but send cards.  She told me to tell her when I’m dating, but I don’t want that energy around when I finally do sleep with someone.  And, I don’t want to sleep with anyone who I don’t know again, so I’m just doing the friend surrounding currently.

I was craving apples yesterday morning so I posted it.  The girl ten-years my junior who I had a date with last summer wrote about a “juicy mango?”  I took that like an offer so I posted it.  Honestly, I really wouldn’t mind sleeping with her every other weekend if that would be appealing to her.  I may ask at the end of March.  I do miss Shane for that reason given that in 2009 she was 10-minutes away, and we could hook up and it was fun, and low maintenance.  I do know this young girl, so that would fit my current bill.  However, does it delay her being able to look for a partner and have some kids?  I’m direct.  I may ask.  I’ll see how she presents in church on Sunday before I ask.

I have all of this work to do.  I have to get it all done by 4/30 too.  Insane.  Especially when I’m already working 60-hours a week and am pushing 40.  On top of all of this, I’m on new meds for acne that make having my cycle what I do everyday nearly.  That is just lovely as well.

I wonder why I’m happy?  I am.  I have taken to holding my son against my chest laying parallel to the length of the sofa and toward the corner while I read to him.  He was sick last Wednesday and we started this tradition.  I have great friends.  The little circle of lesbians that I’m finally assembling (after wanting it for nearly two-years) is taking off and now our dinner parties will rove.  I have a lead for my doctoral internship.  I’m out of a negative relationship.  I think I get why life is good and I’ll take that energy with me tonight to the psychic.

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Fears

Many behaviors that we exhibit, which are complex and seemingly not sensical at times, are merely a function of our level of anxiety that we experience when specific in situations.  I am worried about being unable to get along for an hour, but I know that I am much more well-polished with those skills than she is.  For example, I have to see my ex-husband literally all of the time.  I am completing clinical hours after work, so he has to pick up our son after school.  It is rare that we have disagreements and I simply refuse to engage in anything similar to a power struggle with him when he explodes.  About quarterly, he annoys me with an explosion of temper, but I don’t say anything to our son.  I tell him, “I’m not going to engage with you like this,” and I probably could have done stuff like that with my ex too, but she attacks and dehumanizes with her words.  That is for her and her new girlfriend to work out 🙂

She is anxious.  She emailed me five or six times last Tuesday, and last night–very late–she did so twice and from her social media site.  When you have been with a controller and you are trained like I am, you know why she does what she does.  However, I don’t have to open the next email from her, because it’s similar to the first one.  She will not “see” anything, because I won’t open it, and if she really, really wants to share songs with me,  she can email me to my account and send one of those “read upon receipt” sending conditions.  She doesn’t attach a file, but rather says, “I like the beat in this song,” or “You’d love this song.”  Some of these contacts make me feel like she is trying to get me to add her back, but I wouldn’t do that for anything and maybe never.  Wow.  Even Shane is better with following friendship rules.

I had written in some summer entries that what you do for a living does matter.  Peter Pan introduced herself to me as a teacher, but is actually an assistant who does not work full-time.  Not only was it distasteful for her to lie for two months, but it also made her free and easy, fly-by-the-seat of your pants, screw at one in the morning before you go home attitude make a lot of sense as well.  What you do for a living effects your show-up factors.  My ex is used to everyone around her lying to her and getting away with things, so she crafts control through methods that seem legitimate.  I’m just used to her, so I simply know why she does things in the method that she does.  If she can truly switch careers next year, as she has made a good product, she will likely soften some, which will be very good for her son and those who she caretakes.

I told my shrink that because I do what I do, I may be alone forever.  She laughed, and said, “No, but you are likely to be more discerning with relationship.”  What I am really glad about is that when I’m just enjoying–not when I’m fighting or being treated badly–I don’t even think psychologically.  However, when a relationship is ending or has ended, I do know what my exes will do.  Again, I just don’t have to engage.

We need friendship ground rules.  I’ve been thinking that it could be necessary to tell her that I am am very much on-the-fence that we can be friends.  I think that we can be cool and be amiable, but I believe 1) your partner is your best friend, and 2) she is so intense that the level of friendship that she and I would have–meaning with which I am comfortable–would not be fulfilling for her.  What do I want?  Very little to be honest.

Infrequent contact seems more normal to me, as does hanging out annually or a couple of times a year.  I have to also be honest and also say that it would be much easier for me to come over to her house after snowshoeing when I have a girlfriend who is there with me.  There still exists this power differential and I don’t know if she can keep her mouth shut about sex with me.  I guess that many of these musings shall be answered after Thursday.  I have to go commute in through the snow in an hour, so I’m signing off for this day.

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Break-up Girl

I was her last summer.  Then I succumbed to the sexual energy of my ex and we spent August and September dating again, but then I realized that I had moved through what I needed to in my miserable summer, and had my rebound that I needed as well.  Now, I’m not seeking that either.  I’m just not Break-up Girl anymore.

We saw one of my favorite performers last night.  My workout partner bought tickets and I owe her money for them.  I should have bought the opener’s flashdrive, as she was excellent, but I’ll probably just see if Panda has her albums after I get my Mac repaired.  Shit, I need to drop that off today too.

Anyway, the headliner’s sets were obviously in the stylings of Break-up Girl, so it wasn’t as peppy as I had expected.  It’s funny that one of the things that I kept thinking over and over is that her ass is as nice as my ex’es.  I turned around after a few songs and told my workout partner that she really has an incredible ass and she said, “I noticed that as soon as she turned around to switch guitars and knew that you were probably VERY happy.”   Hahahaha!  The other thing was the namesake of this blog, and that is that she is still very much entrenched in her loss of a perspective marriage and her ex-bf.  So, her show had that “getting through being without you” feel and was pretty sombre and included sad songs and ballads as well.  I would have alternated songs, but I don’t perform, so.  It was still fun.  I LOVE live music.

I’m sooooo glad to be where I am.  I know that Thursday will be weird at times, but honestly, I can just be me, and I think that really I have been comfortable with that for most of my life.  The last thing that I had to do to embrace being ok was to come out, and I think that I may tell some of that story in my church when I give the sermon in July.  I’m not sure, but I will make it personal.

I have that Boot Camp again in about an hour and a half, and then my son plays basketball–it’s his second to last game.  I have to go to the university to pick up the gold standard test of ability (used for adults) and a projective kit that I like.  She has had some trauma, and doesn’t have a car, so today is also some case management as I have to transport her to a library because the main building is closed.  I will be fried after the eval, but I also have to see my young male client at his house and get new sessions scheduled for him now that he has started sports.

Then my new friend that I have through one of my best friends who is finishing school in CA, is having me at her parents’ house for dinner and I finally get to meet her girlfriend.  My friend said that she is very sweet, so I can’t wait to hear their lovestory.  Tonight we are playing quiz.  We are meeting the engineer there too.  I’m so not into her, but she is smart, so we will probably win again.  I’ll text a few more friends if my workout partner and her out-of-town company do not come to quiz.  It’s fun to win.

It’s only fun to meet good girls.  I want to go on a date.  I should join a new meetup.  I may do that, but don’t think that now is the right time, because I’d be frustrated that their times don’t work with my schedule.  It may just have to be that late spring is the time for new girls.  I don’t think that one will drop out of the sky.

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And you haven’t changed a bit

Derivative of where I am on this leg of my journey, I had some insights before I went to bed.  My son was super cool and wished to practice his lay-ups last night, so I ran 2.25-miles.  I can start the 5K Loop Program in three-weeks, so that is good too.  Anyway, I realized that starting in 2009 when I was newly out (just two-years), I was really with Shane.  That name is probably even more accurate than the drunk.  Now, I think that although I agree that I am as my shrink suggests working toward what I want, dating Bette for arguably about a year–but, really, if someone religiously breaks up with you for four-months, it is not dating, but is being in 7th grade–wasn’t quite what I’m looking for either.  Certainly, Bette is more of a girl you can take home with you, but she isn’t one to ever be open and share–there is no vulnerability with Bette and all she knows is control.

I think that when she left the voice recording and there is this pregnant pause before she says, “on the business front,” that I knew in my heart that her dating is also what is progressing…  Then of course, she left another voice recording on Monday–probably because she had a weekend with her–saying that in all fairness she needed to talk to me before the psychic.  I called her and said that I felt the presence of another woman since December and congratulations.  She did what she always does, which listen to it (likely a couple times) and then call me back.  It was easy to talk to her.  I am reasonably sure who the girl is too, and she is not her physical type, so we shall see how long she dates her, but anyway, I didn’t ask questions about it, but congratulated her and updated her a little on  my 60-hour work weeks and the like.  She texted that night and said how proud she was of me.  She must think that I’m a little less intuitive than I am, because she’s proud that I’m not dating anyone.  I told her that I’d email her.

I did.  I thanked her for getting me motivated to get in the best shape of my life, for showing me the gifts of a dog with your son, for teaching me about getting things ready for your kid when you don’t see him and are working, and for being there when I fell completely in love and learned to be vulnerable.  I do very much value these lessons.  Then, she promptly added me to her social media site.

Umm?  Three removals and look at your son who I miss desperately?  No thanks.  I doubt that I’ll ever add her either because she took me off three times, and I told her as much.  She continued to argue.  She is a piece of work.  She also emailed me five or six times yesterday.  I’d be smoking pissed if a woman who I was newly dating did that with her ex; although, I know her well enough that she would say that we “are trying to get a friendship on track.”  However that is an interesting way to put her fervent emailing and question firing, because she also did make reference to an artist that we would listen to sometimes when we had hours of hot sex.  You could almost miss the double entendre, but I didn’t, nor did I bite, and she is still a baiter.  Another reason that she is a lot like Bette…

I finally said that I did too much talking today and I will just catch up with her next week at the event for which we have tickets.  I really don’t miss Bette, I miss our sex life, but that’s it.  We don’t live on the same planets or subscribe to the same tenants about relationships with others.

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Writing need

I haven’t written in awhile.  I guess that when I don’t, my mind works stuff out anyway because I have been dreaming about girls for a few weeks.  They are in those shadowy, sprawling ways wherein one girl can turn into another, but I do know that because I’m just increasing my space away and getting stronger it mixes up all my relationship history in my head.  I don’t really believe the tired idiomatic phrase that time heals all wounds, but when it comes to love and lost love, it is probably the most helpful.  Additionally, I would never really run into her anyway, so I just have to work it all out silently and without seeing her.  I think that it’s best.

I would really like to have some companionship, but I don’t think until the beginning of June is it even realistic.  I have to finish up all these clinical hours, get my 30-pages through IRB, make observations every Wednesday and conduct and record my interviews, and then find another placement for next fall and spring.  Not the stuff of free time.

I still make sure that my son sees friends and plays sports though, so I don’t feel like anything is really lacking or not being met on the home front.  He kicked some ass on the basketball court yesterday too.  He also had an outdoor and one indoor playdate and I connected with an old friend.

I did something to my lower abdomen.  It probably was strained last Saturday in Boot Camp.  I’ll monitor it.  Last week was really poor on the workout scene, which tends to affect my mood.  I need to step it up this week.  I plan on starting that midday tomorrow because one of the Rec Centers is open and then I can stay on track.  I’ll see if my friend wants to join me.  At this particular location–a VERY trendy spot–there are some hot-ass straight girls to admire too, so that’s always fun.  Guess we will head to church.  I hope today is a good start to a new week.

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Middle of winter

It’s finally gotten cold.  I wish that it would snow.  I don’t like summer fires and hope that there is something that shall ensue to help us here rid ourselves of that as a possibility.  I’ll do some snow dances.

My weekend was great.  After my son’s basketball game, I went around to several stores, but I couldn’t find nice cuts of NY strip, and by then it was getting late, so I just scaled down the menu.  (I still had a lot of cleaning to do.)  I made fusilli with roasted tomatoes and braised asparagus and chicken picata.  Of course I laid out a ton of antipasto and also made my famous salad.  I can make steak carbonara another time.  Everyone loved the food.

Then we played The Game again.  I can’t believe how hard I laughed, but because I was at a Boot Camp Saturday morning and the first five sets were based in Crossfit practices, those two things combined have made my abs hurt so bad!  I had nothing left yesterday afternoon after walking my dog, so I ate dinner with my workout partner, took a bath, and went to bed.

I feel good this morning.  The woman who moved six states away emailed again and told me that she was going to send my son a gift if it was ok.  It’s fine.  I know that she would never drink around him again, so she is also welcome to visit this summer.  I guess that now that the last two women who I have dated have actually mattered, I can work a little for amiability.  It’s easy with her, because there is no romantic love or passion there at all.

Not the case with my ex at all, and that is going to be so difficult to navigate.  I know that it’s foundational to be nice and kind to someone.  She just doesn’t seem to be able to do that with me, so it should be a non-issue, but it’s not.  I know that I deserve to be treated as well as I treat her, but the gloves are just off (Or is it my clothes?) after we hang out for awhile.  I wish that we got along, but we don’t, and she doesn’t have time for me really anyway, or would she be willing for us to see someone.  I guess that I have ultimately come to that she needs someone who is unaffected by her moods.  I’m just not that mellow.

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Positiveness

Well, if I wasn’t finishing my degree, I do feel confident that I’m getting good at building a client-base and would have private practice work.  I would just need to get on some insurance panels.  Even clients with dark secrets and a lot going on, keep their appointments with me.  That’s good too, because when my doc is done, I will need to still do one late night and probably test on Saturdays–or at least every other one on the latter.  It’s going to be great to not be broke.

My ex sent me a voice recording today thanking me for the card that I sent her nearly two weeks ago.  I hate my mail too, so I get that.  It is going to be interesting to see her at the end of the month.  I do miss having sex with her, and I still miss the fall of 2011.  I’m sure that at some point, even those memories will fade.

I had a coming-out affair when I turned 33.  That will be six-years ago this fall.  (I had a girlfriend in high school and also one in college, but they were both covert.  I know that my Mom just pretended like she didn’t know.)  In the not-so-distant past, I had the heart-racing, oh, shit I really am gay, whirlwind love affair that fucked me up in total for a year.  I was a mess.  Looking back, it is nothing that a mood stabilizer and an antipsychotic wouldn’t have remedied, but it was awful.  It took me a long time to pick up the pieces.  I can only remember my heart racing all the time when I’d think of her, and that I felt physically charged making the final few turns to her house.  I don’t have any other memories of her that are very strong.

I’m not like that with respect to my ex, which is how I know that I really did fall in love with her.  She was very kind and positive in her voice recording.  She is actually going to be a local celebrity very soon, and I think that her product, as it has two retailers now, should make her famous.  I think that if things are going that well for you, it’s probably easy to wish an ex well.  I liked her recording though, and I am glad that she and I are amiable.

 

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Foresight

One of my friends calls me a little strega.  Her Italian grandmother was that way.  I think that must be a peasant term though, because my son has a book that obviously takes place in Eastern Europe in which part of the title is that word, but I identify and look most like my Italian side.  My friend, who is half Italian, means it like clairvoyance or what is called “being sensitive” by Proloux.

It isn’t just the whole thing with my ex who moved away, but it’s also that my recent ex emailed me yesterday.  She emailed me when I was looking at the friend across the table from me and getting ready to tell her that because she was so close with her grandmother, she should be going to the event that I have two tickets for at the end of the month.  The event involves flaky pursuits related to death.  I didn’t tell her about my tickets, because we got busy with our kids.  My ex emailed that she would keep her promise to me and would go.  I think when I was ready to ask my friend, my ex emailed.  I had intentionally left my phone in her car because I didn’t want to drag it around with me while we shopped and ate.

When you tell people that you are intuitive and that you know things, they look at you as if you’re a crackpot.  Although I have to rely on empirical, and also short-term methods at work, I do feel and notice factors that others probably pay no attention to, and I can feel energy.  The energy can be 50-miles away or six states away too.

The same friend, who I was with, who calls me strega, who has a kid eight-months older than mine said that when you are intimate with someone, some of her or him is always part of you.  I certainly have felt deaths and other things from my exes.  She is probably right.  I didn’t tell her that my ex emailed, because I would have gotten an earful.  I went back to our conversation and plans at the time.  In fact, because she is the same friend whose ex husband has cancer, I always concentrate only on her when we are together, which is typically twice a month.  When we left the store we were all shopping in, I told her that I had to tell her what I felt two-weeks ago.  I told her the whole weird story about my ex who moved though, and she said, “I knew that you’d tell me something like that.”

It wound up that I couldn’t confirm plans with my ex for the event until really late last night.  I was at my friend’s house after we shopped, and then I had to cook, walk our dog, eat, and play with my son as I promised this weekend.  He didn’t get to bed until an hour-and-a-half past his bedtime.  It would probably be nicer if I wasn’t so into good food.  Most people micro cook whatever, and I know that days are longer because I do cook.  Oh well.  Last night was a pretty late one for my son’s school night.

Initially I was a little flustered when I read the email.  Then I got to a place wherein I didn’t have to or think it appropriate either to disclose stuff, but rather emailed a few sentences.  I guess that I kinda followed suit and just did well wishes, but I also thanked her for dropping me a line and confirmed our plans.  It will be weird to have  a drink before if she’s dating someone, but I’m the one who wanted to be amiable, so.  I can’t tell if she is or not.  We should only very rarely run into each other, so I think that pleasantness is really possible.  That makes me happy given where I was when we were together.  I’m just simply ready to be vulnerable with a girl who is nice to me, and who I get along with most of the time.

On Saturday, I told my friend’s sister (We went to a bday party for a kid just three-years younger than my son.) about how I’ve changed during these nearly six-years.  I am ready for a real connection.  Passion and lust aside, I do want to seek compatible interactions.  I just still am confused how you meet girls.  I’m ready when I see her.

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Focused Forward

My office partner is somewhat of a mystic.  I met her nearly five-years ago, and when I was talking to her f2f for the first time, I realized that she would introduce me to my next girlfriend.  It took me over a month to admit this belief and truth to her, and she said this woman’s name right away to me.  We definitely tried, but we had weird timing.  She is also five-years younger than me, but from what I understand, her current partner is older than me.  Anyway, I’m sure that if I am ever in a meeting with her again, I’ll flush probably.  There is something about her that is purely fantasy, because we probably all want the one who got away.

One time in a large ladies night venue we met by chance and we talked–screaming in each others’ ears over house music is more accurate–and when she realized that I knew well her hometown and the surrounding area she paused and said, “I can’t believe that you even know where that is,” and we just looked at each other saying nothing, but sustaining intense eye contact.  Had she not been on a date–I didn’t know that while we were talking–we probably would have had to start kissing then.  Nothing ever happened though, and my office partner told me that she was too much of a player anyway, but now she’s settled in with an older woman who has a child that her ex birthed.  My office partner does know things.

However, I do still think that working the office again, as I did for just over a year in another position with this woman is interesting.  It could be that she is right, that my time with the right woman is around the corner.  She told me that yesterday.  And yesterday at work was unreal.  I have always believed when there is dissension and discomfort or even chaos around that things are disrupted and allow for balance.  Meaning yesterday was rough, and maybe tonight there will be a super hot girl at the Rec Center Pool Party that I’m taking my son to 😉

I know that I want things to be gentle and kind with my next girlfriend.  I think that I am being gentle and kind with myself, and that is always a first step.  I agree with the Ted talk that says that you cannot be kind and gentle with others if you are not first kind and gentle with yourself.  I want to focus on moving forward and doing well.  That I can really do.  I wouldn’t mind running into a girl who is on a similar path.

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Getting there

I wouldn’t say that I was at peace…  But, I would say that it is really nice to have absolutely no contact from my ex–well, with the exception of a bday well wish message for my son that she left last Monday–and be able to continue to realize that she didn’t work for me.  I really don’t want someone who has to complain about me all of the time when finally she has stopped throwing up something that I wrote in my face, which took her ten-months.  I’m not actually sure why 1) I went out on a date with her in the first place, and 2) I went back to her house after that date.  If someone tells you that you are going to be her friend and fires questions at you so she doesn’t have to talk, it is probably just more disarmament.

That’s an odd way to live.  Having superficial friendships with people–because they need you and ask you for advice all the time so you can play dime store psychologist, and you never share anything about you–and then when you have something tripped or you feel fearful, you get the edge in conversation by making others uncomfortable.  I certainly was on the receiving end of both of these things, but I didn’t want her advice, because I don’t need it, and I stopped letting her throw me off balance.  Her exes over the course of her adult life have desperately needed her.  I’d prefer to have a partner, but it’s not a must.  It’s just a value that I have and one that I hope that I do fulfill at some point.  And I certainly don’t need this girl to rescue or save me.

There are some qualities that I’m seeking, but one of my friends said that kind of thinking is dangerous, because it’s difficult to find someone who is seeking the same things as you.  I want to consider her feelings and be a solid girl to fall back on when things are difficult.  I think respect should be paramount for both of us.  I know a lot of things about living, but I’d love to learn more.  When the woman who moved six states away from me and I redefined as a distance relationship, I really liked traveling with her and taking in things.  The only thing that was a disconnect was that she would usually get drunk, and she was unable to hike and walk long distances.  I have learned the importance of getting away though, and that is good.

I don’t think that I took anything away that I enjoyed from my ex.  I just improved myself some.  I have become quite fit, and I think about what I can be doing early to make the evening go smoothly for my son and I.  I just changed some habits as a result of being with her.  I also got a dog for my son, which I think of as an improvement in lifestyle.

I think that I am nearly free from her now.  I dreamt that sent me several texts, and all of them were kind, but I don’t think that is going to happen.  I think that she is done with contacting me because I don’t need her advice, and we can’t be casual.  I am on my road to peace.

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Understanding

It is interesting to me that I could feel one of my exes so viscerally last weekend and it didn’t go away–especially since she really is sick.  Although I don’t really believe in closure when something ends, I do believe that there is knowledge and some change in one’s self when a stage or journey comes to a close.  I ended things with the woman who I spent the better portion of two years with right before my bday when I turned 37 in the fall of 2011.  The roughest thing is that I didn’t have a period of transition or silence that I’m taking right now though.  I started up with my ex after three weeks, and that didn’t give me the right amount of space.  I’m hoping that delaying intimacy will give me more space when I do meet a nice girl or some nice girls.  I was only with my ex for about a year and some change, and since she would religiously remind me that I didn’t have enough in common with her and qualities that she was seeking in a long-term partnership, we only were truly together and felt safe with each other for three-months, and she always had a proviso that she would throw up in my face even then, because she didn’t like the tone of ONE of my emails.

So, I probably can’t call her the the woman who I had to email “the drunk” anymore, because she only has one glass of wine at night.  I do believe her, but I also am educated enough to know that the triggers for alcohol abuse are multifaceted, and think if she were here, or on vacation that she could not exercise moderation.  Seeing her out of control is something that I don’t want to ever do again, but my son misses her and my son is also the love of her life, so she can certainly stay with us this summer and also sleep in the bed in the basement when she makes her trip to the midwest.

She also had a cancer scare.  I’d call her Steve McQueen, because she used to remind me of his character in “The Great Escape,” but my recent ex looks too much like him, so I can’t…  I can’t come up with anything, because I really know her as just a heavy drinker.  Anyway, she is six-states away from me, so I can refer to her as that.  Medical professionals sent a piece of her thyroid away to medical testing lab, and they say that they caught it in time and there was no cancer–she got this diagnostic information yesterday, but I think since that she also had a breast biopsy last fall, that it is a matter of time.  She eats mostly all highly engineered and refined soy products and rarely cooks, and most of the time, she’d just drink when I knew her.  She stopped exercising after she moved here (where I live) within about 3-months as well, and that was back in 2008.  She is not the picture of health.

I told her that I had told my shrink last fall that I would be her friend if she was on Step 4 of a recovery program, and now fate has thrown up health issues so she must recover.  She didn’t respond to anything that I wrote.  Although when she caught me up on her last 18-months, I responded and wrote about each topic and sent words of concern and empathy.  She did not respond to any of the details that I gave her about my ex or Peter Pan.  She said something flippant.  That’s ok, but that is where I realize that my shrink is right, my ex is just scared and gets critical, but is way more of a step toward what I want than the woman who moved six states away from my son and I in 2010.   She could either be overwhelmed that my ex was the love of my life, or that I confronted her about her alcoholism.  I don’t care, because I made my peace with her.  It’s not closure, but is learning and being authentic.

Being at peace is an amazing feeling.  I told her that regardless of the choices that she made, I wouldn’t be with her because of her use of alcohol, which is scary.  Even if she is recovering, I don’t want that, because it takes a very long time and you must be clean for a good period to not experience recidivism.  I wish her health and recovery from what I hope is nothing serious, and also from the abuse of alcohol.

Then there is my ex…  It’s so complicated to be in love with someone who you can be with due to bad dynamics.  We wouldn’t have to have them either.  We could just be and she would not have to get on my case.  My shrink says it is fear, but it makes me feel so bad and inadequate.  I can’t do that.  I just can’t.  However, as I’m still on that journey and not at peace, I don’t know what it means.  I’ll wait until I understand.