Category Archives: Thoughts

These entries are thematic in terms of what occurs to me after reading, writing, spending time outside or sitting and musing about the way my life appears to be going. They are my lil’ ephiphanies

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Day off

I can’t see clients tonight…  In about an hour my son and I are going to start working in the food pantry in our church.  We will go back to distribute the boxes of food this evening for awhile.  We will have to leave late afternoon to go over to my parent’s house.  My Mom is making something for us for dinner.  I hope that it is ok to hang out with them tonight and they aren’t fighting too much.

I have been reading through all kinds of blogs before I go to bed at night.  It is really interesting when I encounter one in which the author does something for a living similar to what I do.  I’ve not run across one who is raising a kid solo–and tbh, I have never read one yet wherein someone has sole custody of a kid in general.  My friends asked me yesterday why that was and I said, “I’m the one who is most equipped to be a parent.”  This task includes when he is amped up by the moon, and alternately non-compliant.

I keep him engaged.  I taught his best friend to ride a bike yesterday, and I introduced him to my cycling partner and her bf yesterday while we picnicked.  He played in and around an irrigation ditch with various little boys at the park while we three chilled on a blanket.  My cycling partner made the best quinoa salad that I’ve had in my life.  Usually it’s just fine, but this was phenomenal.  I managed to dump it in my car and garage getting the cooler out last night.  Consequently, I wound up cleaning for nearly an hour last night though, so there is little of it to eat today.  Sad.

I need to straighten things up in my house today so I can just happily work this week.  It is pretty cluttered around here too.  What I’m hoping for is after we work in our food pantry I have a second wind of some sort that can carry me through some household stuff while I have a break in between food distribution and dinner.  I’ve been really tired lately.  After I had the cough from hell that did not lift and had to take antibiotics, my immune system has been complete shit.  I have a sinus infection, but I want to treat it without medical intervention.  I have my dangerous five-mile on Sat, and it would be keen to have full lung capacity.

Summer is in full swing.  It’s a matter of my following a good writing schedule.  Cooking great meals.  Connecting with friends.  Doing a variety of things with my son, and basically just staying happy.  I think that I can do that, and I’m off to great start.

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Finality

I have had this damn email for too long.  I’m not sure how long actually, but today in my son’s class (while I watched him dance), I realized that it carries energy in my draft box.  I don’t want that energy.  I like, “Good.  Hope you two are well.”  I don’t want it to be anywhere, but here–namely–because it invites reengagement in conversation and the like.  I burned her name on a piece of paper last summer with a sentence that I wrote.  After I blew the ashes and it had gone out, I unfolded the paper and it was blank.  All my handwriting had disappeared.  I have decided to put this email here, and then I don’t want to say much more about her.  I got what I needed and want to go to my friends’ party this weekend with it already “sent.”

I’m going to be as clear as I can.  I don’t want to pre-arrange seeing you.  I’m sure that we shall run into each other by chance in the future, but I don’t feel comfortable with a friendship or actively cultivating something close.  We had a good trial run of things for 15-months, and I don’t want to try to convert our old situations into a “friendship.”  I’m not there, and want to heal and move forward.

I think that we struggle to understand one another, don’t get along, and live far apart.  It doesn’t make much sense to attempt to turn a painful lost love situation into anything when it’s so difficult just to get together, and even relate to one another.  If we were meant to be friends, it wouldn’t be this hard, so I think that is life telling us something.

I don’t think that you know me all that well, tbh.  I think that if you did, you wouldn’t believe that I had “zero compassion.”  But, what I have come to is that it doesn’t matter at all what you think I’m like. If I’m creepy, negative, and selfish and don’t have compassion for others that is just what interactions with me yielded.  It gives me pause, because I don’t know anyone who possesses those qualities or have I ever told anyone that he or she were that way.  Such a strange thing for me, and I can’t wrap my brain around why that is the result.  Honestly, I’m not sure why that is your pitting of me, but it doesn’t seem like I should be part of your circle.  You should be around nice people.

I’m simply not that way.  I’m a lot of things, have tons of drawbacks and the like, but I just like to laugh and connect with others.  People who I chose to spend time with help me understand the world better.  I surround myself and am blessed with wonderful friends.

I can remember not being able to wait to wake up to email you to share about my day, get information on what you were doing, who you were, and what motivated you / made your heart tick.  I quickly fell head over heels in love with you and had an incredible three months with you sharing my whole self and feeling so gratified looking into your eyes or being in your arms.  I wouldn’t trade fall of 2011 for anything.

As I’ve said, I also yielded being able to make sure that my son has a wonderful meal when I don’t see him until the following morning, I realized that he actually needed a dog, and I really am in phenomenal shape now, which I know may improve my overall health and life quality.  The last thing that started toward the end of September nearly two years ago was that I trusted myself enough to give my heart away.  Those are pretty good lessons resulting from ending a relationship.  I am lucky.  Sorry that it only worked in my direction and you never got your four quarters.  They are coming for you or are already there with a really great girl.

Glad that we are cool.  It means a lot to me that you and I will be able to comfortably greet each other when we do see each other.  Peace and light your way.

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Intentions

  1. Accomplish what I’m meant to without guilt when I don’t conquer an ENTIRE To-Do List
  2. Connect with my son and hold him close
  3. Listen fully
  4. Laugh
  5. Write everyday
  6. Host a monthly party with different themes in June, July, and August
  7. Add weight to one of my weights days
  8. Run one to two times weekly
  9. Research new music artists
  10. Learn my bike gears
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Tanked

I probably got six-hours worth of sleep.  The light comes in so strongly in the morning.  I got up, had some coffee and then went to my Boss’ Boot Camp, and it was brutal because it was on asphalt.  Our Boot Camp is on grass and trail when we do it outside.  I didn’t even bear crawl because I didn’t want to tear up my hands.  So suburban…  Crawling in a dusty parking lot in between traffic cones.  But, hell, I wear my gloves so my callouses are smaller on the palms of my hands where my fingers start, so I’m not going to tear them up on asphalt.  I did 26-minutes of cardio stations though with no rest and did manage to cut my wrist, forearm, and bicep flipping the tractor tire at one station.  Butch moment 🙂

I rode my bike with my colleague again, but we didn’t go all the way to the reservoir today.  We rode an hour, and then my client was a no-show, which stunk.  I shopped for books for graduation presents.  I love book stores.  This one used to be on the trail from my house and now it’s more downtown, but I love it so much.  Although I cannot afford it, I bought Brene Brown’s new book, and think that I’m going to stay home to read it.  I’m supposed to go to another graduation party, but the one for my intern really wore me out.  Tons of exercise and oddly in my old age, I’m becoming more introverted and don’t want to make idle conversation with former students.  I like one of them quite a lot, but I’d rather just send her the book and card.  Laying on my couch and typing feels really good.

Earlier this evening, I thought that I would go to the bar, but I don’t want to now.  I’m so happy here at home.  I told my workout partner who accompanied me to my intern’s graduation party that I know that a girl is not going to knock on my door tonight, but I’m not willing to disrupt my happiness right now.  That’s what I’ve come to.  I’m happily tanked from Boot Camp, a bike ride, a few errands, and one party.  That’s enough.  I don’t want to seek much of anything right now or do I want to explain why I drank three beers late afternoon and talked and laughed, or that I ate two big plates of pasta.  I think that it would take a really special girl for me to disrupt what I’m doing and what I seriously enjoy.

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6-years

That is the age difference between my coming-out affair and I.  Those are also opposites in the Chinese Zodiac.  Well, she and a former boss of mine covered state guidelines that have changed for brain injuries today.  It was odd because today–my work load for my day job is lightest on Wednesdays–I had told one of my newer friends (who I had run a 5K with nearly a month ago)–all about her.  And there she was, presenting for our team with a former boss of mine.  I was pretty shaky when I realized that she was there too.

Then, it was fine.  After her portion of the talk was done, I smiled at my former boss and then when she would jump in so she could present more, I could just look at her.  It was completely neutral.  So, I put on my big girl pants at the end of their presentation and talked to and hugged them both.  I talked to them at length about a case we had just completed and asked if they could look at it.  They seemed surprised, but said that they would.  Next week, I’ll just email them both at the same time and say nice to see you and I think that we have what they discussed covered.

This is expressly why I know that there are no coincidences.  I talked about her today–I hadn’t seen her in almost 3-years–and there she was.  For me, the lesson is that I can easily share space with my ex in six-years.  At least my coming-out affair gave me a good and genuine hug.  I think that when I run into my ex, I’ll decline a hug and tell her that I don’t like her friend hugs.  She claps on the back too hard.  However, maybe with the passage of time, she can genuinely connect to me.  Interesting day today.  It’s time for bed.

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Decisions and my Deliberations

I had written in the fall of 2008 that I had “little to report.”  I’m not really there, but I do think because my chart is air dominant, I’m pretty bored.  I need some mix it up stuff.  Next weekend could start off a little weird.  I’ll get to that in a minute.

This morning, I woke up in that mood wherein I wanted to start my morning with a cuddle and some sex.  So odd that there is not even a dark horse in the running for that.  I told my ex-husband that I’m not going to date anymore.  I’m not either.  It’s going to be hang outs and show ups and no intimacy. I just want to spend time with some women and start seeing who is cool.  Daylight interactions for the most part and night stuff will be at my friends’ houses or with my friends.  The three single ones who I know are not ever going to be love interests.

I have to make a job decision in two weeks.  I can stay where I am, but I won’t have two supervisors who are full-time.  That’s scary.  I think what I will do is I will call the dual-diagnosis campus in our system and see if I can get a f2f with the guy in charge.  If I can, then I’m going to ask if I can do two-hours a week of work there in exchange for some training.  If that’s a go, then I think that I’ll stay.  Otherwise, I’m going to work in another place all together next year.  The screening interview went well, and they already have didactic components.  I’d have to find a way to make some didactics where I currently work because they are only set up once a month for the current intern program.  Decisions.  The other ones are made.

OK, exhibit A.  Church girl is not interested in dating right now, and really she is smart because she has not been employed at all for many months–I have no idea how she pays for her mortgage unless she comes from money–and has some significant health problems.  All of that is really sad, so I know that she just needs good friends.  I am a good friend.  And she makes me laugh, so that is a good friend.

I have such a good name for exhibit B, but I can’t use it, because it has too much detail and may not be anonymous, so I’m just going to call her lonely girl.  Her friends who I met last September no longer talk to her.  She used to be in a serious relationship with my ex’s friend.  Those two do not bode well for being a love interest.  I also don’t trust her 100%.  I think that she tries to paint herself in a favorable light all the time.  That’s against what my friends stand for, and that’s openness and honesty.

Exhibit C is not even!  OMG.  Gross.  We were supposed to have this dinner party that she was hosting next weekend.  She asked if it’s ok that she invited people from work, and I said, “Of course.”  Well, she hasn’t invited anyone.  It’s FRIDAY.  WTF?  I was going to make all the food too.  I chatted her that I was confused because she had asked if she could invite girls from work.  She said, “I don’t keep in touch with many lesbians.”  Made no sense.  How is my friend and I–and she used to date my friend–a dinner party?  I said, “Let’s go to a movie and have pizza or something.”  I like those breweries that have theaters in them.  She said, “If u want.”

Then she asked what hot dates I’ve been on.  I said, “Oh, tons.  I work 60-hours a week, I’m working on my dissertation, searching for an internship, and I single parent.”  I also told her that I’m not dating anymore.  I told her a little about Peter Pan without naming her or referring to her as Peter Pan, and I said that my mistake was not hanging out with her friends.  Then she said, *shudder*, “Are you asking me out?”  I was so taken aback that I said, “Fuck no.”  Are you kidding?  She has balls.  She has done one of my best friends!  She is really big.  She is not cute.  She obviously doesn’t really have friends, because she cannot think of who to invite to a dinner party when I’m cooking for it.  So wrong, like Depeche Mode wrong, on all levels.  So, Friday will be interesting, as I said.  I’m really looking forward to the following Friday, tbh.

All of my positive couple friends will be there and so will church girl.  I don’t know if lonely girl will come.  If she doesn’t, then I’m not ever reaching out to her again, because I called her and got her to put it on her calendar weeks ago.  My friends are amazing.  It’s really a goodbye to them while they leave for a year to do organic farming in HI and also abroad.  Lonely girl was saying that she needs to meet people and I told her that my friends are amazing, and that they would be wonderful contacts for her.  If she doesn’t show, then meeting good, quality people is not for her.  And because her friends who I met no longer talk to her, it’s probably not really that she is actually interested in making good friends.  I have them.  I’m blessed.

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And some are just trouble

We were deep in the mountains the weekend before I turned 38, but then her son got sick and we had to come home.  She wanted me to stay and do a long day hike along a ridge, but when you are spending 5-days with the girl you’re dating, you want to do just that.  Because she is such a driven person, she wound up bundling up the baby the next day and we took a 25-mile bike ride.  The weekend wasn’t bad.  She was moody about her possible diagnosis which–as I knew it would be–turned out to be nothing but muscle tears.  However, there was there was more to the outcome of this weekend in general.

We drove back home and she said, “Who did you think was attractive?”  I found the question odd and then she said, “C’mon, who would you do if you were single?”  I told her, and she made a slight about her physical state.  Very her.  Then she told me who she found attractive.  My ex is shameless flirt; although, she would deny and call herself “clueless” when it came to stuff like that, so I knew that she had at least had intense conversations with her.  I mostly let it go, but did say that she would start pursuing her.

Then, the following Saturday when she had plans with us, she slowly cancelled on me via phone, and wound up “hiking”–my ex HATES to hike–with her and her daughter the following day (Sunday).  Then she sent me some of the meanest texts and basically called me a big baby for being sad about not getting to see her and not being a priority.  That was the nail in the coffin for me for us to be “dating.”  My ex is like a lot of people and always keeps one in the queue.  This girl was no exception until her friends told her how she is in relationship, and she also learned some things when she was with one of my ex’s old friends too.

Well, this girl didn’t overtly ask me out, but she did ask if I was going out on Friday.  I would choose pain of death before I would go to this venue wherein any manner of the ghosts of gf’s past could be dancing, and then she texted, “I need to meet people.  How does one do that?”  I told her that if she wanted to, I’d bring her to one of my friend’s parties when I could, and she said that she’d be honored.  She is just lonely.  I was there last summer.  I slept with Peter Pan.

We can hang out with friends, and be friends, but that’s it.  She is super cute and has great dimples, but she is her own worse enemy when it comes to relationship, and I have already seen her with her friends, and it seems, that many of them don’t talk to her anymore.  So, that’s enough data for me.  I honestly don’t have anything in common with a woman who is fine with losing friends.  It seems that she is not solid enough right now to make lasting friendships if newer friends no longer talk to her.

  1. Sexy
  2. Smart
  3. Integrity
  4. Vulnerable
  5. Funny
  6. Humble
  7. Open
  8. Stable

My BFF said, “Become who you want.”  I don’t think that I struggle much with any of these attributes.  I think too, that I really do know who I am.  Shane had this tattoo, “Know thyself,” except it was in Latin.  And she did, but she was not willing to share things that scared her with me.  She was open, but not too much so, because then she could not have justified her alcohol use.  I don’t think that justification has place in relationship…  I was short with you because you don’t read my mind about my grief.  Where is the emotion in that?  There isn’t any, but anger, and that’s just masked hurt.  Hurt is an emotion that few will talk about, because it makes you vulnerable.

Stable is another important factor too.  I’m not a warm body.  I’m someone who is worth it.

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Busiest Sat

What didn’t I do yesterday?  I dropped my dog off at Day Care, ran a mile and quarter with one of my bosses, I did my typical Boot Camp, but we had a sub, I watched my son play soccer, I went shopping for groceries, I heard back from one of the therapists, as I plan on referring one my clients out for specific treatment, I got 3.5 inches of my hair chopped, I cleaned myself up, I had some water and met the Scorpio, I ran my 5K with a colleague and her friends, and then I had two beers with the bday entourage.  I have to write after church today, and I have to walk my dog before I go.

The Scorpio was back with her ex, so I was very careful about talking to either of them.  She touched me twice, and then her gf took her into the bar on the side, and when they returned, she didn’t touch me again.  When they left–which was way after the 5K was done and they had remained at the bar, she walked over to me and said, “It was really nice to meet you,” so now I do know that my colleague who had a bday told her that I said that she was cute.  She’s very cute.  We had that eye contact thing as we shook hands the last time, and a huge smile spread across my face.  We shall see how long she stays like her ex this time.  Again, that sounds like me.

I ran into a woman who I hadn’t seen in five-years.  I had only recently taken her phone number out of my phone.  Her gf was very cute.  She has lots of relationships, and I always think that it’s funny that I’ve dated so much too, but that is exactly why I plan on slowing down right now.  I honestly don’t want to force anything.  I want to see how girls are with their friends–I got good data on that last night with Scorpio–and I want to do stuff together first with any love interest.  I don’t even know what I would have done with my ex except hang out outside with our boys, eat dinner, and take a night walk.  I guess that we did listen to music sometimes, but often that was when we were having sex.  We had an insta-relationship.  No thanks.  That doesn’t work.  It also has not worked for me to just start having sex.

I really didn’t do that though with the last woman who I had sex with–not meaning my ex.  Peter Pan and I hung out, listened to music, ate meals together, did a summit, and talked very easily.  I was very bothered by the way that she said that she would have to be beaten by her brother to get him out of her parents house (One of her brothers is an addict.), that she lied about her career and then rolled with it, her over attachment to her roommate, and because she had a mythology about her being the most easy person in the world, she was beyond reproach.  I just wanted to have sex after karaoke one night, so I did.  Also, it did help damper the feelings that I had for my ex.  However, I did that right with delaying sex.  I did so for 7-weeks, but she lacked integrity in general.  The thing that I missed was my other new rule, and that is hanging out with friends together.  She has one guy friend who she plays golf with, and then her roommate who is straight, but her bf works out of town all the time.  So, I think that Peter Pan already had a gf, and it’s her straight roommate.

Again, there was no one of interest at the bar.  Everyone really drinks too heavily for me and others seem cliquey and phony.  I had one good conversation with a girl from the east coast who came in on an ancient Schwinn.  The bar owner who I have known for six-years helped her take it downstairs and then she gave me a tour of the whole place.  It is really cool and is definitely the best bar that she has ever run in our city.  She gave me pink boy briefs with the bar names on the crotch, so I put them over my running pants and wore them all night.  This girl on the ancient bike was good friends with Scorpio, so that was good, because Scorpio heard me making her laugh hard.  We shall call this girl Cruiser.  She was smart, but not cute, but could maybe be a good friend.  I’m going to friend her today.  Late that night, I brought her bike up from the basement and she said, “Wow, that’s impressive.”  I assumed because I just carried it up the stairs and lightly placed it right by the door instead of rolling it up, she was surprised.  I hope that Scorpio saw that too 🙂

I’m doing very well single. I know that when I network it’s good.  I want to get my dissertation done and work privately more all summer.  These paycuts from the day job have really messed me up financially.  I know that I’m getting my feet back under me and my heart healed.  I’m well on my way and have not ever actually felt this balanced.

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Weekender Readiness

I slept so well.  I think that I’m going to be able to improve that without sex, which I don’t think has happened in years.  I usually sleep best when I’m able to sleep with someone with some regularity–I say, “some” because there have been times that it is just a couple of weekends a month due to just dating with no seriousness.  It was just in my last relationship wherein it was weekly because we got serious and considered blending.  I think though that I will be able to just sleep better.

I cannot wait to be done with work, supervision, and then my family clients this evening.  I’m picking up my race packet and then chilling at home.  My workout partner’s date had to cancel, so she is chilling with me too.  We should probably make dinner together.  We shall see.  I have Boot Camp far away because I need to start working out with my boss due to our half being two months away, and I have to be the first to admit that I’m not ready for it.  I need to get hotel accommodations for it at the end of the month as well.  When I get back, my son plays two soccer games back to back this Saturday, and then I have a dye and haircut.   I don’t do the former too much because it’s so expensive, but I want solid color for the race and this spring.  I’ll probably need some rest time before the 5K and bday party too.  Sunday is just church and writing and then dinner with my intern.

I need to see who can walk my dog between noon and three.  I will walk her first thing in the morning and then at night as well on Saturday, but she has done some destructive stuff a couple days in a row, and I don’t want to leave her tethered in the house.  If she didn’t bark, I could tether her outside, but she is really territorial.

We had to meet with families last night who could meet.  It was pretty slow.  I wound up bs’ing with my workout partner quite a bit. She said that when my ex contacts me again that I won’t backslide much, because I am so much healthier around the entire situation.  It’s simpler because I don’t see her and really don’t think that I will see her until the very end of September.  I’m assuming that by then, it will just be a quick how are you and how is your son.  That’s healthy.  What she wanted was not healthy.  Close friends with an ex is just weird.  Now, it is time for connecting with all my close friends and meeting some available girls.  I hope that Saturday night is a BLAST.

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Single Scorpio

So, my friend was chatting me this evening and asking questions about ASD diagnosis.  I was kinda annoyed having to do shop talk while I was just logging in, and was a little short, but she didn’t even notice.  Then she told me that I needed to race one of her friends.  I had cyberstalked her page and knew the name, and this lanky blond really stood out and had an incredible body, but she has a really gummy smile.  I had dated this cowgirl who didn’t have a nice smile in December of 2008 and stopped in February of 2009.  She also had an amazing body and great ass, but her teeth were terrible.  They even made her lips chap the next morning.  She was stellar in bed too, but the teeth combined with her little girl voice killed it for me.  I’m still probably in karmic hell for my break-up with her…

Anyway, I played the age card and said that this lanky blond would waste me in a running race, and she said that they were both 32. 6-years is a big difference.  And that is opposite in the Chinese Zodiac too.  The woman with whom I had my coming out affair was 6-years older than me, so I guess that I didn’t like the smile of the woman who I should have a race with probably had a deeper meaning.  I do believe in intuition and chemistry…  Then she started talking about this other blond…

I asked her to get onto a computer and tell me when her bday was.  She’s a Scorpio.  She just got demolished by her ex partner and went back to her.  Then my colleague said, “We all screamed about her mixing with her ex,” because “that girl was toxic,” and she is not really “ready to date.”  Sounds like me.  Except I have the darkest brown hair that everyone argues is black.  But, chances are that she has light eyes.

Anyway, she and I should get to know each other if we have chemistry.  That is there or it’s not.  I wasn’t attracted to the picture of my ex, and I was to this girl’s pic.  Now, it’s the face to face thing.  And my upholding what I have promised myself, and that is dates in the daylight.  Maybe we can run or lift?  I hope she likes to hike.  I don’t care if she drinks beer.  I’m just ready to meet her, and am hopeful.

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Insomnia and Goals

I have a strange relationship with things hanging over my head–they actually crash into my brain.  I have to get some paperwork done by tomorrow night, or I won’t gather data this spring.  That’s scary.  I guess that it has come to that.  It doesn’t matter much, because I have to get those things done.  I have to stay home from the day job today because I have to move money and write a big check too.

My joints are really sore.  I think that I’ll do a beer fast until Saturday night this week to give my body a break, but I know that I like it better than ibuprofen.  That’s what Saturday night and a cab are for–I get really nervous after I have had 3 when I think about malpractice insurance.  I’m hoping to run for 35-minutes on Thursday so I can get a good time on Saturday night.  I don’t know what a good time is though, but I’d like it to be under 40-minutes.  It will probably depend if it rains that night or not.  I’m assuming that running in rain at night is not a treat.  I just don’t know, because I have never run before now.

Yesterday not only did we run into the wind, but we also were freezing.  It was one of those days due to inclement conditions, you’d have been best off running in ski pants and a hat with flaps, but then the trade-off is that you would sweat buckets.  My son was in basketball shorts, REI under armor, a hoody with the hood on his head, a raincoat, and I pulled his shirt over his head that he got from the event as well.  He did sweat, but his nose also ran like crazy.  I was proud of him for finishing.  He jogged a little bit, and sprinted at least 6 times, but mostly walked at my pace, which is an extremely fast pace.

Now, I’m thinking about money (agonizing), my data and writing, that I don’t want to have clients on Tuesday (So, I don’t think I will schedule any), and my long days on Wednesday and Thursday.  I’m so tired of working a minimum of 50-hours every week.  I also need a distraction.  I don’t contact my ex at all, but I do think about her.  Most likely, much of the reason for the latter is because I don’t have a dark horse in the running.

I read through my entire journal (pen not blog) before I tried to sleep.  I talk about trying to sleep because I woke at eleven thirty and then after one, so I had to leave my bed.  I’m sore and achey, but mostly I’m really just stressed.  Anyway, in my journal, I noted that everything that I voiced and put out as intention came through.  Even though I never wrote, “I want a barista,” I wrote ad nauseum about being mellow and having no temper.  Well, Peter Pan wasn’t passionate about much other than sex in the middle of the night and some works of fiction, and certainly would not ever lose her temper.  Wow.  Careful seems good.

I like sexy.  I like smart.  I like fit.  I prefer light eyes and used to only like tall.  (The latter was removed from my notion of “type” given my little ex.)  I like honest, open, and authentic.  Those three things involve more quiet confidence.  You just are.

Shane and my ex have those elements that are referred to in the vernacular as “The Shit Show.”  However, especially with Shane, when you walked into a crowded trendy spot with her, both men and women would stare.  Probably at her swaggering 5’11” self with the power haircut, flashing smile and sparkling green eyes, but she also had that Steve McQueen thing going.  That: “I’m here and I could give two shits if you don’t like it.”  My ex can get loud and raucous, and relentlessly teases everyone at times–including wait staff–but she has that sex appeal thing and incredible eyes with a good smile.

I’m shifting in desire to more genuine.  Funny is really good, but sense of humor is even better.  Shane is not funny at all, but is much sweeter than my ex is.  She can be really genuine too, but doesn’t often remember those moments given her longterm abuse of alcohol.  I’d trade funny for appreciating laughter.  I’d also prefer a girl who does not take herself too seriously.  Life is not that serious, and there are things that happen that are so difficult that when you can’t just be, laugh, or simply soften, you’re really in for it.  I guess that it.  I do like attractiveness and intelligence, but I’m really seeking: mostly gentle.

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Driven

What is it with all the driven people?  I had a massage this morning because these last two weeks at work have actually been a pile of shit from which I can’t wait to come through, and my therapist, who has been rubbing my act for 10-years told me that with our trail (We live blocks apart.) all torn up that the cyclists are getting on his nerves.  I made the analogy of marathoners and avid roadbikers and determined that they are both zealots, prior to drifting off into the land of stream of consciousness and no voluntary movement.

I’m fit.  Quite so for my age, but I would never run all the time or would I bike until I dropped.  I, frankly, have waaaay too many other things that I’m interested in doing with my time and seek balance.  Plus, I’m not driven to the degree where I live under a misapprehension that I can perfect my body or bench 150-pounds.  Well, I would feel badass if I could do the latter, but would never do 3-sets of 15 of those.  I would like to add some heavy stuff to my day C and just have to buy one of the counselors from work lunch at a soul food place for that 😉  Oddly, he is my ex’s type and actually lives just miles from her…  Small world in which we reside.

We run our family 5K tomorrow.  I hope that my ex doesn’t decide to run it with her son and dog.  Frankly, it’s her neck of the woods.  It really doesn’t matter.  I’ll embrace her, choke back tears when I hold her son, and she’ll clap me on the back–“Way to go, pal.”  So, gross.  A woman who is worth TONS of money, raised a couple of kids, and now is single parenting her own, but can’t be even slightly vulnerable.  This woman who sat in her red, wool coat all night buttoned to the top until she left without saying goodbye when we attended an event that was honestly in the memory of her father.  So driven, yet in the opposite vein, one who runs from raw emotion with the exception of when she makes love.  I’ll never understand her and know that I really don’t know her.

I vow never to be like that.  I don’t want to appear cold.  I’m not formidable, nor am I impervious.  Although I am driven to make a better life for my son and I, I do believe that true love is rare and connection means everything.  Here is to you, sweet girl, wherever you are.  I know that you’re out there and one of my drives to see you; although, I don’t know you or have I yet seen you.

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Dinking around

The biker doesn’t have a gf, but I don’t think that I should fly far away just to hang out with her and have sex.  Although I could really use some sex, and believe me, I could, I don’t think that something just for the sake of doing it is a good idea.  We all have patterns.  I don’t want to go back to mine.

My last relationship was different, and I think that it is simply because I’m at a different level with respect to what I know that I do honestly want.  Just hooking up when some girl is available, or having a here and there long distance fling is not ultimately what I’m seeking.  I was different and in the end I was more heartbroken afterward because I thought that my ex and I would work through our constant fights–actually saying her jumping my shit all the time and me being in shock is more accurate–and then we’d raise our sons together.  That was a fantasy though, because she goes off on everyone, and I have left my childhood behind.  I don’t need a woman to alternately complain and yell at me.

In that song “Detours” by Sheryl Crowe she seeks someone who is awake, and while I do that, I’m not destroyed as a result of my last breakup.  She also wishes to love with a “paper thin heart.”  While the slow, year long death tore me up, and I cried a whole bunch last fall, I am not altered in terms of my ability for passionate and intimate love.  With the turn of this calendar, I have not shed a single tear and we will be midway through this year before long.  I have definitely changed though.  I didn’t know her.  I had written to church girl and I told her that I don’t want to get caught up in the land of dopamine and the elixir of passion before I truly know who a woman is.  My ex and I got sexually involved after just under two weeks, and honestly I knew that she pushes away when she thinks that someone is being casual to her.  I ignored it.  Now, I’d be less likely to ignore something weird like that, but I want to have open exchanges about how a girl fights.

Describe for me, your temper?  Is a a slow, burning kind of thing and then you finally release?  Do you fly off the handle a lot and are you easily irritated?

Have you fought with a good friend?  How did you work through it?

I used to be really hotheaded.  I’m just not like that anymore and it’s rare for me to raise my voice.  I never raised my voice at Shane–not once.  Although I must admit that she and I had that free and easy dynamic wherein we sat quietly.  In fact, she would have a soliloquy for sometimes up to two-hours because I was the only one that she talked to, and I was like a captive audience.  She didn’t ask me any questions, and I was finally glad for her to simply shut up.  I wound up really missing my friends too when I was with her for two-weeks, because we have an even talking and speaking exchange.  Some of my friends do irritate me, and if talking about it doesn’t resolve, I just take space from them.

I need to admit that I have not ever resolved conflict well with a lover.  I need to work on fighting well in my next relationship.  I know what good communication is when you fight, and when Shane was completely sober, which was rare, we could talk through things.  However, the resolution never involved her compromising with me.  It was her decision.  So, in that way I have improved.  I won’t allow a girl to bowl me over and make decisions for me either.

I think that I’m just done dinking around.  I probably won’t go home with anyone at the party in 10-days.  I may not even get any phone numbers.  I think that more than likely, I will just have some fun and laughs.  I don’t want to go back to hooking up, and I don’t want to second guess my instincts with a woman who doesn’t want to compromise either.

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Snow Day

Well, it took until April, but I got it!  I always have these lofty plans that I’m going to work lightly and let my intern hold down the fort, but yesterday we had some stuff come up that only I could address.  I got up at my normal, ungodly hour, checked my email and then my job’s website, and went back to bed.  It’s so great when I can fall back asleep.  My son came in and cuddled me about an hour-and-a-half later.

So, today I’m very happy, because my son is contentedly playing Legos and I’m typing with coffee.  I’m going to make ham and cheese omelets with green onion (And I will have to omit cheese from his, because he doesn’t care for cheese much) and then work some.  But, NOT my day job.  That is closed today as are many city entities.  I won’t even check my email.  It’s not bad in my city though…  I think that most of this storm is where my ex lives.  I’m NOT complaining.  🙂  It is nice to be home, and know that I don’t have anywhere to see clients this evening either.

Our family 5K is this weekend.  We will have to get some sleep on Saturday night because we have to get up really early.  I hope that we don’t have to run into the wind.  I found out on Sunday that I don’t like doing that at all.  Rain is forecasted, so we will need our raincoats and some dry clothes.  I think that there is live music and such afterward.  I’m going to time myself, and then see how much time I can shave off of it six-days later when I run mine solo.  I would like to learn to do 5Ks in 30-minutes and 10Ks in about an hour and fifteen.  That’s my goal.

I’m in that loathing of dry spell mode.  That means that I could go home with a random girl next Saturday.  I hope that I don’t.  My preference is fun social stuff in the daylight with plenty of girls.  That is the good thing about my second 5K, because I will meet a bunch of girls during and after it when we go out for my colleague’s birthday.  I should promise myself to get phone numbers only.  These girls are way younger than me and party a lot.  I outgrew that phase about four-years ago.

I have these strange fantasies wherein I meet a girl at the Art Museum or a book talk.  I’m looking for someone who doesn’t give me shit when I make literary references or when I make jokes that are more metaphorical.  Shane used to tell me how weird I was all the time, and while that’s true, I didn’t like the way that she always had to say it.  My last ex used to give me shit about my use of polysyllabic words, and it was obvious that she was at least slightly bothered that I had made time to continue my education.  I would like to meet a girl who is comfortable where she is, and doesn’t mind that I like music, books, and art.  Peter Pan loved books and music, but she lied about where she was so she could sleep with me.

There have got to be authentic women.  I’m one.  I want to run into one.

 

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More Randomness

I got so very little done this weekend and it’s sad.  It’s already 5:30 am and church girl is coming over for dinner tonight after my son’s dance class.  That means that I have to sweep, mop, vacuum, and clean the bathrooms upstairs.  I’m not in the mind to care much, which is sad, but I will do it.  I couldn’t run much yesterday and my feet are really sore.  I think that my body is kind of against this half marathon, but I will do it.  I’m just old.  My 26-year-old workout partner has a shin splint and says little about it, so I can deal with my bum leg and creaking feet.  It is not going to be easy, but I will finish it.  Then I plan on running only 1 – 2x a week, because it is really hard on knees and other joints.  Glad that I learned how though before I turned 39 🙂

I have to work on my dissertation today.  It’s down to the wire with data collection.  I also need to remake my night client schedule.  This stuff kills the day job, but my intern can hold up the ship today.  I’ll let her know soon and leave her a HeyTell.

We have had so much stress at work.  It’s unreal.  I will get through this week, and am glad to have taken up running, let me tell you.

We are going to get a large snowstorm.  I guess that my prayers for more moisture are working.  Haha.  The birds are talking about it. I guess that “Snow White,” is not all that fictional.  They are sounding pretty riled up already.  I need to cover up the hole our dog dug when she was still a nut puppy, and also spread the rest of the wildflower seeds so they can cold stratify and come up at the end of May.  My backyard is another thing.  Getting grass to grow in sand during a drought is a real treat.

My son’s best friend’s Mom just texted…  She is taking my son for three-hours on Saturday so I can make all the copies of my taxes to send.  I owe so much to this state.  It’s ridiculous.  She is a great friend.

The dog keeps shifting her weight all over my sore and fragile feet.  Nothing like her joints shifting all over the tops of my runner’s feet.  Lovely.  She keeps sighing too.  I think that she knows that today is a workday and will get bored with her puzzle and PB-stuffed, frozen Kong waiting for the dog walker to come.  It’s going to be so nice to only be about 30 – 35 hours away from the house instead of a minimum of 55.  I just have to get through the next 7-weeks.  You can do anything for seven-weeks, and maybe I can start meeting some nice girls too.

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4

I like Astrology.  I don’t have much use for anything past an ascendent, but I think Sun, Moon, and Ascendent are cool, and of course, I do think about Venus placement right now too, but I don’t think much of the other planets in daily stuff.  Anyway, in the summer time when my ex was planning her coup (Meaning that she was ready to sleep with me after a three month hiatus.) she said that her soul number was 9 and that mine was probably 9 too based on Astrology and bday and stuff.  It’s not. It’s 4.  Apparently, you get along best with your soul number when it’s the same or if you’re even, being with another even number.

I had some weird stuff transpire on Tuesday and a friend of mine gave me some immediate feedback.  In the end, she had seen a sign off of a road with the word, “Fair” on it, and the first date of the fair was her Mom’s bday, and the second date of the fair was the day that she was in surgery to save her Mom’s life. (Her mother did not live.)  Later she sent me a HeyTell at 4:44 having no idea that 4 is my number and said that she was thinking of that sign “Fair” and that she was between two cars.  One was 444 in the number section, which her Mom always said is an angelic number, and the one behind her was 999.  So, I don’t think that it is time to do the “friends” card with my ex.  Some day, maybe, but right now I just don’t want any of her energy and definitely not her non-emotional, rational, and combative self that she is championing at this point in time.  She is on her own path.

So, I had an incredible day yesterday.  I had to confront a colleague about her insensitivity and general lack of professionalism.  I had to give a parent a good news, bad news scenario about her 11-year-old in terms of ability and possible diagnosis.  My client who really needs to (by her own admission) stay consistent with her counseling just skipped session without so much as a text.  And, I ran a 5K on the treadmill.  My heart rate average was 160 as well.  I also was able to talk to my workout partner for the duration, so I have built up some endurance.  I would like to run outside on Sunday, so I’m going to with her.  I have not ever done pavement–well, not since 6th grade.  Our family 5K is next Sunday.  Our dog is so crazy that I’ll have to get in a zen place with her darting and beg the nature Gods not to put a rabbit in our path.

It sure is rare to be a licensed psychologist in the area where I work.  I’ll probably have to leave, which is just part of my journey.  It’s inconvenient, and will involve probably my getting on the road thirty minutes earlier than I do now, which will be challenging for my son, but I think that it’s time for me to move on to a place where I can get settled.  I also have to complete this doc, so it’s the last step.  I will need to stay put though, if they complete my training.  That sounds like I’m becoming a Jedi…  I wonder what Yoda’s soul number was?

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Leave the fear

I am going to do some vertical climbing.  I’ve never done it, and am very scared of heights, but it’s guided and was only $50.  I have to wrap my brain around it, but I just don’t believe in living with fear.  I started climbing mountains in 2008, and I have done some ledges and the like in addition to being on all fours when it gets steep, but I have not done vertical….  Yet.

I was driving up a forest road in my old Accord in 2008–it’s actually a very nice car, but I had to give it to my ex out of fairness–and parts of this road were missing at the time.  People kept turning around and I was like, “Nah.”  So I did this weird maneuver around the side of the ditch and then swung the wheel 180-degrees, but I dented the shit out of my oil pan.  It’s not like when you do something like that you can exactly turn around, so I just bombed up, but my car was smoking and lead to my having to repair it later.  The roads were turning from private, to missing, to zoned for parks, to National Forest Roads, so when there was a switchback later and a little driveway, I just turned around.  It was 5:45 in the morning.

I wound up driving around an old mining site and to a paved road, and finally parking low in a pass area.  That is how I completed my first summit, and I did it solo.  It was a much more difficult mountain in terms of technicality at the end and hugging a sawtooth and some scree when you would wind up a bit off trail, but I did it, and I did it completely on my own.  The latter was kinda stupid, so I did wind up climbing with another person after my first summit.

I think that is interesting, because I’m actually terrified of heights, but that’s the whole thing… I don’t believe in being hobbled by our fears.  People say trite stuff like “Face your fears,” but more than that is examining what you can do to pass through them.  I don’t think that when you live somewhere as beautiful as I always have with the exception of when I was in undergrad and my first round of grad school that you should let things that make you anxious rule you.  So, I just don’t.

I have given away my heart and been nakedly vulnerable.  I have completed 11-summits.  I have paddled down a strange river through tree roots and under swampy trees and weird spiders.  I have hung onto the back of a girl on motorcycles and jet skis.  These are not my comfort zones, but I have changed as a result of engaging in these activities.

So, now, in June, I’m going to climb some verticals with equipment.  Ultimately, I will be glad that I tried it.  Face what terrifies you.

I think that the path to being whole is truly being authentic and honest with yourself.  That is so easy to say, but really difficult to work through when you examine and then change.  With being vulnerable and naked with your emotions, it is worth the gamble, because you just change.  I think that when I give the sermon, I would like that to be a thematic tie.  I need to take a peek at my readings and face that fear too.  I speak in public all the time, but don’t have to talk about things that I’m not deep in understanding or require me to connect to my experiences.  But, that is the whole approach to being spiritual right?  It’s not dogmatic, sanctimonious, or does it suggest that one way is right.  It’s scary, but I want to face it like my vertical that is coming up too.

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Nelly’s “Just a Dream.”

Ever notice when stuff happens to you, others in your sphere experience the same sitch too?

I love this song, and I think that it’s odd that on my bad days this is how I feel about my ex, and this is how my ex who moved (Shane) always feels about me… Life is pretty synchronistic and cannot be dismissed as coincidence.

Happy Easter if you believe. And if you don’t, good luck with reconciling lost love and starting anew. I feel spring viscerally this year.

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Recipe

I think that I have a list of deal-breakers.  I read an entry this morning while I was waking up, which gave me a good idea for writing. The author explained that many blogs are about the writer’s ideas and is her or his platform.  Having realized that I have written for five years about dating (one of which is in this blog), I thought that a post regarding deal breakers was appropriate this morning on a day that I have to work 12.5 hours.  Here are the things that yield:

You are not my life partner

1)  You cook like a pig

  • When she makes you a “special” meal and treats your kitchen like a war zone and the top of your stove and cookware like a dartboard, she is probably not your life partner.  Respecting the area where you make meals is key to her approach to many things in this life, and breaking bread and sharing food is often good foreplay.

2)  You don’t sleep worth shit

  • You can’t be with someone who doesn’t sleep much or is so high strung that she wakes up all the time or tosses and turns.  Even on a King sized bed, you will sense this unrest and it will prevent you from getting much sleep, and long-term, it will ensure that you have shitty sleeping patterns even on your non-conjugal nights.

3)  You don’t eat what I eat

  • Drop the phone, and it’s not what I meant; although, I do have opinions about that, it is not the purpose of Item #3 in this list.  I think that people with weird diets or those who eat things that have 27 ingredients because they fear weight gain as if it’s a cliff with zombies chasing you, won’t really be your life partner.  Sharing a meal can be a great time for conversation and connection, and if you have to take out good things that feed your mood and provide you with fullness, it’s going to be a long haul.

4)  I have premeditative thoughts when we travel together

  • If she trashes out the sink, doesn’t pull up the covers and strews shit all over the hotel room when you travel, she expects “help” and probably just cleans up her place when you visit.  This is her game day face and maybe there isn’t enough alcohol in the world to continue to date her.

5)  You live like a Rock Star

  • Girls who party hard every weekend and want to lay in bed until 11 half-assed sleeping tend to depress people who have to / want to do something productive with their weekends.  Someone who smells like a distillery each morning and can’t string together sentences until late afternoon or evening on Saturdays is probably not someone who you plan to champion around your friends.

6)  When you speak, many recoil and others exhibit the “must run away” look

  • We all know these girls (and sometimes perhaps guys).  These are the ones who actually force you to listen to them and talk over people or do so in a loud voice that says, “Look at me, and I have wonderful things to say, but when you speak, I will say, ‘Uh huh, uh huh,’ and will nod like a bobble-head in an Oldsmobile that is driving way too fast, so I can quickly talk again.”

7)  The sound of your voice doesn’t give me chills, pause, or make me hot

  • Even if you are stellar in the sack, there is something about the sound of a woman’s voice, and it should, to you, be pretty damn sexy even when you are not in the act.

8)  I never laugh around you

  • Life is short.  Few things are serious.  Laughter creates all kinds of beneficial things for our bodies and souls.  If you can’t laugh with your girlfriend, you will change your outlook on your days and even hours.

9)  Kids?

  • Oh the proverbial dichotomy!  You either want to raise them or you don’t.  I come from the school that NEVER asks, “So when are you going to add kids?”  Let’s face it, it’s another full-time job and there are plenty of people who keep mental health service providers in business, so don’t feel obligated to cave or vacillate on what will really change your whole life.

10)  I have been with you six-months and don’t know any of your family or friends

  • If you haven’t met anyone, there are only two possible explanations.  She is really not into you, or she has no social circle.

That’s my lessons yielded.  This entry is my platform.  Would love to hear comments or what you don’t agree with in this entry.

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A little dangerous

My weekend was good all and all.  My friends made us a simply wonderful dinner on Saturday night and hanging with them is always incredible.  I have great friends.  My son got too tired from all the activity on Saturday, so he was a bit grouchy and annoying on Sunday, but today he made up for it.  I love watching his dance class.  I have only rarely missed it–like maybe four times in a year.  He talked my ear off all night otherwise, we had a wonderful dinner and our house is clean and nearly all organized.  I also made a helluva dent in my dissertation shell today.  All very good.

The weekend had a small thing come up…  I was with only one of the girls who made me a dinner a couple of weeks ago (It was the one who actually cooked.) over on Sunday.  She hung out with me for about three-hours too.  I wish that she wasn’t 5’8″, hot, and smart.  We laughed.  She played with my son–which would NOT be occurring if she was a love interest–and we took a walk around the pond and then she did the cutest thing…  She asked to swing with me.  Damn.  Can you say, “CONTRAST?”  So sweet and tender.  It is a bit worse because although I’ve known her a little less than a year, it feels like more because one of my best friends (who now lives in another state) is her BFF.  We just gel and click and I’m so comfortable with her.

I told two friends today that means that I can’t really hang out with just her again.  And, I won’t.

Now, I just really do need a distraction.

I ran finally tonight.  I don’t know how long it’s been since I actually worked out at all.  I’m drinking chicken broth with garlic and cayenne currently.  I could only run a little over a mile.  I had some wicked coughing fits today.  Tomorrow is my A weights, which is probably my least favorite day of the week, so “Yay, me!”  It’s really nice not to have clients tomorrow.  I have to work tomorrow night, but will score and write a report after my son goes to bed.  I don’t have to be away from him which is very nice.

That’s it.  A dirty confession.  Given that I was raised Catholic, it actually makes me feel like shit, but I have never cheated and am not going to start at 38-and-a-half.

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Going great

We got my son’s room organized completely with the exception of his closet and a toy box.  I have sooooo many plastic guys, metal cars, and just random crap to take to the Thrift Store in addition to all his size 6 clothing.  I would say that we probably have about two hours or so left in his room.  Not only can you see his floor, but his closet is not barfing out his art supplies and old cleats and such.

I just have not been able to locate one of his shin guard covers.  However, he has worn those for two seasons, so the guard may not be big enough anyway, so I could justify buying new cleats and shin guards.  You can buy those in a bundle and his soccer cleats are size 2.  My son is a horse, so I will have to buy him 3.5 as it is for his new shoes.  It was cool because his best friend’s Mom had gotten him his basketball shoes for his first season.  It was not cool that our dog found them and ate the pull strap off the back of one shoe.  Those were thrown out, because he doesn’t have need for them again.  He can wear his high top Chuck Taylor’s this August for camp.

His best friend’s bday party was fun.  I didn’t get a chance to be able to get my non-dating lower half bikini body ready in terms of maintenance.  It’s funny how carefully shaving gets so rare when you’re not getting laid, but I was super glad that I had not shaven when we got there, because that Rec Center pool was probably 30-times more crowded than the two that he and I use in our city.  The noise was deafening.  Thank God that we had dinner plans at our friend’s house.  I needed those microbrews.

The only thing that was slightly special about the playdate portion of the night was that we had to bring our dog and one of the Moms is so allergic to dogs.  So, of course she was jumping up on the French Doors and being a shit.  We had people scouring our house–I have not been able to hire this daughter-father team since 2010, but they do an incredible job.  Our hard woods are completely clean and the bathrooms are shining.  I had no idea that they would still be at my house 3-hours later.  We took our dog and thanked our friends for being so accommodating.  Our dog had been at Doggie Day Camp for six-hours, but they live across the street from a dog park, so she tore it up there too with a boxer and a whippet-lab.

She is sleeping now while I wake up–again–but this time only with a slightly sore throat.  I’m going to get through this thing with no antibiotics.  I’m proud.  It has been hell.  I’ll do my first round of cardio tonight, so I can lift tomorrow.  I am not hacking up my lungs right now or am I blowing my nose over and over and over.  So, I think that before my week off, which is the week after next, I should be fantastic.

Today is church for at least two-hours given my announcement role, and a small brunch at least with one of my friends.  Then we can do some laundry before we go to my parents’ house for dinner.  I’m sharing the lentils with smoked chicken with them, and my Mom is making biscuits for my son.  I’m not close in particular with my parents, but I am honest with them.  Just can’t see them much due to my boundaries for my health.  They are just grandparents to my son too, but they watched him for over a year before I put him in daycare.  My father is good with little kids, but when they start to talk, he is weirdly permissive and passive-aggressive with my Mom and tries that shit with me too.  “Your grandmother wants you to do that,” and that really makes limits difficult.  I grew up in “The Shining,” because he’s Bi-Polar, and has only been on meds for three-years.  I’m not exaggerating even slightly, and do know that I have chosen an alcoholic and a volatile-cycler last because chaos is normal for me.  It’s not a bad thing to be single for some time.

I asked my friends again why they didn’t know anyone who I could date or chill with.  They said, “Well, the one who is single is butch and overweight.”  I showed her a pic of Shane and said, “See?  Butch is fine as long as it’s soft and you have nice features.”  They remarked on how pretty she was and then asked why we still weren’t together given our two years.  I told just one bar story and it wasn’t a scary one either, but was comical for the part I had chosen.  They both cracked up and said, “Oh.”  That was the end of that.  Honestly, it’ll happen when it’s meant to.  I’m not sleeping much because of the lack of exercise and this shitty cold, so it’s nice not to wake up a girl this week.  Life will calm down and I’ll be somewhere, and a girl and I will just notice each other…

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Weekend is nearly here

I’m so glad that it’s Friday.  I guess that I will have to get antibiotics–I don’t think that I’ve had this kind for sickness since 2003–if the cough is still here and bad on Monday.  I haven’t done any exercise at all less some walking and it sucks.  I know that you shouldn’t have this much gunk and not sleep through the night in a week, but I hate doctors and medical intervention in general.  I will have to go though, if the weekend is like the week has been on the health front.  There are times of day when I can’t complete sentences without coughing.  I swim with my son at a bday party on Saturday afternoon, and then two Moms who have a son are making us dinner.  That makes for a good Saturday.  Sunday is busy because I have to do the announcements at church, so I have to get up really early because my friends who I had dinner with last month are coming to the eleven service with me.  I think that one of my best buddies and her neighbor are as well.  I may have to make extra brunch food on Sunday morning in case they want to come over afterward as well.

I’m happy and balanced.  I had one of those weird shifts on Wednesday night and I wrote in pen about my relationship history.  Over the last six-years, I have been with six different women in some fashion of trying to see if a relationship was possible.  I was with Shane for two-years–she wanted to marry me–and with Bette, I guess, for a year and some change.  I guess, because I slept with Peter Pan when Bette and I didn’t see each other during the summer.  Sometimes I’ve been with girls for two months, and another time, I have been with a girl for two years.  Before Bette and I reconnected, I had my eight or nine day thing, but it was a Fix-me-Ms.-Rebound.  Sadly, that worked, and I don’t want that right now.

A very good friend of mine is on the “I don’t want a relationship bus,” right now and has been going on dates.  She had fallen in love with a guy last year, and it turns out that he sleeps with all kinds of different women and is unlikely to ever move from a neighboring state.  She shed a lot of tears over him and really wanted to be his #1.  They have great conversations.  Now, she just sleeps with him when he’s in town visiting his children, and when she leaves town to visit her sister and nieces, but her heart isn’t involved.  That seems like a safe thing really.

I took a walk with a friend last night while my son played in the park.  We just made loops so we could supervise him.  I talked about wanting to meet tons of girls to chill with and maybe to expand my social circle.  I don’t know about my winter of celibacy moving into spring or not.  My friend is really funny, and logged into my laptop and started reading a Strictly Platonic ad on Craigslist.  It said something to the effect of, “Hey, let’s meet up and if something develops that’s great too.  I’m an Aquarius, and I can quickly piss off a Virgo…”  I cracked up, and she was confused.  I said, “That’s what I am!  And that is true.  Look how long my son had his Nerf gun before he destroyed the inner workings of the housing with sand.”  I do things the conventional way, and my son does things any way and argues about strange things.  I don’t think that I have ever said, “I’m not going to engage in this.  I care too much,” more than I did last night.  He is a nut.  I love him, but wouldn’t want anything like that in female form.

It’s funny because church girl said that she is loving being single and not tending to a relationship.  I like this time of silence as well, and can take care of stuff for school and clinical hours without having to explain my schedule.  However, being an extrovert, I’d be fine with meeting up for dinner, hikes, movies, beers, biking, or day trips with new girls.  I’m doing a microbrew and food sampling fest next Saturday.  I’m not going with friends either, and just will probably start at the bar and the mosey about some.  I’d like to do a film festival with discussions too.  I may do some Meetups at some point.  I just have zero interest in dating sites.  People tell you what you want to hear, and really just want to get laid.  Not to be arrogant, but if I stay around a bar until 1, I can do that any night of the week, but that’s just not what I’m seeking anymore.  Frankly, connection has become too important to me.

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Ready, set

I saw the best thing early this morning when I woke up to have a coughing fit.  It was one of those Venn diagrams, which are often touted by educators, but it has three overlapping circles with “self” inside of it.  It was in a blog.  I had to post it.  Captions at the tops of each of the circles talked about what people need from people in their lives.  I’m paraphrasing here, because I closed my social media site after posting it–after all I’m in the mode to unplug except for this activity.  Self included: people who always make you smile, people who always teach you something new about the world, and people who you want to spend the rest of your life with, which applied to self, which was actually the word “you” on the diagram.  That’s it.

I’m pairing down.  I only kept non-close people in this first round of unfriending from my church community, because you do see them every Sunday, and could wind up cleaning up their yards and doing food drives for them.  Plus, not to be homocentric, but it’s something that I’ve noticed over the last 18-months, they would do anything for my son.  Tons would show up if he were sick, and probably some of them who I have never said a word to or even made eye contact.  I think because many of them never wound up having kids, they love the few kids who attend church.  Some of them know who I am too.  As an example, a guy and his boyfriend grabbed me as I was exiting the large liquor store that is part of the local grocery store that I use.  He said, “We go to your church.  We love to hear you read.”  I don’t think that I’ve mentioned prior that I have a husky, radio voice.  No clue who this guy is.  But, connection would be extended in the other direction if he or his bf were sick or something.  You help people in your community.

I don’t want former colleagues who don’t keep up with my son on there.  I don’t want people who don’t have similar values on there.  I don’t want any exes on their except for my second girlfriend, who I lived with for three years in college.  She is barely bi.  I am the only woman who she has had sex with, and she has two kids, a straight marriage, a great career, and lives 350-miles away from me, because I went to college out of state.  She also relentlessly teases me, has known me 20-years this fall, and will “get” me on some levels that new people just won’t.  Of course, my ex-husband is also on there, but shit, I’ve known him 19-years this fall, and we share a child.  He doesn’t really get himself on the whole, but he is part of my life.  My ex-gf from college falls in the “make me smile,” and “someone who I want to spend the rest of my life with.”

Church girl never wrote back.  I recall, I believe that she promised to call after our first date as well, and never did that–although, I did have to cancel our second date.  I don’t think that she’s consistent.  That’s something that I am.  I’m also willing to work hard and see things through.  Please recall that I wrote the apology to her more for me, because I wanted her to know what truly was bad timing and that I believe she will have peace, prosperity, and a wonderful girl in the future.  Her first partner died.  I don’t know how.  But, we are not dating, and I made my honest, authentic olive branch.

My ex cannot always make me smile.  Mostly because interactions with people is chess with her.  She must control all moves.  My ex taught me 4 new lessons about the world.  I thanked her for those the before the last time that I saw her.  My ex is not someone who I want to spend the rest of my life with.  I’m glad that we dated, she left good lessons for me, but I don’t want to see her or seek her out.

I’m really ready to move forward.  I’m so good on my own and can chill with friends in three to four hour intervals any day of the week.  They are my family.  I have a beautiful son.  Our dog is very sweet.  I have kept my house and my car and have stayed afloat amidst pay cuts and huge health insurance hikes.  I’m set for a future, and very much looking forward to the next steps on this journey.

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No agenda

I wrote to the girl from church yesterday and did so, as I wrote, more for myself than anything else.  I had no agenda doing it, but rather wanted her to know about what really was bad timing on our part.  We had a nice first date.  We talked fairly easily and were good just walking loops around the park–I think that total we spent about three-hours together, which is a long first date.  I think that it was easier because she and I had seen each other and also sat together several times.

I told her the truth.  I explained that ours was definitely a favorite of my first dates, and I have had LOTS of dates.  I also explained that my ex came down the following week, and then I found myself back in the same pattern, but after two months, I realized that I was the one who had changed and she hadn’t.  I told her that I don’t desire a friendship with her, but on the off-chance that we would run into each other, I’d like to be civil.  About five-years ago, I told a friend, “There are twelve lesbians in ______ , and they all talk.”  I repeated that for sometime, and then just decided to increase the number each time someone said, “______ , there are more than that!”  I’m only up to 51.  This is a cliquey and small community.

I still don’t know if she’ll go out with me.  She seems to hang with the fifty-ish women from church.  But, honestly, I always call it the Church O’ Boyz.  There just aren’t many women there period.  Also, she has had tons of stress as of late because she has been unable to find employment, and belongs to the “no expectations, no disappointments” school.  I don’t go there.  I have hope and trust in my journey and know that it leads me exactly where I need to be everyday.

My cold is better.  I did wake up very early coughing, but rested in bed for a few and now am typing.  I have the coolest thing in the world right now, but haven’t turned it on yet this morning.  It’s a little wireless speaker with a BIG sound.  I stream Pandora from my phone on Bluetooth and have music nearly throughout my house.  It’s even better than those Bose systems and was a fifth of the price.  I want one more speaker so I can always have music everywhere in my 50s ranch.  I don’t have carpet upstairs so the hardwoods help carry sound.  I love it.  I’m a music freak.

All is quiet on the ex front.  Yay.  I think that it helps to write an answer to a question in the subject of an email and then attach only a link in the body.  That is my comfort zone.  Hey, I’m creepy, negative, and selfish and have zero compassion, so might as well be that way.  Speaking of which, I have to tell one of my best friends that I don’t want her to move in in June.  Yikes.  It would ruin our friendship.  I’m taking her for grass-fed burgers and brews tonight.  There is live music too if I can stay up.  That gets really hard for me when I have two beers and I have not been able to exercise.  I just have to be honest with her; although, I do know that she needs to decrease her bills by $300.

Seems like I’m being honest with everyone.  Good path, that.  I honestly have thought a lot about the way that the girl from church pulled me closer to her so our abdomens were pressed together when we embraced after our date in August.  She grabbed my arm too and ran her hand down it.  I’m bigger now than I was in the summer too, so she may want to do that again.  Also, sometimes she has played with my hair in church.  I am going early today, but when I do see her again at a later service, I’m going to flirt.  Hell, I’m single.

I wonder if there will be some nice girls at the 5Ks in April.  Who knows?  However, I draw the line at on-line shit.  I had a couple of girls from there in 2008 – 09, but they were not women that I would have ever organically run into, so.  One was a cowgirl who lived in a neighboring state.  She was awesome in bed, but not a great kisser.  The other one was a damn Gemini who did all the back and forth mindfuck stuff.  I let that one completely go and then three-months later she wanted to do a summit with me.  WTF?  Sounds like Bette though.  Hmm…

I know that she is out there.  I’d love to go to dinner with the girl from church, but the ball is in her court given that when we had a date, I was like a cautionary tale.  I apologized for that, and told her that I wish her peace, prosperity, and a path to her ONE.

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S squared

That is kind of an inside joke too, because I have had two girls with the EXACT same initials as each other; although I dated them 4-years apart.  They both liked “squaring” their names too.  Anyway, I woke up on Friday morning before 1 and my throat was completely on fire.  It made working very difficult yesterday.  I don’t like working sick, but I had specific duties yesterday so couldn’t have missed barring a bone break or the like.

I can’t go to Boot Camp this morning, because I’m still sore in the throat, and my chest hurts.  I’m way better though and went back to sleep this morning and slept until 7.  I feel like a different person in comparison to last night though.  This pattern happened last right before my two-week vacation in December.  I was sicker than hell that Friday night and got better by sleeping a ton.  I was soooo sick.  I did the same thing as now and that was get a ton of sleep to rid myself of it.  I had just a week earlier told my ex that I couldn’t approximate dating with her back in December…  It was a week before this winter started.

The second s is snow!  It’s doing it again.  I’m so glad.  If it would do it once a week through mid-April, we could get some water into our reservoirs.  I’m just going to hope for that.  I don’t want my climbing season to be shitty.  I don’t want to look west and see smoke and have the hills and mountains be obscured.  I know that is the natural cycle of things, but I want to raise my son where we have real seasons and definitely this beautiful snow.  Yay.

She texted me twice yesterday.  I didn’t text her back, but when I got done with clients, I found the original article that I had read which gave her the answer to one of the texts that she had sent.  I wrote the word (answer) in the subject line and attached the article link.  We are NOT BFF.  There are so many reasons for that too, which I shall list here:

  1. We didn’t work as partners because she criticizes and controls
  2. I have TONS of friends who I simply have a good “show-up” factor in terms of our relationships
  3. I don’t want to drive up there.  The peak that she lives next to is not one that I ever want to climb, and there are PLENTY of places to snowshoe here
  4. When I talk to her, there is very little joy that is emitted from her…  She may laugh once or twice, but is really serious
  5. I can’t think of anything that she complained about me that wasn’t something that she was, in fact, doing
  6. My son doesn’t miss her, but misses her son
  7. She would benefit from finding peace, but tranquility is not typically found in interactions with your ex
  8. We don’t see the demise of our relationship in the same way
  9. We don’t find the same types of people fascinating, and her friends are not very funny less the girl who introduced us
  10. She didn’t love me enough to learn strategies to resolve conflicts, alternate driving, or do something on a date that I thought of or planned

So, no thanks.  We are cool, but we are not friends.  We don’t have interactions with people in the same way, and I seek happiness, laughter, and connection.  I don’t feel happy around her, and I’m no longer connected to her.  My shrink said it’s because she gets scared, but I don’t intimidate or compete with others, so I’m not the scary one frankly.