Tag Archives: Connection

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Doy

I don’t mean I give, but I’m pretty much a top, so I guess it has double-meanings.  I can go out on a date again with the child.  My friends keep telling me that she is not a child, but 28 does freak me out, but I’ll just get over it.  I’ve seen her for over a year, and have talked to her since last July, so it fits my “know well” thing.  Plus, she wrote, “How about a juicy mango?” on my status last week.  Hello?  I talked to her yesterday and we had ease in conversation and then when I got to my practicum site I said, “Can I take you out to dinner next Saturday night?” and she said, “That sounds good!  I’ll check my schedule and get back to you.”  We’ll go to a trendy spot in a gentrified area just north and west of downtown, and I’ll tell her a start time, so we have two cars.  If the convo is good, I’ll walk her to her car and hug her again.  If she grabs my bicep again, I’ll finally kiss her.  I’ve known her eight months.  So, I do have a girl I can date.

Bette HeyTelled yesterday morning, and at the end of it she said, “Are we going to be able to be friends?”  So, I just called her.  I talked to her about various things and then she posed the question again, and I said, “You know, _____ , I originally just wanted to be amiable when I could feel your new girl’s energy and realized that you couldn’t say such mean things to me unprovoked if there wasn’t another moving right in.  But now after seeing you, it gets convoluted.  I just wanted us to be cool on the off chance that we see each other out and about, but now…  So, I just need to take time.  I’m quick at work, and in fact, my colleagues always say, ‘There is ______ , on a mission!” but in my personal life I am not like that.  I rely on observations and need lots of them to make decisions.  Last night was just too convoluted.”

Then she said, “Well, the ball is really in your court, and you’ll need to contact me.”  I said, “_____ , that could be years.”  And she said that was ok.  About a half an hour later she apologized for ever hurting me and indicated that she really meant it.  Then she texted again and said that she loves me and that I still have a significant piece of her heart.  I texted, “Thank you.  I love you too.”  And I do.  I fell completely in love with her and she was a critical part of my journey.

However, I really need to date.  I don’t know if it’s feasible to date a whole bunch of women, because I am away from my house a minimum of 11-hours daily getting things done.  I don’t have time or a method to meet lots of girls.  However, I’m NOT having sex next weekend.  I think that the end of the month is a good idea for that.  Because then it has been nearly four-months since I have, and that is always a good marker for me to rid another girl’s energy from me.  I don’t want her to feel Bette when we do connect if it proceeds that way.  I know that she wants to, and that she wanted to make out on the street when we had our date in August.  Slow build up this month seems good.  She is not Peter Pan either and has always told me the truth.  We should be good.  At least it’s a fun prospect, and I’ll just get over her age.

Such a strange path.  My shrink is right, and you certainly cannot bend the river.  I don’t want to, and am ready to float down, while I can appreciate and avoid fervor or rapids.  Canoe seems good.

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Stream of consciousness

I haven’t seen her in about 10-weeks and tonight will be a funny reconnection.  We are seeing a psychic do a “presentation?”  I don’t know what she does, but my friend who I don’t completely trust, but has been in my life for nine-years said this woman is amazing.  She apparently can channel many lost loved ones.  Not that I subscribe to coincidences anyway, but it is amazing that this night takes place the night before her father passed a year ago.  I don’t know what she’ll channel, but it will be fascinating, I’m sure.

I wrapped some natural chicken thighs in non-nitrate turkey bacon and am baking them.  It smells good.  I cut up three gigantic carrots and diced some onions and celery hearts and put them in the bottom on the crock.  I soaked the lentil blend last night.  I’ll combine them with broth before I go to work.  The boys will have a comforting pot of food.

I’m feeling pretty neutral.  I remember when I met her for a glass of wine in mid-October I felt this same way.  She looked liked shit that night too, because she was worried about her surgery, so it was easy just to chat.  She said something shitty to me and touched my hand and I pulled back.  It was condescending.  I hope that I don’t have to put up with much of her shit tonight.  I just want to laugh a little.

We stopped laughing.

We laughed one time in September–when I mistook Mr. Clean for Listerine–and the other times it was completely heavy.  Way too serious.

Was it just a dopamine rush for three-months?  Waaaay back in 2011…  I think that there was more, but I do think that she was on her best behavior with me, and then couldn’t maintain.  She does these highly affected things so she won’t look like a controller.  Her moods are really intense and completely volatile.

If we don’t laugh tonight, I won’t do anything but send cards.  She told me to tell her when I’m dating, but I don’t want that energy around when I finally do sleep with someone.  And, I don’t want to sleep with anyone who I don’t know again, so I’m just doing the friend surrounding currently.

I was craving apples yesterday morning so I posted it.  The girl ten-years my junior who I had a date with last summer wrote about a “juicy mango?”  I took that like an offer so I posted it.  Honestly, I really wouldn’t mind sleeping with her every other weekend if that would be appealing to her.  I may ask at the end of March.  I do miss Shane for that reason given that in 2009 she was 10-minutes away, and we could hook up and it was fun, and low maintenance.  I do know this young girl, so that would fit my current bill.  However, does it delay her being able to look for a partner and have some kids?  I’m direct.  I may ask.  I’ll see how she presents in church on Sunday before I ask.

I have all of this work to do.  I have to get it all done by 4/30 too.  Insane.  Especially when I’m already working 60-hours a week and am pushing 40.  On top of all of this, I’m on new meds for acne that make having my cycle what I do everyday nearly.  That is just lovely as well.

I wonder why I’m happy?  I am.  I have taken to holding my son against my chest laying parallel to the length of the sofa and toward the corner while I read to him.  He was sick last Wednesday and we started this tradition.  I have great friends.  The little circle of lesbians that I’m finally assembling (after wanting it for nearly two-years) is taking off and now our dinner parties will rove.  I have a lead for my doctoral internship.  I’m out of a negative relationship.  I think I get why life is good and I’ll take that energy with me tonight to the psychic.

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Fears

Many behaviors that we exhibit, which are complex and seemingly not sensical at times, are merely a function of our level of anxiety that we experience when specific in situations.  I am worried about being unable to get along for an hour, but I know that I am much more well-polished with those skills than she is.  For example, I have to see my ex-husband literally all of the time.  I am completing clinical hours after work, so he has to pick up our son after school.  It is rare that we have disagreements and I simply refuse to engage in anything similar to a power struggle with him when he explodes.  About quarterly, he annoys me with an explosion of temper, but I don’t say anything to our son.  I tell him, “I’m not going to engage with you like this,” and I probably could have done stuff like that with my ex too, but she attacks and dehumanizes with her words.  That is for her and her new girlfriend to work out 🙂

She is anxious.  She emailed me five or six times last Tuesday, and last night–very late–she did so twice and from her social media site.  When you have been with a controller and you are trained like I am, you know why she does what she does.  However, I don’t have to open the next email from her, because it’s similar to the first one.  She will not “see” anything, because I won’t open it, and if she really, really wants to share songs with me,  she can email me to my account and send one of those “read upon receipt” sending conditions.  She doesn’t attach a file, but rather says, “I like the beat in this song,” or “You’d love this song.”  Some of these contacts make me feel like she is trying to get me to add her back, but I wouldn’t do that for anything and maybe never.  Wow.  Even Shane is better with following friendship rules.

I had written in some summer entries that what you do for a living does matter.  Peter Pan introduced herself to me as a teacher, but is actually an assistant who does not work full-time.  Not only was it distasteful for her to lie for two months, but it also made her free and easy, fly-by-the-seat of your pants, screw at one in the morning before you go home attitude make a lot of sense as well.  What you do for a living effects your show-up factors.  My ex is used to everyone around her lying to her and getting away with things, so she crafts control through methods that seem legitimate.  I’m just used to her, so I simply know why she does things in the method that she does.  If she can truly switch careers next year, as she has made a good product, she will likely soften some, which will be very good for her son and those who she caretakes.

I told my shrink that because I do what I do, I may be alone forever.  She laughed, and said, “No, but you are likely to be more discerning with relationship.”  What I am really glad about is that when I’m just enjoying–not when I’m fighting or being treated badly–I don’t even think psychologically.  However, when a relationship is ending or has ended, I do know what my exes will do.  Again, I just don’t have to engage.

We need friendship ground rules.  I’ve been thinking that it could be necessary to tell her that I am am very much on-the-fence that we can be friends.  I think that we can be cool and be amiable, but I believe 1) your partner is your best friend, and 2) she is so intense that the level of friendship that she and I would have–meaning with which I am comfortable–would not be fulfilling for her.  What do I want?  Very little to be honest.

Infrequent contact seems more normal to me, as does hanging out annually or a couple of times a year.  I have to also be honest and also say that it would be much easier for me to come over to her house after snowshoeing when I have a girlfriend who is there with me.  There still exists this power differential and I don’t know if she can keep her mouth shut about sex with me.  I guess that many of these musings shall be answered after Thursday.  I have to go commute in through the snow in an hour, so I’m signing off for this day.

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Simple

I had dinner with my new friends last night–I met the first girl through one of my best friends who is currently living in CA.  It was excellent.  I’m so entrenched in making all kinds of Italian and Asian dishes that I forget about simple foods.  She combined mushrooms, seeded tomatoes, and then coarse chopped green beans, carrots, and kale.  Finally, she added beef at the end and made it in a large stock pot.  My father always used to boil and make polenta, but she buys the tubes and fries the discs in olive oil.  It was very good, and luckily, she also had a big favorite of mine and that was sweet potatoes.  I brought a red blend that originates from the area of Italy that my grandmother is from, and, of course, my salad.  Her girlfriend kept complimenting the salad and also polished it off 🙂  YUM

It was another easy night.  Their love story was that they met on Craigslist, but they had seen each other on other dating sites, and were intrigued, the only one my new friend had ever responded to was her, and she said that she had always been seeking a healthy relationship.  She had been in a 5.5-year one in another state, but wanted out of it for a long time.  I told her that because I had that very long str8 marriage, and was with him for a total of 11-years, I won’t settle now and tend to end things after I have given what I know from my experience is every last try.  She told me that is a good thing to do, because relationships shouldn’t really be that hard.

I tend to agree with her.  Life is the thing that is wrought with twists, turns, adversity, and difficult circumstances, but your real partner should just meet that with you and own her emotions.  She should not have to tear you up and rage around you more than she just wants to be held.

We laughed really hard.  We played a progressive card game.  Her mother and bf were in NM, so they were excited that I brought our dog.  My friends were house and dog sitting for my new friend’s mother.  The dogs actually played for nearly 4.5-hours.  Mine is happily sleeping right now after breakfast because she got that, my attention off and on yesterday, many trips out to the backyard, and a long walk in the University district last night.  I actually didn’t want to go last night, but I’m getting so damn old to stay out past midnight.  Some of it is just that my work requires early mornings as does my son, so my internal clock has altered.  However, I didn’t want to leave and just kept noting the ease.

That’s what I’m seeking–ease.  Peter Pan thought that she was easy, but what she really was is selfishly spontaneous.  She doesn’t plan anything, and just lets winds blow her where they will and because she is a pleasant person most of the time, she can just show up and usually get some good convo or sex.  However, although I’m seeking ease, I’m also seeking a grown-up.  I was married to a child and have dated two children as well.  I like fun and someone less serious than I, but I do want an adult with grown-up values.

foodforblog

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Closure

No, that is bullshit, because I don’t believe it.  I just wanted a one word title this morning before I go into work and my night site.  People are dynamic, and as they learn, change, and have other influences which are external or result through connections with others, and they also change with respect to grieving the loss of another or a relationship.  I know myself well enough at this stage of my life that I just wait and think and act when I know that it’s right or it feels like the right thing to do.  When I was younger, I’d fly off the handle and simply react, but I’ve outgrown that.  This change is one of the main reasons that my ex and I wouldn’t work.  She says almost everything that pops into her head and is also hot-headed.  I don’t do that anymore and have learned to simply slow the hell down.

I woke up on Sunday with the drunk heavy in my mind.  After talking to a few people (close friends), I determined that maybe I should confront her in specific about her alcoholism.  Yesterday, this feeling turned to my being worried that something happened to her, so I just e-mailed her.  Turns out that she had her thyroid removed.  We have exchanged some e-mails and I certainly told her that I always worry about her health and what she does to her body that it doesn’t need.  I feel good about my contact too.  She had emailed me 8-mos ago and I only answered it now; although, I did so in a completely new thread.  She said, “I miss you both very, very much,” so this am, not wanting any mixed messages, I told her about my internship plans, my lack of desire to ever move, and that I am seeking a healthy relationship.  However, it is interesting to be back in touch with her.  We have known each other four-years this summer.  Wouldn’t that be great if I could get to this comfy level with my ex?!?  She left a bizarre message for my son on Monday morning.

I don’t believe in closure, but I’m tying up loose ends.  I’m living authentically and mindfully.  I work around the clock, but I still take time for me, connect to my son, and stay fit.  Now, over the next six-months, I want to meet some nice girls.  My cousin told me that I could delay sex about as well as I could grown horns when I was with her last night at Happy Hour.  I just want to actually know the next girl I date.  We shall see.  Or you will, as I nakedly chronicle my many years of dating here!

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Save it for the cookies

I’m not sure if there is a script for this whole looking thing.  I wish that I could say that I can do completely casual for a a long time.  However, if I think back to every girl who I slept with the exception of the little liar, I have to be very attracted to a girl in order to date her.  So, when I reflect further, it’s maybe not possible to have tons of hang outs with single girls.  I don’t do well with anything open.  I wonder if I can be very attracted to several girls at once.

Maybe it subsides when you learn that…  She chews with her mouth open or she doesn’t wash her hands with soap?  I don’t know.  I do know that as soon as I’m in a relationship with a girl, I don’t even look.  One of my best friends calls me “bizarrely monogamous.”  I just think that I work hard and pour myself into things very strongly, so I don’t have energy to expend that is significant in different directions.

Something interesting happened with one of my clients lately.  She told me about how she originally didn’t like a girl who became her best friend, and then over the course of a year, her “best friend” did some really shady shit to her.  I came to that she has good intuition and should not ignore it–meaning that she knows quickly who is who.  I told her that is her lesson and that is never to second-guess because she gets people quickly.

I know that I can’t follow a script, but I get people quickly too.  I won’t rush my year-before-living-together, but I will trust that I know.  My ex did push and pull and wordsmithed what I wrote and later what I said within two weeks.  The little liar just didn’t “feel right” to me and I succumbed to her pursuit games.  And hell, I met the drunk, in a BAR!  I wish that there was a factory approach to finding an incredible girl, but it just doesn’t seem to work that way in the world of dating.

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Peeps

Well, I get a three-day with my son this weekend, which is good.  I spent this weekend getting lots of things done, so I didn’t have as much time to clean because I also went out on Saturday.  This weekend, I should get some solitary stuff together for my son to do inside the house because his bday is next weekend and we should save money.  I have Happy Hour on Monday, so that is my adult social thing that I will do.

My friend who just turned 37 is so cool–we went out for her bday on Sat.  She has an arty way about her, but she also tends toward connecting well with the person who she is talking to.  She was very late, so I talked with one of the bartenders in this trendy spot.  He came over and said, “Can I get you something?”  I told him that I didn’t  know that my friend would be this late, and he said, “I’m like that too.”  I nodded and then said, “Oh?’  He told me about his 8-month relationship and how his girlfriend can’t stand his running late, and then I said, “Well, she is an amazing person, and we all have faults so I don’t really care about this fact.”  He smiled and laughed.  I elaborated and explained how if you are basically a good person and just do one thing, and you probably don’t always do it, as long as it isn’t a dealbreaker, it doesn’t affect anything that much.  He said, “Well, I didn’t ever come to her late until after 3-months.”  I told him that everyone does nice things for three-months, and if he really wants to change this fact about himself, he can develop new habits.  He said, “I was so fucking bored.  Some of the people who come in here are…  You’re so for real!”  I congratulated him on his 8-months and he bought me a drink.  Because she got there an hour-and-a-half past our start time, I was there for five-hours.  They have cool art though, and we enjoyed that and brilliant conversation.

I talked to one of the soloists at church yesterday.  In fact, we had a long conversation.  She is soft butch and has incredible eyes.  She and her partner have two kids.  She works for an agency in private practice and has all her clinical hours done too.  Anyway, she asked if my bday twin was my gf.  I said, “No, she’s straight, and I outgrew that at 22.  I’m also very single.”  She has been with her partner for five-years and married for three, and she said, “I have outgrown that too, but it just took me awhile.”  I told her that from the security point, that it is heartbreaking for me, so I will not be doing it, and she talked about the thrill of the catch.  I realized that I have really gotten old.

Five couples will be at the dinner party next month.  After you hang out with that many happy people, you have to have some good energy.  One of my friends who is coming said, “I think it’s lesbian osmosis.”  I laughed and thought that was pretty good, but what I really want to do in general is be around people who I can laugh with and feel their happiness.  One of my good friends and her gf came over for dinner last night so that my first introduction to her would not be the party, and they are really into each other, but they are new. Lots of things will settle in this year and her girl is a major extrovert and my buddy is very private, and quiet.  I’m not sure how that dynamic will be for the long haul, but my friend and I have been friends for five-years, so it would have been really weird not to invite her.  One of the other couples does nearly the commute that I just had.  They are extremely happy too, because they made an incredible impression on my friend who was home for her bday and the holidays, so I think that it will be good to be with them too.

I like to be around happy people.  I like to joke lightly with folks when they get too serious or they don’t see the humor in lots of situations.  I like stimulating conversation and want to share some of my hobbies with a woman.  I especially want to cook for her. As I begin these pre-dating ventures, I will bring a buffer person or couple to my house, so that when I’m going to bed, I can just say, “Well, goodnight everyone,” and get coats.  I’m not about to engage in physical intimacy until I have some good data about a girl, and good or bad, that does take time.

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Weekender

We are going out in a slightly larger group than the ones in which I typically go in tonight, and then tomorrow night I’m buying one of my fellow students and soon-to-be MH colleague a couple of drinks for her bday.  Later I’m supposed to meet a couple of friends at a different bar, but I have to run about half an hour after work at the Rec Center, so they will have to meet us where we are starting out.  Then we are going to go over to the other bar.  Before the economy was bad, there were 5 lesbian bars here.  Now there is one and the old owner who used to have two different bars apparently partially manages this one, but does not own it.  Bad economy indeed.

My friend is actually hosting a Happy Hour–I didn’t think that it would materialize.  She wrote the word “lez” in a reply to a post that I made on her Wall, and I was surprised, as I was about the assertion about my having a good networking (Lez) op at happy hour, and apparently she thought that it was a private message.  Hahahahaha!  Happy hour could be really interesting now.  Maybe it will be attended by all men.  I think that is interesting though, as my only complaint about her is that she keeps people around to feel better than them, and writing a post like this, kinda makes that fact public to your friends.

I have said it before and I will make my current intentions public and authentic.  I just want to meet a whole bunch of girls.  I got really burned with my last hook-up in the summer because the girl lacked integrity and was Peter Pan.  I would prefer to spend time with a whole bunch of girls at once over the next five-months or so and then just see which one is looking for an exclusive dating situation and is sexy, funny, smart and balanced.  I do think that connections grow from other people.

Unfortunately, about eighteen-months ago, I had gotten out of a very weird two-year, and met a unique woman who is now my ex.  See I had just been hooking up with the drunk, then this other girl told her that they had to go exclusive and she caved.  I never spoke to her again.  Sound familiar?  I have amazing boundaries with exes.  Then when she contacted me NYE and I read her text NYD, I thought it romantic.  I was in a low place at that point too.  That lasted a month and then ultimatum girl was back in the picture.  The latter started to hurt, but it distracted me from the fact that when she and I spent time together, she was often drunk.  When she moved, I wanted to be done.  She charmed me.  Again, another pattern that I have.  I flew around for a year!

So, now, I want to perhaps meet some girls through others, but don’t want to date for sometime.  I want to hang out and be outside, listen to tunes, communicate, and eat and play cards.  Seriously!  I like to sit and play board games when you have had a whole long time out in the snow or the like.  I need to be upfront and honest about my lack of trust given the Peter Pan.  She introduced herself to me as a teacher and let that lie ride for over two months.  I plan on also using my keen skills of observation while I’m meeting girls.  We shall see how the path to my next girlfriend unfolds.

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Control

I think that I get what I can and can’t control.  You can’t control the way that someone treats you, but you can control how you react to it, and sometimes your reaction is, “I can’t hang out with you,” and that is what I have chosen.  It may be that at the end of February, that my ex and I do go to that show together, but that works well for me and I can even get a cab there if I want because the venue is a very short distance from my house.  (I do really love where I live.)  However, I can say with complete confidence that I won’t be going up there for any reason other than a complete emergency.

It is really wonderful that since I told my ex that I couldn’t even approximate dating because of the way that I feel afterward, she has really not said boo.  She won’t this time, and I can tell, because I may not know her well, but I know exactly how she treats people.  She may not even e-mail at the end of next month, so in that case, I will need to think of someone who should come with me. It really should be my friend who now lives in CA, but she is in an aggressive school program.  I’ll think of someone.

Ultimately, she couldn’t control anything about me.  Certainly she did aggressive and passive aggressive things to me, but those won’t happen anymore either.  It was funny that she always told me that I wasn’t accountable, but I kept wanting to talk to her on the phone since the last time that I saw her and after my asking her three times when a good night was, but wouldn’t even say that she was too busy, but simply wouldn’t answer that question.  I used to think that this stuff was gamey, but it was really just another method of controlling the situation.

I have all the hindsight that I need.  Ever since she started her monthly break-ups, I have written.  Each month I would try to make changes, but mostly what she wanted to change was something that I couldn’t and it was one e-mail that I sent (out of over 40) that she didn’t like because she said it sounded casual.  That is so bizarre.  Then what she did even after she wouldn’t talk about the e-mail in particular is throw up roadblocks.  All of these left me feeling like I was being treated casually.

We never dealt with any issues or talked anything through.  I don’t think that she can either.  She can communicate anger really well, but can’t own when she is upset or work through anything which results in compromise.  I watched her do this dance all the time with work situations, and it’s interesting that there are also people with whom she was extremely close in a personal realm who no longer speak to her.  She can communicate clearly boundaries, and anger, but working through hard things with someone is NOT something that I ever witnessed her being able to do.  Again, it’s her way or there is a punishing that ensues and does not cease.  I would never want to be with her again even if she said that she would really go to counseling.  I’m done.

It is so good to have all of this silence.  And she doesn’t get into touch at all anymore, and somehow, I just know that she won’t.  I can’t control her reaction to me if she runs into me by chance, but I can control my pleasant smile that I will give.  I’m still so glad that I loved that deeply; although, there was nothing in that experience that I could control.  That is the thing that I have yielded from this part of my journey.  I can love fully without any guarantees.

 

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Wholehearted

There is a social work professor who gives some of those Ted talks in addition to seminars and the like, and although I do have her book, I have not begun reading it yet, but I plan to as she talks about living with true courage and the belief that we are truly worthy of love and belonging.  Being somewhat skeptical naturally, I tend toward thinking that just reading those words sounds much like Stuart Smalley, with the assertion that “I’m smart enough.  I’m good enough, and dammit people like me!”  However, she does not sound cheesy at all, and she boldly talks about her own journey to understand connection and vulnerability.  This seeking is exactly where I am on this leg of my journey.

I was utterly and nakedly vulnerable in my last relationship.  I exposed my whole heart and loved fully, which turned out to hurt a lot, but does not leave me feeling hollow now.  The reason being that I changed as a result of loving completely and fully and I worked harder for her than I ever have in any relationship and it was less than one year.  I’ve had much longer term relationships; although, admittedly I have not in the last five years.  But, I know that time doesn’t actually matter.  Even though it does take an entire year to get to know a woman, it is possible to have all of your passions completely ignited, which if you are connected to her can lead to significant intimacy.  That didn’t freak me out in the least, but it did her, so we really never had a commitment or did we courageously say that we are building a future.

I realized yesterday after our friends left, that control and also keeping me at arm’s length was a way of never being vulnerable and led to her feeling comfortable in our situation.  I’m still unsure if I completely understand the negative commenting and insensitivity, but I do know that because I am good to myself every single day that leads me to being a whole and kind person.

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Adjustments

I recall when my ex and I didn’t hook up for three-months that by the end of the second month, I really wanted some arms around me and some sex.  I told my psychologist (who I pay) that I won’t be getting into that pattern anymore because of the little liar.  It was unsettling that she kept truths from me craftily.  Although it would be nice to sleep with someone, I’d rather it be someone who I really know.

I get that takes time.  It takes a year.  But, conversations about what you want and value can organically develop especially when alcohol is not involved and the convo takes place in the daylight.  So, no more than 2 beers and alternating getting together for dinner and for hikes or bike rides, I think.  I’m not a skier or boarder, so that makes some girls not want to be with me.  However, I do love music.  In the middle of winter you don’t tend to think about outdoor concerts, but those are really fun too.

We hiked and sledded yesterday.  My friend who accompanied me so I had help with our dog and my son, played a bunch of songs in the car that her love interest had sent her electronically.  (She is 12-years younger than me, so I noted gone are the days of the mix tape.  And of course I used to synch my ex’s iPod monthly.)  My friend has started a distance “something” with a guy who lives on the east coast.  She was happy and a good pair of extra hands to have while my son sledded and we waited to hike.

Today friends are coming down for a couple of quiches, hashbrowns, and salad.  They have two kiddos.  I’ve known them 18-years.  I think that we will have fun.

I had this running argument with my ex that I ran by my psychologist, and that is that you can tell a lot about a girl by the way that she treats and responds to her friends.  She agreed with me and said that just knowing a woman’s friends is good information, but my ex always said that stakes are way too high in love relationships so it’s not comparable.  My ex thought that quality of friendships and feedback that you get from your friends has no relationship to your love relationship.  Even her best friend in the world was one who she would talk smack about, and I could never understand that because she would do anything for my ex.  You don’t have to agree with a person’s choice of partner, but it makes hanging out in pairs much easier.  So I thought about that this morning–meaning who your friends decide to marry or co-habitate with and it’s effect.

I think that I could ignore a partner who doesn’t treat my friend well.  In fact, I pretty much do.  My best friend who lives locally and is a woman, has a husband who is literally never home and doesn’t seem to make the kids clean up or do any chores. There is more to it too, but I just give him a hug and move on, because I’m not married to him.  My ex says underhanded things directly to the face of her best friend’s partner–one that I could quote was a crack about being overweight.  Another time, because she is incredibly quick, she said a disarmingly mean thing that let her best friend’s partner know that she was intelligent.  I think my ex lives to make others uncomfortable when her insecurities are taped.  There were also those miserable dog walks that we took wherein she’d scream at her dog because she was conducting smell fests more than walking.  She also used to throw the leash down.  I definitely get that type of response!

Like I did last summer, I’m adjusting to being single.  However, I’m different because when we tried late summer to see (just the months of our bdays), and she started her fickle dance of breaking plans when she wanted to and then unloading on me when it hurt my feelings, I just bailed.  Then when she said we weren’t priorities in each other’s lives and I lost it, she did a great job of not yelling back at me, but upon reflecting, she only was calm because she had never seen my lose my temper.  The latter is not pretty.  I’m done, done now.  I’m productive and using schedules and getting organized for the final legs of my doc too.  I think that when you tell a woman that you don’t want to approximate dating anymore, you have really ended it.  When I didn’t go to her party at the beginning of last month, I think that caused her to move even further from me.  So, then like she does with friends, she said things that sit oddly and then hurt later.

I definitely need to use my skills of observation when I start dating.  Having one girl who checked her watch and the another reflect on how feminine her ex was while I was next to them naked, has left me cautious to say the least.  I still want a girl who wants to be with me.

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Kindness

It’s not hard for me.  Naturally good to other people is something that I get a lot of joy from because I like to see people laughing and enjoying.  I think that I’ll have a dinner party and invite three couples.  I can’t think of any way to meet good girls except through people.  It’s kinda like a sprawling connection thing too, because when you have folks over at your house, you can create new energy, and when they are happy couples, it’s actually good energy.  That’s what I think has been eluding me tbh too.

Because I think that in my last two relationships, I was with girls who really aren’t in good moods most of the time.  One is just dark and has not dealt with her trauma, and the other one is so obsessed with appearance (being in sales) that she feigns happiness all the time and outside of her son, there is no one good enough for her to be happy around.  Sounds like the latter behavior is masking some stuff, but I don’t need to dwell there because we are not together, and will won’t be in the future.

I’m going to cultivate energy that is not only positive, but is full of love.  I’d rather be around happy people.  I’d rather find a happy girl or at least one who is willing to own emotion rather than run from it or allow it to seep out in a displaced fashion.  The same anthropologist’s talk who I referenced earlier in the week said that we are not designed to be happy.  I do think that we have ranges of emotions, but I’d rather be positive with things or at least moving forward.

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Yikes

My son got up at 4:50 today, and I can’t recall a single school day when this type of wake-up call has been met for him.  He brought home a small cold too so it’s going to be a lovely night for me to see clients.  I was furious.  If he’s going to get up that early, he needs to remember not to make it my problem.  It’s dark and cold and I had to unlock the deadbolt and tether the dog just before 5:30 in the morning so she could potty.  I think that he finally gets it.  He was crying when I was furious, but then he said that he wasn’t crying.  When I calm down and have some coffee, I will talk with him, because I’d like him to follow rules and also know that it is ok to cry.  We have to take things from his room to the basement today and then next Wednesday when I go to multiple locations, I can let the mother who I know look through his books and toys to see what she’d like and I’ll take the rest to the ARC on the weekend.  I’m already thinking about next weekend because today is going to be so hard with very little sleep, so I’m planning on things that will make me feel better.  I do love getting organized.

My ex sent one of those voice recording things via text two-days ago.  It was super nicey-nicey and made me want to vomit.  So, instead, I ignored it, because that is a derivative of her moods and I know about those way too well.  Not just because she and I spent 10-months together, but also because that is how my Dad was when I was growing up.  He would explode on us and act really scary and then feel some sort of guilt and present super pleasant.

Call me crazy, but I’d prefer some neutrality.  You don’t have to show up like a binary switch–meaning that you are either saying horrible shit to someone and or yelling, or be sweet as pie.  Balance is the only way to roll.

She baits; although, she says that she doesn’t.  The only reason that she had sent a voice recording was so that she could omit the fact that an empty shoebox was sent her way and had $5.30 worth of stamps inside of it.  I just want my best pair of Birkenstock loafers back.  No need for a note or anything.  She apparently must have bought my son a Christmas present because she said that she had a little package to send and Happy New Year.  Puke.

One of my friends chatted a bit with me last night.  She said that working and doing stuff for school all of the time sounds really lonely.  I explained to her that I’m hanging out with my lesbian friends and although they don’t have anyone that they can introduce me to, it’s good for me to be around happy couples and if they ever did meet someone who they could introduce me to, they would know that I’m there.  I also plan on going to Vegas with a buddy of mine (I used to be friends with his ex-wife.) in late March.  When summer comes around, I’m going to do an outdoor group for women and maybe a book club too.  I just want to meet a bunch of girls.  I wouldn’t mind dating a few concurrently too, but won’t do that open relationship thing because I don’t like the way those feel.  I’m basing it on direct experience that I had for nearly a whole school year.

I am a nice girl.  I want to meet one.  I would prefer to wake up daily with someone.  I’ll be going on six-years of living alone because we are now in 2013.  Not impulsive or a person who does not make observations, I do tend toward making sure.  When I remarry, it will be for life.

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The well-examined life

My friend just posted, “When our actions are based on good intentions, our soul has no regrets.”  I try to live my life that way.  I try to be mindful when I’m hanging out with people and connect to them as well as possible.  I looked at art with one of my best friends and her teaching partner yesterday.  We had fun, and I was shocked that she bought me lunch because it is her husband who is now in cancer treatment.  Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to her, right?

In addition to having good intentions and always doing the best that I can, I also work really hard at everything.  I give things my all and keep at it even when it seems hopeless.  I think this kind of focus will get me through my doctorate too.  However, because that is kinda me, I want to do it differently this time around when it comes to a girl.  I have been chatting with my friend who had to move to east coast because of her husband’s residency, and I told her that I need lots of dates before I sleep with a girl.  She told me forty and I said, “There is no way on this earth would I ever delay sex for 8-months!”  I don’t think that she “got it” that would mean two months longer than that because I don’t mix my son up ever, so it could be four nights a month, and that would be if she were available twice every other weekend.  Nope.

I had no intentions sleeping with the little liar.  I was not attracted to her, but she was very smart and seemed to have a fighting spirit, so I did wind up sleeping with her after a drunken karaoke night, and sex was that crazy one-night stand-style, but was not fulfilling.  I kept sleeping with her because she kept pursuing me.  But, the first words out of her mouth to me were lies when she extended her hand and told me that she was a teacher.  She had never finished college, she was definitely–less the sex–“in a relationship with her roommate,” and she had what Jack Nicholson’s character says in “Something’s Gotta Give,” which are versions of the truth.  She was what my friend who I hung out with all day yesterday calls “The Man Child.”  It’s not because she was more butch, it’s because she is super immature and would still probably live a college lifestyle.

I’m settled.  I have a child, house, and dog.  I don’t pick up and take off for four days unplanned because what is fun for me is planning the hows and packing well, and then letting adventures unfold after getting to where I want to be.  She would have shown up nearly any night of the week to do me, but I need a mix and a balance of plans and romance for something to work.  I also don’t fit in a fuck at the end of the night around 1 am on a work night after I’m done golfing and drinking with my buddies.  That is really hard to achieve when you have a real job and need to use your brain.  My pitying of her approach is not a judgment, but rather an explanation of a disconnect.  7-years was also too much of an age difference.  Leading with lies has made me gun shy about time too, because she and I didn’t have sex for 6-weeks, but she was good at remembering the falsehoods that she had lead with and did not trip up.

So, if there is a beautiful, light-eyed woman who I talk to tonight, I don’t mind ringing in the New Year with her, but it can’t be on a pillow.  Plus, that is hardly 20-dates.  (The drunk only had to wait four-hours.)  Mystery girl and I will have to spend more than a handful of hours to 6-weeks together before I sleep with her.  I just am looking forward to that connection again.  Tomorrow morning we head to the plains to spend a whole day on a farm, so I have to pick up my son super early from my parents.  Happy New Year.

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Not bad at all

I got up very early this Sunday morning, but it’s not a big deal, because I don’t have too much to take care of anyway.  I laughed really hard again last night and had such a splendid time.  When I’m with people like I was last night, they really meet my needs.  My good friend and I had about an hour to talk before one of the new couples who I’ve just started hanging out with got to my house.  I cleaned up quite a bit too.  Then we ate a salad, linguini and clam sauce, and I made veggie sausage and peppers with the best seitan product that I think is available.  I seem to make friends who are vegetarian all the time.  In fact, when I was at the Post Office yesterday I was in line between two of them who talked to me at length.

We ate the dinner and then we played this game wherein you pass four pieces of paper in a set continually to your neighbor.  The game works best played in even numbers because you alternate writing a statement or drawing a picture.  So, I would write something like, “A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush,” and pass it and the three blank papers clockwise, and you’d read that statement and then draw a visual representation of some birds probably, and a hand and bush.  After you were done with your art, you’d pass the pile again leaving only your drawing exposed so that the next person has to write a statement about the picture.  After four passes, you get your statement back and it’s funny to see the story evolution.  You eventually get back yours, and you have two pictures and one other statement if you play with four people like we did last night.  Then you can lay out sequentially the story.  We laughed really hard and the couple had brought their dog too, so mine was glad to have her girlfriend.  (They had hiked two weeks ago together.)

I’ll probably keep saying it…  I don’t desire a clone, but rather want a woman who is good to me.  Kindness is not that tough.  I don’t think that assuming the best really is either prior to living together for a longer period.  I do think that in time, little things start to bug someone.  I like the talk that I watched given by an anthropologist who said that you are able to get a significant dopamine hit many years into your relationship by varying your sexual routines or simply laughing a whole bunch.  I love the latter and definitely am looking for that in my next girlfriend too.  It is work to make me laugh, but it’s really easy for me because I can read people easily, so I can fairly quickly gauge what they will find funny.

I’m going out on NYE.  I want to find a good, smaller venue like I was in last year.  I can’t stomach the huge dance club and really don’t desire any Dickensian Lesbian Nightmares.  However, I can stomach meeting some nice girls to talk to and getting some numbers and the like.  I’m sure that there are funny nice ones all over the city.

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Want what you got

I know that it is not good to covet.  I get that.  But, my journey right now is spending time with one childless couple and one with a child who have that good thing.  You know what that is.  They get along, and obviously love each other and when you spend time with them you can either feel chemistry or good navigation of the tough stuff or even the little stuff.

My ex e-mailed at some point.  Likely she did so early in the morning.  I’m totally down for a friendship, but I don’t want a close one because I am pushing 40, and now realize that you best friend is your partner.  That is not fair to my next girlfriend to be close with my ex, and hell, it’s not fair to me either.  So, I will read the e-mail sometime after Christmas has passed.  When my son is gone and I’m cleaning and organizing.  I’m not doing it today, because I don’t have the bandwidth for it.

I’m looking for that thing.  The chemistry, the connection, and the endurance in tough times.  I know that there is a girl out there for me.  One who knows that the little silly things are not the deal breakers and that a girl like me doesn’t do any deal breakers anyway.  I don’t quit working or champion mediocrity in any fashion, I don’t cheat, have never been cheated on, or have I had those funky emotional affairs.

So wherever you are right now, I am here.  I have a house, a dog, a kid, a job and a lot of passion.  I have also learned a whole lot on my journey in the past 38-years, but being naturally adaptable and flexible, I always learn more, which makes my chosen occupation a good thing.  Meaning kids have taught me a lot, and I know that my partner can teach me even more.

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Journeys

She called last night while I was lifting weights with a colleague and started out the message by saying, “I know that you didn’t expect to hear anything from me until Sunday, and I hope that you’re doing something fun.”  She always tells me that I did a good job getting through the week–Thursday and Friday at work were truly fucking miserable–and I think that’s odd.  What’s my alternative?  I get through every week, and I have never had a lover who was much of a sympathetic ear given work stress, so I just keep on keeping on.  She also said that she was thinking of me.

So, tag you’re it, right?  My message was that it was great to hear your voice and thanks for the encouragement because Thursday and Friday were hideous.  I told her I was sorry that she had to work with many members of her family being in town, and that I had thought of her all day Friday especially, and that is nothing new because I always think of her.  That’s true too.  I also said that I wished her a wonderful weekend and hopefully we shall touch bases on Sunday and then I said, “I love you.”  I do.

I do not feel remotely safe with her though.  That is why I won’t date her.  There has not been anything that has occurred in these last two months that has made me feel more stable with respect to the way that she interacts with me either.  Her level of being private borders on remote, and I’m unwilling to be with anyone who is that scared of vulnerability.

The only thing that has happened, which occurred the night before I asked for $50 to come to her–which my Psychologist says is Socialism, but I think it’s Prostitution–was that I unloaded on her.  I have not unloaded completely on anyone in over five-years.  I am usually controlled with respect to anger.  I’m a processor.  I heard her say, “We are just not a priority in your life anymore,” and she said, “We are just not a priority in each other’s lives anymore.”  I really went a little nutty, and she just kept saying, “Baby, don’t say anything that you will regret later,” and “Hey, just breathe, calm down, honey.”  And then as I continued to just basically lose it and freak out she said, “Listen, I love you.  We can talk another time.  Let’s just hang up for tonight.”  She has never been like that with me, and honestly it gave me pause, so then since she wanted me that Friday night, I went Saturday for money.  It was nice, and was just two weeks ago.

That’s not vulnerable though.  That’s just doing well in conflict and saying even.  I’m not saying that it’s not fantastic, but I’m looking for so much more than treating me well and refraining from being mean.  I’m looking for true connection even when there are struggles and she and I frankly, are much more used to navigating stress on our own and also being the one who others lean on, but I, myself, have distanced from those roles significantly over the past five-years.  She is new at that, and I think that the rescuer role is comfortable for her so she doesn’t have to look too closely at herself and examine her patterns.

I have been thinking that with her elaborate basement remodel and deck extension for a hot tub that a younger girl who would have no trouble getting pregnant may come her way.  I know that she does find men very appealing, but she is far too intimidating for a man longterm.  I do hope that she can have another parent for that wonderful son, as she is pretty extreme and another ego in the house would be good for that little boy as well as her.

As for me, I don’t really have much of a real list.  I do want some reciprocity in good treatment and the ability to resolve conflict well.  But, I’m so unwilling to do a damn thing until my house is organized and I’m making progress at school.  I am staying focused on what I hope can be someday in my future.

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Feet on the ground

One foot forward and moving toward is what I want.  I will value having my doctorate done and my head clearer.  I will get my proposal defended this year before it ends.

I’m given quite a bit of pause how I don’t care to pursue any girls at all and how they tend to annoy me or not be quite what I’m looking for in terms of dating.  I am not chasing anyone or I am making things work that won’t work past some sex or tolerating what are simply some incompatibilities.  Pink says, “I don’t believe in soul mates, happy endings or the one,” and I would have always tended to agree with that.  However, there were some unique and earth moving things that happened for three straight months last fall that also give me a great deal of pause.  Maybe those soul-level connections are not meant to last.

That is why I have come to wanting stability in addition to sexy and smart.  That works for me, because except for getting irritated, I think that I have both feet on the ground.  I’m just looking for space from my ex right now, and I think that if it comes to it, she would stop contacting me if I asked her to.  Right now doesn’t feel like the right time because it was just her father’s bday, she is recovering from complex surgery, and it’s now the holiday season.  If it gets too emotional for me, I’ll tell her to cease.  However, my line is firm about not driving up there.  That I won’t do.

My psychologist says, “Chop wood.  Carry water.”  For me, it’s last night trying to complete three sets, and giving up, drinking a beer and eating cheese puffs.  I felt sad and laid in my bed and was mindful about crunching.  I miss our old times, and know that they don’t exist anymore.  I told myself it has passed.  That made sleeping easier.  It’s what I’ve got right now.

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And I want to see you

So, she wants me to meet her for a drink, and I can’t.  I have to meet with my supervisor for an hour and a half and then after that, I need to lift weights for my own mental health.  Plus, the woman who I supervise has had a pretty tough year so far, so her other supervisor who helps her work with young children and I are taking her out tonight.  I told my ex that I could meet her, but it would be really late and then she asked when my evening plans are done and I told her that I don’t really have an end time on dinner, but that we want to support our intern because it has been a tough, tough quarter for her.  And for me, as I don’t remember ever a year starting off like this for families who have kids in school.

I don’t understand why she has to contact me all of the time.  Can’t we lay low and then I’ll drop some food off for her before her surgery?  That seems most normal to me as we are not dating.  The only time that she didn’t contact me much at all was in between Memorial Day and the time that I saw her after the Fourth of July.  The reason that she didn’t stay in touch with me is because I had asked her if we could go to counseling and she didn’t have the guts to say, “No,” until she saw me and then she wanted to make me want her and presented like a corpse so I don’t want that.  She had followed up in an email saying that she had been looking at me the whole time–at that point, we hadn’t seen each other in six weeks–and that she was just scared.  However, our subsequent date she was edgy.  She doesn’t seem often to be in a very good mood when she sees me and that makes a friendship impossible.  She’s moody.  I’ve been with moody, and I don’t like it.

Because I don’t want to rush around or go somewhere late at night and then drive all the way home, I just think it best if she really does want to meet with me for a drink that we do that next Friday.  That’s fine.  I hope that she is acting nice.  I also hope that she gets that I don’t want her advice.  My friends don’t give me unsolicited advice.  I have certainly asked for advice about her when we were dating, but they don’t tell me all the time what I should do.  That’s a hot button for me, because I’m an adult and conduct my life well.  Things that I know that I should do differently, I am starting to do, and it’s because I want things to feel more streamlined and easy on the home front.  So, we shall see if she presents kind, if we can laugh, and if she does not give advice to me.  If not, we can try again later.  I do want us to be amiable.  That’s important to me.

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Never settling

I’m looking for something that will sustain, so probably by it’s very true that I need to just slow down and be.  Right now it’s just sitting in my grief and pain, because I didn’t do that this summer, so I can get the contrast.  What I did this summer is feel completely rejected, because she withdraws when she has a lot on her mind–probably because she has had to do it to survive–and then when I would not respect it and then engage her in conversation, I would get attacked, so I avoided her because I knew we’d just fight.  And God, does she fight mean.  It’s funny because she didn’t even get that this summer while we were separated.  She left me a HeyTell this week that said, “So, I did the breaking up January through April, and then you did from May on?”  Nope.

It is true that now I’m in this rejected space, but what is different now is that I’m going to sit here and feel bad because I don’t feel the need to numb this pain.  Staying in it will help me come through it when I have healed.  I’m not imbalanced like I was at the end of 2007, so I can just feel sad.  I can also address why I feel so rejected when she takes what she calls emotional distance.  I don’t like being shut out, and I know exactly where that comes from and it will take specific and hard work to get through it.  That is my stuff though.  I almost feel like I have to be even stronger and more solid to be her partner.  I’m a tough one too, but for her, you’d have to be even tougher and completely grounded.

In terms of this summer, when I kicked her out of her own bed because of how badly I had pissed her off, I just bailed.  I definitely regretted it, and did even more so when she sent me pictures of her and her son saying that I probably felt badly because I didn’t make the right decision.  The decision was not wrong, but I do regret that after our first time that we saw each other and our subsequent date not simply staying with being numb.  Instead I numbed my pain by hooking up with a semi-friend, which didn’t help and I couldn’t get anything out of it with exception of all those crazy things that you do when it’s like a one night stand from a Prince song.  I kept sleeping with her because I told myself, “The damage is done.  Might as well keep doing it.”  The thing is that although some reciprocity got better, I realized how fundamentally incompatible we were and that is because that true connection is rare or it simply takes time to build.  You can’t speed it up, it either is there, or you have to spend time together to watch it grow so it will sustain.  With my summer quick fling, there wasn’t much there and she wasn’t a person whom I can respect much.  It was like the Cameron Crowe line, “a warm body to cushion the fall.”

Now, I want to be alone.  I want to work so I can have my school stuff done by December with the exception of my hours of family work that I have to complete.  Of course I will also do some good parenting stuff, and he is such a challenge that I need to do some preventative stuff (AGAIN) at this juncture, but that is something that I have also been doing on my own for five years, so I get that. I also get how to be alone, but I’m unsure if I get what it’s like for me when I’m truly alone.  The first time was when I was 14.  The second time was when I was 23.  The next time was when I was 33.  Now at 38, I am not as solitary as I was previously because I’m an adult and raising a kid, but have no plans to chase any girls (Again, those damn introverts!) because I simply will not numb my pain.  There is a chance; although, it is very slim that I will meet someone who is interesting, but what I will do is say to her, “Listen, I am still very much in the throes of being in love with my ex, so we can hang out a little, but I am making a promise to myself to be conscious of not just falling into some arms because at present they don’t reject me.”

 

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Actually different

I get it now, but it took all this time away and my holding that her ability to withdraw emotionally from me would not work ever again.  I want to maintain a connection with her, and don’t want her to pull away when she is scared or when she feels like she has to control a situation.  The only thing that I think that wigs her out right now is that I slept with a girl when we were separated this summer.  I also had a couple of other dates too.  I don’t think that she understands that I just take what she says to me at face value, so if we are broken up, I’ll do whatever.  Ultimately, I’m looking for a partner and one to raise my son with in the end.

I knew that I was in trouble when she got out of her driveway and that was more than a month ago.  My attraction to her is intense and consuming, which is why I didn’t want to see her.  So, we talked and laughed and she said some funny stuff to me.  I kept turning red, which is actually completely ridiculous when you have been with a woman for eight months, but she still really does it for me.  At one point she said, “How many times are you going to get into your pantry when you blush?”  She also made some jokes about being dead inside and I told her that I was glad that there was no formaldehyde anywhere around because I just wanted us to be genuine with one another.  So, we were.  It was easy.

I do understand that this venture won’t be all easy, but I don’t want any of that back and forth bullshit that we had.  So, I just lay low and wait until she wants to connect.  With all the shit that goes on in her life, I’m glad that she does make as much time for me as she does, and it’s a lot.  We had a nice weekend together this weekend.  It was a date on Friday and a little connection plus time with her son on Saturday.  That is good enough for me.  I’m just going to see how things play out this year, and then go from there.

I still love our sex life.  I still think that she is funny and sexy.  I love her eyes.  Her body feels perfect in my hands.  I very much like that she thinks that I’m funny, a great lover, and that I’m smart and intellectually stimulate her.

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Semi-gf

Remember in “Singles,” when one of the main characters is sitting in a coffee shop and says, “Hand me that phone, I am going to call my new, semi-girlfriend?”  I don’t know if I even really want one right now, and I do know that my schedule is daunting for all who are around me.  I was with my best friend and her family yesterday and she said, “Isn’t there one night that we can have dinner together next week?”  Things are going to go from busy to insane within seconds here, so I don’t know what I am capable of in terms of relationship maintenance.

Also, I would NEVER live with girl until I have known her a year, so I am not sure when you switch your relationships when many falls come around, how you will have a partner to do the day-to-day with you.  I told her and it is unfortunately very true that I have been part of a catch and release program for sometime now.  However, what I imagine myself being in is a longterm partnership.  That is what I’m seeking though in all honesty.

She left yesterday morning before I left to take my dog on a walk.  She was in text contact most all afternoon and then came over to connect and have more sex in the late afternoon.  I didn’t ask her to come over, but she kept asking what I was doing and when I would have my son with me again.  Then she had a family situation to deal with, which stressed her out, and we wound up talking quite a bit on the telephone before bed.  Then she texted and said that she still wanted to be talking to me, so we did.

She is sweet.  She is romantic.  She is an earnest and aggressive lover.  She is young.  She is scared to be vulnerable and open with me, so I will do what I do with anyone in that boat and that is give space to her while being consistent and solid.  In conclusion, I really do like her, enjoy time with her, and am grateful to have a girl to sleep with and connect to while I am working on my wounds.

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Naked

There is this song by the BoDeans that talks about being completely vulnerable, and the song title is the namesake of this post.  I figured that I would get some readership given the obsession with sex that American society has, but really to have excellent sex with someone you are also expressing some sort of vulnerability or connection with the other person.  A friend of mine sent me a Ted link today, which a presentation by a Social Work Professor in TX, and she said that in order to actually connect to another person, you must embrace completely that you are worthwhile.

I am worthwhile, and I don’t feel ashamed that I gave my whole soul and told many personal things that I had not expressed previously during my most recent relationship.  I took risks.  I have grown.  I have refined what I want and my psychologist (Who I pay) told me that I’m getting closer.  I think that I’m there and when I meet her, I will just know, and we will connect and build what we want and can attain.

Possibility

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Shared Meaning

I can tell you what I’m looking for…  Not a woman who is exactly like me, but one who is open to discovering with me and has that sense of adventure.

I’m not sure that I have been approximating what a well-lived life is, because sometimes I am not balanced, so I’d rather reflect on I what everyone seems to say these days, “Put it out into the universe,” which I think comes from that somewhat Eastern movement on the law of attraction and what one is interested in for focus.  So, at least for today, I will write about what I value.

I love being outside and feeling the sun on my skin.  I love the way that water sounds when it is unsettled either from the tide or when it is disturbed by a motor and laps against an embankment.  The sound of water creates pause in my whole being.  I also like the noise that water makes when it is rushing when the table in a river is up.  When you begin a summit there is water around typically and I love knowing that growth is implicit in my surroundings.

Being on top of a mountain and feeling the wind cover your body while you look literally at the world makes you feel small and like you don’t really have a single problem.  When you come down and laugh full of natural endocannabinoids from your summit and have a burger and a beer, you have never felt so happy.  Snowshoeing up to a glacier lake and working your legs give me a whole feeling too, and again, I love afterward to share a meal with someone who I love and can laugh with about anything.

I love to cook when I come home, and if my day has been awful, I also open a beer and drink while I prepare a meal.  I love to throw dinner parties and hear my friends laughing in my kitchen and enjoy pieces of their conversations.  Music is my soundtrack and I break out into song with good friends or make references to song lyrics all the time.  I want to get back into practicing guitar and can’t wait until my son picks up an instrument!  He is dancing now, and although I can’t, I love to watch him dance because his energy takes on a life of its own and he is expressing himself.  In a woman, I find dancing sensual and appealing because you can see things in her that you didn’t see before, and I love novelty.

Adventure is critical for me, and it can be simple adventures like the good memory that I have holding hands crunching through the snow and then naked hot tubing under the stars–it’s like a pleasant surprise to have romantic things like that just unfold naturally, and is the ultimate expression of one’s chemistry with another person.  Organic flow is what I really mean when I think of adventure.   I love to travel and see new places.  I love meals that are well prepared and looking at art.  It would be really cool to see a new city and rent a bike and race around on it to discover tons of it quickly and then be able go back on foot holding a woman’s hand and feel the air on our faces while we look over the scenery that we took in quickly and now want to take in more fully, and at a slower rate.  It could be a preview from the bike with a return on foot because walking and hiking are somethings that I also value.

I taught myself how to ride a bike when I was eight, and I still feel youthful when I ride my pos Mt Bike down the street, around trails or on a singletrack.  I can race it as hard as I want or just glide down hills.  I love the wind rushing on my face and going for hours.  I feel strong and alive when I watch the clouds and the afternoon wane on while I’m on my bike.  I am sooooo looking forward to my new road bike.  I can’t wait to take her on her virgin ride and see a sunrise on her.

Quality of light is important for me too.  The moon casts a beautiful sheen across lakes, and the angle of the sun on a woman’s face at different times of day shows her beauty outdoors.  Seems that I value being outside, using my body, cooking and eating, and connecting and laughing–all of these things are made better if you share them with a beautiful woman.  I think that I do attract these things, so I must be lucky.

When I think of my son, I value that he is thriving, feeling well, and learning a lot.  Love of nature, being well and whole, and learning as much as he can from mentors should be his focus until he is ready to leave our house.  When one is balanced, he can give unto others, which is probably the only “Christian” value that makes sense to me.  In addition to being glad that he is enjoying sports, getting excellent grades in music, I am most grateful that he is regarded as the most kind and appreciative of diversity by his current teacher.  I hope that if I am lucky enough to add children to our family with a partner, and that this virtual child is able to feel well, be outside, learn and truly share.

I’m thinking that these desires and wants are what I value most, and my partner could make it more powerful and teach me things that I don’t know yet.  I’m prone to fantasy, but it is not just an escape for me, but rather I tend to think of it as what I see in my mind’s eye as a possible future.  When I imagine this partner, in one fantasy, I am outside with her and we are having one night away.  It wouldn’t have to occur much, but I would value it when it did.  She and I could maybe have a meal on a deck near loud rushing water when the table is up and have to sit very close together so that we would be able to hear each other and then we could hold hands while the sun sets.  She’d make me laugh a lot and I would be taken in completely by her eyes.  We could leave the doors to the deck open so when we made love you could hear that deafening roar of the water in the bg.
That kind of connection while in nature is important to me and my sense of meaning, as is going back to our kids and enjoying them after we had a night away like this one, because I think that meaning too, comes from raising a family together and meeting the challenges of parenting together as a concerted team (as co-parent that is my more pragmatic side, but is equally important for my shared meaning that I hope to have).  Life is like rushing water, but your partner can hold your hand, be by your side, or simply look into your eyes and you know you are together.  My sense of meaning comes from the knowledge that although independent, I am not alone.